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Immigration Fraud ****Share Your Stories****

IMHO, if people don't want to hear negative stories on VJ they shouldn't read threads about immigration fraud. This message header was 100% clear about its stated purpose: to give people a space to talk about international love gone bad via fraud.

Now if you're not in a space to read that, then skip over it and focus on something else. Simple. There are lots of different topics and postings here on VJ. There's plenty of room here in cyberspace for people to read happy stories and sad stories.

southernchic

Female

2008-02-21 21:34:00

May I ask how much exposure to habesha folks you had prior to meeting / marrying your husband? How much contact with other habesha folks does he have now that he's here? Might be helpful for him just to better understand the name of the game here in the US.

I had a circle of habesha friends long before Nani and I met. That helped me understand much of what she'd be going through once she gets here. And I tried as best I could to see to it that Nani has contact with other habesha folks around here. That helped her a lot when it came to hooking the first job, etc. Plus, she could call local folks and chat on the phone in Amharic which made the transition a bit easier on her - talking to me, it was all English. She insisted because she wanted to learn.

And I hear you on the way habesha folks talk and it sometimes having sort of a "demanding" tone to it. We've ran into that a time or two. It was a matter of teaching her to use different terminology and intonation and to recognize at the same time that the "demand" is really more of a kind request to be considered.

All in all, we were past our "rough patch" approximately 3 months after Nani's arrival. She's still adjusting, of course, but she has the basics down and is comfortable here. Really, once she started working things went very, very smooth. Sitting at home all day for just over three months really was hard on her. She tolerated it well for the first month or so but then she grew rather impatient. I found an ESL program for her at that point to keep her positively occupied while the papers were processing.

Good Luck!

Prior to meeting Sultan I had very little personal exposure to habesha people. I was friendly a couple of people but it was never personal enough to where I could to learn much about the culture. Sultan knows a lot of people in Washington, DC.

We're getting through the cultural differences and the language challenges. For me, its important to acknowledge for myself that its a struggle sometimes. And its good to be able to hear other people's experiences. I know that things will get better.

southernchic

Female

2006-09-05 11:29:00

I have read this thread with some interest.

On one side, you can list everything that is wrong with Nigeria. On the other side, you can list everything that is wrong in America.

What is most beneficial when starting your new family?

Find the strengths of both cultures and build upon that.

Dismissing your spouse's adjustment to the U.S. beacuse you think the U.S. is better, is not a good solution.

The foreign spouse refusing to assimilate to the U.S. to some degree is also not a good solution.

Just have patience, patience, patience. Don't matter where you come from, there is going to be adjustment. Understanding, for both partners, goes a long way in making a happy marraige.

I don't think people are dismissing their spouses adjustment to the US because there are more opportunities here. Some of us are just allowing ourselves to acknowledge our own struggles as US partners of new immigrantts and in doing so we are recognzing that the burden of the transition should completely fall on us as the US person...just because they left their homeland.

When Sultan first arrived from Ethiopia, I didn't think i had a right to be stressed out or frustrated because he was the one who left his mom, dad, sisters, brothers to live with me. One day I realized that I needed to acknowledge my own feelings and struggles. And its been much healthier for me. Just bc Sultan thinks this is how something "should be" doesn't mean I don't push back. I'm not one of those "pro-American" people but i do tell him that he's in the US now where some things are different. He doesn't have to embrace American ways but he should at least become familiar with the culture/country he has chosen to live in.

S

southernchic

Female

2006-08-31 14:56:00

When i talk about assimilating into a new environment, i don't mean the fact of wearing jeans, talking on cellphones, having perms etc. Granted, a lot of western culture is of great influence in nigeria as is in many other countries but talking about clothes, technology does not begin to touch the surface of culture shock that is experienced once moving to the U.S this is from personal experience and family members that have recently moved here both in the youth and elderly age.

The most daunting struggle my hubby is attempting to comprehend is the American value system. In particular, the lack of family values/unity. Where in Naija can you so readily find Adult Care/Residential treatment facilities, and Senior living centers??? No, it's just a given that family members provide care for family-at all costs. America is known for being a 'Throw Away' society, in many aspects... We throw away our ill/dibilitated family when they inconvenience our lifestyle (God forbid we allow them to come live in our homes for a period longer than a weekend stay-if that....) Over 50% of American marriages are thrown away with "No fault divorce". Now, kids can go through the court system to divorce their parents. Finally, we waste our resources (natural & man made) like crazy! America is considered to be one of the best places in the world, if your primary focus is obtaining material wealth. However, where is the higher social moral ground? Heck, higher salaries are paid to dog catchers, as opposed to a care giver. Why is it that more tax payer dollars are shelled out to house prison inmates annually, while a large percentage of citizens work full-time jobs, but are yet dubbed, "The working poor" earnings that place them at poverty level? Anyway, I'm going to leave that alone... Just can't figure out the rhyme & reason behind it all... But one thing I know for sure is that our country's priorities are misaligned. A country where children disrespect their parents, teachers, elders, and law enforcement... All in the name of "RIGHTS"
Wow!!! What an environment to assimilate into.
Thank God for the supporting Nigerian association meetings that provide an opportunity for everyone to come together to eat, dance, network, and just simply enjoy the camradere of fellow kinsman. A way of staying connected with ones traditional values, while transitioning into a new society (so to speak)..

