Forum	Title	Content	Member	Sex	Country	Date/Time
K-1 Fiance(e) Visa Process & Procedures	Does he want to have children?	Wow, nothing like the subject of kids to get everyone in a tizzy! I think it's hard sometimes when you've been with someone else for a long time not to occasionally forget that Mr. New is not like Mr. Old. It's just simple laziness of the mind. And this one is a keeper, no doubt. I'm so glad he isn't like my ex in any way! We're both happy, independent people who -- as I said before -- are very honest and open in our relationship. That I haven't yet discussed it with him is out of character for me, and frankly makes me feel like I'm 16 and worried about "scaring off" some boy. I blame worrying about being needy, when this isn't neediness, beyond a need for clarification. And as I said before, I will speak to him about it, and soon. (I'd do it this week, but he's off work with a terrible cold, and I'm staying faaaaaaar away from him at the moment out of a sense of self-preservation!) Some of y'all crack me up with your judgments. I don't think I need therapy for this, but thank you to the person who thinks I do! Also, I hardly think wondering if I'm misinterpreting signals is indicative of insecurity, but if you like to think so, go for it! And it's super that some of you talked about baby names before having sex, but perhaps I'm a little newfangled for something like that. Or maybe a little easier than you, meh. We all have different moral compasses, particularly when it comes to sex. I think my situation -- where I met my boyfriend here in America, and we have had what is pretty much a standard "domestic" dating situation with no long-distance aspect to it -- means that we don't have a lot of the pressures many of you do. Our work situation means that we don't have to worry much about hurrying things up, and because of that we haven't had a lot of the dealbreaker conversations as quickly as many of you have had to. I agree that the kids/no kids debate IS a dealbreaker. As I have said before, I thought this was a settled issue for ME, but now I'm not 100% sure I do not want children. He told me early on having kids (in the abstract) would be great, but it was more important to have a partner he loved. I am totally cool with whatever he says, since my relationship with him in the here and now is more important than hanging everything on putative children. Glad to be providing a little sideshow here!	palmsgirl	Female	Canada	2011-12-07 15:16:00
K-1 Fiance(e) Visa Process & Procedures	Does he want to have children?	Youre six months into the relationship and you are fearful of having a grown up conversation???? This is a mighty important conversation and, lady, NOW is the time to have the baby talk-actually BEFORE you engaged in baby making activities...I mean you knew before you even entered intothis relationship that you had different wants so you made a poor decision when you pursued this man. At 38 it would seem you would have the maturity and wisdom and courage to address this issue with the nman you say you are in love with as opposed to your buddies. Grow up, initiate the conversation and part ways if you have differnt ideas. This is one of the deal breakers. Most people I know do not discuss the idea of children in-depth before they have sex. If a man asked me if I wanted to have kids with him in particular before we had sex, I would walk the other way. Let me be clear -- I told him I had chosen not to have children. He said he respected my choice. Neither of us expected this relationship to get as serious as it had -- I was looking for something more casual at the time. Life turned out differently and we fell in love. I have been reassessing my decision to remain childless in the past couple of months. He appears to be dropping hints he wants to reopen the children conversation. He is not pressuring me, nor am I pressuring him. We need to have a conversation, and I accept that. I'm just wary due to my past with a former partner that hated to be put on the spot about such things. I know these two men are not the same, nor should I expect my boyfriend to respond similarly. I'm not fearful, just nervous -- I was asking the "hive mind" of VJ to see if the signals I seem to be reading are not completely off. If he says he doesn't want to have kids, this is not a deal breaker. If he says he does want to have kids with me, this is not a deal breaker. What IS a deal breaker is if he says he wants to have kids... with someone else.	palmsgirl	Female	Canada	2011-12-06 21:42:00
