Forum	Title	Content	Member	Sex	Country	Date/Time
Canada	Dreaded MIL visit..	Gawd - I feel your pain, though I can't imagine how bad it'd be to have her visit for THAT long - damn!!! I always tolerated my MIL, even after her first visit here after hubby had emigrated. I was ready to strangle her at times, but she didn't tell us how to live our lives or whatever, so I grinned and bore it for two weeks. This last visit, however - 6 weeks after we had our daughter - was a game changer. She basically told us that EVERYthing we did with our daughter was wrong - from rocking her to sleep to her getting the hiccups a lot (like we can control that!!). She and hubby had a SCREAMING match the second night of her visit about all her negativity and nagging. He told her to shut up about it and start being HELPFUL, or get on the next flight home. She didn't really say much after that, but I guess she thought we couldn't see the looks on her face, or hear her sighs when she disapproved (which was all the time). I have no desire to ever speak to her again on a meaningful level. I will always be kind and civil, but that's as far as I can go. Hubby actually told me he doesn't know how I could ever stand to speak to her again after how she acted, so he does understand. But I will always try to be the bigger person for his sake. He doesn't deserve to see us fighting like cats and dogs, so I'll keep my head about me at all times going forward. If she does visit again, I will dread every second of it, but will rise above it for hubby. Maybe I'll just have to work a lot. I know people (Lisa included!) who love their MILs and have really close relationships with them. I have to say I'm kind of sad that I don't have that kind of relationship with mine. I would love to. What a stressful time for you that was...new baby AND crazy MIL. Thank God she's an ocean away But I am very thankful for my MIL now. She makes my heart happy...I can call her up at anytime and just shoot the sh!t with her, and vice versa. I'm not at all trying to brag, or rub salt in any wounds...I am actually just in disbelief that they are so awesome and I am this lucky. I know how you feel, Tracy - but I loathed my MIL with all my heart, and her treatment of me wasn't just some bossy boots I-know_better, but it was more like a 'I don't like you, and I'm going to make your life a misery, I'm going to interpret every single good thing you do for me as a personal insult and I'm going to tell everyone about it too' It was such a source of pain for me, because all I wanted was a happy existence with my family. When the light of my life - my beloved grandmother - passed away quite surprisingly, my MIL didn't even call me...She lived 2 or 3 minutes from my house, and didn't stop by, no phone call, nothing to say 'I'm so sorry you're going through this'. Sure, we had gotten into the argument previously, but when someone suffers a loss like that, you should put all pettiness aside. That was in July, in December I was pretty much falling apart with grief over my grandmother still. She was an active participant in my life, and I regard her more as another mother than just some grandma you see once a year. Anyways, It was coming up to the first Christmas without her...my parents and I were just devastated. My parents' friends had invited all four of us up to Orlando for Christmas. My mom politely declined...but I said 'no, you have to go..and you have to go without me' My mom was like 'absolutely not, we need to be with each other'. I told her they had to leave, because I had to know where my marriage stood. My husband, beginning of December, was like 'what's the deal for Christmas?' I knew if my parents were in town, he would have happily just deposited me there and gone to his family for a few hours. I wanted the normalcy of a husband and wife sharing the hols together. So I told him my parents were going out of town, thus rendering me plan-less. He was like 'my parents invited me for dinner' and I was like 'I'm not going there'...he responded 'oh that's ok, you weren't invited anyways...in fact, my mom specifically told me that you weren't welcome' Anyways, I told him to go where he felt he belonged, and him being the child that always strived for their attn, went to his parents' for Christmas Eve. To an Italian, Christmas Eve is almost the bigger of the two days. I came home from work CE and stood with my key in the door praying that he would be there. I opened the door and the house was empty and dark. I literally walked in and called my lawyer. I put on a happy voice for my mom on the phone, cos she was already going thru her trauma of losing her mother, so I was all happy and said 'oh I'm eating at Jill's (my bff)...but I didn't. I didn't tell any of my friends, because I was too ashamed. Then I went to church alone, and literally drove around for hours in the dark, listening to Christmas music on the radio and crying my eyes out. Of course, afterwards, he was all apologetic, he made the wrong choice, blah blah blah...but at the end of the day, you leave your wife, who's at this point just growing back her hair from brain surgery, still walking with a cane, one who just lost one of the most important people in her life, who had never spent a holiday away from family, and you leave her alone? And your mother specifically says 'she's not welcome' and you don't tell her to gfh? He supposedly learned his lesson. I don't really blame him cos he had a good heart, he was just very conflicted with needing acceptance from family. But I cannot believe a mother would put her son in that position, or even be so cruel to anyone, let alone a DIL. My ex had a hard time accepting the divorce, and fought it for a year and a half, wanted counseling, he'd come by my house and cry and literally sleep on my porch begging me to let him in, etc. All I said to him was 'you cannot teach a man that his place is with his wife' And I've never looked back since. I really should send his parents a Christmas card and tell them what an awesomely profound effect they had in my life, and how their heartlessness prompted me to find the happiness I truly wanted. When I went to meet them for the first time, they sent me a plane ticket to come share 2 weeks at their house for Christmas. I was fully prepared that if they were maniacs, I was gonna buy my own ticket home and leave, quite possibly dumping my then boyfriend if he even showed one inkling of being meek. But it was awesome! After they met me, his mother offered my now husband her engagement ring! What an honor!!! I pinch myself to think of the wonderful family I have married into, and calling his mother on the phone just to say hi, or when she writes an email and signs it 'I love you, love mom' or when she's on the phone with my husband and says 'give Lisa a kiss and a hug for me', I just am so thankful I wanna cry. My problem though was not just a horrible manson like MIL, but it was a meek and timid husband who didn't have the balls to stand up for me. I'm not trying to suggest that any of your marriages are doomed, mine was because of my ex and his lameness in standing up for me, the mother? we could have moved away from her /overshare Sorry for the long post and the overshare Edited by Lisa C, 10 December 2010 - 02:23 PM.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-12-10 14:21:00
