Forum	Title	Content	Member	Sex	Country	Date/Time
Africa: Sub-Saharan	here again	Congratulations	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-10-06 05:17:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Updates	Thanks for comming back to update us with the wonderful news. God is good.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-10-01 06:25:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	AH, My husband often says to me. Honey, all the trusted cafe's were full today,sorry I did not write you. QUOTE (Divine Mercy @ Jan 13 2008, 05:57 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> QUOTE (MrsJibowu @ Jan 13 2008, 12:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Missy's SO you are awsome. Thank you so much for your time. You are appreciated. I have several Nigerian friends here in America. Across america. I know several that are married for the GC and their wife do not have a clue. They are arranged by other Nigerian friends that sometimes make money from making the arrangement with someone (female party) they considere a friend. I also have a friend that owns a few Cyber Cafe's in Nigeria. I do not think I need to say more. God Bless You! Hmmmm my husband and I both owned a cyber cafe in Nigeria. Although I realize your inference of scams happening regularly there, we were very strict regarding the intent of the customer and the sites they browsed. Quite a few have been kicked out and banned permanently. Some got a good old fashioned preaching to, some by me some by him. One guy was in tears saying his father left his mother when he was young etc etc etc. Before the end of the evening we were helping him to write a letter to his father forgiving him. He begged forgiveness and swore off scamming. We never saw him again so who knows. Not all cyber cafe owners allow bullcrap in their place of business. Also as for #3 FRIENDS: "...Every Nigerian that has completed a post secondary education would definitely have a girl friend except he wants you to believe otherwise. " This isn't necessarily true either. My husband was planning to become a priest when I met him. He believes a priest should stay pure before and after the vows. His friends who didn't know of me until I was in Nigeria facing them were very surprised I existed at all. They were sure he was going to die a virgin, he professed that to people in an attempt to encourage them to also remain chaste. He never expected to fall in love and get married but that was God's plan. These points are sound advice for people. I'm not trying to prove you wrong or argue with you, just pointing out that there may be exceptions. It is scary to think about how much we give of ourselves and risk so much heartache. It's a noble thing to try to save others from such hurt.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2008-01-13 18:15:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	Missy's SO you are awsome. Thank you so much for your time. You are appreciated. I have several Nigerian friends here in America. Across america. I know several that are married for the GC and their wife do not have a clue. They are arranged by other Nigerian friends that sometimes make money from making the arrangement with someone (female party) they considere a friend. I also have a friend that owns a few Cyber Cafe's in Nigeria. I do not think I need to say more. God Bless You! QUOTE (Missy1 @ Dec 31 2007, 02:07 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> This is a very interesting thread, I must confess! I have never posted any write-ups on VJ since this account is my fiance's though I have unrestricted access on it. In fact I read all the post here more than she do simply because I'm privileged to have an internet access in my home which is not a norm in many homes here in Nigeria. I came across this thread yesterday and I'd wanted to post some lines immediately after I read BESANGIN's posts but i needed to inform my fiance so she won't think someone has got access to her VJ account. Anyways, I'd like to direct my post to foreigners(non Nigerian) who found their Nigerian husband/fiance(e) online. First, you must understand that getting to love someone via the internet is not the bane to successful marriage but there are pivotal factors you must consider before making plans to get married to such person especially if your new found love is a Nigerian. The combination of these factors and many more you will research yourself by constant observations and communication with your husband/fiance(e) will help you make a decision on what to do if you find yourself in such situation. 1. MATURATIONAL LEVEL/READINESS OF YOUR HUSBAND/FIANCE(E): Many Nigerian guys are neither ready nor matured to get married. They propose to women online purely for the quest of leaving Nigeria to a place they call "land of opportunity". It will shock you to know that some Nigerians spend huge resources including their time to search for ladies online as their prey. This prey are popularly know as "mugu" or "maga". Majority of these ladies have some things in common: fat, over aged, divorced or widow(F.O.D.W). The believe is that ladies with such commonality are gullible. Don't get me wrong, your fiance/husband might have genuine intention about your relationship but i believe the motive behind him marrying you and also you saying yes to his proposal should be established. Furthermore, you are required to task the readiness of your man getting married to you and not necessarily getting married for the purpose of acquiring a Green card. Also the maturational level of your fiance(e)/husband to handle marital issues should be determined even before marriage. Here, chronological(actual) age does not measure marital maturational level. What you need to consider is your fiance(e)/husband's mental age, patience,perseverance and sensitivity. 2. FAMILY: Another factor you must consider is the family of your fiance(e)/husband. I know in western countries like the US this is not an important consideration but in Africa, it's as important as the survival and longevity of your marriage. This includes the impression that your fiance(e)/husband's parents/siblings has about you particularly because of your race and trace. You must know that some families in Nigeria are very cooperative with their sons. They can put on the garment of pretense and shower you with love and warm hospitality believing it is a necessary key for you to put in the application to bring their son to the "Land of Opportunity". Many parents in Nigeria are against inter-tribal marriages among their children how much more marrying a foreigner. You must understand that family acceptance is not the only key to a successful marriage. However, in some cases such acceptance could be faked. So you need to find out if your fiancee/husband's family are against inter-tribal marriages in Nigeria and then use such information to develop some alert in your case. 3. FRIENDS: You must try to know your fiance(e)/husband's friends both male and female including information about his ex-girl friend since he will tell you that he has no current girl friend. Ask questions about his past relationships and how it ended. Every Nigerian that has completed a post secondary education would definitely have a girl friend except he wants you to believe otherwise. Note every stories and information he tells you about his friends (male/female) and then put him on a "hot seat" after some months by developing some investigative questions from such stories/information. Discovering how real your man is takes a lot of hard work, dedicated time and research but in the end it pays. 4. FUN: You must also consider how much fun you derive from talking to him or being around him. This is a very important issue to consider because many people equate FUN with SEX. By fun, I mean the sensitivity of your man and not his sexuality. How sensitive is your man to any issues related to you? What do you guys talk about on the phone and how much fun and excitement do you derive talking to him? This are questions you need to ask yourself because when everything including sex fails, of course the fun you guys derive won't fail. I'm not saying sex is not an important issue in marriage but sometimes you need to judge your relationship with your fiance(e)/husband without considering the sexual satisfaction you derive and analyze the result to determine what you love about him. I hope this post would be found useful and I stand to be corrected if you disagree with all or any part to the write-up. Thanks!!!	