I think you make good points here...moving to the US isn't just about establishing a new family or a more comfortable way of life. But the irony to your statement is that with all the problems of the US and its culture our SOs will need to assimilate in some ways. America will be their home. the environment that seems so foreign will be come normal to them. That's the irony.

But on the postive side, being in an intercultural relationship has helped me embrace being an American more than I did in the past. I like our freedom. i like the equality women have here. I like the way the fact that we, as Americans, are so open and relaxed. We have a ton of problems but....America isn't the wort place on earth to live and assimilate into. :thumbs:

southernchic

Female

2006-08-31 10:30:00

Look at all that our SOs have sacrificed to be with us. What I have listed is so small. We have talked about all of these things and more, and he tells me he will adjust. To me he is a brave man to leave all that he knows, to come to a different country, all for a woman that he loves. I feel honored. I know it will not be easy for him. I will support him and have patience while he is adjusting to life in America. It is the least I can do, after the sacrifice he has made for me.

Very well said! I couldn't have said that better myself.

Just because it is less desireable to us does not mean that they would not miss the only home that they have ever known. Someones home does not have to be glamourous for it to mean something to them. And I was not just referring to these from Nigeria, to all who have decided to leave their homes to come here to us. What about the personal sacrifice that they have made for us.

And yes that would be a huge sacrifice for me to go to Nigeria to be with him. We have talked about it. I have 3 children and their father will not let me take them out of the country. Justice does not want me to leave me children behind, so we are working on bringing him here.

No matter how bad you think it may be where they came from, it is still a sacrifice to have left what they know. I did not say that they could not have a better life here. They can, but it will take alot of adjusting, and we need to have patience with them.

I also agree, wholeheartedly, with this. This issue is one of the main topics that my fiance and I discuss. He comes from a very war-torn country with no infastructure, no electricity or running water (for more than a decade now), a very bad security force, etc, etc...but yet, he is still happy. It is the only place he has ever known and even though it is hard to live there and he has to struggle, he is still happy. He has all of the non-material wealth to make up for the lack of comforts. A great family to spend time with, classmates that he's grown up with, a secure job (no matter how much the pay sucks), a home, pets, the ocean in his backyard... So I do agree that just because it is "bad" doesn't mean it isn't a sacrifice. I will also remember to be patient with him when he arrives and starts the adjustment process. This is will be a very hard process for both of us, but even more for him because it is simply something that he is not used to.

I am really enjoying this discussion and its good to get diverse thoughts on this issue. I have to say that I don't feel sorry for my husband for coming here. I don't even know if the transition is harder for him than it is for me. I can't answer that. He's making sacrifices. I'm making sacrifices. He's not living up the street from his family or his friends. That's hard. He's adjusting to a new environment. Yes, that's tough. But...let's keep it many of our SO want to be here, too.

My husband doesn't want for anything. My husband has a gym membership, cell phone, health insurance, nice home, several friends from Ethiopia living nearby, relatives living nearby. The transition is stressful but at the same time he's starting a new life -- a life he's always wanted. Maybe I'm just hard core like that.

S

southernchic

Female

2006-08-30 11:43:00

In my rather elaborate attempt to express the double adjustment i am talking about, i used the example of the Nigerian banker but ofcourse the few items i mentioned make up a minute tip of the iceberg.....extrapolations can be drawn in so many directions as to the various factors that could be considered part of the adjustment phase.

Trying to dwell on all those would simply take a year...or more.........

You bring up an interesting issue. HOw difficult is it to find a job if you're from another country?? I've met alot of educated African men who are driving cabs or are working somewhere they wouldn't perfer. Any thoughts??

S

southernchic

Female

2006-08-29 20:33:00

Ok another interesting cultural difference, an amusing one, is that my husband isn't used to doing physical labor. His family has a house maid who cooks and cleans for the family. I think this is typical in many African countries.

One night I was cleaning the carpet and was on my hands and knees scrubbing out stains. I was working up quite a sweat. He later told me, "We gotta get a housemaid." H said that maybe we could even send for relative from ethiopia to live with us because he didn't realize that americans worked so hard in their houses. He thought everyone had a house maid just like in Africa.

What's funny is that whenever I feel that Sultan's being demanding about me cooking or something I tell him, "What? Do you think I'm your housemaid?" And he even says the same thing to me if I'm bossing him around.

southernchic

Female

2006-08-29 13:36:00

I can say for sure that my husband (from Ethiopia) can come across as rude sometimes. And when he's on the phone w/other Ethiopians he speaks VERY loudly.

What I do is to try to coach him ahead of time or if we're in a restaurant or something, I'll just whisper to him the polite phrase to use if he wants a toothpick or something.

S :thumbs:

MAGIC word? Yeah your husband sounded a little bit rude...but its hard to correct him effectively in the middle of the grocery story. Perhaps just saying..."honey please." And he'll say, "what?"

"Just try to say please or something." I understand, though. Its hard not to get a little angry because its so abrupt.

southernchic

Female

2006-08-29 10:43:00

I would suspect that he's actually practicing his conversational English here. You know...how a child does when learning to speak. They very often say the most silly (to an adult) things and repeat themselves time after time but this is how they learn to interact.

Try to take a deep breath each time this happens and eventually things should fall into place. His conversation will move on after this phase. However, I would prepare yourself for quite a long haul before he is fully conversational.

Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and try to imagine how you would fare if you had been the one to settle in his home country. Customs, language etc. A daunting prospect in Ethiopia, I would venture.

Best wishes to you both......Neil in NC.
[/quote]

Thanks for the post and the advice. You know what's interesting is that Sultan says in his culture they begin a discussion with a question about the obvious. And then a conversation will flow from there. From my perspective, it always seems odd that he would ask me these strange questions. Once I realized that he would begin a convo by asking a very obvious discussion, I'd do the same to him and we'd laugh. But trust me it was after having three or four confusing conversations.

I will say this. Learning about a new culture is very interesting. And it is sometimes entertaining, too. One day i'll have to tell the story of when we I was cooking dinner for Sultan and he feel asleep. When he awoke he said, "where's my food?" He was serious and alittle bit pissed off. Of course I got really mad (bc I'm a modern, feminist-type). Let's just say that by the end of this situation a few days later I'd educated him about modern american men (and how they're are changing diapers and taking family leave), the feminist movement and Roe v. Wade. I can totally look back on this story and laugh.

:yes:

southernchic

Female

2006-08-28 16:43:00

Its so great to read all of the posts. I'm encouraged to continue just taking things one day at a time.

Our main problem is communication. The way he speaks to me as translated in his language tends to rub me the wrong way. It always comes across as being WAY more demanding than he intends. Also, when he starts a conversation i find myself feeling more confused by what he's saying. For example, he'll watch me make and drink tea and will ask, "are you drinking tea?" I'll get confused/frustrated and say, "you just watched me make the tea. Why are you asking me if I'm drinking tea?" And that, of course, starts an arguement bc I've hurt his feelings.

Thanks, for all the support. I love hearing these stories.

southernchic

Female

2006-08-28 13:41:00

Hi all. I don't post much but I can't think of another forum where I might get some support/advice.

My husband's been in the US for two months and I'm having a REALLY hard time helping him adjust. Before he came here I thought it would be fun to see the world from his perspective (and sometimes it is). But I feel like a bad wife because I constantly question if this was the right decision. He's a nice person and he's very loving but..........I don't always have the energy or patience to explain things or to go the extra mile to take care of him. I've read that it takes five years for people to transition to life in the US. Honestly, that sounds like a very very long time.

Am I the only one feeling this way? How have others dealth their or their SO's transition?

:hehe:

southernchic

Female

2006-08-28 09:26:00

[quote name='chispas' post='644168' date='Jan 3 2007, 01:40 AM'][quote name='southernchic' post='636639' date='Dec 27 2006, 12:46 PM'][quote name='wabobo' post='634035' date='Dec 25 2006, 09:11 AM']Wow, there's a lot of factors that you have to consider in your relationship:
1
Now, on the issue of Islam, my husband was drinking and socializing during the two years before he moved to the US. On our first date, we were out drinking and dancing into the night. Shortly after he moved to the US he decided to stop drinking. Trust me...he is no foreigner to the social life. I don't go out to clubs. I socialize with my friends at their houses or in restaurants and I invite him to go out with me.

I don't want to sound defensive, its just that I'm tired of feeling my entire relationship is supposed to revolve around one person.[/quote]

Just out of curiosity, was there a special reason why your husband stopped "drinking and socializing" after arriving in the US?
chispas
[/quote]

He stopped drinking because he wants to be a more responsible person and a more serious person. He and his cousin were just telling me that a lot of people drop their "bad" habits before coming to America. His cousin also dropped drinking.

southernchic

Female

2007-01-03 10:23:00

Wow, there's a lot of factors that you have to consider in your relationship:
1. Culture: (which will spin off most other things:
a. Religion: If he is Muslim and you are not = big problem, he sees things completely different (i.e.: going out, drinking, socializing)
b. Work: a man's money is his money. He is the head of house. Seriously. See culture, religion.
c. Communication: speaking/answering in English is completely different from completely understanding what you are speaking and answering.
d. Socialization: Women who go out in Ethiopia are often referred to as "bar ladies" or prostitutes. This is what he has seen his entire life. He will adjust to women in clubs, etc., but will never like you doing it: you're his wife.

2. Location of residency:
You live in a city that is filled with Ethiopians. Do not discount the influence of Ethiopians on him. He sees Ethiopian couples and the traditions that are the norm to him, and then he comes home to a "different" house (in every way, from food, language, traditions, and religion [unless you are muslim or orthodox]). MAJOR PROBLEM. You'll never be Ethiopian.

You must get to know him. Learn of his culture and participate and incorporate it into EVERYDAY life. Converting to Islam is something you must consider. You should have known that.

My husband said if he didn't tell (or ask) you to convert to Islam, he used you to get to America for a green card. To quote him directly "There are too many beautiful muslim women or even orthodox or christian women in Ethiopia to marry a non-muslim or non-Ethiopian unless he was going to be able to leave Ethiopia for U.S. or U.K." Sorry about the bluntness, but he's a straight shooter.

I am not as pessimistic as he. I say work hard to keep your man happy. Keep talking to him, keep loving him, and keep learning about him.

Best of luck.

