biggish data

Very poor communication

QUOTE (T_and_A @ Apr 21 2009, 03:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

sorry guys... This may be long... its just that this is my only way that i can bring my feelings out... with someone actually listening.. to true genuine feelings. I really need help thru good and sound advice. U need not read the entire thing but just read the last paragraph where I ask my questions and where i need help on... but to understand where im coming from, you can read on. I appreciate all comments in advance.

May 20 - almost midnight...
I was actually awakened by a very bad dream - I felt it was so real, and I woke up to myself. found my husband still awake on the edge of the bed - doing something in his computer. I tried to calm myself down and rolled on the bed... tried hard to go back to sleep. Tried harder - I couldn't. I was feeling so bothered, since pregnant, I've been getting bad heartburn, everyday worse <that's why i always have antacid handy>, so I decided to get up and get a cold water for a drink. Still i couldn't go back to sleep. I wanted it all out. And so I thought about blogging it or post it here in VJ. I decided the latter since I could use a really good advice.

This is actually our 11th monthsary... yay! I am happy. I love my husband a whole lot, I have even convinced myself I love him more than i love myself...yeah. I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him. I guess... just a guess.. this may be where my problem started in the first place...

...back to my dream. I dreamed that I woke up the same night, the same scenario, my husband was there on the edge of the bed, still on his computer. It's 11 pm.. I woke up asking him why he's still awake, what he's doing on his computer that is much important than taking a good night's sleep... no answer. He just sat there and continued with what he was doing... so i got up and tried to peek on his computer. and then he locked it. CTRL ALT DEL. I got so mad. I was so mad, I was crying... and there was a big fight. That's when I woke up..

Reality... Had a usual day... though for me... secretly i was wanting something special to happen, something sweet on this day.. after all, this is our monthsary. He drops me off and picks me up from work but today, he asked me if somehow I could manage to have coworker drop me off at Ross and so he can just pick me up there since his boss is in town and he may not be able to leave work as expected. Fair enough. I managed. I failed my first driving test..and now I only carry a learner's permit. But since my husband is the only one i have here, there's really nobody to rely on. I don't have friends yet that I can consider really friends. I hate being in that situation. Not having friends and not able to drive. Most of it i blame myself especially for failing that drive test <this is actually a different story - funny and disappointing at the same time>. With making friends, I don't think I have problems with people. I actually make friends easily in the Philippines. But here, maybe because my world revolves around my husband like to things together all the time. He drives all the time, whenever, wherever we want to go when we are not working.

Anyway, back to today... on the way home from work, he was really saying he's tired. And I can tell he is tired. I was tired too. From all day's work and having to walk and walk window shopping, while waiting for my husband... to kill the time, carrying my handbag and a big baby in my tummy. We decided to eat out to treat ourselves since its our monthsary anyway and he said he's hungry and Im starting to get hungry too, we couldn't wait long enough to get home and make dinner. And so we did. We did our usual dinner, but as we were eating, there's not much words spoken. I tried to ask him how his day was.. do you love me.. and ask him why his eyes are almost teary and or sparkly.. but not much reply there. I felt disconnected. I have always wanted someone to share how my day was and my partner doing the same thing with me. I have always wanted to make memories, good conversation... just sharing those with someone I thought would be my husband. But i thought i'll just leave it at that... maybe he's just tired.. On the way home, while in the car, still the same thing not much words exchanged. Just sit there in silence... deafening silence. I just tried to close my eyes. And then his phone rang, he answered it - was his ex-wife, as usual. They chatted on the phone for a few minutes. He was giving her advice, where she can go to get some cheap clothes I think (the ex wife left me a message on my celfone earlier that day telling that she needs an oxford shirt, I didn't bother answering anymore. Since about a month ago, I just decided that i don't really want to be friends with her, I tried it but it's so not working for me. I only end up hurting myself more from it.. deep inside. so I just distance myself from that from now on. Try to get myself out of that situation. <this is one major big problem for me too but that's another story I might post here in VJ next time soon since i'm running out of ways to keep it to myself> After he hung up he asked me while trying to rub my hands "are you mad at me for answering the phone?".. I feel at the time, pissed but that scenario is almost always the case...nothing new there, been like that since I got here so i just replied i am not mad at you... there's nothing much I can do about it. And he took his hands away from me and again... the continued silence. I calmed down a bit. I told him "I am not mad at you... It's just that I hate that I'm in this situation. I can't do anything about it. As much as i would like to not want to be in it... that's not really reality... I guess it's just too much to ask not to talk to your ex wife, so sometimes to deal with it I just shut myself down so I don't feel as sad", coz for all the time since I came here, it never really happened even if i do sommersault its really not up to me reality is i have to face and deal with it every day. It's not really up to me. I am not the one in a relationship with his ex wife. and then again...<the one in quote i voiced out, the rest silently in my thoughts> continued silence until we got home. I walked my 2 doggies, that's also most of the time my outlet to my disappointments and frustrations here in US...brings me some joy, always put a smile on my face, makes me forget about it... my two doggies while he... as usual, gets to his computer... doing whatever... he said he's playing his game but i feel like he's doing more. I just tried to watch tv until I fell asleep around 930 pm... with other thoughts running in my head... like what is he doing on his computer? <whenever i would try to peek, he would close the lid of his laptop and lately, he put a password in it so i couldn't get in, i asked why... he said with a loving smile... just to torment you... i just tried to laugh it out, thought it was funny though a part of me is shouting he doesn't trust me>and woke up almost midnight..

