biggish data

open letter to Officer Covington

Did you register a complaint, official or otherwise, 5 years ago ?

No - didn't know how/where, and was really too chicken, actually. Don't poke the bear, you know.... I didn't/don't have any proof of it anyway.

We were so paranoid throughout the entire process. I can see the difference in my husband since he got his citizenship. I didn't realize how "second class" he felt as a permanent resident. He's more relaxed and confident now, and things between us are even better than before!

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2011-12-25 07:28:00

open letter to Officer Covington

There are always exceptions to the rule, but that does not change the rule.

What rule?

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2011-12-25 07:23:00

open letter to Officer Covington

Officer Covington,

Five years ago today, my Moroccan fiancé and I arrived in PHL. He was coming here on his K1 visa. You took him into the room to interview him, and then you wanted to talk to me. You were extremely rude. You told me to send him back to Morocco instead of marrying him. You told me I wouldn’t be in any trouble if I did. You said at the very least, I should put off the marriage as long as possible to give myself time to change my mind. You said Moroccan men are notorious for marrying “women like us” – older, unattractive, overweight, but who had a little money. You told me he’d beat me up, take my money, and leave me within 2 years, and you’d be surprised if he didn’t.

Well, guess what. He’s still here. Because of the economic environment in this country, we (like many others) are barely scraping by, even though we’re both working. I’m a few years older, and a few pounds heavier than I was in 2006. I’m not unattractive, though – I don’t know anyone who would look beautiful after sitting in an airport for 2 days, then flying for many hours. He has his citizenship. He’s never hit me. He didn’t take money. And again, he’s still here.

You were SO wrong, and I want you to know that.

So, can you explain yourself? Can you explain why he’s still with me? All of the reasons you assumed he was with me are gone – the money, waiting for the green card, waiting for citizenship, etc. He has absolutely no financial or immigration related reason to stay with me now. As a matter of fact, he’d probably be better off financially if he did leave. His income alone would support him better than our combined incomes support the two of us and my children from my previous marriage.

OH MY! Could it be that he’s a decent person, and actually LOVES me? Could it be that he really DID come here just to be with me? Imagine that!

You said something about stopping by to tell you you were wrong if he didn’t leave, but I really have better things to do than drive to the airport to try to find you. Maybe this message will get to you some other way.

And I hope you find peace in your life, because apparently you don’t have any. Or at least you didn’t on December 23, 2006.

Happy Holidays.

venusfire

P.S. I’m SO glad I ignored your ‘advice’.

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2011-12-23 09:17:00

Merry Christmas MENA

Merry Christmas everyone!

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2011-12-25 18:48:00

Visa Approved!!! Yeahhhh!!!

Wonderful! Congratulations!

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2011-12-25 07:47:00

Happy 5th Wedding Anniversary Habibi!

Happy Anniversary, and congratulations!

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2011-12-29 19:23:00

Visa Process

It might be a good idea to pin this.....

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2012-02-20 02:01:00

Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA

Just assume if the phrase "my queen" is ever uttered - you are a kersmillion percent likely being taken for a ride.

just being facetious of course, but ya know - when it's laid on that thick..

Maybe that's it - he never called me his queen.

HAHA

Seriously, I wish I could stay up and read the rest of the posts, but I can't. Without REALLY paying for it tomorrow.

I feel compelled to mention my relationship when topics like this come up because if I had listened to all of the warnings about other relationships, I would have missed out on the best relationship - one I never could have imagined. I read and heard the worst things... but once people met him, their opinions changed. Yes, everyone needs to take a step back and make sure they're not overlooking things because of the excitement. But I think it's important to really look at it and not just write it off immediately just because of where he's from, age differences, different religions, whatever. That's what I did - I heard all the horror stories, but did my best to look at our relationship honestly. I didn't assume the relationship was going to work just because I was in love, but I also didn't assume it wasn't going to work just because I'm older and he's a Muslim MENA man.

I am very sad when I hear about what some posters are going through. Although I'm very lucky with my MENA man, I am going through horrors with my (USC) ex. He makes it his hobby to do anything he can to make me miserable. It's not exactly the same as being used/scammed or whatever... but I wish I didn't have to deal with it. I can't get into it all here and now, but one thing I'll say is he's not above sacrificing the children's happiness to accomplish his selfish goals. How sick is that? That's really all he has on me, and he maximizes it. I would never 'use' my children. I live by the saying "love your children more than you hate your ex".

Anyway, I wish peace, happiness, and love to everyone.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2012-03-13 22:41:00

Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA

How many of them brought their husband to the United States and how many met them here? How many are converts to Islam

Any marriages you know of where the woman is lets say 8 to 13 years older that after 5 years they are together?

Mine. I'm 11 years older, and we've been married more than 5 years now and together almost 6 years.

I brought him here. Neither of us converted.

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2012-03-13 22:18:00

Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA

It is a warning against MENA men so lets not try to sugarcoat it. I know tons of wildly successful MENA/American marriages. They are similar in age or the man is older, have children together, and share a religion. The shortest has been married for over 5 years and the longest close to 14. These are personal friends of ours but we know, through the grapevine, of those married much much longer. It's not all gloom and doom but you have to be honest and take a good look at yourself and your partner.

I wholeheartedly agree with Staashi

We don't share a religion, either.

I'm the older one.

Oh, and not only does he parent my children from before, he deals with the ####### from their father. Those who say it's none of his business are delusional. Anything that affects one of us (especially that much) affects both of us to some extent.

Maybe the odds aren't the greatest, but it IS possible for a MENA man to fall in love with an American woman who is older and be a wonderful husband to her.