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2008-01-13 12:04:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	Hello VenusFire503, It is great to hear another successful story. Thank you for taking the time to share it with us. I agree that it must be frustrating to hear th stories from naysayers. No one has actually come out and said anything to me, but my Dad never askes how my husband is doing or contribue anything when I discuss him. My mom is so excited for me and loves him already. My church has done a prayor for his visa journey and are excited to have him as a member. People who know you will support you. It has been put out that there are cases, what the signs are, and what to look for. I think everyone is prepared if that should be the case and have accepted that they same thing could happen with a relationsihp with someoen from the US. Again thank you for the good news. QUOTE (venusfire503 @ Jan 13 2008, 11:01 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> QUOTE (ogele @ Dec 23 2007, 12:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Here is a summary of my argument using an anecdote:dating online is equivalent to lending to a very very very very not so credit worthy borrower.However,in the midst of these scammers are a few decent fellows.Desirous to leave their home countries?Yes!Capable of actually falling in love with their foreign spouses?ABSOLUTELY!The risk you bear is in taking the chance of which "borrower" lands in your net,and what you do after that.I am sorry if I speak in parables,but this is how we African men put our truth out for consumption.The truth is,I want all of you with genuinely good hearts and intentions to find true happiness.No decent human deserves any less.Stay focused,enjoy the moment and yes, TRUST. Finally,just like Besangin and others have noted,do not invest more than you are willing to lose in your relationship.But do not hold back that which is reasonable to make your dreams come true.Sorry,I have no formula here, as you alone can do that delicate balancing.I think that if many other African men would be willing to post here,the benefits would be immeasurable.Goodluck to each and everyone of you on their various journeys. As a USC (married to a man from Africa), I prefer to think of online dating as more like lending to someone without a credit history, not so much someone "very very very very not so credit worthy". People gave me all kinds of scary things to think about before I even went over there, and I made sure to keep them all in the back of my mind. But I didn't expect anything bad based on what I knew of him, and I'm very happy to say that he's really wonderful. I also want to address another thing you mentioned, and I am so happy you did. Most people seem to think that just because someone would like to leave their country, that they can't possibly actually love the person they meet from another country. I see nothing wrong with looking outside your country for a spouse, as long as you marry out of love. People here look for specific things all of the time. If you want a man with a good job, you're not going to hang out at the unemployment office! Not saying everyone is as obvious as that, but we all have our guidelines. Some people who criticize non-USC men and women for looking for USC spouses might want to remember that some USC men and women also purposely look outside this country for their spouses - and sometimes even pay to do so! I know friend of my father got what is referred to as a 'mail order bride'. And let's not forget how people within a country sometimes marry for the wrong reasons. I know the potential for fraud (at least theoretically) is higher when there's a difference in living standards between two countries, but it gets irritating when people assume that any USC (especially a woman) who marries someone from somewhere else - especially from a less affluent country - is automatically being duped and that the 'alien' (who came up with that?) is automatically a scammer. You should see the look of surprise when some people find out he has his 'green card' and hasn't left me. By the way, just to mention - I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met my SO. I just wanted something to do when the kids were sleeping and my ex was out at night (I wasn't able to move out until after the divorce was finalized), so I talked with different people on the computer at night. He wasn't expecting to find someone either. But we found each other, and we're very happy. We're just sick of people acting like we have to justify ourselves to them. And their attitudes speak even louder than their mouths.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2008-01-13 11:55:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	QUOTE (ose_n_me @ Dec 23 2007, 12:29 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Lemme ask a question here.... Does everyone's fiance/spouses know about this (VJ) website, and are they reading all these posts? Cuz my husband goes on here everyday and is chomping at the bit to defend himself not only as a Nigerian, but as a man! Although he admits Naija has a bad rep for scammers, both green card seekers, and otherwise (identity theft,credit card,email fraud etc.) he still strongly argues that it is character and not culture that makes these men behave badly. He estimates that only about 3 African men out of 10,000 is NOT involved in some kind of fraud or scam at sometime in their life! He says those without integrity, morals, profound thought, and a strong faith in God are the ones who lie, cheat and deceive. And these kind of people exist everywhere in the world. These are things taught (or not taught) and/or instilled from family as children, and then as we go thru life as adults these values are tested. Many of us fail, but many of us persevere and become well-adjusted, loving human beings. We both believe that ones culture, whether lavish or poverty-stricken, CAN affect the development of ones character, but in the end it is only the weak and ignorant who CHOOSE to turn away from God and live a life of sin. Just like we have people here in the US who are ruthless, materialistic, selfish, greedy and dishonest...so does Nigeria and every other country. It's just that here it is in our face everyday, and even considered acceptable in many ways. We have gangs, drug-dealers, criminals, and low-lifes here who are in many ways doing the same thing that the scammers are doing...trying to feed and clothe their families, or "come up" or make easy money, in a poverty-stricken society. Not saying its right, or just, in any culture to do this...but its happening everywhere in the world. I think that the reason these "romance" scammers affect us women so much is because we have developed into strong, confident and self-supporting women over the years. We have careers, homes and our own money. But we are still emotional beings. We still love hard and wear our hearts on our sleeve. So to be taken for a ride both financially and emotionally is a tough cross to bear. We want to blame it on everything and everyone but ourselves most of the time. I bet that 9 out of 10 times there were "red flags" popping