biggish data

Actually, in some ways it is.

If a person decides to pull back so the argument ceases, that can be healthy.

If a person continues to punish the person they are angry with after they have apologized, that is not healthy.

Some people have said the actions described by the OP are tampo. That does not appear healthy at all.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-17 12:32:00

Tampo is not childish and it's not throwing things out of anger (which seems a little too common). Tampo really is a cultural trait.

Tampo

Well, is it a good one?

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-17 11:52:00

Let me be real here on some things.
We need more information from the OP. If you do not understand the Filipino culture, do not judge the culture or how the culture is run. We have some edumacated I-D-10-t-s on this thread. The big thing here is the culture. their culture is influenced by the tribal customs and the catholic church. And where the two overlap and are the same, the tribal customs have been continued.

By some surveys, only about 20% of Fil/Am marriage fail, compared to 50%-75% divorce rate for the common US/US marriage.-- http://www.jaderune.... Filipinas.html

I still stand by my original post. Get the book the 5 love languages and learn the languages and each other. then listen to her, and work with her. If you put a stone in middle of a circle. Then ask each person to describe the same exact stone from where they are sitting. You will get a different description from each person. If you learn to appreciate the differences form the other person, you learn more about the stone and their thought processes. If you choose to argue and maintain your point of view, you lose out on the vastness of God's creation. this is the same in marriage. It is a marriage, but because of cultural influences, you will get a different description.

Darren, have you been involved with a Filipino woman before?

Because unless you have, I'm unsure how you got to be such an expert in their culture in - 8 months?

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-16 19:36:00

She is showing him, she is no longer "his property"

Darren, it's when you say stuff like this that I get all kind of.........I don't know. I feel like I should go run buy a veil and learn to milk cows and shred my voter registration card and stuff like that.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-15 17:33:00

.........

I do not buy into destructive behavior - either psychological or physical warfare. Marriage is about cooperation. Clear communication. So let's be clear: She's my property. She has to cooperate with whatever I want. My name is Mr. Big Boss.

Ha ha! I don't see how we can argue about who wears the pants. In the end you have to cooperate to make nookie.

I'm assuming there's a whole bunch of facetiousness in here, so I'm going to run with that and say I like the post. :yes:

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-15 17:19:00

So let's put the shoe on the other foot... if your husband told you he didn't love you, and was destroying your stuff, would you just keep on loving him, and hope he changed?

I've got a really poor track record on this type of thing. I was actually in a relationship kind of like that for 26 years.

That being said - Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So no, if the pattern had been going on for a while (more than two years and less than 26

), I wouldn't be able to keep on loving him. And I wouldn't expect him to change.

I also wouldn't assume that I could send him home just because I was hurt. I would not assume that I could "send him back to the village" for the relatives to straighten out. And I wouldn't expect the US Government to play along with any games of vengeance I had in mind. It ain't their problem I made a mistake.

See, I don't see this kind of thing as just a problem of guys thinking they can import a spouse and ditch her when she doesn't work out. So that's not what sends my blood pressure up when I read this type of post.

I see lots of claims of culturism as excuses for behaviors of the foreign spouse. What about the US culture of divorce? What about the US microwave mentality where every thing has gotta be now and it's gotta be great and I'm p*ssed and want a refund if I don't get my fries super sized right now?

I think that's the problem with a lot of the "ship her home" talk. A whole bunch of us (including myself) have been married before. We've probably got a lot less tolerance for marital BS than we did the first time around. And there's boatloads of stats out there that prove second marriages have a lower success rate than first marriages.

So, I kind of think men (or women for that matter) who talk trash about shipping their foreign spouse home, is the same kind of person who wold throw their US spouses clothes out on the front lawn and light a match to them. It just sounds more shocking to hear someone talking about sending someone back to their home country. Like - that they believe this kind of power imbalance is OK.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-15 17:16:00

Oh come on. That's not even close to the most misogynistic rants that have been on VJ.

Sad but true.