And TRUST ME, he FAR outshines the American man (around my age) who I married the first time. In every way.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2012-03-13 22:10:00

Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA

Actually, let me say, it is a MENA warning - when I look at my friends who are married to MENA dudes, the only ones that seemed to have worked out are the ones where the couples are similar in age and are able to bear children. I only know of one couple on here that had an age difference but are still together. I remember Debbie and her posts, I thought she and her husband would make it - and here we are, another scammer.

And yes, Americans get divorced all the time, however, some poor chick doesn't have to spend thousands of dollars on the front end to bring her dude over here.
Please know, I'm not against immigration and foreign relationships. I have many friends with great relationships with their MENA dudes, but they are in an exclusive group. So yes, when it comes to those red flags take them seriously. Not every guy is an azzhole, but ask yourself this question: if you don't have men beating down your doors in the US, what makes you think they're going to beat down your doors from afar without something to benefit them?

I just want to let everyone know that I'm part of a couple that is working out. He's been a citizen since last summer. I'm 11 years older, and we don't have a child together (we'd love to, but the chances of it happening arent very high).

As far as men beating down my door... I never took the time to find out if they would or not (Americans or not). I wasn't looking for a relationship - I was just talking to people for something to do, and ended up falling in love. Luckily for me, he did too.

There might be general rules, but not absolute ones.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2012-03-13 22:01:00

How many of you saw your significant other online before flying across the country to meet in person?

We saw each other on webcam before meeting in person - it was the easiest way to converse, since we could talk to and hear each other (for free). Typing for hours every night got tiring after a while! I took a laptop to him the second trip, so we could talk during the day and also have privacy. I used to sleep on the couch then (I only had a desktop computer, and it was near the couch), and he kept his computer in his room. We'd keep our cams open all night so if one of us woke up, we could see the other sleeping. It was a way to feel closer to each other. Ok, so I occasionally videotaped him on the cam, snoring..... :whistle:

He got me back after he got here, though. :blush:

Also, once I got to know him and we decided to do the K-1, I introduced him to my children using the camera, so they'd be somewhat used to him before he got here. I used the webcam when I visited him so I could connect with my kids - it helped, since I missed them so much! They liked being able to see me, too. I also got to see his family on cam.

I loved that he was so respectful on the camera - it was one of the things that won me over.

Time goes so quickly. We've been married 5-1/2 years now, and he's been a citizen for more than a year. Just wanted to add that.

Best wishes to all!

Ramadan kareem

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2012-07-19 20:56:00

visa k-3

Hi daroum! Welcome to MENA VJ.
I need to bone up on my french and arabic languages well enough to read and write fluently in them so I can be of some help here.

Yes you could try for a tourist visa or even a student visa and it's not very difficult but it will cost money and is not always guaranteed. Women being petitioned for don't have as difficult a time from the MENA region with their petitions. I suspect in your case since your husband came on a lottery visa and you're already married that it will be rather quick and easy for your case.

My question is what is holding up your husband from filing as soon as possible to bring you over here? Is it money? If it is money then I'd put it towards the family based visa of CR-1/IR-1 because the K3 no longer is an option. The processing times have increased on the CR-1/IR-1 with the average taking about 11 months from first filing the petition to receiving the visa to travel here. I'm not certain about Algeria though because sometimes the visa process can be case specific. Your husband should really file that petition quickly because there is no reason you should have to endure a long distances relationship. LDRs are really difficult especially when you're both already married. It was so stressful on me waiting all those years for my husband to come here and now I think if it was for my protection or the countries then the extreme caution and background casing was all for nothing really. He's fine and like a lamb really. We couldn't be happier now that we're counting the years together instead of day, weeks and months. Couples getting to be together is happiness and being apart is pure hellishness.

I hope you guys get to be together soon and that you keep us, in the MENA forum, updated on your case and what you decide to do.

It might be 11 months if the petitioner is a USC, but isn't it different if the petitioner is a permanent resident (as hers is)?

Sorry - brain hasn't woken up yet, and I'm really rusty on immigration things now....

Best of luck to all!

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2012-07-26 06:02:00

The hoping not to be denied at Casablanca thread

Sorry, was distracted when I wrote that. I meant "profiling that she is American and he is MOROCCAN" not Muslim.

Crossed_fingers - don't worry about it. If you think about it, like 99% of the time, it's both!

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2010-06-17 23:05:00

The hoping not to be denied at Casablanca thread

I didn't get the chance to read all of this thread, but something I saw made me wonder - is it possible for those whose marriages have lasted to contact someone to let them know there ARE successes? I'll never forget the ###### he (we) went through when he first got here (PHL) - all the grilling, and then the lady called me into the office to tell me that she 'hoped' I wouldn't go there in two years crying about how he left me. That was in addition to telling me that I didn't have to marry him - I could send him home without getting into trouble, but if I 'had' to marry him, to wait until the last minute to have time to change my mind. How Moroccan men were notorious for finding "women like us" (older, overweight, unattractive, but with some money - yes, she really said that. I'd like to see ANYONE look good after spending two days in the airport, waiting for a flight, by the way), marrying them, getting them pregnant, beating them up, taking their money, and then running off. I'm not saying we've had the longest marriage or anything, but we're almost at 3-1/2 years, things are even better than before, and he's had his 10 year card for a while now. And with all the outside-of-the-relationship problems we're having (my ex, financial issues, things I don't want to post online, etc), most people we know are amazed that he's staying with me through it all. They all agree "he must REALLY love you". Ok - I'm impressed too - I know he loves me, but ....GEEZ .... (I'm really happy about it, though!)