up left and right with our men (foreign or american) but either we chose not to see them, we were in denial that they were happening, or we explained them away. And really that is what women do. We naturally love unconditionally, as nurturers. What we have to do is learn from each mistake we make, and use the experience to never make that mistake again. Each time we get stronger and stronger, and soon...with time, maturity, and life expereince we figure out who we are, what we want, and that we deserve to be happy. And with God as our guide we can survive anything that comes our way with faith and prayer. None of us should feel ashamed or feel as if we failed if our marriage turns out to not be what we had thought or hoped. The experience was the path that God had choosen for us at that moment in time. All paths lead to enlightenment. Everything we experience and every choice we make is for a purpose in God's eye. Its his plan for us. As long as u are living a life of integrity, kindness and love, God will see u thru. I wish all of us a happy, healthy, and wonderful journey with our husbands. I hope we can always come here to VJ for encouragement and support no matter how each of our journeys end. GOD BLESS EVERYONE AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! Well said! His opinion is very important to me. I really do not think this thread is about Nigerian men specifically. Unless i missed a post. I know that many of us women are from the African sub Sahara portal. I also know that I have mentioned a few situations I know about or experience with Nigerian men, but i could also pick out a dozen or so with American men. Definitely a quality and character thing. I have some wonderful friends from Nigeria. My son's God father is Nigerian, he fixed me up with my husband who is a pastor. My husband's brother is a sucessfull god fearing buisness living in AZ. Thank you again for sharing.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2007-12-23 20:14:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	I think this goes hand and hand with me saying that if you do not trust your man then you do not trust yourself. Whether your man is doing something wrong or not. If you are doubting your situation, you are doubting yourself. This lady is still bruised from her previous experiences. She never healed herself to engage in another healthy relationship. So she does not trust her judgment on her relationship. If you walk in faith and by the means of the grace of god, you are confident you are where you need to be at that time in moment. I am sorry that you lost that connection with both the wife and cousin. I am sure that speaking with them made you feel that much more connected to your SO Another Note I think a man can be naive and not understand that his classmate is hitting on him. But I do not think a man can be naive enough not to know that it is disrespectful for him to carry on a conversations with another women on a daily basis. If he thought that behavior was OK, I believe you are in for more problems. If he met a male friend at school, he would not be on the phone with him every day chatting. My son's father had done the same show with me when a girl was caught calling me on the phone. But they were still caught together one month later. After finally speaking with the girl, she told me that he said that just to stop me from nagging at him. I do believe that most of cheating situations comes down to the core values of a man. if he is mature, values god and family, he will know the magnitude of infidelity on the family. His moral values would never let the mother of his children and children go through such suffering. I think there can an error or weakness in such a man, but he would have to repent his sins or continue what he is doing. No one can continue on infidelity route without something to dull the pain of his wrongs such as alcohol. I also believe that men cheat because they have low self esteem. They are looking for the next woman that will validate his worth. QUOTE (Bassi and Zainab @ Dec 22 2007, 12:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I've been thinking about Boaz's post and examples from her life. I appreciate what they showed and hesitate with the idea that you can go to far when you are looking at phone logs and setting up spy equipment on your computer. It seems like it should be common sense that if a woman calls your home for your husband and hangs up at the sound of your voice, that there's a problem that needs to be addressed. But how do you check yourself from going to far? If you're married to a good man, who's being open and honest with you, how do you stop yourself from turning a crazy chick's actions into blame and focus on everything your husband does as somehow being dishonest. "He shouldn't talk to friends at home often because he's homesick." "He shouldn't be online too often." Does that mean the same for you? Do you not speak to friends and family? Do you not use the online function on the computer without a timer set up because of what it "could" convey? I have an example. My husband has a cousin that lives in Missouri. He is married to an American woman who happens to be older and was in an abusive marriage previously. I've spoken to her several times. When Bassi announced our engagement, I became "family". His cousin would call me to see if I needed anything. I thought that was sweet. They're culture is definitely more family oriented in action than ours is. The conversations were generally 10-15 minutes long, if that much. He was basically checking in on me and I think Bassi probably asked him to. During that time, he told her and several times when he called me, he would give her the phone to talk with me as well. And talk about them both coming to visit me in NY and stuff like that. I'd ask her questions about the immigration process, and marrying into the family as a woman and as an american. She always spoke freely to me. I didn't know there was a problem. Until I called one day because Bassi asked me to get his cousin to call him for something, or email him something. Can't remember. I spoke with her and asked her to tell Yussif to call me when he has a chance. She freaked out. Why are you calling my husband? Who the hell do you think you are? Don't call this house again! Called me all kinds of names and accused me of not pleasant things. I was thoroughly confused. I have spoken with her many times, she knows that I'm engaged to his cousin....why the sudden craziness? I obviously don't call the house anymore. Yussif called me and told me to call his cell phone, that she has been upset since he started school about the fact that they have less time together. So he's trying to work things through with her, but wants to be there for family. I told him no. I said, take care of your immediate family and don't worry about me. I've been fine and I will be fine. Yussif had a wife in Ghana that cheated on him and ran away to Togo and left him and their baby girl. He has experienced the pain of a broken relationship. He wants this marriage to work and has left his daughter in Ghana because of it. He's focusing on making the marriage healthy. But this woman is broken and still looking and inventing problems. I don't want to be like that. My ex husband thought he could break me. I remember him telling me that I need to get used to how it is and stop wanting a better life cause I'll always be alone. I cried and cried and then God whispered in that still small voice and told me to look for HIM and he would give me everything I needed and more. I walked away from that relationship broken, but I've healed. It took a long time for me to heal but I'm there. I've moved on. But despite having to call the police on him, having to call large male cousins to get him out of my house, having to change all my personal information cause he started using my identity, having to go into a year of therapy....despite all the drama. I am healed. And I am capable of trusting now. I don't think all men are like him. I don't think all men from Corona, Queens are like him, I don't go into a relationship looking, searching and finally inventing problems. I understand exercising common sense in a relationship and not losing yourself. But I really, truly think that you can go too far in "protecting" yourself. And that doesn't have anything to do with naivete, innocence or the "before glow".	