Canada	Dreaded MIL visit..	It's so hard when you see new parents and want to offer some hints and tips. It's very easy to cause hurt and resentment. Sometimes the one trying to help doesn't go about it the right way, and sometimes the new parents can be overly sensitive and not see the good intent behind the suggestions because they read it as being told they're incompetent. But I can certainly see getting upset if they're going to be a ###### about it. lol LOL. Thanks. That saves me from asking how it turned out. LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL Heh, that was bad wording on my part...I had JUST survived my ordeal at the time I decided 'fuque it, it's not worth it'	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-12-10 13:50:00
Canada	Dreaded MIL visit..	My ex-MIL was quite possibly the worst human being on the planet. Not only was she nasty, she was just downright mean and cruel. I was quite young, so I took it, turned the other cheek, etc. Did that for YEARS, My exhusband was a nice guy, but quite meek only when it came to his family...he had his own issues with them. So he never really 'stood up' for me so to speak, we'd kinda just try to ignore it, not create waves, etc. As I matured into a woman, I decided I wasn't going to take it anymore, and I essentially blew up at her one day. Straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. We had a good argument where I spoke my mind, and finally put her in her place. She was stunned, It was actually the last time I spoke with her...I wound up leaving my ex about 8 mos later, actually due to a series of bad events in my life (my grandmother died, I went thru a life-threatening illness and obviously survived...I wound up just thinking 'nah I'm not doing this for the rest of my life') Anyways, I left and never looked back. My now MIL is the best MIL I could ever ask for and I am actually sad that we can't share Christmas with them (they live in Seattle). But the reason for my post is to impart one piece of advice: I know you don't want to make waves, but you are a grown woman, and you shouldn't just sit quiet while she disrespects you. You can be firm but nice about it...because if you keep it all in, at one point, you are going to explode from the frustration. You could say something like 'you are family, and I love and respect you, and want nothing more than to get along with you, but you need to show me more respect - especially in my home.' Don't just sit there and eat it all...it'll eat you up and ruin your holiday. Good luck!	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-12-10 07:59:00
Canada	Girlfriend denied at POE. Canada to US	OP, have you met in person yet? If so, I'd contemplate just filing the K-1 if that's what you were going to do anyway. If you want to get married in Canada and pursue a CR-1, then perhaps a trip for you to go there in in order. Or, maybe a trip for you to go there is in order anyway. It would certainly seem like the 'safer bet' imo. It's going to be a gamble buying her another ticket, and no one here can give you any sort of guarantee. The biggest thing when visiting on the VWP is 'proof of onward passage', which, as you know by now, is where you two mucked up in the first place. A bit of friendly advice: before you proceed with any visa, please familiarize yourself with the process, so a small oversight like this one won't jump in the way of your process. Knowledge is power.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-02-13 10:09:00
Canada	We decided to buy a house	http://www.visajourn...super-fun-time/ There's a lot of good information in that thread. I don't wanna repeat myself, so I'd say that thread is a great place for info. Congrats!	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-03-17 09:08:00
Removing Conditions on Residency General Discussion	So which picture do they REALLY use?	It was the one I had submitted on my card too, but also a year ago Bob, don't you mean they put "your wife's" picture on there? As she is the GC holder, not you as the petitioner. Do they put the petitioner's picture on the GC too? We are not that far yet, so I really don't know. Tmma, come on hon...you know who Bobkatz really is....there are holes all over 'his' story Bob doesn't seem to remember if he's the petitoner or beneficiary. B&K had 'a row' Bob supposedly got his greencard 'last year' (read above) but the timeline says 2003 but the FUNNIEST bit of all is that someone apparantly overlooked that there's Washington DC and Washington state.....DC would file in Vermont...not Nebraska where Bob or his missus supposedly filed...and His local time on here is set to Central time which neither covers DC time (Eastern) nor Washington State (Pacific) time...but it DOES cover Oklahoma Interesting!	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2006-08-19 22:08:00
Removing Conditions on Residency General Discussion	Death of USC spouse...I'm lost	I have no expertise or concrete knowledge in what you're asking, but I'm sure someone will come along soon to help you. I just wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-03-27 10:07:00
Philippines	My life is over....	Remove the whole 'green card' from the situation, and as yourself what would you do otherwise? Homesickness is NO excuse for physical violence. If you want to try to save your marriage, I think the best bet is to have her move out. See a counselor. Whatever. But you two (imo) cannot continue to live in the same house where there's such a great probability of the violence escalating. What you've described seems outright ludicrous and obscene. My heart goes out to you. At the very least, a separation is in order. I understand you love her, but love yourself enough to protect yourself.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-03-27 09:38:00