Anyway, I wish all of you the best of luck. And if anyone really does know a way to let them know over there that there are successful, non-fraud marriages (since it sounds like they don't think there are) between American women and Moroccan men - please let us know! We'd love to help out.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2010-06-17 23:03:00

Happy Couples ....

Sorry this is so short - it's late, and I really need to get to bed. I just happened to see your thread, and wanted to chime in. My husband and I are very happy. We've been together for more than 6 years now (he's been here more than 5-1/2 of those). We both hated when (small minded) people assumed he was just with me for - well, first the visa, then the green card, then citizenship - just because he was from a MENA country. Now that he's been a citizen for more than a year, those people have finally shut up!

heehee

I wish I had time to read though what everyone else has to say (hopefully another day, soon). I just remember how scary it was at times, hearing the worst of what could happen, and loving to hear the happy stories. Now we are one of the happy stories!

Best of luck to all!
venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2012-08-01 21:28:00

It's FRIDAY!!! TGIF MENA

Good morning everyone!

I'm trying to get on here more often so I can have a clue as to how everyone is doing. I think things will change in a few weeks. I thank God all of the time for all the wonderful things in my life - children, husband, a place to live, and all I need to survive. My poor old minivan is hanging in there - almost 10 years now!

The only real complaint I have is my ex. He's been trying everything to take my children away from me. I don't get it - we set up the custody schedule to fit his work schedule, so if he had them more often than he does now, they'd be with babysitters or their stepmother instead of with me. It doesn't make sense! I'm a good mom, so my ex makes things up - like when he filed false abuse allegations against me and my husband last year. They saw through it - what a rough time though, until they finished investigating. Then he filed for emergency custody - denied (more stress and legal fees). Now he's trying for primary custody. We go to court at the end of the month, so I'm really busy getting ready for that.

Oh - another thing I am thankful for - my children love both step-parents. Some people think I'm weird because I'm happy they like their step-mother, but I can't imagine if they hated her! Not only would they be miserable when they're there, but I would worry about them. They really had a hard time (especially the older 2 - the youngest seemed to adapt better) adjusting to the divorce, and it's wonderful that they're doing better now.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I hear you on the naps - they are soooooooo UNDERrated! I hope everyone who is sick feels better, and that we're all able to avoid the worst of the winter illnesses. My husband already got his flu shot - didn't want to risk it after this past winter.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-09 10:59:00

Sunday

Here I was, hoping to spend more time catching up on everything... then my daughter fell and broke her arm, which required a trip to the ER, admission to the hospital, and surgery this morning. Not much of a weekend. Poor little kid - she's only 6. It is doing much better, but it still hurts her. She's a trooper.

Good thing she doesn't have school tomorrow - she needs her rest.

I hope everyone is doing ok. Sorry for not taking the time to read all the posts. I'm really tired - didn't sleep much last night.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-11 18:18:00

International calling cards

Wow - this just reminds me... when we were still waiting for the visa, we stumbled across VJ and posted a few times, all in a panic. Then we kind of 'lost' the website for a while. We were happy to rediscover it, and my husband started posting on a new name. Then I opened this account. Now that I've been here a while, I realize how ANNOYING we must have been! Luckily, I don't think I remember our original screen name. I'd feel obligated to tell it, and then people might happen to remember and say "oh.... them...."
haha

I hope people don't think that of me now! I try not to annoy anyone (except maybe my ex).

For what it's worth, I feel bad that we probably got on people's nerves back in 2006. Sorry!

Uh oh - now everyone who was around then will wonder - hey, was she "so and so"....?

the answer is - no, we weren't

venusfire (in a weird mood tonight)

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-14 21:20:00

International calling cards

To move this into another direction... the first time I called Morocco was on a weekend. I couldn't reach the phone company first, so I didn't know how much it was going to cost. I kept it short, luckily. When I reached them that Monday, they said it was (and no, I'm not making this up!) $5.25 per minute!!!!!!!!!!! The rep then said for $4/mo, I could pay 59 cents a minute. I did that until I found something better!

Oh, and this is kind of funny - people posting the eating popcorn 'smiley' here - and there was just a commercial on - didn't pay much attention to it, but I looked up and there was a guy on the TV in his underwear, popping popcorn.

#######. Now I'm thinking of going back downstairs to make popcorn. Gee, I'm not influenced by the power of suggestion or anything....

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-14 20:17:00

Oh, and here's one my sister sent to me (the same sister who came to me TWICE in the past when she needed a place to live when she was out of a job):

It's a War -- Win & come home .....
>>
>>
>> Here's one woman who is telling it like it is...in her opinion!
>>Written by a housewife from New Jersey and sounds like this is one
>>pissed off lady.
>>
>>"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not
>>started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11,
>>2001? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not
>>brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac
>>from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania? Did nearly
>>three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or
>>crushing death that day, or didn't they?
>>
>>And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when
>>an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet...I don't. I
>>don't care at all.
>>
>>I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for
>>incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.
>>
>>I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start
>>caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in
>>Saudi Arabia.
>>
>>I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off
>>Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed
>>throat.
>>
>>I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and
>>fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in
>>mosques.
>>
>>I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of
>>nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide
>>bombs.
>>
>>I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First
>>Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead
>>of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights. In the meantime,
>>when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist
>>to obtain information, know this: I don't care. When I see a fuzzy
>>photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in
>>what amounts to a college-hazing incident, rest assured: I don't care.
>>When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not
>>to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank:
>>I don't care.
>>
>>When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat,
>>and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is
>>complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely
>>believe in your heart of hearts: I don't care.
>>
>>And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and
>>other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and -you guessed it: I don't
>>care!!!!
>>
>>If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your e-mail
>>friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this
>>ridiculous behavior!
>>
>>If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you
>>choose the latter, and then please don't complain when more atrocities
>>committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great country!
>>
>>And may I add:
>>"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a
>>difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem."
>>Ronald Reagan
>>
>>I have another quote that I would like to add AND.. ..I hope you forward
>>all this.
>>
>>"If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then we will be a
>>nation gone under." also by... Ronald Reagan
>>
>>One last thought for the day: In case we find ourselves starting to
>>believe all the anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should
>>remember England's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent
>>interview. When asked by one of his
>>Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said:
>>"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want
>>in, And how many want out."
>>Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:
>>1. Jesus Christ
>>2. The American G. I.
>>One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
>>YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET BOTH OF THEM.
>>AMEN!

