biggish data

Is it just me being paranoid or this question mildly condescending???

The mere use of the word "desperation".

Not mildly condescending - but positively reeking of it, and resting upon one of the stupidest premises on earth: you are not allowed to love the person who provides for you. Instead, you can only love someone who is a financial burden upon you: a bum.

The deception involved is pretending your wife is a prostitute if she seeks security for herself and her children in a husband. It says a lot about someone that makes these kinds of accusations: we are counseled to avoid nasty, manipulative people. Do not choose them as friends. Do not choose them as work associates. Most of all, do not choose them as a spouse.

Pity the person who marries someone with such a nasty mouth. You only have to read nasty comments. But they have to live with them.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-02-04 21:07:00

logan dude, you're wound too tight, take a deep breath, it will be ok...

Haw! Way too funny. Manipulation 101: painting your target as an angry person, crazy, perverted, etc. Try provoking them and then blame them for it. But you'd have to get me angry, and it isn't going to happen.

all I was saying is I hope their are not a lot of dudes into little teenybopper girls, I am sure there are, just as there are guys who are into animals, or other dudes, (a few of them, I suspect, are on here, ahhah).....bfd.

To be honest I only read a line or two of your entire post, I really am not interested in your thoughts.....

Then you wouldn't be responding to every post, and most especially not with personal attacks. Another lame effort at manipulation...

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-12-07 22:55:00

huh? lol....really? dude I was not putting down or not handling anything or anyone,

Sure you were. You seem to feel obligated to serve your opposition. For example:

Luckily, I hope, there are not a lot of middle aged men pining way for teenagers, Filipina or any nationality.

Obvious for its casting of middle aged men as sick and desperate if they are attracted to what men of all ages are biologically programmed to be attracted to. You "hope" we are "lucky" if they aren't. Why would it be lucky? Why should we hope for men to be different from their genetic programming? You are your own worst enemy with statements like this.

I was thinking common sense would prevail on my response....I was referring to actual relationships, not sal sal sessions, lol.

Two put-downs in this one on behalf of your opposition. First, that "common sense" dictates middle aged men should not be attracted to ideal breeding age females. Common sense dictates that if you want children then it is very stupid to be marrying a middle aged woman. You should be marrying ideal breeding age women like I did. Millions of years' evolution has this common sense built into it by making you attracted to females with the lowest risk of birth defects and the highest probability of successful child-rearing.

The second put-down is the sniping about "sal sal" sessions as opposed to "actual relationships". The defining aspect of a relationship is making a family together, and once again the older a woman is the greater the risk of birth defects and in the end the inability to have children at all.

I see this all the time with men feeling like they have to be ashamed of themselves for being attracted to the women that make the best mothers biologically. Stop doing this. The reason evolution made you attracted to young but sexually mature women is because they are the most fit for offspring. Since that is what by definition creates a family, then it is idiotic to get defensive about it and say the things you have above.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-12-07 21:00:00

I was thinking common sense would prevail on my response...

You can't change millions of years' evolution with one-liner put-downs on people you resent. The more interesting question is not why men of all ages are biologically programmed for attraction to ideal breeding age females - but instead why you can't handle that fact.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-12-07 09:21:00

Luckily, I hope, there are not a lot of middle aged men pining way for teenagers, Filipina or any nationality.

The porn industry demonstrates your hope is delusional.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-12-06 23:10:00

Don't you like young though? Young and ripe, with tight skin and nice buttocks - did you notice how old men have no #### cheeks? - and big muscles and a ####### that can get up and stay up without blue pills?

There's ignorance for you, and also the reason a lot of young Filipinas prefer older men. It's odd to see such childishness in someone presumably of majority age. Because there aren't many this infantile, even in their teens. I never thought twice about age difference at any time of my life. It just never occurred to me as relevant.

Other than ad hominem attacks, do you have a point to share?

Ironic and hypocritical given that all you have done is level childish ad-homs. You are obviously a bigot, and admit to it, so that is not an ad hominem logical fallacy. It's what you are - a bigot about age differences.

You are also ignorant, demonstrated above. So the question is actually most appropriate to yourself. Pity your poor spouse. If you act this way on a public forum I can't imagine what she has to put up with.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-11-27 19:02:00

I just noticed some posters here are automatically in defensive mode about the issue.

People attack an age difference precisely because they want the person they are attacking to get defensive. Once they're on the defensive, they can never recover because the antagonist is going to say "oh look how defensive you are", and keep attacking - in the end hoping to get them extremely emotional and then point out how emotional they are.