Based on some of the advice here, it sounds like everything should revolve around him. I must learn about him. I must understand him. I must cater to him. Don't get me wrong. I am more than happy to support him, to learn about his culture and everything about him, but honestly i have my limits. I expect a partnership. So far, he's done a decent job of it. He washes dishes. He'll clean and cook, also. This is a good start but in order for things to progress the communication has to improve. And I'd like it if he'd understand my culture and way of life, too. I think that's reasonable. I'm not one of those women from the countryside. So I'm having a hard time accepting the idea that I'm supposed to become a traditional Ethiopian woman.

Now, on the issue of Islam, my husband was drinking and socializing during the two years before he moved to the US. On our first date, we were out drinking and dancing into the night. Shortly after he moved to the US he decided to stop drinking. Trust me...he is no foreigner to the social life. I don't go out to clubs. I socialize with my friends at their houses or in restaurants and I invite him to go out with me.

I don't want to sound defensive, its just that I'm tired of feeling my entire relationship is supposed to revolve around one person.

southernchic

Female

2006-12-27 15:46:00

Hoping you DC members are getting together.......still looking to do the same
here in St.Louis metro.
At least change emails and phone numbers to start with.
It is sometimes difficult to talk about this with friends who don't have a foreign SO, they are clueless and you get this 'really ???' stare. So support is great from those who
experience the same issues.
At the same time the SO can discuss our western ways together with others and
know that they are not alone with their frustrations in this country.

Everyone is welcomed to share their experiences of dealing with the cultural differences between them and their spouse. And PLEASE don't get me started on the difficulties of talking to friends and acquaintences. I'm so grateful for having a very good friend, who is from Africa and is married to an american, who's given me tons of guidance.

Again, if there are any couples in the DC/VA/MD area who are interested in meeting up, please PM me. Also, once I create a meet up I'll post it here on VJ.

S

southernchic

Female

2006-12-21 07:47:00

I forgot to add that visiting for a while is one thing and making a life
together under cultural adjustments in daily life full of pressures is
a very different story and I am preparing as well as I know how.

Yes, its true, sometimes when I come home from work I'm so tired and stressed. I'm less than enthusiastic about explaining things. We've got a lot of differences....and lord knows I could write a book about all the little things that he's said or done that have either made me laugh or made me very angry. But the good thing is that we're both growing and changing. Last night, I even talked to him about something that bothered me and it turned out to be just another misunderstanding. But it lead to a real breakthrough for him because it reminded him of what his mother said to him about his need to communicate more. I was really touched because he was just sitting there thinking and he looked at me and said, "I guess i must learn to communicate more. Will you help me?"

Now to your question from earlier about how Sultan adjusted to socializing with just me. Really, there wasn't any problem. Sultan isn't reallly a guy who spends a lot of time with random guys if he really doesn't trust them. So he's happy just hanging with me. Sometimes he will go places with his cousin or another friend. But otherwise, its just the two of us.

I don't mind.

Like I said earlier, Sultan and I have laughed and cried together. We're comitted to this relationship. the more that I learn about the culture, and even more on the challenges of immigrating to the US, the more compassion I have for him. As an American, I'm totally ignorance about the challenges of migrating to America. Seriously, I knew there would be challenges but I had no ideas what they would be. Maybe that could be a new section on VJ.

S

southernchic

Female

2006-12-20 08:10:00

I love this thread.....keep 'em coming !

I think the MENA group had something like this thread.

It may be a good idea for those who are close in the area to exchange phone numbers
for a good support.
Any one in the ST. Louis metro area ?
Can't think of any other issues right now but I am sure there will be many when he finally gets here.

I love the idea of a DC area group for intercultural relationships. If any one is interested please PM or email me. I'd love to hook up for coffee or something. Thanks for all of the advice. It makes me feel better knowing that I need to learn about the culture.

MONEY: Re: money we're working things out. I think he has some misconceptions about how much money I make and about the concept of me being broke. And I think it might be a good idea for him to pay the bills for a while so that he can understand the pain and heartache we all go through paying bills every month.

He doesn't make enough to pay all of the bills so any advice would be welcomed. I probably do come down hard on him about things. I'm a bit of a perfectionist (hence the reason why I forbid him from wearing the leather jacket and also from wearing white socks with black shoes).

SOCIALIZING. I noticed while I was in Ethiopia that men socialize with other men. I kept asking him, "where are the women? Are they at home?" We go out to the movies and restaurants togehter. We'll also go to Starbucks and relax there, too.

The issue with socializing, which is a cultural issue for us, is that he DOES NOT like for me to go out at night with my friends. He's muslim and says that in his culture a woman is considered a "garden tool" if she's out past midnight. Now, we don't argue about this. He trusts me but it still makes him mad if I stay out late -- even if I'm just chilling at a friends' house. Also, if I go out and have one drink, as soon as I walk in the door he's like the alcohol police. He'll say, "Your drrrrunk." (you know rolling the r's) And, of course, i defend myself and prove that I'm sober. Its very funny. I'll have two drinks and he'll swear that I'm totally drunk. I tell him, "Dude, you've never seen me drunk. It takes more than two glasses of wine"

The question about culture is how do you identify a conflict as culture instead of personality??? How have people had the patience to sit back and say, "What just happened?" before it becomes an arguement??

I hope we can keep this discussion going.

southernchic

Female

2006-12-19 18:13:00

Hello everyone.

Me and my SO having been living together for almost 6 months now. He's from Ethiopia and I'm American. Our relationships isn't what I expected at all. He's a loving and gentle guy. I'm fairly laid back person but we are constantly arguing over things that later turn out to be misunderstandings or cultural differences. I am really having a hard time. We try to discuss things but I end up feeling REALLY frustrated. I'm just curious. Are there some cultural issues that I am missing?