One thing that really bugs me is that it seems so ingrained in certain people's brains that they don't even realize they're sending this ####### to people who really don't want to get it. "Keep your prejudiced opinions to yourself, or at the VERY least, only pass them on to people who agree with you!" I think that's exactly what I'm going to write to every person who sends anything like that to me from now on.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-17 09:38:00

ok, I hate emotional discomfort, so I have to make a little joke (which does not in any way mean that I don't really feel all that I posted above):

someone on here once said I should "complain, girl, complain"

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-14 21:10:00

QUOTE (illnevergetthis @ Oct 14 2009, 03:47 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I think maybe they are sending the emails out in mass email, so you get included. They probably don't even realize they have included you, until they get a response back from you. The one thing about being included...is that you learn how they really feel and think. It also gives you the opportunity to try to "set the record straight."

Oh, it was absolutely a mass forward email. I think that's one reason I hate those so much - people stupidly just send any ###### out to everyone in their address book WITHOUT THINKING. See, I'm the kind of person who doesn't do that. I rarely forward anything, and when I do it's only to a few people I think will enjoy it. More importantly, I NEVER send out those hate filled BS ones. If anyone has noticed me at all on here, one thing I hope they've noticed is that I don't hate people (esp for reasons like race or religion), but I DO hate confrontation. But I DO get quite irritated about some of these things I have had to deal with - and I'm sure many of you have faced the same unfair bull.

First it was the fact that my SO felt he had to side-step the questions I asked out of curiosity (about his ethnic background, religion, etc). It really bugs the hell outta me that he had to worry that I might lose interest in his friendship (which is what it was at first) because he's a Muslim/Arab/African.

Second was the annoying, uninformed "advice" I got from friends, family members, and even new acquaintances about how much 'danger' I was in, how stupid and crazy I was for even entertaining the thought of flying to Morocco. The things that people accused him of just because of their prejudice sickened and continue to sicken me.

Third was seeing how others' reactions have affected the sweet, wonderful, sensitive man I am PROUD to call my husband. Some people I know like to spout off about how these untraditional "mixed marriages" have no chance because we're not "the same" (even though my ex and I were very much alike on paper, were miserable together, and he's the one person on earth I might actually HATE - because after all I did for him, he's trying to screw me over and take my kids away, even going so far as to file false abuse charges against me - luckily not believed - in a selfish attempt to ruin my life; my husband and I are "nothing alike" on paper, but are very compatible and happy). Why can't people stop and think for half a second and realize that the only problem we have because of our "differences" are dealing with the stress of people talking about us and feeling (sometimes) that we need to defend ourselves and each other? I hate having to see my husband worry that my ex might actually be able to take full custody of my children just because I married a non-Christian. I have reassured him, but I don't know if I really convinced him completely.

Fourth is knowing - and being reminded through things like these stupid "forwards" - that even people who are nice to my husband to his face (and I'm including family members here) might expect him to blow something up and/or harm me in some way. I just wonder if they believe that all Muslims are terrorists, or do they scratch their heads, wondering how "someone like him" could be (act?) so nice.

I don't know - maybe what bothers me the most is knowing that their attitudes toward "people like him" is so ingrained and automatic that they don't even think to check their list of recipients to make sure not to "accidently" send it to me?

I know one thing - it is very difficult to live with the conflict inside of wanting to love the people I grew up with, and the people I met and considered friends, but feeling that doing so is a slap in my husband's face. It makes me appreciate so much more the people who don't have those horrible "_____-ist" attitudes.

Venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-14 21:01:00

QUOTE (illnevergetthis @ Oct 13 2009, 11:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

When I would receive these sort of emails, I would send the mass email back with the snopes link.
I would also put in my email message about how I was disappointed that they didn't check the facts before they sent out an email that helped spread lies, hatred and intolerance.

Thank you for the inspiration! I got this back in November - from my DAD - but looked it up in my email and did the "reply all" with the snopes link. I was a little less nice than you - I just put something about how I don't want to get that kind of BS in my email, it's incorrect information, and I find it insulting. He probably won't like it, but this isn't the first anti-Muslim email I've gotten from family. Seriously, do they THINK before they include me in their forwarding?

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-13 20:41:00

Happy Caturday MENA!

Good morning, everyone!

It looks like not much going on today. I'm just working on things to prepare for court (my ex is an @ss - trying to take custody). I have a bit of a headache, and I feel a cold coming on - yuck!

Other than that, my life is good. My sweet husband is happily busy, working on the house. Our marriage is strong (although a bit challenging sometimes, of course). I miss my kiddles, but they'll be back tomorrow (and I'm using the time without them to my advantage so I can focus on them when they do return - that's been how I've been doing it). My little girl (age 6) had her arm checked yesterday, and everything is ok (she broke it last weekend, and needed the whole surgery/pins/cast thing). She's such a trooper - I think I'd be more of a baby about it! The other two are doing SO much better in school. They had some problems in the past because of the divorce and remarriages, but seem to have more or less recovered from that. They all love both step-parents, which is wonderful. We've been through some... things, so not having a whole lot to write about now is a good thing!