Philippines	to all of you with facebook accounts	Lay the smack down and tell her how it is.............. What's that mean? I think sometimes ppl take security concerns too seriously....no one's asking for your ss#....if it bothers you that you don't like how you look in the pictures, perhaps just a picture of your wife, since she doesn't have an issue with posting photos?	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-06-06 06:12:00
Philippines	Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice	OP, I'm going to keep you in my prayers, and I do hope you keep us posted as to how your life is going. While I'm sure you are absolutely gutted right now, keep the faith that you will survive this, you didn't deserve it, and you will eventually be happier because you are keeping a high standard of what you deserve, and knowing what you won't tolerate. That is to be commended...many would turn a blind eye, out of fear of being alone. I was in a relationship that I thought was great...for 8 years. Most of it was not long distance. Right before the visa interview, it fell apart, and I was devastated. I too, was placed in a situation where I had to recognize in my heart that I was worth more than what I was getting. Long story short, I called it off, and it was terribly difficult for quite some time. But I prayed, and healed. And now I'm a much happier person, married to a man that's so wonderful that I pinch myself every morning because I can't believe how lucky I am, and now we have a beautiful son. And I'm happier now than I ever have been in my life. I'm not promoting the idea of running out and finding someone now...but if you just take the time to heal, the rest will sort itself. You've already shown the courage of conviction, and that is something to be so proud of. I wish you the best of luck, and will keep you in my prayers. Setting up some rules of communication consistent with normal life from about 1995 and prior is the same as prison? Up until the last 10-12 years approximately, most homes in the US did not have have computers. Cell phones and texting are even more recent in terms of proliferation. I strongly suspect, but can't verify on my own, that phone calls from the US to the Philippines were very, very expensive until recent years, which would mean they would not happen often. Not having daily access to these things, just as people lived for a very very long time, is not prison. She was essentially using the computer to cheat on him, it's not really an unreasonable thing to remove that possibility for a while if they had tried to reconcile legitimately. Millions of people immigrated to this country before computers, cell phones, internet, texting, etc, and did just fine, often without speaking more than a few words of English. I'd submit that his marriage may even have had a much better chance if none of those technologies were involved. (if it somehow wasn't doomed from the start, which it seems to have been) My suggestion about money was merely to protect his savings, etc, from a "spouse" who may suddenly have motivation to take all of it and run away. I wouldn't have meant that he should completely remove her ability to have any money at all. It was normal life at one point to poop in a bucket, what's that got to do with today? Nothing. Limit? yes. Sever? NO. Your words...sever. Sever contact with the PI, DISABLE the computer. And this is your advice for reconciliation!?! While my heart breaks for the OP because what this person did to him was deplorable, no one should be controlled like that, and your very advice would have actually supported a VAWA claim against him. Please be more mindful of that next time you dole out advice for possible marriage reconciliations. I am quite blown away at your thinking here, and I pray for your wife's sake that she never finds herself on the wrong side of you. But I've said my peace now so let's agree to disagree.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-11-23 01:27:00
Philippines	Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice	OP I'm very sorry you've gone through this. But I would strongly advise to contact the proper authorities. Best of luck to you. ___________ I commented on this once before in this thread, but I'd like to add a bit for the benefit of VJ: While I have stated support for and still do support forgiveness and even reconciliation, you still have to be extremely careful. It seems you're doing that. But if you continue to consider reconciliation, you'll have to use a level of caution that might be beyond your (and most folks') capability. Since you are often at work, you won't have the ability to monitor her behavior. I'd say she could do without any contact with the Philippines for a good long time. Not as punishment, but as precaution. It could be hard to do that since you're not home though. You could make sure she doesn't have direct access to the money, and sever her ability to call and text overseas as well. Disable the computer when you're not home (BIOS password). Even with all that, you'll have to take quite a leap of faith in trusting her again. As somebody else said, go forward with reporting everything, because it's very possible it's still all a scam. If you report things now, it helps prevent a VAWA problem if she goes that route. I have been blown away ever since reading this...I've never 'met' anyone irl or on here, who would legitimately have this method of thinking to pretty much take his wife a prisoner as a means of reconciliation. The situation you described above is the very scenario which would QUALIFY her for a VAWA claim. I'm highlighting this again to let other people reading this thread, who MIGHT take your advice, that this is not the way to go...not morally, or even legally wrt VAWA. This advice, however well intentioned, is BAD BAD BAD. Think about it...if you have to sever her contact with her homeland, sever her contact with money, disable the computer...is that a wife, or a dog being punished? If anyone needs to do any of those things above, the marriage is TOAST. And doing all those things to a new immigrant who may or may not have command of the English language is just deplorable, it's forcing her to be wholly dependent on her husband with no other options - and the very reason why VAWA was created. I suggest no one with marital problems on the brink of divorce try your method of 'rebuilding'. Again, I realize OP has made his decision, but for everyone else contemplating this...DON'T DO IT. Edited by Lisa C, 22 November 2010 - 08:02 AM.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-11-22 07:59:00