It is manipulation 101.

Peter_Pan

I don't like big gaps in age. For some reason, the couple looks desperate to me. You shouldn't contemplate dating someone that could be your father/daughter. It looks obscene. And I am not even taking future children into account.

Better to be thought an ignorant bigot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-11-27 12:04:00

Why would anyone take offense to something an ignorant punk says?

Secondly, what kind of hypocrisy is this saying there is a "hidden agenda" with a man of ANY age wanting a scorching hot wife that knocks herself out for you? I'm supposed to want a fat old hag with a big mouth that sits on her butt all day? :blink:

Talk about retarded. Wear your Filipina hottie on your arm with pride.

A woman who doesn't seek security for her children isn't just stupid. She's irresponsible and a bad mother. There is no need to excuse intelligent behavior. Think what they are implying - that she should marry the guys in her neighborhood that drink, gamble, smoke, and fool around. Because that would be TRUE LOVE, and her malnourished uneducated children can steal food from garbage cans, chewing on it with what few rotting teeth they have.

We definitely have found true lust.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-11-26 18:21:00

Gift ideas

Yeah, they're going to be disappointed if they're expecting an American to bring them Swiss chocolate. Frankly, if Hersey's makes them think I'm cheap I really don't care. My goal isn't to make them think I'm rich. Actually, one of my concerns going in is her relatives trying to mooch off of me, so being labeled cheap may not be a bad thing, haha.

We are the ones responsible for this happening if it does. You are right to worry about coming in showering everyone with gifts and establishing the precedent it is a one-way street.

The extended family model in the Philippines is mutual reciprocity. Your family goes to help the uncle's family to harvest the field; uncles family comes to help build your house. This is exactly what is going on in the minds of everyone in the extended family: I help you...so you help me. This is a wonderful institution, healthy, and productive.

When the foreigner swoops in giving everyone wealth for nothing in return then the incentives are all screwed up. People start to use manipulative guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail to get things from you. (eg you gave him a gift for free, so it is unfair to me unless you give me one too.)

Think about the envy you create when someone gets money for nothing instead of doing something for you to get it. Nobody resents payment for work. People resent a reward given for nothing. So two bits of advice: first is to the extent humanly possible, work within the model of mutual reciprocity. Second, learn to say "no".

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-11-03 13:04:00

Wife Hair loss

Happened to mine too. Eventually it just stopped.

My recommendation is to have sex more frequently. It won't affect the hair loss, but that's unimportant.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-12-21 18:08:00

Restocked momma's sari sari when my brother in-law and his wife slowly kept getting things and not paying for it,

We see this a lot, and as a matter of fact my wife's sister is running a Sari-Sari store with support from a foreign boyfriend right now. It isn't our business to interfere but this is the most likely outcome: letting people take things on credit and letting family or friends just take things without paying. At a minumum though what happens frequently is the family spends the sales revenue instead of buying new stock so the foreigner continually buys the stock and the family keeps the sales proceeds. In that case it isn't a business, just a money-laundering exercise. The business is operating at a net loss because of pilfering and bad credit, in which case it is less expensive to just send them money so you aren't subsidizing the whole neighborhood.

I'm not saying you are in this situation, but it is a good thing to be discussing on this subforum.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-12-22 17:38:00

I was replying to sandranj, kind of off topic I know.

As far as emergencies go, we've had our share but nothing major. We were also sending a small amount monthly for the first couple years until her Dad finally found work. We've also bought 2 pedicabs, a well, and a CR. A lot of that money came from my wife's job when she was working. We send a lot less since Kyle was born.

She sent about P15,000 this Christmas I think.

Sorry! I may have given the impression in the second part of my post about the 4100 that I was responding to you. I was agreeing with your approach in the first part of my post. The second part was regarding the OP giving 4100 for Christmas, although it was unclear if he meant for the operation too.

4100 is either extraordinary, if it is dollars, or ho-hum if pesos.

You guys seem to have it figured out just fine.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-12-20 23:52:00

Dating costs extra money, even internet dating in some cases. When Jena and I started chatting daily and speaking on the phone weekly, there was no way she could afford it without my help. I sent money for phone load, cafe fees and transportation to and from the cafe. It adds up when you do it every day. When we got farther along in the process I sent rent money so she could get a room of her own in the city for a few months. She was already sending 1/2 her paycheck to her parents before I met her. I couldn't ask her to stop doing that to afford the extra expenses she was incurring. Considering our salaries at the time, I think the way we handled it was appropriate.