I started a job last week. It's just part time (subbing - they call when they need me, and I go every time I can), which actually is best right now. I need work experience and schedule flexibility right now, and I have it. Plus, when I do go to court, having a job - but one that doesn't interfere with parenting at all (it's school related) - is the best scenario! I hope in a few months, I'll be able to find something permanent and full time. The experience I'm getting now will help, plus I'm starting to get the needed reference letters. My husband just found out that he's still technically on the payroll at the job he had last year, and they'll most likely start scheduling him again soon. It kind of sucks, since it seems it's just a seasonal job, but it's really good in another way. Not only does that mean some (much needed) income in the next few months, but he can put on his resume that he's been their employee for over a year now. It will help him step up to something else later.

The ten year card should be here soon. We really didn't focus on it much once we sent the paperwork, but it's still a relief to have the approval letter - one less thing to think about!

In a few weeks, I hope things have settled down significantly (post-court) and I'm able to relax. Then I can be on VJ for fun instead of it just being a last resort distraction (I've mainly been doing things like this when I just get to the point where I can't deal with life anymore - better for me than drinking or whatever!).

I hope everyone is having a fun weekend! Thank you to everyone who has been so helpful to us over the years. I would like to be as helpful, and often, very soon.

Peace

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-17 11:13:00

Medical exam

Make sure to get copies of your medical exam and vaccine record before you leave the office - you will need the vaccine record for AOS, and there's a possibility you might need the medical exam. I don't know about now, but when we applied in 2007, it seemed they were 'losing' quite a few medical exams. It's annoying to get RFE, be delayed, have to make an appointment, and spend hundreds of dollars, for something that was actually already done! We tried EVERYTHING to get his medical report after he got here, but ended up having to get it re-done anyway.

Best of luck!

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-16 18:13:00

QUOTE (anas_tracy_love @ Oct 11 2009, 05:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My husband is very interested in the different types of dishes i cook and is eager to try new things...i am curious about the deal with gelatin tho...i assume some types of gelatin are made from (pork?)...could anyone give me some info regarding this so i can be prepared when he gets to the US?....

I believe most gelatin in this country is made from pork (because it's cheaper than other kinds). It IS possible to find it made of other animals, fish, or even plants, but you have to look around. Those types are usually labeled "kosher" and/or "halal". Most products with gelatin don't say where the gelatin came from, though, so it's safest to avoid it since it's likely from pig. Oh, and I think that some products with the "K" symbol might still contain gelatin made from pork - it's only certain other kosher symbols that guarantee no link to pig.

I'm not trying to claim any extensive knowledge about Islam (or any other religion), so don't take anything I say about that as fact. However, everyone decides how closely they want to follow (or not) their religion and/or how they want to interpret the 'rules' and/or whose interpretation they want to follow. For example - some feels it's ok to take medications with gelatin; some will only if an alternative is not available; some won't take them at all.

That being said, I recommend talking it over with your SO to find out how he feels about it. If he does not want to eat anything that could possibly contain/be from a pig, then only use a product containing gelatin if it is DEFINITELY NOT from a pig (I found marshmallows that listed "fish gelatin" on the label). Ask someone who knows more than I do if there are ways to know about certain products.

Also, I have heard that some people get more strict or less strict after they get here. I'm sure there are even some who change their habits more than once. Kind of follow his lead. I think it's wonderful that you're supportive of him!

I hope he appreciates your efforts. Best of luck to both of you! I hope he gets here soon.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-11 18:13:00

I didn't know about the other thread. If anyone knows where to find it, please let me know. My "search" abilities are hit and miss...

Oh, and I thought of something else that I didn't know before - many ground beef dishes contain ground pork. Even the halupki I ate all my life - whenever I made it, I just used ground beef, but my sister told me that she, and other relatives, put pork in it. We also found out that many times in restaurants, lasagna also contains ground pork. Swedish meatballs, too (the person who told me that said it as if I was an idiot not to know that already).

Oh well.

Everyone already knew not to smoke in my house. I've been like that for years (I'm very sensitive to smoke), so I was happy to learn that my SO doesn't smoke (never even tried it). So that's not an issue for us.

But on that subject, can anyone think of anything else that might require some adjusting/compromise? For example, porn. Not that I was into it, but I quickly figured out that my SO wasn't going to ever look for any! That's actually one thing that attracted me to him - one night I noticed on cam that one of my shirt buttons had opened (not like I was hanging out or anything), and something told me that he wasn't a pervert. I turned away, buttoned it, said "sorry", and he actually thanked me for respecting him enough to rebutton it. Wow - what a difference from the others I had talked with online (they would've asked me to unbutton more!). He told me later about a few other women he had talked with, and I could tell he was confused about why they said the kind of things they said - which is also why he stopped talking with them, but kept talking with me. I can't imagine if I had tried to surprise him with a porn video when he got here, how he might have reacted! I'm sure most people here will read the cues from their men, but I just thought I'd mention it for anyone in a newer relationship. Not saying all Muslim men are the same, but I'd recommend waiting and watching before trying to spring anything like that on one!

Any other tips, hints, suggestions?