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2007-12-23 09:09:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	I do not think we often hear that sort of advice because they are busy working on their relationship and enjoying the company of there SO. if your SO get to America and he is still all he appeared to be he would be busy taking care of business as he promised or you assumed he would be. When I was in Africa my husband and I used to sit out on the hotel balcony talking over tea and coffee. We spent hours talking at night till we could not take it anymore. Look out when my son was up though, he made sure everything was about him. My Husband was very supportive of the attention Elijah(son) was to have. Elijah is 9 and only experienced me with one other SO. So he is used of his mothers undivided attention. When my husband arrives in America, we will not be on line chatting about how happy we are or how we are succeeding at our obstacles. Maybe once a month to check in to see if anyone else need help. Now that I am almost a VJ expert. I located this site in attempt to learn how my lawyer was messing up. I have met some wonderful people here. I came across a few forums that were all too memorable experiences. I want to keep people informed as people have informed me. If are relationship does not make it through all the obstacles for what ever reason though, I can see myself coming back to inform everyone of the obstacles I encountered. I have to admit a fault i have. It is something I need to work on, but as I look at certain peoples pictures I see in their eyes that this is not real for them. To me I am being judge mental in my thoughts. But boy i can see some peoples happiness shine right through their eyes. You just can't fake a smile like those. I say to myself....Missy that is not God's way. Maybe they are just emotionless people. But I have true joy in my life, before my husband. Now I have someone to share it with. I want that for everyone.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2007-12-20 17:09:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	I thought everyone was posting respectfully. Maybe I need to reread.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2007-12-20 14:39:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	QUOTE (Bassi and Zainab @ Dec 20 2007, 01:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> He's not rich, but he's happy and that's his goal in life. Go figure. Westerners don't know much about that. Money means happiness for most of us. There is no absolute in relationships. Because we bring our own baggage into it. That is so important. Was your SO happy where he was. If he was complaining about his surroundings there, he will complain about his surroundings in the US. One of my favorite quotes from Wayne Dyer. Circumstances do not make a man. They reveal him. QUOTE (Bassi and Zainab @ Dec 20 2007, 01:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Maybe some women aren't building strong healthy relationships. But solid, positive advice is not to plant spying devices, get prenuptial agreements, track your husband or withhold trust. It's to build a strong healthy relationship, focus on God and pray for constant guidance and then step out on faith. If you have to spy on your man, you should get out of the relationship. Not because there is something wrong with him (something is wrong and you do not need to prove it), but you need to look inside as to why you are doing that. I can't say it enough. Trust comes from within. Chances are you instincts are correct, but you have to know you feel that way because something is either wrong with you or him. But trust yourself to know that something is wrong. Do not spend time trying to validate your feelings. I love your young inocent point of view Basi and Zainab. Shall your journey be wonderful and you both overcome all adversities in your marriage. You will be able to maintain that point of view. You can look back on our discussion and believe that we must be mad. *wink. Just because you are young does not mean you are not on your right path. I love your affirmation of your relationship. It took me a few years to realize that not everyone walked around in life doubting people as I had in the past. I now walk in faith that everything put in front of me is god's doing. I feel safe that all experiences I walk into are meant to be good or bad.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2007-12-20 13:54:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	Are you all tired of hearing me?? Nobody quotes me . Is that good or bad? OK I am laughing at myself over here. When my husband's case was prolonged because of my lawyer, I said GOD has more for Pastor Gbenga to do in Nigeria before he graces his presence in America and I need to share more of my past experiences with people on VISAJourney. How come we cant edit our post anymore? I hate to find typos in my post.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2007-12-20 13:03:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	QUOTE (southernchic @ Dec 20 2007, 10:46 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> What you fail to realize is that people marry their husband/wives believing that they are wonderful, awesome and incredible people. If you read the posts in the 'adjusting" section you'll see story after story about how people who are wonderful overseas and come here and cut a natural fool (or were perceived to do so). I'm not saying its all the immigrants fault but obviously there are a lot os USC in states of shock. Some of it may be cultural I don't know. Either way, if you marry someone from a country where they can't come to the US on their own there is a chance that they have ulterior motives. They may be in love, yes, but at the same time they may also see their love as an opportunity for a better life for them and their entire family. It doesn't mean that ALL immigrants but there's a chance. Just like if a rich man marries there's a chance his wife may not be as willing to put up with him as he thought she would be before they got married. Its just human nature. Let's keep it real. I am married and I am current living without trust. It didn't start out that way, For most of the time during my relationship I got to know him and trusted him. And I thought I got what he was about. Once he arrived in the US things changed. Let me be clear. Things changed because my husband thought that I was a God fearing woman who loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him and we'd just be happy. What he didn't realize was the he'd F"D up. And maybe that's where culture comes in because in his country women don't confront their men the way they do here. Maybe in his country men get away with bad behavior. We certainly see it here in the US. So its not a stretch for a man from a male-dominated society to think that he doesn't have to be accountable even when he's wrong. So if you want to know how someone can live without trust there you have it. The reality is that its not the end of the world. Similar things happen between USC. We will all survie. But...the issue is that ending the relationship is little bit harger BECAUSE he's an immigrant. You bring him here and you want to give it time to work. You want to feel as if