Money. He likes having nice things. When he wasn't working I took care of both of us and he just didn't understand why the finances caused me stress. Now that he's been working, he's all about saving his money and thinking about the future. And he doesn't want me to know exactly how much money he has. he says that in his culture women don't ask men how much money they have. We are figuring out a compromise and a financial plan. But I was shocked that he just has a hard time understanding living expenses and bills. He seems reluctant to spend a lot of money on bills. He says that when he was home he always had money to spend and that he expected to have alot of money once he started working. My response was, "welcome to America. we're all broke" I say this slightly jokingly. We live in DC, which is one of the most expensive cities to live in.

Listening. He doesn't like to listen to me sometimes. When he first got here in June we were going to a get together. He wanted to wear his leather jacket. I was like, its too hot for leather. He just wouldn't listen to me. Finally I was insistent that he could not wear it he gave in. Its very hot in July even at night. I just couldn't understand why he didn't believe me. That's the perfect example of what I don't get. I love him and want to help him understand how things work here but i swear to God, he's quick to disagree with me. I can't force him to listen but sometimes its a drain.

Communication. This is getting a little bit better. But my husband just doesn't like explaining things. And no matter how many times we agree to communicate, it just doesn't work out that way.

Anyway, I want to make our relationship work. I'd welcome some insights.
Sonya

southernchic

Female

2006-12-19 08:58:00

QUOTE (ZeeNusah @ Dec 20 2007, 11:16 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (southernchic @ Dec 20 2007, 10:46 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

What you fail to realize is that people marry their husband/wives believing that they are wonderful, awesome and incredible people. If you read the posts in the 'adusting" section you'll see story after story about how poeple who are wonderful overseas and come here and cut a natural fool (or were percieved to do so). I'm not saying its all the immigrants fault but obviously there are a lot os USC in states of shock. Some of it may be cultural I don't know. Either way, if you marry someone from a country where they can't come to the US on their own there is a chance that they have ulterior motives. They may be in love, yes, but at the same time they may also see their love as an opportunity for a better life for them and their entire family. It doesn't mean that ALL immigrants but there's a chance. Just like if a rich man marries there's a chance his wife may not be as willing to put up with him as he thought she would be before they got married. Its just human nature. Let's keep it real.

I am married and I am current living without trust. It didn't start out that way, For most of the time during my relationship I got to know him and trusted him. And I thought I got what he was about. Once he arrived in the US things changed. Let me be clear. Things changed because my husbant thought that I was a God fearing woman who loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him and we'd just be happy. What he didn't realize was the he'd F"D up. And maybe that's where culture comes in because in his country women don't confront their men the way they do here. Maybe in his country men get away with bad behavior. We certainly see it here in the US. So its not a stretch for a man from a male-doninated society to think that he doesn't have to be accountable even when he's wrong.

So if you want to know how someone can live without trust there you have it. The reality is that its not the end of the world. Similar things happen between USC. We will all survie. But...the issue is that ending the relationship is little bit harger BECAUSE he's an immigrant. You bring him here and you want to give it time to work. You want to feel as if you've tried to understand his culture versus personality. You realize that he WILL NEVER just leave and return home. You factor in his visa status and his future. You feel guilty asking him to leave. After all that happens, you realize that you don't wanna put up with his bs, his culture or whatever anymore. You just want YOUR LIFE back.

Every relationship is different. And I honestly believe that an international relationship COULD work. But as others have said more eloquently than me, do your homework on the front end, spend a lot of time with the SO before he moves here and keep the faith.

I see your point and I respect what you said but at the end of the day I have to wonder if all the spying, mistrust and suspision on the front end is not dooming the relationship from the beginning.

I am not going into marriage with blinders on. I know that it is not a bed of roses but I am also not going to consume myself on the off chance that he may be in it for something else.

I'm sorry maybe I am just too naive or young or something.

I never spied on my husband until he gave me a reason to and that was only after he moved here. i will keep saying over and over again. We ALL have to do what we need to do. Fall in love. Get married. Take a risk. That's what life is all about. When I was getting to know my husband it was an exciting experience. With each email he sent to me, I was thrilled. I looked forward to it. No one can take that away from me. It is better to be in the game of love -- even if you fail -- than to sit on the sidelines with your arms folded complaining that there aren't any good men out there. That's why we are all here. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

Best wishes,

southernchic

Female

2007-12-20 11:59:00

QUOTE (ZeeNusah @ Dec 20 2007, 09:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (Kelechi @ Dec 20 2007, 07:20 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I first want to say I have been very busy in this new life with a new job and a new husband and have not been posting as much as I probably should and I hope I can post a bit more especially if I can help someone in their journey.

I have been reading this post and I personally feel this is a very good post. We need to try to let the ones coming after us know not only the good but the bad also as any marriage has. I need to tell you ladies to be very careful of your personal computers and your telephones especially your cell phones. I also want to inform you that there are ways to protect yourself when you have a personal computer in your home with Internet Access. There is software on the market that can moniter your pc. If anyone wants more information about what I am talking about just pm me and I will give you details. Some telephone companies allow you to keep track of phone calls on a daily basis and AT&T is one of them. No matter how you trust your husband always take care of you first. Always try to stay one step ahead of satan and rebuke him in the name of Jesus.