Then what would you call a post where a guy talks about dumping his wife back where she came from and personally returning her green card to the Embassy?

Charity?

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-14 20:48:00

Ditto, see my post, but you may be trolling, or you may not be trolling, I am just saying...

I'm bored. I'm reading. I read VJ when I'm bored. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-14 18:31:00

Rebecca Jo just STOP TROLLING AND GROW UP!!!!!!

Actually I am not joking about that part. It may seem overly dramatic. But if she changes after getting her 10 year green card, then she was just after getting to the states and not in love with me. I do not want to be guilty of visa fraud. And her divorcing me 30 days right after her 10 year green card would send up MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR flags with USCIS. From now on, when a girl tells me, she does not love me, she is gone. No questions asked. I ain't going to play those games any more. And if she is from another country, guess what, she is going right back to the country she came from. I ain't gonna do some other schmuck a favor by leaving her here. When I love, I love copmletely. I expect no less from my spouse. You may feel like it, but never never ever say you want to leave. Because I ain't gonna fight anymore. I will take you back leave you, divorce you, and find some other girl. If you don't believe Love Is ForEver, then don't bother with me. This poor OP is trying, I wish him the best. He is going through cultural issues. the worst part is the way she is abusing him right after getting her 10 year green card. He must really really love her. If I was him, she would already be packing to go back to Philippines. I would be deporting her myself, save the taxpayer the money.

I went through a really really really bad first marriage to an american woman. the marriage was verbally abusive, and horrible. If I was the OP, I would be taking her back to the village already. I spent 8 years sleeping alone in a 10 year marriage. There is no way I WILL spend just ONE day in another marriage going what the OP is going through. Taking her back to her village, and leaving her there is supreme ostracize for her. She will be disowned by the family for treating her husband the way she has. Filipino culture does not tolerate her behavior in any shape or form whatsoever. trust me, just going to the village, and going back to the hotel without her, will MAJORLY affect her. Sleeping one night in her parents house will do more to change her then anything he could do. If she is from a village like my fiancee is from, she would not EVEN be doing what she is doing.

First of all Darren, this is a public forum. I can read anywhere I like. And post there too as long as do not violate the TOS.

Secondly, these women aren't cars you take to the junk yard when the ashtray fills up. Take a woman back to her village and drop her off? And take her green card to the US Embassy? Besides the fact that this is one of the most misogynistic rants I've had the pleasure of reading on VJ, it's also a foolish idea. I would like to be little mouse at the door of the Embassy when you try to get in to "give them back" a greencard. They'll be laughing at you while they show you the way off the property!

I'd suggest you go back and re-read the OP's posts. He indicates this behavior has been going on for some time. If so, it doesn't appear to be motivated by the recent issuance of a USCIS document.

I'm sorry you had a sh*tty first marriage. A lot of here have. And we marry our spouses for better for worse, just like you carry on about. Except your version of it has a caveat. Buyer beware to your fiance. Her ticket to the US comes with conditions.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-14 18:24:00

b)take her home to her village, and talk with her parents and family. Explain to her parents and extended family, YOU have had enough of HER tantrums. So them a list of EVERYTHING she has broken. if she wants to leave you, you will leave HER there in the village taking HER green card and other items with you to turn in at the US Embassy. the last thing she wants is HER family to know how badly SHE is treating YOU or how much she has broken.

Ok, I want to know. Are you serious about the part I enboldened?

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-14 17:03:00

Having my fiancee's dad blessing on our marriage is huge.

Correct me if I am wrong here, but didn't your fiancee's dad give you his blessing after just a few internet chats? Before you even had met her or them? Before they knew anything much about you at all?

Don't get me wrong. I met my husband over the internet also, so I know that very real feelings are involved here. But my family wasn't all over it at first and blessing it. My family is conservative also, and they were insistent that he come to the US for a first meeting, rather than me flying to Europe. And while they all stood together at our wedding, they were still skeptical. I wanted to use my sister's property for our wedding, but she declined.