Philippines	Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice	I'm calling baiting on this. Everyone gets bad breath and puts their pants on one leg at a time....Ya might as well say, "So your S*** doesn't stink, either?" Baiting? Absolutely not...I am baffled by the notion that that poster has said only unhygienic people get bad breath, and I'm trying to get clarification. Certainly not combative as your above example implies. Is it the most relevant post of the thread? Of course not. But it does amuse me. *shrug* Edited by Lisa C, 18 November 2010 - 10:11 PM.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-11-18 22:11:00
Philippines	Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice	people with condition called halitosis You've never once had bad breath?	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-11-18 21:52:00
Philippines	Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice	uhm excuse me, I disagree. you can love a person no mattter what yes, but BAD BREATH?! seriously? Thats why there's the word HYGIENE. And if you do love the person you should be health conscious. brush, wash and bathe. Only unhygienic people have bad breath?	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-11-18 21:25:00
Philippines	Heartbroken and deceived---need help/advice	While I have stated support for and still do support forgiveness and even reconciliation, you still have to be extremely careful. It seems you're doing that. But if you continue to consider reconciliation, you'll have to use a level of caution that might be beyond your (and most folks') capability. Since you are often at work, you won't have the ability to monitor her behavior. I'd say she could do without any contact with the Philippines for a good long time. Not as punishment, but as precaution. It could be hard to do that since you're not home though. You could make sure she doesn't have direct access to the money, and sever her ability to call and text overseas as well. Disable the computer when you're not home (BIOS password). Even with all that, you'll have to take quite a leap of faith in trusting her again. That's not forgiveness...that's taking a prisoner. OP you need to cut your losses and send her home..	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-11-17 21:55:00
Philippines	Married Filipinos who send money to family back in Philippines	To anyone interested, I have since broke off my engagement with her. Now I live in on-campus housing (well starting in Jan. I move on campus). We are selling our house and we will split the equity. My life is significantly better without the stress of parents extorting money from us. I am thankful we didn't actually get married, that would have been a diaster. Her parents were using the money we would send to buy cigarettes, alcohol, gamble, fancy dinners as well as giving it to other family members. We found this out from other people that live in that city. When they found out we were selling our house and had split up, they asked if they could have $10,000 (US dollars) for medical bills and medications that they said they had acquired....LOL.....I was crying from laughing so hard. I learned my lesson, stay away from Filipinos. They are bred to do one thing, get as much money as possible without working for it. To be fair, she was working and sending the money she earned over there. And she was sending it well before she met you. You bash Filipinos in one breath, yet the image of your ex fiancee - a hardworking career minded responsible woman who sends an exceptionally large amt of money home - do not jive with one another. I understand that marriage is 50/50 and while you going to med school was a choice you both made wrt to household finances, it's really unfortunate that you're just genuinely pissed off that she didn't support YOU. Edited by Lisa C, 13 December 2010 - 01:05 PM.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2010-12-13 13:04:00
Philippines	Men Your Thoughts On Filipina	Charles, Having no respect for women like he has displayed IS ugly. Not an attack, it's the truth. Edited by Lisa C, 16 March 2011 - 07:47 AM.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-03-16 07:47:00
Philippines	Men Your Thoughts On Filipina	Why is always the girl coming to USA. It's a much better deal for the USC especially a Man to go to Philippines and live. It's a man's world over there. Woman work and men hang out and drink and chill out. Divorce is Illegal, A man can have as many girlfriends as he wants in Philippines and can get as many girls pregnant he wants since there is no such thing as child support. Being a Man in Philippines is the way to go, the Man Run the Show over there, and the woman obeys his rules.......... this has to be a joke?	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-03-15 08:16:00
Philippines	Men Your Thoughts On Filipina	My apologies if I offended in saying "my filipina" and "my pinay" in my post. This is an affectionate term that Annabelle actually started. She calls me always "her Kano" so it was natural to call her "my pinay" or more frequently "my sweet pinay". It was not intended to belittle or minimize the formidable Filipino woman who I have the deepest respect for. Not only Annabelle, but the many pinay I have met in my travels with my future wife. In fact, the intent of my original post was to illustrate to the original poster that it is not fair to group all filipinas into one blanket statement because like everywhere else, each is an individual and unique. You are awesome. Our points are the same! I think intent has a lot to do with it, and yours is quite sweet.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-03-14 17:59:00
Philippines	Men Your Thoughts On Filipina	Creeps you out! Wow you need your own talk show with that one. Don't turn my post into your version of negativity. That is what's wrong with the world too ultra sensitive. Yes, it creeps me out. I find it disparaging to the very women you love. It's disrespectful. What actually creeps me out is the inability to comprehend why. And no matter how many times this is brought up, no matter how succinctly you put it, no matter how many times one can repeat oneself in explaining why, it will always be met with things like : Maybe she's just jealous because we speak so highly of our filipinas. -James Tell me why you think I'm jealous. Come on then, enlighten everyone. edit to fix tags Edited by Lisa C, 13 March 2011 - 12:42 PM.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-03-13 12:41:00