We have to remember that our fiances or husbands had a life before they met us and some of these people that were in their lives will continue to be in their lives. All I am saying is to keep your eyes open and be cautious of these people that are being called cousins, sisters, extended family and aunts. If you see a lot of chatting, text messaging, and phone calls going on between your husband or fiance and a cousin ask questions. This just could not be a cousin. And no matter how close you think you are to his family just remember that it is his family not yours and they all could be in on whatever is going on. Stay in prayer my sisters and brothers and always remember that there is someone on VJ who is going through the same thing that you are so dont think or feel that you are alone.

What kind of marriage can you have if you are constantly suspicious of your spouse? I don't understand it. You are not the first to say this but to all who think that you need to watch your spouse, are you happy? Are you fulfilled in your marriage? I have never been married but I know that no man is worth it if I constantly have suspicious thoughts about him.

Sorry, but this issue is really eating at me. Did you not think about this before you got married? If you are unsure about his intentions then why not get out of the marriage?

Marriage is about love, trust, compromise and adjustment. Do you think that your spouse cannot sense these uncertainties that you have? Maybe this is what leads them to go out and do what they do.

How do you have love without trust?

So now, are all of us supposed to go out and get these spying devices, install them on our computers and cell phones and be suspicious of every little thing? I am sorry but until my man gives me a reason to mistrust him I will not. What does that say about me and my commitment to this relationship?

If you look hard enough, you will see that which isn't there.

southernchic

Female

2007-12-20 10:46:00

When I joined VJ I constantly looked for information about international relationships. And there really wasn't a lot of information out there. Also, there wasn't as much of a space on VJ to discuss these issues. Personally, I am sharing my story to support others who are in similar situations and to tell stories that I didn't read while I was considering if this relationship was for me.

I believe its important for people to know that they're not alone and to know that maybe they DID pray enough and maybe they did the best they could but it still didn't work out. Bad things happen to faithful people. Look at Job. He lost it all while folks sat on the sidelines questioning his faith.

Best wishes, everyone.

southernchic

Female

2007-12-20 00:36:00

QUOTE (Omoba @ Dec 18 2007, 12:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Southernchic I wish you both the best and hope you can overcome your troubles

and that he will realize his mistakes.

You had an interesting cultural adjustment thread some time ago, last year maybe, it was so funny. I should look for it.

Thanks for being real.

Thanks for your kind response. Everything will be okay in time. At this point, all I want to do is to get my life back and start rebuilding my future. I just want it to be over.

southernchic

Female

2007-12-18 16:04:00

QUOTE (Omoba @ Dec 18 2007, 11:50 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I am wondering why one should withhold trust and not give it their all in a relationship. I agree that trust is earned but there must come a point in time where you are no longer suspicious and always looking for something. That point should be when you decide to commit to a life together.

Personally, I don't like sharing a life together with one eye always suspiciously open. It kind of shows insecurities. Constant suspicion
disrespects him IF there is nothing to be alarmed about. I am not talking about a marriage in deep trouble here but a healthy one.

That is what the time of getting to know someone is for. Study the culture so you know what is culture and what is personality.
If dishonesty comes constantly into play then that is a deal breaker and serious reevaluation of the relationship would be needed.

OK, so you trust 100% and are happy and then things don't work out......well, what is so bad having trusted and given your all ?
You have done all you could and if the marriage doesn't work out you act like the strong woman that you are and pick yourself up and go on.
I have.
I rather trust completely, give it my all and then face trouble head on than living in constant suspicion.
If it's not working its not working but my point is trust while it is working.
Constant suspicion is a form of disrespect to your mate. Unless you have a good reason to be.

We are all at different levels in the relationship but I am also speaking from experience having gone through a marriage before that failed.
It is my advice to trust once committed to propel yourselves forward.
I had a b/f once that was always suspicious of me for absolutely no reason. I left him, I felt he didn't understand who I was and that we could not m.ve forward as his lack of trust disrespected my intentions.

I respect your view point. But in my honest opinion one can't possibly get to know someone 100% when they don't live in the same country. My problem wasn't that I didn't trust my husband. The problem was that I trusted him, took a risk and but began to see that he wasn't trustworthy once he arrived in the US. His problem was that he thought I loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him no matter what he did.

Once I saw that he was shady I began to get suspicious and it was ONLY then that I began to discover little things that he'd lied about or hidden from me. Even when I begged and pleaded for him to change and take responsibility, it continued and still does to this day. Am I happy that i had my guard up and didn't just jump in 100%. ABSOLUTELY. Otherwise, I'd have a child in the middle of a really messed up situation.

southernchic

Female

2007-12-18 12:03:00

What I"m about to say isn't going to settle well with people but I'm going to put it out there. I wouldn't advise ANY WOMAN who is dealing with a man from a traditional overseas culture to trust that person 100% until they've lived together for a while. I say this ONLY out of concern and as a point of caution.

When I read the posts it reminds me of how I felt before my husband arrived. I thought that he was the sweetest, nicest and kindest man I'd ever met. Why? Because that's how he presented himself. But since he's lived in the US its been a different story. Don't get me wrong. His personality is very sweet but there's a very dark side. He's not physically abusive. HOWEVER, I swear to God I am finding contriditions and constant dishonesty in him all the time. Anything he does that is wrong he will argue with me for a half hour to justify that it is right. For example, he STOLE a piece of mail addressed to me. I found it. He took it from my purse twice. When I confronted him he tried to make it seem as if he didn't do anything wrong.