I know you want to believe that this paternal blessing is some sort of stamp on your upcoming marriage. I suppose it's better to believe that there is something spiritual or "ordained" about it, rather than the ancient concept of a Father trying to find the highest bidder for his daughter.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-08-06 08:27:00

Stereotypes and generalizations are what you get form putting many of the same culture, the same country, the same area together. It DOES NOT mean all people in Women's lieration has given her a choice and a chance to make sure I do not abuse my rights as a male to take care of her properly. However, as long as I love her with all of my heart, love her as she is my soul she will love me and support me in the old fashioned traditional marriage. When I abuse her, when I hurt her, when I take advantage of HER rights, then she needs to have rights to leave. But also, when she decides to take her love from me, to judge me as unworthy, I also need to be able to ask her to leave. the key is, I need to be a husband as Christ is the church.

I know I'm a little late to the party here, but that might be a good thing in this instance.

Darren, re-read that. Really. Now that it's been a couple of weeks since you wrote it, I wonder if it will look as strange to you as it does to me.

IMO, your ideas of marriage are very odd, especially when you try and paint them in a Biblical context. It's as if you think there is some sort of "out" clause in the Bible. Truth is, it is modern day society and the women's movement that gives your bride the right to leave if you abuse her.

As for you as a Christ-like figure being able to ask your wife to leave if she judges you as unworthy - well I don't know how in the world you draw a Christ-like correlation to that.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-08-06 08:13:00

Yay - whatever floats yer boat ! Whew! Finally, an ending statement. I've been looking forward to it, for a bit now.

Thanks so much, Rebecca Jo !

Thanks so much Darnell! :thumbs:

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-16 19:34:00

rlogan -

These were serious questions and not attacks.

From what you write, it seems your lifestyle has been different than many of us in these forums. How much of your life have you spent traveling about? If the answer is "quite a bit", then your "attraction" to foreign females is probably based upon the attraction to other cultures.

I may have misread some of your writings in the past as it appears a lot of things are said with tongue in cheek.

*shrugs*

There's a big difference in cultural perceptions of a person who has actually lived in another culture, versus the perceptions of people who haven't but are only married to a foreigner. I'm one of the ones who is "just married" to one. I can wax elegantly about the virtues of Great Britain and their men, but I really don't know sh*t from sh*nola about that because I never lived there.

So, I'm pretty sure a lot of the men talking about their foreign wives are in the same boat as me. I think it's more than a little weird for them to form opinions about the entire female Filipina (or Ukrainian or Belarusian or Thai or whatever) culture based on their relationship with THEIR wife. And based upon limited experience in their wife's country. And based upon their personal negative experiences with US women. IMO, when a guy rags on about US women and how he's been done wrong by them, it makes him look - well, pretty sad. Like, come on, you mean to tell me you cannot get a decent date in the US? One only has to have Human Psychology 101 to learn that when a person blames their troubles squarely on some ambiguous cluster of society, then they are in denial about their own shortcomings.

As I said somewhere else, it would be like me assuming all men from Great Britain are fabulous and all men from the US are jerks. So, maybe I was wrong in addressing my questions to you. They are questions though, I have of many people on VJ with spouses from many countries.

Finally, in reference to your revelations about what is attractive to you, I will confess to more than a slight attraction to the lilting accent of the Irish. Or the voice of an Englishman. So - whatever floats your boat. :lol:

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-16 03:50:00

Quite to the contrary, I'm not trying to "start" anything, I'm trying to increase your and my knowledge of others without being confrontational. I'm not sure if the surprising people that you speak of are USC or Philippine Citizens. That would make a difference to in this conversation since I think it would validate my point further. Just trying to enjoy my Sunday morning as I hope that you are too. Best intentions and wishes to you and yours,

Bob

Hmmmm. Probably USC's.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-03 10:00:00

I really don't see this as "cheerleading". Just mutual interests and likes for a particular country and culture. It's about appreciation not cheerleading. That implies that there is an opponent and I seriously doubt anyone has anything bad to say about others and their backgrounds/journeys vs. another. DavenRoxy, my turn for the flame suit when I say that seniority doesn't automatically convey wisdom or knowledge. Nor does education make one intelligent or a licensed person a driver.