Basically, I needed advice on what to do to get my husband to talk to me more... have an open communication with the most important man in my life. We promised each other that even before we got married but i guess it's not happening. I feel like he's so far out there, like climbing a wall just to get to his thoughts...I believe he loves me.. and at first I thought and tried accepting maybe it's just his personality. But I need him to understand that I need that too... I need to connect with him to feel satisfaction out of this marriage. Am i asking too much? OUr communication is so poor. I want to try reaching out more and I just feel like im shut down. with other thoughts running in my head... like what is he doing on his computer? <whenever i would try to peek, he would close the lid of his laptop and lately, he put a password in it so i couldn't get in, i asked why... he said with a loving smile... just to torment you... i just tried to laugh it out, thought it was funny though a part of me is shouting he doesn't trust me.. again.. i just feel shut down and closed from his world. I don't care if he may be watching some nasty things on there... I understand the fact that man will be man... I understand privacy and I respect that a lot. What I don't understand is the way he acts when he tries to close his computer whenever I would want to take a peek. When he wakes up in the morning and looks at it and i come close, and i could almost see his windows, he would ask me to get him coffee or water or anything to get me out of the room and close his windows down... he would only say with a smile... just to torment you...

there.. i think at least i have let go of a third of my worst frustrations in this marriage.... i can go back to sleep now... still have to wake up at 5 to get to daily routine needs in the morning.....

What the hell was that Ex-wife calling your husband to get advice where to get cheap clothes?! that is SO not right! damn! I would be furious if I were you. Girl.. save something for yourself ok? don't give it all to him. Maybe he is thinking (this is just my opinion and i dont know him to judge) that you love him so much and its ok to do anything he wants. Don't look desperate for attention in front of him and see how he reacts. Do the same thing hes doing to you. (i know its not a good advice but trust me, you will feel better then mourn afterwards if you are that kind of person whos into revenge.. but in the end would say "i didn't mean it")

Yes.. i understand the privacy issue. He wants his privacy fine. So you want yours too. Had the same issue with my husband but he changed and said that Its not right to keep secrets from me.. not even his damn yahoo messenger/email password. Name it.. I know it all.. from his SSN, credit cards, email log in etc.. etc... and he knows all of mine too. My husband is sneaky and sometimes say things like "yea i like to make you curious" but your husband words is "TORMENT" which is not good. My husband knows that I am sensitive and likes to talk.

Say when your husband say "to torment you" try this respond: "Is this how you should treat your lovely wife?" and ask what is he hiding? IT is very rude of him to just ask you and get him some coffee, water.. whatever just to bust your #### out of the room. You are not his servant!

ONE THING....

you have the right to know EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING about him! no matter how much it hurts. SO Please! Be strong for yourself and for your baby. You are the wife and you have the right to shove off the ex-wife. Do they have child? If not... ####### is the communication for?! My husband has a daughter with her so they just talk about her and what to do with her. No more no less. He knows more than that means argument. Well... He hates his ex-wife anyway. It's also a good thing they dont have spousal support. Does your husband have spousal support on her? ASk him.

Be a strong woman. Don't ever let somebody bring you down and use your weakness to hurt you!