K-1 Fiance(e) Visa Process & Procedures	Does he want to have children?	Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who's replied! (Even the ones telling me not to ask here... I love you too... ) I guess because my marriage ended so badly I am suffering from a bit of "once bitten twice shy" here. My ex-husband HATED to be asked about anything sensitive towards the end of our marriage, and it usually ended up in a lot of tears. So you'll appreciate that I am a little skittish about messing things up, even though these guys are NOT the same in any way. (The ex was a delicate and emotional and CRAZY person who needed handling with kid gloves at all times; my new man is a strong and independent person and I adore him for it.) I'm able to talk to him about everything, and I'm open and so is he about the things that we do that the other doesn't like (which are thankfully minor -- for him, it's my slight slobbishness; I hate that he always falls asleep when we're watching a movie. No biggies!). We both put a lot of stock in honesty with each other. We're too old for anything else. My love feels so special and new and amazing that I sometimes treat it like it's fragile, when in fact it's pretty sturdy and can take some knocking. I guess I need a BIG glass of that wine and I'll talk it out with him. We seem to be on track to foreverville, and if kids are part of the equation, given my age, I need to know NOW so I can start making adjustments here and there. If anyone's wondering why I'm asking here, it's just that I've been lurking on VJ for a while, and I thought I could get some independent advice here. And asking on a baby/parenting site would be a non-starter -- those places are mostly chicks who think having babies is a good idea, and I need to hear from dudes and non-parents!	palmsgirl	Female	Canada	2011-12-06 18:30:00
K-1 Fiance(e) Visa Process & Procedures	Does he want to have children?	I wanted to ask a question of VJers. My boyfriend and I haven’t yet gotten engaged, but we have been together for six months now. We’re very much in love, and get to see each other a lot because we live in the same city at the moment because of our work situations. Because he’s from a relatively similar cultural background, and because we don’t have to worry about a long-distance relationship, we are very lucky not to have a lot of the obstacles many people on here seem to have, and I’m grateful for that! We’re both in our late 30s, and I’ve been married before, though he hasn’t. When we met, I mentioned that I had no plans to have children, not because I didn’t like kids, but because I just couldn’t see myself as a mother. We never really discussed it after the first month and I thought it was a settled issue. However, recently he’s been making a lot of comments that seem to suggest he wants to have children with me. For example, we were at a store the other weekend, and there was a display of rag dolls of different ethnicities. He picked up the Asian one and joked, “If you have a baby, it better look like this and not like this [picking up the white doll] or there’ll be some explaining to do!” In an, uh, intimate moment he asked me if he got me pregnant, would I have the baby that might result from our activities. (Yeah, that kind of ended the “intimate moment! ) When I complained of cramps during my last period, he joked, “Your body is getting rid of our baby!” And on and on, almost always in a joking way. Occasionally, like when we were shopping at TJ Maxx this weekend, he’ll grab my hand and give me a kiss when I comment on how cute a baby is and get all mushy. It’s very sweet, and so is he. I think he’s just about the most wonderful man I’ve ever been involved with – a wonderful combination of strength, integrity, responsibility, kookiness and tenderheartedness, with amazing musical talent and a kickass motorcycle – and I’m starting to think that maybe I *could* have a baby after all, if it were with him. Kids love him, and he’s stated in the past he thought he’d be a good dad. (And I completely agree.) However, since we’re still in early days in this relationship, I don’t want to scare him by bringing up the whole kids thing if I’m totally reading this wrong. One thing I learned from being out on the dating scene after my marriage broke down is that it’s very easy to read men incorrectly! I want to know – especially from men – whether people think I’m misreading things, or if this guy seems like he really does want to have kids. If that’s the case, since I’m 38, my window of opportunity is not so big anymore, and there are a LOT of things I would need to reconsider in my life. On the other hand, if I get this wrong, I chance totally freaking him out. I’ve asked a couple of my male friends and they think I should just go ahead and ask, since my relationship is stable, committed and loving, and since he and I seem like we’re going to be in this for the long haul, it would be good to clarify things now. But I’m terrified to mess things up with someone as amazing as this. Any advice would be appreciated!	palmsgirl	Female	Canada	2011-12-06 15:56:00