I don't know if you venture outside this forum much or not. If you don't, you might be surprised.

And I'm trying to be nice here. Are you trying to start something?

Edited by Rebecca Jo, 03 July 2011 - 08:47 AM.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-03 08:46:00

I think our parents will be offended if our husbands will thank their lucky stars, rather than the way we were raised.
Just saying..

*shrugs*

It is not meant to be an offense to your families. Children are not pressed out with cookie-cutters by the family unit, you know. Stuff happens that forms a persons character outside the parents control.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-03 08:14:00

I don't know if you realize it, but we had a topic in this forum recently about stereotyping. The VAST majority of the people in the Philippines forum seemed to feel it is better to just view people as individuals. I don't know if I've seen any person (well, maybe one) who says that Filipinas are superior to American women. Most of us just seem to be happy with the person we've found and we leave it at that.

No offense, but it just seems to me that you're fighting a battle here without an opponent.

I'm glad there was such a thread. I really don't get much time on VisaJourney anymore. My apologies if I seem to be butting in.

I've been a member of this community since late 2004. There weren't Regional Forums then, and consequently we all found out a lot about other cultures by mere virtue of the site structure. Now, this does not mean everybody was always sitting around the virtual campfire singing kum-bi-ya. But, there was less "cheerleading" for one country over another. And I do believe there was more diversity - a general air of understanding about what makes us all different that brings us all together.

Meh - I don't know if that explains things to you or not.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-03 08:10:00

For me Rebbeca Jo, I find the majority God loving, conservative Catholics.... I find my wife superior to the rest for her upbringing/morals/values and this has to do with the "culture" that is the Philippines. So sorry if you don't get it, but I see nothing wrong with an educated, beautiful woman. She is my ideal woman, that's why I married her. My famous bolero saying," Her looks caught my attention, but her brains and personality made me fall in love"

Bob

Bob, I don't think there's anything for me to "not get". I certainly don't have a problem with a beautiful, educated woman. It's just my contention that the world is full of 'em. They don't come exclusively from the Philippines.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-03 08:01:00

RJ, I don't disagree with you on most of it, but... if I generalize and say "most" or "many" Filipinas are beautiful, or faithful, or some other desirable trait... and I mostly see these traits in my lady... how is it belittling her to say good things about the rest of her fellow country women? And FWIW, when I say those things, while they ARE true of my fiancee, I knew a lot of Filipinas before I met her, and I saw the same traits in them, so seeing them in my lady is kinda the other way around... confirming what I already belieevd to be true of the women in their culture, cuz she shares some of the same traits.

Oh, and why not add one more that I really like? She's TIGHT with money! She can squeeze three dimes out of a nickel! But I am not generalizing here, just saying it about my fiancee... (flame suit on)

Hahaha - there's nothing "flame-suit-y" about your admiration for her fiscal frugality!

I guess it's not belittling to say good things about your wife's fellow country women. It's just not "good" to assume those qualities don't apply to other women. And that's how some of these writings come across.

Let me give you an example, if I can. I am married to a man from Northern Ireland, a country that is part of the United Kingdom. My husband had a very British upbringing. If you want to get "cultural", we will stereotype here and go with the notion that Britain is a more "polite" society than the US. Therefore, the children are brought up to have more respect for other people than children in the US. Cultural indoctrination for the male children includes a deep respect for their mothers, which translates to respect for their wives. If we go with the stereotype here, we can conclude that British men make better husbands than American men because of their cultural upbringing.

Not. Always. True.

Moral of the story - if you have a spouse from any country who is a good person, then you should thank your lucky stars, rather than the way he/she was raised. There is good and bad in any culture. And culture does not make character. That comes from the person within, no matter where they were born.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-03 07:52:00

Okay, I have to ask: With all due respect, what are you hoping to accomplish?