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-04-24 01:00:00

QUOTE (Completely @ Jul 1 2009, 02:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (DEDixon @ Jun 30 2009, 09:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (Completely @ Jun 29 2009, 10:54 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Some people works overseas to get ahead and its not a bad idea at all. Thousands of americans is having a good life here in the middle east. No taxes, free furnished apartments, car, what else can you ask for? Maybe you and your husband should consider working overseas just to get ahead, pay off the billX, have some savings then go back in the USA. Just a thought.

Leave for 125 degree weather.... hmmm, I'm staying put in the USA!

Well if he wants to get over his debts? why not sacrifice? Beside work is inside the office with fully airconditioner, not outside under the sun...hmmm.. sometime you need to set aside something if you want to get ahead.

yes you are right, my husband and I are slowly getting off the shithole. We are planning to have a BPO in the Phils and hes already starting to gather some data and information about the prices and the law. I just hope it becomes successful.. Thank you sa mga replies!

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-07-01 11:11:00

Thank you for all your replies! I really appreciate it and it gives me good views on how to handle credit card wisely in the future. It's not mine anyway. It's my husbands. hehe. I just help him pay it all off since kasama din naman ako sa gastos niya dati. Nabaon kami sa utang kasi naman when I got here I couldn't do anything but to wait for my adjustment of status.. ssn... work autho and green card... hay. The government won't let you do anything til then. Naaawa lang ako kay hubby since ang laki ng debt niya so I give my share of my money to pay it off a little bit.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-06-25 23:23:00

QUOTE (MikenKyhen @ Jun 26 2009, 02:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (melissa/martin @ Jun 25 2009, 01:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (MikenKyhen @ Jun 26 2009, 02:23 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Credit card debt is a big problem for many people in the States. Generally it's the interest rates that make it impossible to pay your cards off if you can only afford to make the minimum monthly payment. You may want to consider a considation loan to get those cards payed off and under no circumstances should you apply for another credit card at this point. Concentrate on getting your outstanding debt payed off first before considering getting a card of your own. Every time you apply for any kind of credit it is sent to all three major credit bureaus in the United States. Just applying can have a negative impact on your over all credit score.

make it look like a loan? I think they offered us that but it also means that the credit cards will be close by us when we paid it all off lets say for 60months. We have been paying a lot of past dues right now. I have been stressed lately.. even though its my husbands but still I help him with the bills. All of my salaries every 2 weeks just go to the credit card dues whew

It's such a pain in the ####. Our american express and Chase credit cards are close and we are paying it like a loan so once we paid all the debts it will be closed. I am trying to save the bank of america and the citibank though...sigh.

Just wondering if you enroll to their program will it affect your credit score? They told me it wont because once its all paid off it will show as WE close it, not them. I have never had a credit card so mine should be just neutral?

I think you are misunderstanding Melissa. You have to go to your bank and apply for a consolidation loan. You can get a loan to pay off all of your outstanding debt at a much much lower interst rate than what the credit card companies are going to offer you.

Ohh i see! i never thought that's possible. I will try to talk to my husband about it then. Thank you so much!

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-06-25 13:42:00

QUOTE (edp333 @ Jun 26 2009, 02:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My solution was to make extra payments on the higher interest rate card. When that card was payed off, the money went to the next card. It is not easy, but a good way to learn about money management. After this I only used the credit card to make purchases I could pay off in a month. This allows credit for emergencies.

I added my wife to one of my credit cards to get her a credit history. This lowered my credit score as closing credit cards did for your spouse. Close the cards if the temptation to use them is too much.

Search jean chatzky on google as she has many great budgeting tips.

Oh so if you add your wife like an extension she'll have a credit history? Coz my husband added me even before we got married so my card is under my maiden name. So if all else fails...like let say that card which i have my name on as an extension got submitted to collections department. IT would also affect me? even though it's my husband was bf who submitted it? Is that how it works here?

Then we better save that card then. I don't want to have a bad credit score even before I start.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-06-25 13:39:00

QUOTE (MikenKyhen @ Jun 26 2009, 02:23 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-06-25 13:31:00

Hello visajourney people! I have not been online for a while because I am busy with my work and paying some bills! uh tell me about it! I just want to share I am so happy because I passed my behind-the-wheel test here in California. Well, barely passed! hehe I had a lot of minor mistakes. It only took 2 weeks and I got the driver's license card. Now I can drive alone but the thing is.. I need to save up for another car.