Philippines	Men Your Thoughts On Filipina	Respect. You dig? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7fsM9q27sc they no dig.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-03-12 22:54:00
Philippines	Men Your Thoughts On Filipina	You are just bored because only spammers are posting over at Expats. Even if that were true, that's relevant why?	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-03-12 17:45:00
Philippines	Men Your Thoughts On Filipina	Check out the RUB forum. At least the Pinay get some respect. That's some funny justifications you've got going on. 'Hey, we're not as bad as that guy...at least I give SOME respect' tsk	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-03-12 17:37:00
Philippines	Men Your Thoughts On Filipina	Maybe she's just jealous because we speak so highly of our filipinas. -James That's not even logical...why wouldn't I expect you speak highly of your fiancee? What an odd thing to presume. I doubt it is jealousy that's making her cringe. My wife stated / posed in an earlier post. How would an American feel about being referred to as ..."my American". Asawa ko and I recognize the phrase, "my Filipina" , is probably being used as a term of endearment. (but) Ask yourself the q....if you were being referred to as "my American"...that's OK with you? I'm sure it would be OK with me as long as used with appropriate connotation and as a term of endearment. (but) Should it be OK? (another but) Giving a nod to the gentler sex, and recognizing the historical victimization of women being treated as property, objectified and subordinate to men.... I wonder if there is not some (albeit diluted) version of this victimization when referring to a woman with a cultural label. Couldn't this also be a way of objectifying a woman and at the same time...a little bit of racism mixed in the drink? Michael I agree with you, but it's not the 'my Filipina' that I think is cringe worthy. The statement was 'the filipina was loyal and blah blah blah' as if talking about them as if they are a breed, and not individuals. (I'm sure some are, some aren't. but that's by the by) You can't paint a whole country's women as if they are one homogenized entity. Where is the acknowledgment of individuality? Didn't all of these men fall in love with ONE specific person, and isn't that woman unique in her own way somehow? 'the Filipina' sounds like you're picking out which type of dog to buy. Women deserve better respect than that. Edited by Lisa C, 12 March 2011 - 05:34 PM.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-03-12 17:33:00
Philippines	Men Your Thoughts On Filipina	Proud to be a Filipino citizen. Wouldn't want to be anyone else. I also have the greatest respect for our fellow Pinays who work menial jobs abroad. But sad to say, the term "Filipina" has also been freighted, as a result, with certain inaccurate generalizations, sometimes extending to how some people see our women as potential life partners. It wasn't too long ago when a certain English dictionary was using "Filipina" as a synonym for,guess what, household help. I'm saying all these by way of information, not to cry racial slur. Just to let you know there are Filipinos like me who might feel extra-sensitive about these things. I've no issue whatsoever if your wife or fiancee doesn't mind or is even flattered being "someone's Filipina." Grace No offense taken I found the term 'the Filipina' cringeworthy because of the 'the'. Speaking about a whole race of females' homogenous, interchangeable characteristics just creeps me out	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-03-11 21:44:00
Philippines	Men Your Thoughts On Filipina	I heard such great things about the filipina being loyal, caring, loving and great partners Thom, Are you at all aware of the fact that the way you speak of these women sound as if you're referring to a breed of dog? 'the fillipina' - ick women are individuals.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-03-11 18:35:00
Philippines	am I cheap?	Even the panties at VS are not $35 a pop. You're being played.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-05-02 12:31:00
Philippines	am I cheap?	No, I was referring to his defense against her actions. It's a syndrome where you take the side of the erring person and defend them. But I'm well aware of that lambing and tampo. I do that sometimes No, it's not stockholm syndrome, it's loneliness.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-05-02 08:08:00
Philippines	Filipina wife issues....advice please...	I really suggest this post be closed. The originator has received many replies with great advice. Seems as if he thinks is he does what is correct...he can find no other girl and is afraid to let go of a bad situation. How many times does a person have to be bitten by a dog before they get away and stay away from the dog?? Seriously, what is wrong with you???? You disrespect his wife, the mother of his child by comparing her to a dog? It's their issue, not yours...and you should control your tongue better next time. Scott, glad it worked out...also, thank you very much for your service.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-05-29 14:10:00
Philippines	Our son is one year old today	Congrats OP & happy belated bday to your son! I totally feel you....my husband and I have a 10 month old boy. 5 years ago, I would have never thought I'd be where I am today. God is great, isn't He?!	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-07-17 10:29:00
Philippines	What did I do wrong?	Arrta, do you see a bigger picture than just this isolated fight? eta: I read your post pre-edit Edited by Anita Cocktail, 19 July 2011 - 08:30 PM.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-07-19 20:30:00