Just yesterday where he expressed frustration when he thought I was being unfaithful (which I was not), essentially he said that if we were in his country he would have beaten me. I was shocked. Never in a million years did I imagine that my sweet, gentle husband would even think of commiting such an act. But he said that he was serious. We'd talked about this issue a few times before he came to the US and every time he said..."oh no I could never hurt anyone." I swear this is just one of many examples that the person I talked to online and on the phone for TWO years was a fake.

I don't say this to discourage anyone from finding love. Follow your heart. Do what you have to do to be happy. But please, ladies, don't give away ALL your trust to someone who hasn't proven themselves. There is a such thing as having different levels of trust in a relationship. Please make your husbands/fiance's EARN your full trust once they move here. Its easy for a man to say, "i'm honest. I'm nice. I"m going to support you." when they live thousands of miles away.

I don't say this to be negative. Just a word of caution.

southernchic

Female

2007-12-18 09:15:00

QUOTE (D&N @ Dec 17 2007, 01:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I just want to comment, and say - these things happen right here. I never saw our situation as being any more risky than meeting, loving, and marrying someone from right here at home. The advice i read is good, and the risks that you actually never get out of a marriage what you put in are the same no matter where the person you love and marry is from.

Everyone's situation is different but from my perspective the circumstances of an international mariage are VERY different from marrying an American. When you start adding language, cultural differences and immigration status into the mix it gets even more complicated. I believe these kinds of relationships can work. But there were situations in my relationship that would never existed had i married an American. Or let me put it this way, we had cultural differences.

I'll just give you a few comical examples.

1) He hid my wine. At a certain point, my husband decided that he didn't drink and that he didn't like it when I drank. So one night I came home to find that he'd hidden my wine. His reason? "Well in my culture is it okay to take some thing away if it is not in the other person's best interest." My response....."WHAT?? Don't ever hide my wine. Are you crazy??" I was so pissed. I mean who hides someone's wine? I'm not an alcoholic. But my husband thought that we fought bc I drank. Now he knows better. LOL.

2) "Where's my food?"....famous last words.....When my husband first oved here, he feel asleep while I was cooking him food (something I'd never do for an American man bc it was 10 p.m. and I wasn't hungry). Anyway, when he woke up (some time around midnight) he said, "where's my food?" And he had the nerve to have an attitude about it, too. Dude my mouth was open. I couldn't believe he'd say that to me. It was his culture and he didn't see that he was being rude. After much dissucsion he's realized that it wasn't cool.

3) "I am not a sheep." My husband really had a hard time with me telling what to do sometimes -- esp when it came to driving. We were driving somewhere once, I was telling him, "okay...turn here....alright get into the left lane and stay there." Normal stuff. He, of course, was smarter than me and wouldn't want to follow my instructions. When I got angry and asked him 'why aren't you listening to me?!!! do you know where you're going?" His response? "I am not a sheep. You can't just tell me what to do" My response: "Well, you need to be a sheep sometimes." The sheep comment stuck around for a good 6 months.

These are things I can laugh about now.....But I let's face it international relationships are special but come with some special challenges.

southernchic

Female

2007-12-17 09:47:00

I've read this post and another previous post about some failed relationships with African/Nigerian men. I just HAD to say something. VJ is a forum for people to share their good news, bad news, lessons and even failures. If people just want to come here to read only good and positive things that's their choice but...its not REALITY.

The reality is that just as people are meeting their loves, there are people who are hurting and angry at being decieved or realizing that the differences are too much for them to handle. International relationships aren't just love and paperwork. When you choose this relationships you're taking on a lot. And there's a dark reality that there are people from all over the world who are willing to lie, cheat and manipulate unsuspecting people into a relationships, marriage and even having kids. i hope that this forum can be a space to support EVERYONE - not just those did all the right things or have good news to share.

My personal lesson learned is this. "Don't risk more than you can afford to lose."

My husband is Ethiopian. I don't regret my decision to enter into a relationship with him. HOWEVER, I am happy that I never sponsored him for his greencard. Had i, it would have been a huge crushed to be his financial sponsor after really getting to know what kind of person he really is. I won't go into the details of what went wrong. All i can say is that my husband knows its not working for me and he's AGGRESSIVELY trolling yahoo personals and muslim singles looking for other woman. One day he tells me he can't live without me and within hours he's chatting with btwn four to seven different women.

I feel sorry for whomever gets caught up with him. But I'm happy for myself for NOT invested too much - esp once I saw that some bad patterns of dishonesty. contradictions, selfishness and unwillingness to take personal responsibility. I support international relationships. But people need to have their eyes open at the same time. Take my views only as friendly advice. "Follow your heart but don't risk more than you can afford to lose"

Please feel free to PM for more deets.

southernchic

Female

2007-12-16 22:54:00

K-3 Spouse Visa Process & Procedures

FINALLY-CASE COMPLETE!!!

Congrats!!! I an appreciate the relief you are feeling. The visa process is....a a pain. But its worth it.

southernchic

Female

2006-05-18 13:24:00

I129 Update

Hi everyone. I just wanted to provide a K-3 update. I mailed my I-129F on 1/22/06 and i just got my NOA1 in the mail. I'm not sure if this is quick or not. But I'm still patiently waiting.