Darren didn't say "all Filipinas" or "most Filipinas", he simply said "many Filipinas". He also was speaking about them remaining faithful after the spouse dies. He didn't necessarily say they were more faithful in the marriage than other women; he was pointing out something different - after the spouse dies. If this is something he has witnessed, it is an interesting topic and I'd be curious to know more. So, what issue do you have with what he said?

So, again, what are you hoping to accomplish?

I'm asking those men (who seem to think their lovely Filipina wives are superior to women from other cultures) why they find it necessary to "culturalize" the traits they find special in their wife. If someone is looking for certain traits in a spouse, then that is certainly their prerogative. Some of us may find those qualifications odd or unnecessary, but that's really not our business. My point is that (in my opinion) it belittles the woman if those traits are attributed to her culture rather than to her person.

It is the same as saying all (or most) American men are rich. Or fat. Or loyal. Or selfish. We all know that to be untrue by virtue of having lived the culture. To broadly brush cultures, races or sexes is narrow minded at best. It's foolish (and possibly racist) at its worst.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-02 18:06:00

It's a fact and also Common Knowledge...........................

It's a also a fact that most are petite and most are 5 foot to 5'4" and most weigh around 100 lbs

It's a also a fact that chicks from Philippines are known around the World for their beauty...............

If it is a fact, then you can show me the data. Otherwise, it is just a perception. I do not believe you can show me any data from any source which would categorically prove the women from one nation are "more faithful" than another nation.

I don't know if it is fair to say that most Filipina's are "petite" and weight around 100 pounds. There's a Filipina woman across the street from me who is probably around 5" 4", but she's not close to 100 pounds. More like 150 or 160. Her husband is older than her by what appears to be around 20 years. She goes out to work each morning about 6 am as a CNA in a nursing home.

There's also a Filipina woman at our facility who is an MD. She's probably 5'4" or so but pushing 150 pounds. She's always well dressed and is quite smart. Her husband is from the Philippines and he is also an MD.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-02 16:38:00

know what the major difference about filipinas is?????

Many Filipinas are faithful LONG LONG LONG after the spouse dies.

The question is why???? What makes her that way??? What is the difference???

Can you substantiate the fact that Filipina women are more faithful than women from other countries? With a reliable source? Or is this just your opinion?

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-02 16:10:00

I don't agree at all with this illogical tale. First, we propose a young Filipina married to a "vastly older" Americano, who she has married because of the financial security he represents. She's set for life. But then we magically transform this set-for-life filipina into a pauper when he dies "unexpectedly". There! We have our dependent, vulnerable, child filipina. We need to throw in stupid too. Both her and her Americano are too stupid to have thought about him dying, despite how old he is.

This shows more about the people telling the half-baked tale or swallowing it than it does about Filipinas. It shows the person has a predisposition to view Filipinas as dependent, at-risk, inferior beings. Vague insinuations will do, not even weaving a complete story, because the dependent, vulnerable child image doesn't need logic and facts. It's best not to have them in fact. When you try to put the details on this imaginary Filipina, you see how silly it is.

It is only patronizing people from the first world that have this default view of filipinas - seeing them as dependent, helpless, non-productive, non-educable beings that cannot plan ahead. The people around her in her home country are going to view her just the opposite - as a superstar.

A man who travels internationally is viewed as a swashbuckling, adventurous person. Someone with confidence and poise. Intelligence and experience. Two languages? Oh my. But a Filipina who does so for marriage is not viewed that way by many people in the first world country. No, she is dependent, at-risk, vulnerable, etc. or a scammer or a prostitute for security and a green card. Her family in the home country on the other hand is going to view her as the adventurous, confident, intelligent and experienced one. They will think her wise beyond her years and ask her counsel on important decisions.