Philippines	What did I do wrong?	I hvae been around the philippines culture for over 20+ years, plus others. I work in computers as an international team lead. I spent many years studying other cultures so I would know how best to motivate people without insulting them. ok the property statement. You need to research and understand the word for love in Tagalog. This is "mahal" "Mahal" refers to expensive. this word is not only used for saying Love, but also in bartering, and trying to get the price down on an item. It has many meanings in the tagalog language. when you say "mahal kita" or "mahal na mahal kita" You are literally saying you are the most expensive item to me. You are the most dear item I have. You are showing you love family or people OVER items. there are also other words for love. But "mahal" is the most used. Other words are reserved for engaged or married couples. In tagalog saying you are someone's property is NOT referring to cattle, or owning as a slave. It is the best translation Pinoy/Pinay or your asawa (spouse) can give you. It is far beyond that type of thought. The tagalog word literally means "belonging to" either"ikaw ay ngayon ang kanyang ari-arian" or "nabibilang ka sa kanya ngayon" and miss you more as "miss ka higit pa" It is similar to the Russian woman thinking of marriage. Where you and your spouse are one. you go to parties together and leave together. In Russia (FSU/CIS), You become her best friend, completely joined in everything. this is similar to Philippines, imagine two cultures very different, but close in thought. The idea of "belonging to each other" is beyond property. the idea is a soul match. The idea in Philippine marriage is your heart, your mind, your soul, your body belong to the other person. However, women abide by this more then most men do i nthe Philippines. It seems a Filipina is like a lovebird. Once wooed and won, you are the only one she wants for the lifetime. This is not true of ALL Filipinas. However, this is how most are raised. More so in the provinces and rural areas then in the cities. With htis being said, if you cal a girl in America, England, or some other European countries "your greatest treasure", they think you are being possessive or "owning her". But in the Philippines, and in FSU/CIS, and some other countries, this the THE HIGHEST form of PRAISE to her. You have placed her above everything in your life. this is what is EXPECTED in the Philippines. For the OP, he may be going through tampo. Instead of malambing cya (cya=him/her), and winning her back, he is using the typical american (Kano) thing. What did I do wrong? In Tampo, it matters not WHAT you did, it matters you RECOGNIZE you DID something wrong, and spend time lambing cya. HEALING the hurt. AFTER the HURT is healed, and the relationship restored. then ask what went wrong. this is different from american relationships. In america, the girl wants you to keep on asking over and over again. Or just wait out her temper tantrum. In Philippines, if you ask What is the problem WITHOUT healing the hurt, the reaction the OP is getting is what happens. Severe anger for ignoring cya tampo. As long as she is not expressing negative feelings in tagalog, he may be fine. But when she goes to tagalog, there is severe issues. I really wish him the best. the hard part is when you experience tampo, to just spend time lambing. Msot guys want to know what is wrong to fix it. Pinays need to be patient with us Kanos over this. It is just a cultural difference both have to adjust to. I really do wish the OP the best in this to work out. I have no problem saying my husband is my greatest treasure, or vice versa. I think you're confusing yourself a little bit, there. And I very much believe in soul mates/being meant for one another. But there's a big difference between 'my greatest treasure' and 'my spouse is my property'. I'm not sure every Pinay loves being regarded as 'property', but that's just my speculation as I haven't spoken to each and every one of them. From how it was explained before, if tampo is a woman's way to avoid a big argument, that's cool. But temper tantrums & acting like a fricken uncivilized maniac (my opinion as to how the OP's wife is acting), is a bit different...and it's kinda strange to me (an outsider) how it is accepted as 'cultural' when it should be unacceptable no matter where you're from. It should only be expected if you're raising a small child, which goes back to my previous post.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-07-17 17:18:00
Philippines	What did I do wrong?	Please understand where I am coming on taking her back home, is a FINAL LAST ditch effort to try and save things. And no my fiancee knows her coming here has NO CONDITIONS. i love her completely. I have talked with my fiancee about what other girls have done, and how I would react if something like it happened to me. I believe Love Is ForEver.(note the capitals) AS M60man pointed out, the Filipino culture has certain attributes which pre-date even american, spanish, mexican, or catholic cultural teaching. Just going home to her family WILL affect their relationship. Even if HE is not well respected in the family, her breaking things WILL be dealt with by the parents and extended family as well. It is possible she is a "rotten egg". But I believe the best, and think there are just issues which taking her home to her family will help if nothing else does. Presently, the OP needs help in getting his spouse to not be so abusive. It could be so was going through "tampo" and he pushed her on it. She could have been reacting angrily to him pushing for answers. Right now she is upset over something. She is becoming "americanized" while this is good in some ways. It is also bad. Her "americanization" is affecting their marriage negatively. Right now he is trying to fix things, and he needs a "reset" button. Taking her home to her family, or sending her home for a month or two will provide the "reset" button he needs. Please note, although you may believe she cannot be deported, divorcing 30 days AFTER the 10 year green is issued is a HUGE RED Flag to ICE. NOT Attempting to deport her CAN affect the OP should he go for another marriage to a non US Citizen, he will go through much pain because they will suspect him of marriage fraud from this marriage. Her wanting to divorce him at this time is very, very bad to his future. I sincerely hope this does not happen. If they file for divorce in America, the superior court of the state handles the divorce. If that court SUSPECTS anything wrong in the marriage, the court MUST report and HAVE those suspicions investigated by the proper authorities BEFORE issuing a final divorce decree. The way she has been abusive, breaking things, saying she does not love him, plus asking for a divorce 30 days after her 10 year green card, would REQUIRE the court to report to USCIS for SUSPECTED marriage fraud. From what I have read, and from what I know of cases like this in Arizona, she would be deported with a LIFETIME ban. (and yes if you walked into the USEmbassy returning a