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-09-29 22:24:00

Another reason I want to keep my home free of haram foods - if we're lucky enough to have a baby together some day, I don't want to worry about the wee one accidently eating anything he/she shouldn't. My three children from my previous marriage are getting used to rarely having things like gummy worms or regular marshmallows at home.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-09-29 18:00:00

QUOTE (brooklyn @ Sep 29 2009, 05:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

wow I had no clue on all the stuff that have pork in it .
Thank you so much . There so much I need to learn before
my husband comes home.
Thanks again
Brooklyn

Brooklyn,

Yeah, I had no idea either! I wish I had known to discuss all this with him before he came, but I didn't. For example, there are things they have in Morocco, such as sausage, that don't contain pork there but have it here. Luckily, we were able to figure it out as we went along.

Also, talk with him about how he feels about these things, but be prepared for the possibility that he might think he's ok with some things, but won't be once he's here. I've heard of that happening. For instance, my son really wanted sausage pizza for his birthday party, but when I cooked the sausage in the house (to put it on there), my husband almost threw up from the smell (and I think also just the idea of it being there). Some people actually end up being more tolerant after getting here, too. Some, sadly, even do things here they never would have in their birth country (drink, smoke, eat certain foods). I imagine some even go back and forth about what they will eat/do and what they won't. I told my husband I would support him, no matter his decisions. He's stuck with what he feels is right, and I feel good about that (I would feel bad if I thought I had influenced him to do something he normally wouldn't).

All that being said, it's difficult for them to stick with everything, especially when there are so many new things (it's easy to forget to check ingredients), other people don't know (friends or relatives can put things in food, not knowing or not caring), and eating in restaurants is a ####### shoot (some Muslims won't do it, since there are no guarantees). Fasting during Ramadan is much harder, too, since most people here don't do it. Not only do they see 'everyone else' eating, but schedules don't shift here like they often do in Muslim countries (the days seem longer). Plus, now that Ramadan is falling in the summer time, the days really ARE longer!

Best of luck for both of you! I think it's sweet that you are doing what you can to help him.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-09-29 17:13:00

I also wanted to add that you still need to be careful with kosher products. I found out that sometimes a K (one of the kosher symbols - there are several of them) doesn't necessarily mean there is no gelatin. You'll see the "K" on Jell-o, for instance. Some people believe that the way gelatin is processed makes it so far removed from its source that it no longer qualifies as a meat product. Others disagree. I'm not here to get into a debate about that - but check with your Muslim SO to see how they feel about it. It's none of my business what anyone else does or does not eat, but I think for a successful relationship, you need to find out what your SO is ok with and what he or she is not, and let them know if you keep anything in the house that they would not willingly eat. When my SO first got here, I was unaware of alot, and had to look through my kitchen to find things he couldn't eat (I ended up giving them to my sisters

)

Also, make sure to discuss with them how they feel about having haram items in the house. They might not be ok with it, even if the items are clearly marked. I didn't think to talk with him about it, but we worked it all out once he got here. I just wish I had known more, and had taken care of it before his arrival! Some people don't care, but some might be very opposed to it. Years ago, I once had Jewish friends ask us not to take my daughter's toddler food (those little meat sticks in jars) into their house because they weren't kosher.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-09-29 17:00:00

I was just reading another thread, which mentions the MENA man being disgusted by pork, and when posting, I thought it might be a good idea to start a new thread about food.

My husband didn't ask me to make any changes about what I bought or eat, but I decided I was more comfortable not keeping things in the house that he can't eat. For one thing, I would feel strange having them here. For another, it's just easier than having to check his food for him before he eats! He can read labels now, but it was very difficult for him when he first got here. I had to get used to reading labels at the store, to avoid buying things he can't eat. I was surprised how many things (like gum and chip dip) sometimes contain gelatin, and there are SO many things that have little bits of pork or alcohol in them.

Of course, the biggest/most obvious thing is pork. Luckily, there are so many pork substitutes. I actually tended to buy turkey hotdogs, turkey ham, soy sausage, etc anyway (for health reasons) long before I met my husband, so there was very little adjusting once he got here. (he didn't insist that I stop buying pork, I did). The only thing I can't really find a substitute for is pork chops (if I really crave them, I could always eat them outside of the house), but I can live without them. My 6 year old LOVES ribs, but she's just as happy with beef ribs. BE CAREFUL, though - I've seen some pork in things like turkey bacon, apparently to give it a more authentic flavor. A kosher symbol on the package will let you know there's no pork, but it's still a good idea to check for alcohol in certain things. Also, check with your man - some will only eat halal meat, some will eat kosher meat, some will eat anything that's not from a pig.

I also found Goya ham flavored concentrate (like powdered bouillon) and J & D's bacon salt (vegetarian, but has milk) which contain no pork - made out of plants and chemicals, I guess. I don't know if your SO would be comfortable eating any of that (my husband will eat kosher beef hot dogs, but doesn't like many of the other things, and of course won't eat any pork), but at least it will give you options if there are certain things you don't want to completely give up.

I wanted to let my husband try marshmallows, but since there's no way to know where the gelatin came from, he couldn't. But around Passover (in the Spring), you can find kosher marshmallows, which are made with fish gelatin! Manischewitz makes really good ones. Be careful - some actually have a fish taste to them (YUCK!), so only buy one package if you find another brand, to taste it. But if he likes them, go back right away and stock up - they're only available a few weeks of the year. Just a note - some of them change color after a while, but they taste the same. Other times of year, you can use marshmallow fluff - but be careful, some brands have vanillin, which contains traces of alcohol. Check things with marshmallow - my favorite ice cream, Turkey Hill chocolate marshmallow, does NOT contain gelatin - they use egg albumin instead.

Oh, and be prepared for people who seriously or half jokingly suggest that you try to sneak something forbidden (haram) into their food or drinks. I don't know why, but sometimes otherwise intelligent people think it would be ok or even a good idea. I even have a relative who keeps swearing he'll get my husband drunk one day. Sigh.