I am not proposing these prejudicial observations on my own. There's a good book on the "Rescue Industry" by a woman I largely agree with, and she talks about immigrant women exactly this way - exposes the racism, bigotry and hypocrisy involved in how we view them. People do not realize they are tipping their hand on their innate bigotry or racism when without thought they propose or buy into a pejorative stereotype like this.

Cheers.

The "negative judgments" you are fretting about don't have anything to do with your woman being a Filipina. Older US men married to younger US women get the same things said about them, you know. You are the one putting the racist spin on it.

There are plenty of young, beautiful women in the US who are lower on the educational ladder than the male participants of this thread. They would be happy to be "kept" by an older man with loads of life insurance. I don't know if you all went looking for them or not. If so, why were they judged "unworthy".

Come on, give it to me straight. Without any cultural or racist spin.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-02 07:11:00

Trolling much these days?

My internet still works and I read lots of places. I could have been a bit more tactful though, I'll give you that.

RJ is looking for a fight.

No. I am dumbfounded.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-02 07:04:00

the problem is we all have differing views. No one person is going to win against another person. What matters is the ROLES in the relationship. HOW the husband treats his bride, and how the bride treats her husband. They have to join as one, and be as one. If they agree to her working outside the home who am I to say otherwise? My concern is for bride to be taken care of, she is my treasure.

Instead of making the marriage and joining as one, the women are determining in themselves to NOT be in the problem of money. It is not the choice of being in a marriage, but the inability to choose what is most important. then "asking" the husband if that is "ok". However, the money is put to use as second income, buying things they might not otherwise afford instead of saving for the "rainy day" as was agreed to have done.

Not to be demeaning, the woman working outside the home when having kids DOES cost more then when the bride is at home. Factor in these costs: 1) meals (lunches for kids, dinners, how many times more is eating out done or frozen meals?), 2)cost of daycare, 3) teaching/ tutoring, who does this when both parents do not help with homework 4) income bracket changes, if money not saved your income bracket for taxes usually changes, 5) clothing, now the bride also needs work clothes as well as the man, "dress for success". 6) car/house/yard maintenance, who is taking care of things 7) savings, is savings going up or going down

this attitude in women can be found anywhere in the world. To many people think that being "submissive" equals being a "slave" or "weak" or "inferior". this is wrong thinking. true leadership is the ability to be a true servant. True submission is the ability to acknowledge the leadership of the other in the household. submission is the recognizing of the servant leader. Not all men are good servant leaders. But does this not also come form the fact of children not being taught inside the home? what would happen in the brides started teaching their children how t be respectful of a woman, while at hte same time the husband taught how to be a servant leader? Marriage is the art of sacrifice un which the other knows the sacrifice is for the greater good of the marriage. To many times the focus is one what is given up versus what was done.

Men want to love their wives with all of their heart. Treasure their bride. the problem is the bride not wanting to accept being loved. Instead of completely joining together. the husband and bride are still separate. too much is focused on selfishness versus selflessness. If you say the husband cannot provide for me, and I must protect my own future when he is gone. Is this truly committing to the marriage, or asking the husband to submit to something. Who is being asked to submit to who?

Are you for real?

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-01 17:33:00

I often see this logical fallacy you employed here: I have a PhD whereas my wife has only a couple years of college. Therefore I have more power in the relationship. This is always presented in an abusive light of course. She is the victim of this power. So strong education in the husband is a negative. Maturity in the husband is a negative. She is not a beneficiary of my education and my maturity. The poor girl is victimized by it! I should be stupider and more immature! I should be a pauper and have her living on the edge of starvation. Then I would not be abusing her with the power of my greater income.

Another fine example of how an education does not a smart person make.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-07-01 17:28:00

I sure hope th moderators will find a way to elimnate this bashing... For now, this is wearing me out.. I used to really value VJ and the nature in which people were willing toi be helpful.. I still beleive that exists.. but man, a few weeks ago, someone created a thread about how VJ has turned into an abusive place.. (Paraphrasing).. I ademently defended VJ, but now not so sure..