:thumbs:

southernchic

Female

2006-02-02 23:00:00

K-3 Spouse Visa Process & Procedures

K-3's Moving Forward!!

Feb 2nd.

southernchic

Female

2006-03-30 12:03:00

Well I hope all is well...As a Nigerian-American engaged to a Nigerian...who lives in UK there are many differences however, I have a great relationship with his family...and with having lots of sisters it helps because they are women, so without me even mentioning certain things as a woman they talk to him freely and I just laugh to myself...

I guess it helps that I've been exposed to both worlds with a head start, so at times I automatically know when to turn into one of my personalities, which is all me I guess...but I just balance into the flow of things...and at times...I see with my upbringing...that one of my cultural personality can dominate the other cultural personality (HEHEHE!!!!)

But take it one day at a time...Take care and many bLessings...
Also in the DC Area...

Nkybaby

Female

United Kingdom

2007-01-05 19:26:00

I GUESSED WE PASSED W/ NVC...

I know what you mean...and the notice came while I was visiting in the UK so I suprised to see it when I got back and then I was even more suprised when I called today and they told me that NVC has turned everything over to London (US Embassy)

Nkybaby

Female

United Kingdom

2007-01-24 17:21:00

I GUESSED WE PASSED W/ NVC...

Okay I just had to change my timeline again...It seems that you can receive on thing in the mail...and when you call to speak to a live person you get another things...

Okay my NOA2 was approved via email on 1/10/07 and I got in in the mail on 1/16/07...Then on 1/22/07 I got a letter from NVC dated 1/18/07 that they received the approval I-129F petition...and that in 1 week it would be forwarded to the embassy in London...

Okay...

So I called today the NVC gave them my case # and found out that NVC had actually mailed my file out on 1/12/07 and it arrived in London (US Embassy) on 1/17/07....

I mean everything is cool and seems to be running smoothly...so far...but it's funny how they can mail you letters when the information is not written in updated format...but if we send in any incorrect paperwork they are ready to give you a RFE or find some reason to reject you or investigate you...

Isn't life grand...!!!

But it's cool to think that London got the file the day I landed in London to visit...my honey...

Also isn't it funny...this time around the immigration officer at the airport...wanted to give me a hard time about me have frequent trips back and forth to UK...1st time I stayed 8 days...second time 4 days and this time 5 days...They wanted to know what kind of work I did that allows me time off and blah, blah, and why I like visiting family/friends so much...

I was felt like geez lady it's 7am in the morning....I just want to get some sleep...

But all in all it was cool...and the trip was awesome...

Nkybaby

Female

United Kingdom

2007-01-24 14:30:00

Forgive my silly question

Great news for you all the best and trust me your stuff will be sent to London faster than you think...I can't believe that we got our packet 3 today...after it just got to London on Jan 17th...I wish you all the best of luck and the journey continues...

Nkybaby

Female

United Kingdom

2007-01-26 15:19:00

Want to try to track your paperwork from NVC to the Embassy?

Thanks that seemed to work!

jennybeni

Female

Australia

2007-12-05 17:08:00

Are there any successful LONGTERM marriages?

All of us go thru the doubts and even when he gets here, you will still have doubts. The best thing is that you meet him and his family. You saw how he interacted with his family. If he comes from a typical family, he has many brothers and sisters with a large extended family. It will be hard for all of them to fake it.

This is not a sprint; you can take as much time as you need. Me and my wife took two before I filed papers. We both laugh at the doubts we had. She is here now and marriage is work but it worth it.

Just know that he has a tough road to travel. The embassy is harder on men than women especially with online romance. Take pictures especially with him and his family. In our interview, the officer loved our pictures because they were natural and playful. I made multiple trips and so should you if you can afford it. The longer you are a couple, the easier the embassy will not think it is a green card issue.

Yes, some Nigerians have made it very difficult for others. But if you believe him, then until he gives you a reason to think those doubts are valid, enjoy the ride. Good luck.

KenDC

Male

Nigeria

2007-12-29 21:21:00

Pidgin English 101

Here are 2 Naija dictionaries I use

http://www.ngex.com/...ary/default.htm (best)

http://naijalingo.com/

KenDC

Male

Nigeria

2008-01-16 13:25:00

Sending money out of Nigeria

Is it possible for people in Nigeria to send money to the United States? I think WU and MG do not allow it. Is there another way outside of bank to bank transfer? Thanks.

KenDC

Male

Nigeria

2008-01-19 13:45:00

African Nation's Cup

Any African radio stations.

http://radiostationw....com/africa.asp

KenDC

Male

Nigeria

2008-01-29 12:29:00

African Nation's Cup

If you get MHz stations (http://www.mhznetworks.org/), you can watch the games. In MD (Comcast) we get NTA (Nigerian Television Authority - ch. 194 and they are showing the games live.

KenDC

Male

Nigeria

2008-01-21 11:19:00

African Nation's Cup

Anything regarding soccer-related tv can be found here

http://www.soccertv.com/

http://www.livesocce...cup-on-nations/

Looks like can only be seen online at various sites

Main page at http://www.ghanacan2008.com/ or http://www.cafonline.com/

KenDC

Male

Nigeria

2008-01-16 15:26:00