you've tried to understand his culture versus personality. You realize that he WILL NEVER just leave and return home. You factor in his visa status and his future. You feel guilty asking him to leave. After all that happens, you realize that you don't wanna put up with his bs, his culture or whatever anymore. You just want YOUR LIFE back. Every relationship is different. And I honestly believe that an international relationship COULD work. But as others have said more eloquently than me, do your homework on the front end, spend a lot of time with the SO before he moves here and keep the faith. Exactly!!!! You can fall victim to this even in American as I did with my son's father. They are smarter then ever. They listen to everything you say and adapt their own behavior and wants to yours. You think your on the same journey till they have you in their grips. Then you start seeing the contradictions, but you do not want to believe them, because who would say so much. My son's father is a master at this. Even as I got emotionally and mentally stronger and thought I could deal with him on a parenting level, he would still suck me in. he says all the right things to prepare you for something. before I would know it I had been had again. Just when I thought I had nothing to loose, because we were only being "friends" for the benefit of our son. It was mind blowing how such intelligence could go to waste. When I realized he was doing the same thing to his son, I had to put some breaks on. These type of men seek us out. Whether it is over the Internet or in real life. After every experience whether good or bad,you should look back to see what you have learned from it. If you blame the other person for everything, without gleaming from the experience, you will find another to do the same. I have wasted so much time chatting with men on line from Nigeria, middle east and America. Chatting getting to know each other thinking we were both so compatible. Then when i started questioning what they did that day or what they were doing this weekend, the answers did not add up to who they were trying to portray. For example: I met a man on line from Nigeria living in NY. He was intelligent, hard working, cute, and funny. He was telling me that he had paid someone to marry him, but she is not following through on the paperwork. It was a mutual agreement. She never returned his calls. blah blah blah. He had brothers that he always had to send his money to because they were in college and their family has no money. So he couldn't afford to come visit me. But this was a new me that was not going down this road again. He had played hints that he wanted me to pay for his journey. When I didn't bit, he offered to come visit me. Well I can tell you that although that was a new me, I was still not whole in my spirituality and emotions. Because despite the fact that I knew he was hinting for me to pay, I still let him come. Well we spent hours talking on the phone so things started not to make sense. Like he told me that he used to have really nice clothing when he had this other job. The guy he worked for was receiving money some from some illegal venue and the cops found out and closed his business. Now what man with brothers in college and family without money in Nigeria spends his money on nice clothing and watches going out all the time? There were other things that didn't make sense and I ended our friendship. My Nigerian friend who fixed me up with my husband told me that he was trying to scam me. He probably never was even married he was just trying to convince me that he did not need me for the GC. The healthier I got the less interesting the online conversations were. I have a few real friends that I still chat with, but that was because they were "real" friends. Thats my storry and I am sticking to it. LOL	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2007-12-20 11:23:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	Thank you! Your time will be appreciated and add value to all of our journeys. QUOTE (francis @ Dec 19 2007, 08:43 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Hi Ladies, I enjoyed reading all the things that was posted here. Firstly, let me encourage my sister with the word of God. The bible asked us to bear one another burden. The bible says that whoever that is spiritual let him or her restore the other person in the spirit of meekness. I don't encourage sin. I felt so bad to hear what your husband is doing. I want to encourage you and ask you to take it to God in prayer. Pray and fight for his soul and not only for your marriage. Sometimes we want to see our husband or wife change or try to do it by ourselves. It's only God that can change a person. The parable of the prodigal son will be a good example here. This young man had everything as you all has provided for your husband on their arrival and only to see the dark side of the man. The prodigal son father didn't try to change him but rather he gave him what belongs to him and he wasted it and then he came to his senses. That was God there working in this young man's life at his lowest point. Then when he came home he was already changed by God. The only thing that the father did was to welcome him. Let God change the man's heart then you will see a changed person. There are a lot of temptations here in the States for men. Lets be real. 1. How many marriages are having problems here in the States? 2. What's the rate of international marriage here in the State? 3.Why are some of the ladies turning outside the States for a genuine love and a lasting relationship? I'm really tired now because of my work schedule. I will answer all these questions and I will begin to unmask all the fraud, lies and games in order to come to the States and get Green Card by some African men. Is there any answer to all the difficults in marriage and inter cultural marriage? The answer is yes. God is the answer. I will write soon and help the ladies to check the man that they are trying to bring over here. I'm tired of all this bad stories from my African brothers. I'm an African born and raised in Nigeria. I have lived in almost all the parts or tribes in Nigeria. I understand my people and as a man I will give you ladies the secret keys that unlock a true love and a fake one. I will help some of you ladies to check your hearts, motives and help you come up with a real thing when dealing with any African man. As a disciple of Jesus Christ, it is my responsibility to help you ladies avoid some traps and help those who are in it to overcome every challenges or difficults and hurts. Once again there are real people out there. My wife will never regret getting married to me. I told her the first time that I met her that she is bless. I know my heart and I am 100% committed to my wife, kids and marriage. I put God first in my life and marriage before my wife or any other thing. This is the only key that I will share today. If a man is not 100% committed to God he will not be committed to you either. Keep your eyes out here for my coming post on this site. It's time for a godly man to stand out and defend other people that are real. May you all abide and continue in God's Love Yours in the Lord Blessing Brother Francis	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2007-12-20 10:40:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	QUOTE (BESANGIN @ Dec 19 2007, 08:21 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> $15.00 dollars Plane ticket to Nigeria $1500. Quality hotel in Nigeria $400 -500. BESANGIN experiences priceless!!! Thank you for sharing. Your time and honesty is valued and appreciated.