It's been taken over by bore housewives with no life except VJ..

For the rest of VJ, The OP's of past present and future, the good guys, and the future VJ'rs, man, I am soo sorry that Moderators don't have the tools to minimize the bullies...

Also, Crashed~N2~Me, I did see some helpful stuff in your posts, so that seems positive.. I urge you not to get drug into the bashing campaign here or any other Thread..

I am going to mow the lawn.. I have to finish some work on my step daughters room, so, You guys have a wonderful time beating up on people.. For Rebecca, I will be on here to discredit your attacks when I see them.. I jsut hate bullies and you are a big one from the peace of your computor, you seem extremely entertained by abusing people.. Have fun, but I will be ther at times to let people know how you are..

Yep that's you admitting to stalking me now.

This post reported also.

By the way, rebecca, you still havent answered my question...

You are making me think you really lied about your concern over the 19 year old wife..

I answered your question.

Just not to your satisfaction.

Edited by Rebecca Jo, 08 October 2011 - 12:24 PM.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-10-08 12:20:00

The only thing being exposed is how you guys have no agenda but to make acusations and cynical comments to people who you claim to want to help.. your post 177 is full of those cynical comments...

Not a single constructive comment given in that post..

I don't need to know a thing about PI to realize when people are being bullies..

OMG....really who appointed you the Forum God?

I told you in PM that people who have read these boards for years know a bad situation when they see one. Why do you consider that bullying?

The comment was a general one.. about experiences I have had about living in diferent places.. we all have a right to make comments.. Grow up Rebecca.. Seriously,

And the comments I made in that thread were specific to the OP's questions.

I have a right to make comments about something I know about also.

You grow up also.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-10-08 12:06:00

Stalking on forums, that is funny,, you just seem to be the main offender and your upset because someone is exposing you..

How hilarious...

When you follow me up to the K1 forums and get into a thread about moving from the UK to the US, then yes I consider that stalking.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-10-08 12:03:00

Now I have just reported you for stalking me in the upper forums, where I make every attempt to play as nice as possible.

http://www.visajourn...ost__p__4941986

Take it elsewhere Kenny. You have issues.

Rebecca, another Non Answer..

Are you saying you dont really intend to provide any guidance for the 19yo you calaim to care soo deeply about?

Or Is that because you dont have an answer..

I gave you an answer.

Cue up your reading comprehension skills.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-10-08 11:57:00

Waiting for an answer..

You don't want an answer.

Every time someone tries to explain to you why they say what they say, you have a reason why that's not good enough.

Truth is it's not good enough for you.

And that makes you no different than everyone else you are labeling.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-10-08 11:53:00

Because Darren says Gretchen is reading the thread, it might give her some food for thought if she reads what other people think.

There you go again... Inventing something you know nothing about and trying to make it about something rightous.. It's very possible Darren has issues, but again your assumptions, because you love the drama, is that his comments are literal and you wanna make yourself look like the VJ Saviour... Because if he has communcations issues, and all his statements can be atributed to his inabilty to express himself properly, then all the drama dispappears.. and that would be no fun you.. huh.. you'd have to go back to your boring life today and wait for the next opporitunity to creat drama,,,

And god knows you're good and creating reasons to have drama..

God knows I am not the VJ savior.

But then neither are you, Kenny.

Knock off stalking me around the forums and via PM or I will report you.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-10-08 11:51:00

I don't care if Darren has communication issues.

I care about a 19 year old girl who has been brought over here to be kept a virtual prisoner by someone who is supposed to love her.

You can't blow sunshine up that no matter how hard you try.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-10-08 07:55:00

And that has what to do with you lolling at what I said?

Seriously, I'm all ears as to what point you were initially trying to make.

*sigh*

I was not lolling at what you said. Please don't make it about that.

Darren doesn't want Gretchen to have a job. Let alone miss any fulfillment from a job while she's caring for their children.

There. That's all it was.