I'm currently working as a part time-regular in a retail store and I would like to get more income. Do you know any legit home based job? As I have never encountered anything. It is so hard to find a job nowadays that will pay more than the minimum. I feel so stuck, depressed and helpless because I really want to study but since our bills are so high especially the credit cards, I didn't have a choice but to work and help my husband earn. We both are working so hard to make the ends meet. He told me that we are still lucky compared to other people and that i should be thankful that I have a good job.

We are broke right now because of the credit cards issue. I need advice on what to do with them? 2 of our 4 credit cards are closed.. i think when you enroll to their program it will show as you close it instead of them closing it. Now I feel like i don't want to get a credit card here.. I have never had any, but they say you need it to have a credit score? Should i get one?!

Thank you!

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-06-25 13:13:00

anyone near bay area in San Francisco or San Pablo

I live in Bay Area, Fremont, California. I'm 1hr away to San Francisco If i take the Bart.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-07-01 11:04:00

How much do you send each month?

Fiance now husband never sent me money as I never asked for it. The only time he sent was during my medical and interview application fee, other than that none. No monthly support because i was able to support myself and my dog.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-10-05 11:25:00

Terms of endearment.

We call each other SWEETBABU from the 1969 peanut cartoon Charlie Brown. Sometimes he calls me mighty babu and i call him Big Babu coz hes way taller than me. When Im mad he calls me sweet & sour babu. hehe.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-08-09 23:59:00

its not my card, its his card. I called them and have me removed and they did and they are gonna mail it to me. (i hope hes not lying to me) This is really frustrating me and thinking about killing myself already.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-09-03 18:21:00

QUOTE (perfect @ Sep 4 2009, 12:23 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I really feel for you because that was my situation when I moved here. Came to find out that my then to be husband hadn't told me even half the picture about his debts. I knew he was bad with money but had no idea the full extent of what he owed. House had two liens on it at the time and we got a letter about 2 weeks after I arrived in the US threatening forclosure for unpaid mortgage. Turns out he owed about $70000 in various debts including credit cards, unpaid accounts, taxes - you name it - he had it. Many accounts had already gone to collections. Basically whenever he got mail he left it unopened and he didn't answer the house phone at all - knowing it would be people chasing him for money. His credit score at that time was 485.

So...here is what I did. I made him give me all his cards. I sat and opened one trash bag full of old mail to see what was really going on and dealt with it all myself - and I mean all by myself! He gets $20 allowance every alternate day and has one credit card with only $400 limit so he can't do much damage. I save coupons and look online for savings, only buy things in sales and cut out all unnecessary expenses (such as not taking the toll road to work - we live in Southern California), only having basic amenities on TV and home phone.) Fortunately he has allowed me to take complete control and now we have paid off all his old debts and his credit score is almost 700 - in less than 5 years.

His brother however, who is the same way with money, still never looks at his mail, never answers his phone and has many accounts in collections - some of which have resulted in wage garnishments which he has no control over. He is and always will be in a desperate situation looking over his shoulder all the time. 50 and nothing to show for it. Can't own a home. Can't buy a car. Nothing...

My advice: take charge. Collection agents here are aggressive. Make sure they are abiding by the Fair Credit Act about when they can call you and how many times a day they can call you and if necessary let them know you will report them for harassment. http://www.ftc.gov/b...edit/cre18.shtm

Most of the companies I dealt with did allow me to set up some kind of payment plan - see if they will be wiling to negotiate one for you. See if you can get your husband to give you his cards either for safekeeping or so you can destroy them and see if giving him a small allowance would work - this should also make him more conscious of what he is actually spending.

I really feel for you because it's a horrible situation to deal with but it can be done. You need to be strong be prepared to dig in for the long haul. I hope our success gives you hope!

Thank you for your reply.. well there is nothing really i can do about her daughter going to a private school. Some here even told me don't blame it on the kid.. which i am not. But its a big chunk of money $1000 monthly is enough to pay all of the those 4 cards he has for a year. I really don't know whats gonna happen. We also received a lot of calls but its from the bank not yet from the collection agencies.. soon it will be.

Our rent too is expensive we pay $1660 for 2 beds and bath and our lease wont be up til July 2010 so we are stuck til next year. We have cut off everything we can and leave the stuff we need for survival.. food and clothing. I have a little spare money on my own account but i am just afraid to pay his credit cards because what if they just take money from my account without my authorization because i am the wife? I am really confused right now.