Does anyone else have any tips? I would love to know about places to find acceptable (at least for some people) substitutes for those of us who want to keep pork and alcohol out of our homes, but are still new to it. I didn't realize how much it was ingrained into our culture!

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-09-29 16:43:00

Well, court was a mixture of good and bad. The judge only listened to the custody evaluator who said the kids were more behaved when he saw them with their father. She must not have been completely convinced, though, because she decided to have us switch the current schedule for several months to see how it works out, then we'll evaluate how the children are doing. I think it's #######, of course. First of all, they've been with me more than half the time for the past 3+ years since the divorce, and they're doing SO much better than before. The past year, especially, they've shown significant improvement. I don't know why we need to make changes when everything was working so well. My oldest was having real problems and had to have special help at school - now her teachers keep asking her why she even has an IEP (special accomodations at school). My son's aide at school said he isn't really needed anymore... and now the ####### ex decides he has to stir things up. I'm worried the kids will regress, but there's nothing I can do about it. The worst part is that he doesn't really want to spend more time with them. An example (since it's always been like this) - he used to get home early some days from work, but would leave one of them at daycare for 3 or 4 hours for me to pick her up when I was done. You'd think he'd look forward to picking her up, but his attitude was more or less "well, we've already paid for it". She was only a few months old - how could he leave her there? It never really changed with him, either.

Anyway, the good things - first of all, if he screws up (likely), then we go back to the 'old' schedule, or I might even get more time with them than I've had. Second, he's been court ordered to attend co-parenting counseling. If it works, maybe he'll actually start treating me like a human, and start doing what's best for the kids. Third, he's going to have to come up with good reasons why he won't let my kids travel to Morocco to meet their stepfamily (I'm sure most of you know the near impossibility of my husband's family all being able to come here) instead of just seeing them on webcam. Since I can't think of a single good reason, it sounds like we have a good chance of finally taking them (once we save up the money).

Oh, also - HE has to be around when the kids are there with him now - no sticking them with babysitters or their stepmother. If he can't be there, he HAS TO contact me to give me the opportunity to have them stay with me. If he doesn't, the judge won't think very highly of that. I think once the judge sees how often they end up at my house anyway, she's going to mention that they might as well stay with me after all. If my ex actually tries to cut his schedule down to be there for them (especially hard with all the school holidays coming up), he's probably going to realize he's losing more money with his business than he's saving on child support.

So, it was a hard day - hearing him get his way, knowing he doesn't really care, and put us through all of this just to save himself some money and to torture me (he knows nothing means more to me than my kids). But I am looking at the good parts of it. And trying to keep in mind that it's only a temporary arrangement - anything could happen in a few months. It's his situation to screw up now.

Trying to keep my chin up.....

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-28 19:14:00

Thank you so much, doodlebugg!

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-24 14:28:00

Many thanks to everyone for their encouragement and support. I've been absent from here for a few days because I'm getting prepared for court on Monday and Tuesday. I hope to have good news when I return....

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-23 10:09:00

New Beginnings,

Thank you so much! I really appreciate all the help and support I get from you and everyone else here.

Sorry I took so long to get back - I had a stupid laptop mishap late last night.... still trying to save it (and all my data). I'm using the regular computer now... The worst part is that I can't access many of the files I saved to use for court

I hope to be able to recover them.

That's a good idea - it's exactly what I want, need, and have been trying to find out - how to deal with all of us. And, if possible, what I can do to try to defuse the situation, at least somewhat. Sigh. I'll see what I can do.

The good news is, it's time to pick the wee ones up - YAY!!!!! I miss them when they're not here.

I hope everyone is having a good Sunday.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-18 16:48:00

QUOTE (morocco4ever @ Oct 17 2009, 09:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Why can't people think of the kids first? That always amazes me.

That would make life better for a WHOLE bunch of kids, wouldn't it? I think it's terrible that they don't.

As far as my ex, the reason he doesn't is simple - he's a self centered, egotistical b*st*rd that only cares about himself, what he wants, and being in charge. Oh, and he also wants me to be punished for having the audacity to be happy without him.

Reminds me - when I was going through the divorce, my brother sent me this song called "She Let Herself Go" by George Strait. I'm not much into country music, but I LOVE that song! For those who aren't familiar with the song (esp those divorced ladies amongst us - or those who are friends with those who are), I recommend googling the lyrics. The beginning of the song goes like this:

He wondered how she'd take it when he said goodbye.
Thought she might do some cryin': lose some sleep at night.
But he had no idea, when he hit the road,
That without him in her life, she'd let herself go.

Let herself go on a singles cruise,
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.
Let herself go to New York City:
A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.
When he said he didn't love her no more,
She let herself go.

heehee - I let myself go, too - to Morocco!

Peace, happiness, and love to all...

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-17 22:01:00

QUOTE (morocco4ever @ Oct 17 2009, 09:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The thoughts that came to mind on this was either he was prejudice against your husband. The other was his wife has been influencing him. After reading what you have written I tend to think it is the latter. Think about it this way. He used to be okay with the arrangement. But out of the blue he changes his mind? If he was prejudice he would actually be spending more time with the kids. But since he hasn't, and that this has come on just recently, I think she is pushing him in this direction....shame on her.

My suggestion is to keep a diary of his visits. What days he takes them, what time he picks them up, what time he drops them off when he calls for them, and all of the holidays that he doesn't attempt to take them. This will show that he is only taking them to sleep, for obvious reason. I wouldn't tell him you are keeping the diary however. But don't refuse him visitation often. You don't want him to use that against you.