OH and btw, everyone who is a drama queen cares....they want to criticize your every move now. Don't feed the sharks!!! lol

Dude, Darren has actually used the word "control" when he refers to Gretchen.

I don't think we are the sharks.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-10-05 18:28:00

People are multidimensional, you know that, right?

Not in Darren's world, they aren't.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-10-05 05:48:00

I'll go one further. I am conservative leaning. I believe it's right for a woman to stay home with the kids, if financially possible. Actually, in this economic climate, I believe in one parent - be that the father or the mother - staying home with the child. I believe that it's unfortunate that parents mostly have to make child care arrangements so soon after giving birth, and mostly miss the little milestones and miss being the biggest influence in a child's life. I believe that tending the home/caring for the children is equally as important (if not more so) as going out to work; and if you are part of a strong team, one should stay home while the other goes out to work. Division of labor, you know. Don't get me wrong, I work part-time and am self employed, so most of my work is now done from the home, and I do love having a diversion from my child at times. My work though, is partially my identity. I like my job. Sometimes I miss being able to do it full time. But we had a child, and he is more important than anything else. He is my child; I am the one who is going to raise him everyday. Not my parents, not day care. Luckily, it's financially feasible for my husband and I to do so.

Saying all that, even though this is what I believe, I would never ever ever be ok with staying home while living check to check. It's not a strong financial plan. It's also quite unwise. And tbh, if there are no kids in the home, I feel having a 'housewife' is superfluous, and goes back to what I see as a control situation. IMO, the best way for any immigrant to acclimate to his/her new environment would be a part time job, where not only is there a financial benefit; it would help the immigrant - in this case, Gretchen - have extra cash to send home (as previously PROMISED), but also to help her grow and thrive as a young woman in her new homeland. Where she can make friends, be social, and develop outside interests other than just waiting for Darren while holding his slippers and a martini. I will be the first one to admit that I am speculating from limited information, but I feel confident in my assumptions from all I have read from Darren. My assumption is, he wants that CONTROL he spoke of earlier. I think he's afraid that now that she's in 'the promised land', she will either get 'Americanized' by realizing what she signed on for, or she will develop interests which don't include him. So she's the bird in the gilded cage right now. Which makes me very sad for both of them, actually.

You didn't help your case by saying you love taking care of the baby, but you miss your work life.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-10-03 18:40:00

Because that would empower her?

Does your wife work outside the home? I think it's good for a woman to make at least some financial contribution to the household. It's especially good for her state of mind. I've been a stay at home mom. I quite liked it. I was able to keep my house clean and I cooked the way I like. I was home for my son when he got home from school. It really was great.

But I also had a home-based business (a successful one at that) and that kept me from going nuts. There's only so much mopping and wiping and dusting and diapering you can do in a day. And the loneliness - yikes. Even Moms who are active at their children's schools don't get enough varied socialization if the only other women they know are just like them.

I don't think it's "un-traditional" at all for a woman to go earn a little bit of money. Women have taken in laundry, baked, mended, and cleaned other peoples houses for centuries in order to help make ends meet.

So what if the women in Gretchen's village don't work. Isn't it part of the "problem" in the village that people are poor? The way out of poverty is to work. I think if Darren really wanted Gretchen to move beyond what he calls her "tribalism" then he'd encourage her to move into at least some form of feudalism.

*edited for spelling*

Edited by Rebecca Jo, 29 September 2011 - 10:58 PM.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-09-29 22:56:00

What would be wrong with Gretchen getting a little part time job to earn enough money to send back home? That wouldn't hurt your future family and it would give her some pride.

I don't think you should be calling yourself an expert on how to run household finances. You clearly aren't very good at it yourself or you wouldn't be broke for three weeks after coming home. That really is no kind of "lesson" for her.

I don't think you realize what a double standard you are exhibiting to her. It's OK for you to blow the bankroll, but not her family back home.

Gotta walk the talk or you look foolish, you know.

Rebecca Jo

Female

United Kingdom

2011-09-29 06:12:00