Another concern, i wanna ask... In his Bank of America credit card. He put my name on it as an extention card. This is before we got married so my name there is my old last name. Is this gonna affect my credit score too? Is this considered as unsettled lien? I wanna apply for a secured credit because I am thinking at least one of us should have a good credit in the future.

He is still the main cardholder in the bank of america credit card, im just an extension. So i dont know if its gonna affect my credit score since it was on my old last name. Thats what im really worried about.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-09-03 16:43:00

QUOTE (rheanick @ Sep 1 2009, 03:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (melissa/martin @ Sep 1 2009, 03:02 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

my credit score will be affected too? even though all of his credit cards are under his name? and he has huge debts even before we got married. We are only married for 9 months.

I am not really bothered by my credit score as i never had any credit cards. So i don't have a credit score? and if its gonna be affected then i'd be in a shithole... coz no credit score plus bad credit history caused by my husband.

I dont really know how it works.

Your credit score would be affected if you piggyback on his credit card. You should apply your own credit card.

I am planning to get a secured credit card in the future because nobody would want to give me credit right now. I don't know if its a good idea but i heard its the only thing you can do to build credit score.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-08-31 13:40:00

So far we havent been reported to collection agencies because we paid some this month. But we receive calls day and night, so if get reported to collection agencies then.. it'd be the worst part, right? -sigh-

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-08-31 13:36:00

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-08-31 13:02:00

wow thank you so much for your replies... It really helps my sanity and think more clearly what to do next. My husband and I argued last night but we are ok now... still not into cuddling and talking mood.

We decided to sit down and reduce our expenses

*i removed his data plan from his celphone which is $15 per month
*removed his $2.50 yahoo messenger plan
* I reduced my netflix to one at a time for $8 a month... it used to be $40 because we get 5 at a time
* we also removed our blu ray subscription $5 per month

I am planning to also remove my gps subscription in my celphone and just buy the real gps.

(we don't have cable subscription thats why we have netflix)

Next step maybe just hang our clothes instead of using the dryer. About our rent.. well can't really do anything til our lease expire in 2010 but my husband and I will try to negotiate with them. Maybe that would help.

He'll get his bonus this October it's not a lot but it helps, and i get paid 3x this October.

But i am pretty sure he will be reported to the collection agencies. If that happens, can we still continue paying the debts? Whats gonna happen after hes being reported?

Thank you so much! I never expected a lot of good suggestions!

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-08-31 12:31:00

Thank you for all your response. I really appreciate it. My husband and I are arguing right now on how to pay the rent, the private school, utilities and food. I told him that if he doesn't change then i'll just move it and let him deal with all of it. I told him to be a better person and accept the fact that we can't afford it.

I just don't really know whats gonna happen with his credit debts. We owe chase, bank of america, citibank and american express. Even with care plan we still can't pay them all.

Well about his divorce the reason he is not paying high child support its because when they divorced they had almost the same amount of income. Also its a joint custody so they talk whatever they want to do with their child. Its all about their mutual understanding.

My husband earns decently but just not spending right thats why we are broke.

The only thing i can do i guess is to support him with his idea about the business and try not to discourage him so much -sigh-

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-08-30 23:51:00

QUOTE (betsay @ Aug 31 2009, 07:40 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (melissa/martin @ Aug 30 2009, 05:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (Armenia @ Aug 31 2009, 07:06 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You seem to have more money sense than your husband. I would insist that there be changes made like you and the others suggested (change school, apartment, get rid of most credit cards). It seems even before the two of you got married, he was already managing his finances very badly (depending on credit cards to pay for travel expenses to visit you = living beyond his means). The most you can really do is insist. But, what if he doesn't take you seriously and make those changes? Would he be willing to see a credit counselor? What are your options if he doesn't even want to see a credit counselor?

Expecting you to find a higher-paying job (if you could even find one at this point) to pay for his debts was not very nice of him. I have a friend who married a USC. For seven years, she had to support her husband because her husband's pay (and part of her pay) went entirely to paying off debts he had before they were married.

I am very interested in hearing other people's suggestions about this because I think this problem is not uncommon at all.

He is trying to start a business now and i hope it goes well. Its called a BPO and we are using word of mouth to promote it and have a client. My worry is this is a trial and error thing it could work and it could not work, although im trying to be optimistic. He told me his daughter going to a public school is not an option and even told me if he could get a loan just to keep her there. -sigh- If i bring this up to him right now, we'll just argue.

I love him and i just want to help him out but i don't know how to deal with him. I am not telling him that it will be forever public school for her but for this time only since we cant move because we already signed the lease and will expire on 2010.