green card saying you suspected your spouse of marriage fraud, they would take the green card right then. NOTE: if your claims are false, you are in very, very serious trouble.) Please understand IF I was in HIS shoes, I would be feeling extremely hurt by all of the events going on right now. if someone used me for a green card then wants support from me, I would be extremely angry at being used. I would be taking any and all legal measures possible. (and some people here know HOW MUCH I have done just to get my fiancee here so far. Imagine after all the trips, all the time, all the money, all the senators, congressmen, friends, family, pledging your life to her, you get your beloved here. You are told by your greatest treasure -- Luke 12:34 and Matthew 6:21 -- she no longer loves you and wants to leave, plus ACTS like it after getting her 10 year green card. How ANGRY would YOU be?) right now, he is feeling very used and hurt. He just got her 10-year green card, He got her surgery for a problem with her leg, He has overlooked her rants and raves in the past. He stayed home with her to take care of her. He was ignored in his requests for silence while he was working from home on an important call. He is also being told she wants to leave him. She has been breaking things, and swinging at him. He may be part of the cause. No sides are completely innocent or completely guilty. But she is guilty of breaking things, of throwing things, of swinging at him hard enough to break a laptop, and telling him she no longer loves him, plus trying to do things on her own without him. She is showing him, she is no longer "his property". there are problems. She may be thinking he is bad for some reason, and can now just leave versus fixing the issue. She may also be thinking she can now divorce him and get half of what he owns. I really want them to fix their marriage. i want them to do well. It is for them to decide. Whoa, this is kinda crazy. First of all, if the OP was scammed into a marriage, he's not gonna be thrown in jail because of it. Most likely, he'll look like just another older man who 'dared to dream' that some 20 year old beauty came here for him, and not the GC. The 'no longer his property' comment is really odd and interesting at the same time. No living being should be viewed as chattel, although I guess there are other opinions. I do wonder if this ability to dismiss this wretched behavior as 'tampo' is partly due to an age difference. It sounds like many of the men who have learned to deal with it have done so employing the same tactics I'm using to teach my son. Would anyone assume that it's pretty standard for a woman of a certain age to act this way? Or is it somehow more easily accepted as 'cultural' even though it seems there's definitely a dynamic of father figure and child at play.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-07-17 09:41:00
Philippines	What did I do wrong?	I wish you the best. I know there more to this story then what I have read or you have posted. You are going through a very, very serious issue. You are going through a CULTURAL issue which needs resolution immediately. 0)TAKE CHARGE. BE A MAN. Look at your actions. Are you letting her run the house? Or are you running the house? Did your actions treat her poorly? What was polite? Did you use bad language, or insult her inadvertently over the phone to the customer? Could you have gone to another room? Have you set up a room solely for "office" work? So she knows that is your "work space"? sometimes we say things to customers or friends which can be taken wrong by a Filipina. Always praise her to others. this is important to a Filipina. This is part of their culture. A husband praises his wife because of HOW she loves him. Understand SHE WANTS to take care of you, she is not used to nor accustomed to a MAN taking care of her. A Filipina takes care of HER MAN. Filipinas take care of each other. Understand her anger is NOT because of what happened with the friend. If is because of HER CULTURE. You are going through a CULTURAL Problem. Tell her this is YOUR way of saying YOU LOVE HER. She is trying to prove she can do things without your help. This is NOT immaturity. this is CULTURE. She was raised to take care of herself plus take care of her HUSBAND. Every time you try to step in help her or do things for her, she probably gets mad. She wants you to be a MAN in how she was raised. Approach her and ask her about hos she sees a HUSBAND in her eyes. What SHE wants to do in the relationship. listen to her, and do not attack anything she says. But use it to explain the CULTURAL Differences. Then work with her to compromise. 1) get her a hearing test. verify she can hear. if she asks why, tell her you wanted to make sure she could hear you when you whisper mahal na mahal kita. 2)take her to the doctor to check on her leg and the medication. Make the appointment. Do not just gloss over it. Get the doctor to reprimand her for not letting you take care of her. Have him check her eyesight and hearing as well. eyesight: want to verify you see how good a husband you have. hearing: want to make sure you can hear my instructions to you. 3) take away the car keys, money, credit cards, and license or put a lock on the steering wheel. 4a) get the book the 5 love languages (or look up online) and find out what her love language is as well as yours. 4b) call the pastor and have someone from the church visit her. 5) call a close friend of hers, explain the problem, and ask them to visit her. 6) get her flowers delivered a few times. (even if you are at home.) 7) see if you can take her to your office, and see what is people do all day. 8) call the friend who she threw out, and have them back over for dinner or something, AFTER your work is over, and explain what the problem is. 9) Act like you are unemployed for a couple of days. You have no money because of losing a job. How do you afford things? 10) get her involved in the budget. Make a list of everything she has broken over the years, and the cost to replace. Show her how the tantrums are affecting the household expenses, costs, bills, and trips. How it affects you in providing for her. Show her things you could not do because of the things being replaced. Also show her in Philippines pesos cost. If you need someone to talk to. I am here. Been through your problems and learned a lot along the way. I hope all improves for you. The OP's wife is definitely acting unreasonable....but you come across as batsh!t crazy. BTW - why is it 4a and b and not just 4 & 5? Keeping it to a 'Top Ten'?	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-07-14 14:37:00