Why can't people think of the kids first? That always amazes me.

Morocco4ever,

I think it's both. First of all, he was SURE my husband came for the green card - he actually said to me "well, anyone can do anything for two years". You should've seen the look on his face when my daughter ran over and told him that he got his green card. He kind of sputtered something about "wow - that was quick". You could tell he couldn't believe that my husband was still around. That was more than 2 years ago. So, I think at first, not only was I not sticking up for myself, but my ex was just waiting until my husband left so he could show how unstable my life was. He was just waiting it out, more or less.

A quick background - I filed for the visa the same day I got my divorce decree. The visa took less than 3 months, which we didn't expect. So, it turns out I was remarried only about 5 months after we signed the PSA. Yeah, it was kind of quick, but I don't regret it at all. I'm very happy, and my kids love their stepfather. See, that's another thing - I think he HATES that they love him. The kids, of course, are happy to see us when we pick them up, and I think it really bugs the ####### outta him that they run to both of us, and hug and kiss us. His predictions about my quick downfall never came to pass.

Oh - his then-girlfriend was staying there almost as soon as I moved out. They started officially living together I think around the time of my marriage (not sure - just noticed things - no one actually told me when she moved in). So, she was in the picture the whole time. I do think she's pushing him about the custody thing because she doesn't like losing out on money every month. My lawyer said if he gets 50/50 (right now he has them about 40% of the time), the child support amount will go down quite a bit. I don't know how much - never checked on it. However, since he makes 6 figures, the child support is enough to cover my mortgage (I don't make much at all), so the amount could be significant. Anyway, unlike me, the new wife LOVES to spend money. I know they've put tens of thousands in his house since I moved out. She likes to shop, get her hair done, etc - all the things I didn't do. So I think he's feeling the pinch, especially since his income might've gone down because of the economy.

So, since she's been around since the beginning, and he's gotten worse and worse, I think it's not JUST her. Also, I remember all the horrible things he's said about my husband (it started as soon as we started talking online - I was still living there with him until the divorce was final)- he's definitely prejudiced. He got mad because the kids were using a few Moroccan words (like aji) and French (bonne nuit) at his house - he told them they weren't allowed to use any more French or Arabic anymore. He refuses to let me get them passports and take them to Morocco to meet their step-family, and won't even give a reason. He did say he'd rather I use the money for their education - but then make it so I had to spend thousands on legal fees.

That's why I think it's all about the money - he doesn't want me to have the kids, but he doesn't make any attempt to spend much time with them - since it doesn't benefit him financially. He only wants them there more if it means saving money on child support. I also think he knows it bothers me, so that's extra incentive.

I have been keeping track of things for years. That's what I'm doing this weekend - printing out and organizing all the information. Good thing I saved the info - it's amazing how much of this stuff I'd forgotten!

Oh, and I've never denied him a single request of time with the kids. He's done it to me, though - and I've only asked a few times when family was coming from out of town (I didn't have any control over when they came, and it happened to fall on his weekends - if it's something I plan, I plan around the kids' schedule). My mother can only afford to come once a year, and this summer, he flat out refused to let me switch weekends or take them for a few hours. She had to completely rearrange her schedule, drive extra hours to come over (and then go back to where she was staying) to see them for a few hours later in the week when they were already with me. Trust me, I'd love to have my children here ALL of the time (I wanted to homeschool them before the divorce), but I try to be fair - and it wouldn't be fair to keep them from their father, or deny him time with them. Since I see them much more often than he does, I try not to take his time away with them. Not only are they here more days, but I'm home when they are for summer, holidays, etc (I'm a teacher). The way the schedule is arranged, he gets credit for 6 days every 2 weeks, but he really only spends 4 days with them (he has extra overnights - because I'm not greedy or a time hog).

You know, part of me wishes I had been a real b1tch during the divorce - dragging things out, taking all his money, keeping the kids more of the time, etc. But I just don't have it in me, and wouldn't feel very good about myself. Plus, I imagine it would've made things SO much harder on the wee ones, having to deal with even more tension and upheaval. I just hope the judge sees it for what it is - I just want the best for my kids, I want them to be ok, and I don't want to lose my house because of all these legal fees. He's welcome to keep the current schedule, which allows him maximum time with the children with minimal disruption in their lives (I mean, technically, he COULD have them an hour or two EVERY evening, but that's not very practical) - and also allows him to pay at least $400/mo less in child support than he should be paying (and that's without switching those overnights to me, which would make him pay more).

GRRRRR

I will ask my lawyer to point out that my ex is getting credit for 2 extra nights by picking them up right before bed once a week, and then dropping them off really early in the morning another day a week. You'd think he'd want to pick them up as early as possible instead of the last minute!

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-17 21:53:00

QUOTE (doodlebugg @ Oct 17 2009, 07:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't have much to add or advice to give but wanted to tell you I feel for you and I hope you can find a way to make things better at least for the kids. My ex is a pure 100% azz but one thing he's never done is threatened to take the kids or get custody. He wouldn't dare because that would mean less time for himself, his numero uno meaning in life. No more going out whenever he wants, having to actually know what grade their in and how they're doing in school. Nope that's not for him.

Doodlebug,

My ex would rather pay a babysitter, or get his wife to watch them. That's really a shame that your ex doesn't have any interest in their lives - here I was, complaining about my ex trying to know about and control everything! Neither situation is ideal, of course....

Why can't people ONLY care about the kids, instead of themselves, or being in charge/making their ex miserable?

I would die for my kids.

venusfire

venusfire503

Female

Morocco

2009-10-17 21:16:00