All of my salary goes to our bill and i dont disagree with that. His' just go to her school and rent and expects me to find a better paying job... It hurts too much.

I'm so sorry about your situation - did you know that he was deep credit card debt before you even married him? I think the problem lies primarily with your husband. He had and is still living beyond his means and is not willing to make adjustments to be able to pay his debt. That is totally irresponsible, inconsiderate and uncaring. How dare he tell you to find a better paying job to pay for his debts!! I'm sorry for saying this but it's the truth, and unless your husband changes his attitude, your debts will even get bigger. I suggest you pray hard for God to change and soften your husband's heart and change his attitude so that he will see the problem, listen to reason (listen to you) and make concrete plans in getting you out of debt.

I kinda know about it and thought that everybody has debts. I just didn't know that it will turn out like this. This is so bad. He told me mainly because of his travel to the Philippines to visit me. He visited me 5 times before I got here in the USA and we went back this year for his major dental problem but it didn't get fixed.

Is it my fault that he visited me many times thats why he owes too much? I didn't force him to.. although i liked it and enjoyed the company but i didnt think that in the future right now that I and him would be in deep debt.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-08-30 17:48:00

QUOTE (Armenia @ Aug 31 2009, 07:06 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-08-30 17:18:00

QUOTE (Kathryn41 @ Aug 31 2009, 06:42 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

There seem to be several decisions happening that have resulted in living beyond your means. Resolving the problem will mean making some hard decisions that may be uncomfortable for the short run but will definitely help in the long run. Your suggestions of sending the daughter to public school along with finding a cheaper place to live are definitely good ones. With credit card debt that high you will be accumulating significant interest payments that may eventually far exceed the amount of the original debt. The longer you take to address ithis problem and pay off the debt, the more the amount will escalate.

You might find it useful to sit down together with a credit counselor and discuss your financial situation and see about working out a repayment plan. Burying your head in the sand doesn't make it go away - it just makes it become a bigger and bigger problem until it becomes unavoidable on its terms, not yours. You definitely need to be pro-active about this. Good luck.

Thank you for your response, I just wish my husband could understand the circumstances of what he is doing right now. I told him that many times but he said that public school here is bad. My opinion is it can't be that bad since we live in a nice neighborhood. I also understand that his daughter is also his responsibility but i am just really worried about the outcomes later.

The companies could really find out if hes capable or not, coz if he is not they he could declare bankruptcy and destroy his credit score for 7 years, but apparently sending his daughter to a private school means not paying the credit cards.

He is even telling me to find a better paying job, which i think is sick. I am trying so hard to find a good job but in this economy i could only be optimistic. I never stopped applying for jobs. Also, I can only apply to a place accessible to bus because we only have one car.

I just really don't know what to do right now. He said he'd ask his ex-wife or brother to at least help with the tuition but hes hasnt done it yet.

Where can i find a credit counsellor? I am so tired and I just want to give up and go somewhere.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-08-30 16:48:00

QUOTE (melissa/martin @ Aug 31 2009, 05:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hello to all visajourney goers here! I hope everything is going well.

I think i have a dilemma right now. I will try to make this as short as possible.

My husband owes at least $35,000 from his credit card. He has four credit cards. The problem is we aren't able to pay them all. They are all in past dues and some of them are in their care program (less interest and no late payment charge), but still we need to maintain and pay the minimum for us to be qualified still to their care program.

Reasons for the debts:
visited me many times in the Philippines and relied too much on the credit cards
Had a major dental surgery in the Philippines
Our rent increases yearly (although i know we can find a cheaper place but he thought we'd be alright so we just renew our lease and will expire on July 2010)
his daughter goes to private school, tuition also increases
I couldn't find a job right away when i got here because I had to wait for my Greencard

I just recently got a job and it doesn't pay well but still it helps us. But my pay just goes directly to phone bills, electricity,sewer, water and a little bit for the rent. His salary goes to rent and her schooling. He is divorced and only required to pay $35 monthly for child support because they (ex-wife) almost had the same income when they divorced. No spousal support. They have joint custody.

We live in a good neighborhood here in Fremont, Ca. We have been receiving calls from the credit card companies about our debt. We argued many times about it already and I am just tired. I told him if we can send her daughter to a public school for a year until we can breathe a little bit and find a cheaper place to live (til our lease expires in 2010) then she can go back to private school. We pay $1000 monthly for her school. The ex-wife pays the summer class and she lives there. She just had her braces. We only get to see her once a week... every Saturday and stays overnight.. and rarely in the weekdays because her mom always picks her up at the school.