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2007-12-20 09:33:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	I agree to the end of your post. We can never be prepared enough for the differences we are going to encounter once we are in American living together. I have already started making adjustments. When I was in Nigeria, I had a hot roller set that I plugged into an adapter, but did not realize the voltage difference. It started smoking so I unplugged it and through it in the trash. My husband said Honey what are you doing. I will have that fixed for you. I am like no i will just get a new one when I get home. Sure enough he handed it to a friend and asked them to fix it for me. The next day I had my hot rollers back fixed. I was amazed. Just imagine all the stuff we just toss in America that can be easily fixed. I am working on not wasting items and food. WE are both preparing for the adjustment. Him through reading me through practice. WE are both patient people so we will work through our challenges. I am just concerned with women who are having problem with their SO and keep labeling it as cultural differences. I once confused cultural difference with a mental disorder bi-polar. He was Haitian. His mother had an affair and he was born out of this. He was the only dark child in the family. His family and community treated him like a leper. His mother left for the US and left him with an aunt and uncle that abused him physically and emotionally. He did not come to America until he was 24, which was why their was a language barrier. He still could make me laugh even when I was mad. I can look back now and laugh at myself. I was a college graduate with a bachelors degree in Communication. He was severely bipolar. I was with him for two years. I spent 22 months trying to end things with him. Every time i left him his mental stability decayed. He would give out the shirt of his back and treated all with respect. Being the nurturer. I can save the world. LOL In the end I got him disability, housing, medication, and medical treatment. He finally did all this because He though this is what he needed to do to keep me. Once he was safe, secure, and treated I left. He stopped taking his medication shortly after. For a while my friends said that he was spotted wearing this nice suite I had gotten him for my graduation. the pants all frayed at the bottom and suit stained. Boy did I get of track. Thanks for listening. See I just saved $150 in therapy. QUOTE (ZeeNusah @ Dec 18 2007, 10:18 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> A lot of times we write on these boards about the culture shock of the foreign SO coming here and adjusting to American culture but I also think that the USC has to adjust to the culture shock of having their SO here. I think it is so much more than finding an ethnic store in the area for them to shop at.....hmm, maybe I should start a thread We all get so swept up in the fantasy of someone who loves us from half a world away, who we are fighting to get here and once they land on American soil all our problems are going to go away and we will live the American dream. And then they get here and reality hits us like a steamroller. Southernchic, you bring up a good point about trust and culture. IMHO, I don't think that living together for any length of time will fix any issues unless both parties make adjustments to accomodate each other. To me, and I am no expert, the actions of your husband seem to be influenced by his character and his culture. As for the comment about the beating I cannot say that I am surprised, not saying that is is right, but I am not surprised. Unfortunately it is a reaction that is all too common in too many parts of Africa. Boaz, thank you for sharing the tip on not spoiling your SO	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2007-12-20 09:22:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	Here is one of the two emails I had received during a recent controversial post under the wrong original post. Have not heard from the other women, so I will not post her story unless she gives me permission. <Beginning of note> thanks for your post. I wish I had the strength to speak out, but I don't feel good about myself when I just suffer in silence. I am not as brave as IDOCARE, but just wanted to let you know I felt good about your posts. When I was ready to separate from my husband, he claimed he videotaped me in our house, not sure where, and then made copies to distribute to my friends, coworkers and family. He said if I didn't go through with the immigration process he'll send them to the school district where I work. HE HAD HELP FROM AFRICAN FRIENDS WHO LIVE HERE. THEY ALWAYS FIND HELP AND SUPPORT. WE DON'T SUPPORT EACH OTHER THE WAY THE SO GETS HELP. I believe he has my passport, social security card, birth certificate and my naturalization papers. I have no money and my identity is gone too. I won't even go through the health problems I have had on top of that devastation. If he happens to have emotional problems, bi-polar, alcoholism etc. the journey can be a one way ticket to hell and cultural difference won't matter. So just to let you know even though some don't want to hear the truth right now, they'll reflect on it when they sh*** hits the fan. May we all be as brave as you. <end of note> Despite this women's journey she is still among us giving encouragement and support. Yes there is someone else that is still feeling bitterness and might pass it in certain post. But if you are confident in your relationship what she says should not bother anyone. I do not agree with some of her words, but her post makes me feel her pain and I have lots of compassion for her. Once she has healed emotionally she might be able to assist more people constructively. Thank you all for the courage and strength to share your story for the benefit of all. whether it is to realize that you might be making a mistake or if strengthens your appreciation for you current relationship.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2007-12-20 08:18:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Being real about marriage!!!	QUOTE (Omoba @ Dec 18 2007, 12:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> My post was mainly to encourage woman in new relationships to not take mistrust to a level where it interferes with growing together. I pointed out that I was talking about a healthy relationship where no chronic dishonesty has been discovered. I see some people always worry if he is ' in for the green card ' when there are no signs of that, that to me is not healthy. My point is that if someone is not feeling security and trust in their relationship, they should put on their breaks and rethink their embarkment. If there is mistrust, that always start from within. Yes it does show insecurity of who they are and what they stand for in life. If they feel that way, they could be making a major mistake. Even if their assumptions are wrong, they need to look inside themselves to figure out why they feel this way. No one should go into a relationship with mistrust. So if you are feeling that way do not go further until you do not. Anytime you doubt anything in your life you are doubting yourself and/or GOD. Intuition is to often overlooked until it is too late. How many women follow their intuition, then say wow I should not have listen to my inner-self screaming at me. Confident god fearing women listen to their intuition. I am thank full for everyone sharing the bad and the god. I have been wanting to restart this post that was combined with an original post that had nothing to do with the topic it had become. I do not think anyone should make assumptions about other peoples experiences. I do think they should share their story that might help another person. Their was many people saying how did this topic become a Nigerian bashing post. We needed to realize that we were in a Nigerian portal, but this goes on under all countries portals. The man/woman is who they are no matter which country they are from. The relationship is what it would be had you stayed in their country or both moved to different countries. No matter where you go there you are! I can't remember who I am quoting. but it is all so true. I value anyones opinions, if they come from love, compassion, and respect for humanity. You know I even welcome the unhealthy ones to realize how much I have grown through the years emotionally and spiritually. Everyone is inthis world for a reason. We have to experience what we do to grow in life. IF we did nto have the downs, how would we have the ups? The only mistrust you should have in a relationship is that your worried your husband or so is spending too much on your Christmas gift. *wink I have a story I was told during a prior post that was confidentially share with me. She has allowed me to share it with you all anonymously in hopes it might stop someone with doubt make that same decision. Soon to come.