Philippines	help with mama	Good trick. Demonize my posts so you further your and others agenda who are bored and want create drama. I dont believe this OP or anyone else is perfect including you rightous do-gooders. However how do you propose to fix any issues in this relationship or any other by bashing them. What is the plan? Seriously, explain how you propose to fix the problem. Real or imagined? I anxious to hear your plan, or anybody who thinks they can fix this guys issues or anyone elses issues. I cant wait to hear how you plant to help the wife or fix the husband. You think we're demonizing Darren, so you demonize her by saying she's demonizing blah blah blah. The cycle of drama is a tennis match. It takes two sides. You're an active participant this morning. Btw, tmma, RJo, and myself have all given practical advice in this thread. What is your contribution?	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-10-08 10:32:00
Philippines	help with mama	And that comment to RJo was very drama and unnecc...I didn't scroll to the bottom before replying. I guess acceptable to only be nice to those you want to. The irony in attempting to attack RJo and the drama that's created from it is hypocritical and funny.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-10-08 09:44:00
Philippines	help with mama	Where were you yesterday? LOL 13 DAYS!	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-10-08 09:42:00
Philippines	help with mama	It is absolutely amazing how everyone jumps on the bandwagon (the mob mentality) and nit-piks posts to death... Admitedly some of his posts were alarming, but... There are way too many people on VJ that enjoy making people feel like #######.. Folks, not everyone here is a world class writer.. Darren may have communication issues, but it's insane how he's tried to clarify his posts numerous times, and people continue to bash him and nit-pik his comments to twist it around and show how he could be a freak of some kind... He could be, but you've missed the whole darn point.. Anyone who's been around VJ for more than a day, knows this topic is a common issue when it comes to PI.. and although, darren wondered off into the weeds with his narative about villages and tribes, his point was effectively the same as others have posted numerous times.. It's good to see through the communication problem and attempt to isolate the issue.. instead of bashing someone to death.. Darren may have things to learn from others dealing with the stuff, but beating the ####### out of him with attacks and insults isnt going to teach him a darn thing.. Folks, #######????? I simply feel like this Web Site has moved from one with genuine people to one where people with issues, use it beat up on others while taking advantage of the annonymity the internet.. One person makes a derogatory assesment, and before you know it everyone is jumpin in and adding their comment... Most of you wouldn't treat people like this in person and certainly wouldnt have the courage to treat your friends or family like this especially if you were face to face, but thank god for the internet.. It lets you bash people without fear of getting clocked.... Rather than try and understand that he may have challenges expressing himself, you quickly take every little comment he makes and find a way to critique it to show how screwed up he is, instead of understanding the point of his posts.. I applaud the few people who got in supported the possiblity that Darren had commuications issues, but 90% of you ignored those posts and continued to beat up on him.. Darren may not have all the answers, but I am confident that nobody else (especially the attackers) does either... Un-flippin-believable... Kenny, it's such a widely used phrase on every forum how things have 'changed' and people have grown 'mean' etc etc etc. I've seen this claim on VJ since I joined. 'Oh everyone's mean now! I'm leaving blah blah blah.' Nothing's changed, nothing's different. While I would tend to agree with you if this was Darren's FIRST post where alarm bells rang, realize it's not. People are probably taking his whole collective work on VJ into consideration when commenting. I know I have. I personally know of one other here that I can say that for as well. It wasn't just 'one word' where he 'slipped up'. You choose to be a very positive person and believe the best in people, and that's commendable. Others choose to see it for what they feel it is.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-10-08 09:31:00
Philippines	help with mama	i dont think this is more on money issues anymore, i think its more of the trust issue now bcoz gretchen didnt tell him the truth. Gretchen secretly gave the money to the mother and whatever. Thats why he is trying to be the leader of the family bcoz he wants to know that gretchen wont do that anymore, which is not impossible to happen again bcoz blood is thicker than water. Everything that happened was both your fault (darren and gretchen). You just need to accept it and move on. I know its hard to accept that the one you love and her family made you look stupid ah but hey atleast you got gretchen now. She's yours now and its payback time?? oops... hehehhehe when you GIVE something to someone, it is her choice and right to do with it as she pleases. Perhaps the issue is that he was too busy playing big shot to actually find out how much she NEEDED. Instead of blaming everyone for not telling him it was 'too much', he should have been more financially responsible and sent less. I don't care if it's only $20 til pay day. An adult man with child obligations, and a new foreign bride needs to be more financially responsible.	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-10-08 09:27:00
Philippines	help with mama	*sigh* I was not lolling at what you said. Please don't make it about that. Darren doesn't want Gretchen to have a job. Let alone miss any fulfillment from a job while she's caring for their children. There. That's all it was. My bad, it read differently to me! Dude, Darren has actually used the word "control" when he refers to Gretchen. I don't think we are the sharks. Indeed, we're not. Ahh, confirmed! Darren and his ex have some sort of custody support issue; he has $20 in the bank, spent everything on his fiancee and her family...hrmmm,and Gretchen has the financial ignorance?	Anita Cocktail	Male	0	2011-10-05 20:22:00