But he doesn't like it. He just ignores the call and told me we'll pay them when we can.

So my questions is...

Can he be sued? I asked because he is capable to pay those debts but chose not to.
Can the court order him to pay the credit card company and take money directly from his paycheck?

Thank you. I appreciate all the answers.

Also I wanna add if this is considered as cheating? (not to me) but to the credit card companies. He signed a contract that he must pay the debts monthly right? I am just worried because what if these companies find out that he could pay since he is sending his daughter to a private school and just ignore them (credit card companies). I think he can be sued and be forced to pay the debts first, because it is his responsibility.

I am just so stressed right now. I wanna help him but he doesn't want to help himself.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-08-30 16:41:00

QUOTE (DEDixon @ Aug 31 2009, 06:26 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Please take your birth control pill every day... don't forget it!!!

are you trying to be rude? I am here to seek suggestion because we messed up. I admit that. I am trying to figure out how to make our lives easier by asking suggestions.

Please don't be rude as I am really emotionally drained right now.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-08-30 16:29:00

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-08-30 15:36:00

Calling all Filipino living in Fullerton,CA or near...

hello! May malapit ba dyan sa Fremont, California? hehe hang out naman tayo! napapagod na ako magwork!!! ang liit naman ng sweldo huhuhu. Miss ko na ang inuman! hehe

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-06-25 23:29:00

pasensya na po

you know what? thats exactly what im experiencing right now! pero hindi naman niya tinatago sa akin yon.. nakapadisorganize niya lang talaga. Ang ginawa ko e shred ko lahat ng pictures ng mga girls nya before. And about sa pictures naman nila ng dati niyang asawa with his daughter... I put them all in one cd.. copied and paste it and i gave it to his daughter. Lagi din naming pinag aawayan yan grabe! I know what you feel.. since you really cant help itl talaga na maging jealous. Siempre once in his life "they were having sex and accidentally made a baby" -sigh- thats how i see it.

So i gave all the pictures to his daughter... EVERYTHING.. I told him I never want to see any pictures of her here in OUR house.. you and your daughters pictures are fine but not with HER. If ever i see one I'll delete them or shred them. Thats what I told him... coz I feel like how are we gonna start a relationship when I keep on seeing your DAMN EX WIFE? are you stuck up with her? have you moved on already? Coz if you havent then... let's end what we have now.

Girl you have to be strong.. don't let the ex wife nor the daughter intimidate you ok? You are the WIFE now and the most IMPORTANT part of his LIFE! Remember that! Don't let them bring you down! Be tough! I know you can handle it. I have more sympathy about this case because people don't understand how it feels to be in this situation.

God Bless you!

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2009-01-25 19:34:00

Married Filipinos who send money to family back in Philippines

He is just a stroll... Don't feed him. He likes attention and now he is getting it. We all know that not all FILIPINAS are like that. Have a good day to everybody!

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2010-02-25 02:41:00

Married Filipinos who send money to family back in Philippines

I agree!!!

I wish I could send money for my dog too. He's a bit high maintenance hahahaha
Better yet, I want to bring him here. LOL. However, his life is already charmed there with his 3 nannies

My dog can't work.... my parent's/brothers/relatives/cousins can!

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2010-02-24 17:25:00

Married Filipinos who send money to family back in Philippines

I only send money to my dad because he is taking care of my dog (chow chow). I send $50 every month which I think is enough for my dog's food, vaccinations and shampoos. I don't want them to think that I have a lot of money and that I am willing to give it to them. I see how my husband worked so hard to get where he is at right now. He's been homeless and moved out of his parents house when he was 17. My relatives/cousins in the Philippines never been homeless so I really don't have a sympathy.

I am sorry but money is something you should work for. Hard work and patience.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2010-02-23 17:20:00

Is middle name suppose to change with marriage?

from what I know.... American middle name is just a normal name.. like John David Smith.. could be written as John D. Smith....

in the Philippines... we have middle names... and MAIDEN names... names that we acquired from our mothers.. so if your name is Mary Jane Vargas Ramos.... you could be Mary J. Ramos here in the USA... they do not put MAIDEN names here.... based on what I know.

melissa/martin

Female

Philippines

2011-02-01 23:14:00