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2007-12-20 08:04:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	passed interview (I think)	What relief. I am so happy he came out iwth good news after all that torture.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-11-16 17:22:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	passed interview (I think)	When you are in AP in Nigeria, you are usualy in AP for documentation verfication. Check to see if they can discover if you were married or not. They usually do a home visit, questions neighbors, and relatives. They have taken peoples passport and then called them back to come get it, because additonal processing is needed.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-11-16 13:57:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	passed interview (I think)	The first thing that comes to my mind when reading is AP. I have never heard of this situation in NIgeria. I have heard of it in other common AP regions though. Sorry for your delay.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-11-13 15:11:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Re-Interview	So sorry to hear your bad news. I know your heart ached with dissapointment. God is working in your favor always and in his time. Stay blessed.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-11-10 20:48:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Re-Interview	God will give you favor.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-10-27 05:19:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sorry I could not resist	I found this youtube video on my friend's daughters facebook page. He mother married a man from Africa who was on a visitor visa. After his two years were up he lft her. Her comment on the video said: "this is my family". Sad is that my son might now think that some day, because of how my husband left things.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-11-17 05:56:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	VISA APPROVED and RECEIVED	Congratultions.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-11-19 07:18:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	October/November 2009 Approvals - Lagos, Nigeria	Hello HUm, Congratulations are in order. Just so you know it is difficult to get a specific thread going in the Sub-sahran. The numbers of particpants just do not support a thread with specific months. Good luck. Upcoming Interviews in Nigeria: Jo & Lex 2009-11-19 - K1 Visa Arize & Amaka 2009-11-24 - K1 Visa Lisa & UD 2009-12-03 - K1 Visa bolaji & oyindamola 2009-12-04 - K1 Visa Erica & Kingsley 2009-12-08 - IR-1/CR-1 Visa Recent Interviews: Rebecca & Nnamdi 2009-11-13 - K1 Visa Nina & Oluwafemi 2009-11-12 - K1 Visa Marie & Ozzi 2009-11-09 - K3 Visa M & D 2009-11-06 - IR-1/CR-1 Visa Scholastica & Evans 2009-11-04 - K1 Visa Edited by Enlighten one :), 18 November 2009 - 07:15 AM.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-11-18 07:13:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Question	It is really hard because it could be a problem with one person and not with another. On monday it might be a problem but if it is monday after a cup of coffee it might be ok. Safe then sorry? Do not toss your old passport out if you did get a new one.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-12-08 14:46:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	3 days to my visa interview in lagos	You will have God's favor.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-12-12 05:58:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Hubby approved after 2nd interview of 8 days of AP!!	Thats wonderful news. Glad your struggles are over.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-12-31 05:36:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Text Messages	I have told woman on here in the past...about a year ago. That many men who meet woman do it through other men chatting with them in the cyber cafe. They will send messages for them just to keep the woman interested. This is an all days job chatting with different woman online. I will look into the textmessaging thing. That is interesting, since I thought it was cheap for them to text message back and fourth. They sign up for one dating site acount and meet a dozen women then they cell these woman's information to men who can't afford to chat. For a fee. If things work out and they make it to america..they have to send even more moeny to them back home. Some woman get used for money and some get used for marriage. All what the con person figures they can get form them.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2010-01-09 06:24:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Is AP nearing completion?	Thanks Deb that was before my husband revealed his true self. Now I am enlightened. Read my story sometime. The Christian Con man.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2010-01-11 19:48:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Is AP nearing completion?	I'ts real difficlu to average AP. Not enough information. That is what it was for me and a friend here on VJ. Take a month to rap things up. Then they call for the appointemtn which is a month away. Maybe 6-7 weeks give or take. Can't be more specific. We both wre for CR1. Hi...thanks for replying....he didn't have the home interview yet...I think that's what they are planning to do now and that's why they're asking him to supply all that info. But what concerns me is what you said. 2 months??? I've heard that it's more like a couple of weeks between the home visit and the time they call you back for a follow-up interview. Was your experience 2 months or is that the average that you've heard? This is for a K1 Visa...	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2010-01-10 19:14:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Is AP nearing completion?	Hello Deb, Did you have he have a home interview yet? It usually take about two monts form home visit to interview 2.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2010-01-08 15:29:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Lagos Delay: 221(g)	221g is a good thing in Nigeria at this point. Because of the high number of fraudulent marriages they are doing more homework at the embassy level. This is way better then a straight out denial. 221g is becoming more common and really is just another part of the process. 221g means that you passed the interview but there are areas they want to further investigate. Check out the AP tracker thread. Congressman and woman can not do anything to speed up AP.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2010-02-18 05:53:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	God is sooooooooo Good	That is great news. He can work things to your favor!	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2010-02-22 14:59:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	The saddest day of my life!!!	I am so sorry for your pain. I do not think that is a valid reason for denial. They must ahve several reason, because I never met my SO's parents and he never met mine. We met through a mutual friend as I believe you did. Does your SO's parents live in the same town? That would be definatly a red flag. My SO's family did not live in travel distance and are extreemly ederly. Although with his intenions I was not going to meet them anywho.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2009-12-30 12:02:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Visa denied	We have to accept that there is a chance you can get used for the GC. As I did. So that is good momov. but boy when a man calls the cops on you when you are not home to prove you are crazy and they need your help to therir stuff out of the hourse despite the fact two weeks ago you told them they could leave. ..that is just something more then accepting you helped someone better themselfs at your expense. But I never once seen someone come out of a denial and say.....hhhhmmmmm I wonder what they noticed that I didn't see. Its always taken at face value that the immigration interviewer were wrong. No one says thank God she stopped him. LOL There is a mind set that is formed and can be betrayed as cultural because of its prevelance in such a highly populated area that you have to do what you need to do to get by. Not everyone lives by that moto, but it has become prevelant through process. You are warned by other Nigerian when you are visisting about other Nigerians. I was told to watch my pocket book while I was at church. When peopel visit America...American don't say watch out for those people in church they will rob your pocket book. I am so sorry for your dissapointment.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2010-01-11 19:46:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Lagos Nigeria Experts	Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2010-05-14 08:43:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Lagos Nigeria Experts	Someone once quoted the law which states a marriage has to be announced and posted for a certain period of time. Can anyone direct me to the an official posting of this law?	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2010-05-14 07:22:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	It's been a while	You post with more then just a purpose of clearning Victor's name. I think some of the comments you made are meant to hurt and where purposely placed. What ever your purpose she has a right to voice her opinion. I am sure she has the police record of when you called the cops on her as I do have mine. This is a tactic used to proved self petition or VAWA. This is common place and he used that. This man is a true christian he would have never divorced her he would have worked things out. Idocre's purpose is to help other woman who are being scammed and lied to.	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2010-05-27 06:26:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	It's been a while	Linguere, I missed your story. Thanks for sharing. I had shared the same story of sitting in Cafe's before I read your story. My husband had hand written items of what he would say to me in the cafe. I believe he was giving them to men in the cafe to email to me. Well, I haven't logged on in a long while, and today I found myself lurking over here for a brief moment. I actually have my first day of rest in almost a year and a half, and so I thought it would be interesting to check and see what's going on these days. Idocare, I remember your story (your have persevered!) and how everyone used to attack you for speaking the truth. I do think that most people do not come back and share their stories, or they do so in the other forums. The reality is, and anyone who has ever spent considerable time in a so-called third world country will testify to this, that most people have NO IDEA what lengths people will go to to romance someone in Europe or America. The chat rooms are full of men doing just that...some even pay others to sit in the internet cafe all day to nurture that relationship. I have to say that I knew my husband's culture very well. I met him in his country. I spent time with his family, his friends...he was well-known in his country. Even if the family is good (and not in on the scam), it doesn't really help you because culturally, no one will come forward and say this guy is bad. It just rarely happens. People say they are good,even when they are suffering. I speak my husband's language well enough to navigate the country on my own. I was arrogant and thought that I couldn't get cheated because I have been around Senegalese people for decades. I think I am more assimilated into Senegalese culture than my husband is. At the end of the day, the immigration process doesn't allow us to really know them well enough to see many things prior to signing our lives away on the AOS. It's kind of a gamble (as is any relationship) of the highest degree. I don't think books or even knowing or reading about the culture will help you to see the scandals that may await you. People can pretend so well that you won't suspect a thing. For me personally, I am still unsure if I was used solely for a GC. I think my husband is not a good guy and has never had a responsible day in his life. He is a liar and a cheater. That has nothing to do with me. I was, however, used, while he had at least one relationship going (and many more conversations) since our child was a few months old. The conversations with other women took place a couple of weeks after that I know about, but I'm quite sure that he was cheating on me the entire time that I have known him. What is certain is that he had a plan. I don't know how many people knew what he was planning and he played his part well enough to fool every single person in my life. I think the best advice I can offer is to always ask yourself if you would date this person if they were in the U.S. and ask yourself if you would marry the person in the U.S. having known the person for the same amount of time/contact. Men can fool us anywhere, but for a person abroad, there is much more at stake than a relationship. I can be a future for their entire family. Most people you meet on the streets abroad don't have any real knowledge of life in the U.S. They think it is as they see it in movies. They think marriage to a U.S. citizen is a ticket to an easy life. If you are easy on the eyes, well, then even better! Certainly, having children with you makes for good evidence. My own husband was about to be denied his visa until they saw the ultrasound report of my pregnancy. If we keep those things in mind, we can make better decisions. Relationships will always be a gamble. This one, though, can be very, very costly to the USC once they have signed the AOS. THat's 10 years or MORE and divorce does not free you. I never thought that I would marry someone abroad (because of what I have seen both in Africa and here [greencard marriages in the states too!] ), but I did. Personally, I would never do it again. After this monster that I married, I'm pretty sure that I won't marry again at all. Having to deal with him for the rest of my life is painful punishment enough. That said, I'm sure that there are numerous happy endings. When I say happy endings, I mean 3-6 years out of the process. I think having a good understanding of the difficult adjustment process is also helpful. THe vets like Taurean are great about that. I think that we should celebrate the happiness!!! God knows we all put so much time and energy into the process. Let us be happy for those that are happy. Let us also tell the truth. Everyone has a right to share their story. Idocare, hugs to little Victor. Blessings to everyone on their journey!	Enlighten one :)	Female	Nigeria	2010-05-26 08:21:00