Sure. Mine was working as a nanny and sari-sari store cashier and sending money to her family. I sent her back home to go to college. So it was reasonable to replace her lost income. But this was after having lived with her for several months in the Philippines already. The chances of getting scammed are far higher in an internet relationship. They also learned from me living with them that I get the receipts. She scanned and emailed them to me. Trust but verify.

Our poster doesn't seem to think clarifying dollars vs pesos is worth the incredible extra effort of typing one more letter. Eg $4100 vs P4100 sent for Christmas. We sent P2250.

Right on ca_babe. One thing a lot of first-timers experience is that after you "solve" a crisis by sending money there's another crisis at your feet before they even have time to say "thank you". We teach them to do this by saying "yes" to emergencies. You'll have nothing but emergencies from then on.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-12-20 15:31:00

I asked 4 times if her parents asked her to ask me for money before she finally said yes

I only need to ask mine questions once.

My fiance did not give me the USD amount, she gave me it in pesos and it did not come to exactly 10k I rounded the numbers.

I wasn't the first person who noticed this and that the amount was extraordinarily high.

I realize from previous experience with you that shape-shifting is the primary feature of your posts so seeing it in this response is no surprise:

If I would not have asked a question the story would have been I'm sad cuz my brother got into an accident today...

unless I ask she doesn't talk about it at all

Maybe it would be good to proof your posts to make sure you don't directly contradict yourself in the same paragraph: she would have told you if you didn't ask, but you have to ask (a lot of times too!) or else she won't tell you. :blink:

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-12-18 18:37:00

That's usually how people find out: "How's the weather there, honey?" "Did your brother have a motorcycle accident today"? "Did your mom's leg get bit off by a crocodile"?

You'll never see the girl showing how sad she is, acting like she doesn't want to say, and then reluctantly telling only because you ask. You'll also never see her saying that the parents want her to ask while explaining that she would never do so. And you'll never see round numbers in American currency like ten thousand.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-12-18 14:20:00

Welcome to the rest of your life.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-12-17 16:46:00

Order of Ceremony for Civil Marriage In USA

Hi Good day everyone! I just want to ask anyone here who has an idea regarding the order of ceremony for civil marriage in the USA. I just want to know the flow of the ceremony so my fiance and I can plan ahead and make the invitation. Thank you.

There isn't much to announce except date, place, and time. If there is a reception, make note of that too. "Civil" can mean anything from a courthouse wedding to an elaborate ceremony. Whatever you want.

We did it with our closest friend as marriage commissioner and one other friend as witness with him. In our cabin, next to the wood stove. You have to get your friend registered as marriage commissioner for a day in order to do it that way. Just fill out the form at the State Bureau of Vital Statistics office. Once those are signed you send it in to the Bureau of Vital Statistics with a fee and you'll get your marriage certificate. Call the State Bureau of Vital Statistics and ask them about getting a marriage license, and go from there.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2013-02-12 23:00:00

Dual Citizenship - Pros & Cons (For Filipinas & Filipinos)

Our main concern is that we want the kids to grow up in a free country. The U.S. is government is following a path to permanent militarism abroad and police state at home. There are some appalling surveys showing less than half of Americans can name the three branches of government now. A smaller proportion knows anything about the bill of rights. The only thing that keeps a government from becoming tyrannical is the people, and ours are blinded by the myth of American Exceptionalism.

It is a very easy process for an Americano to obtain permanent residency in the Philippines based on marriage to a citizen. It is the very kind of proof you need to see how bad the U.S. has become. Because it puts their own citizens and their spouses through this ghastly process when there are tens of millions of illegal immigrants who are not kept out by these immigration laws.

So mine will keep dual citizenship and we'll eventually move over there.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2013-02-23 16:12:00

I was just pointing out that it's part of Philippine law

Thanks!

Because I just demonstrated in the OP that it is not required by any Philippine law. So congratulations for an impressive lack in reading skill.

dave01 by your own standard you continue to cry along with Nature Boy - crying about people who express their opinion when there is nothing you can do about it. So following his advice, it certainly isn't enough for the two of you to get your panties in such a tight wad about. You two complain more about this thread than others do about the CFO requirement.

John and Sol - what ludicrous reasoning. Extrajudicial killings are not an immigration matter. But 100% of us have this CFO requirement. That's why it is a topic here, and I am also the only one who has actually started any threads on the Maguindanao Massacre or the MILF and Philippine government war on Mindanao. Have you ever lifted a finger on those issues you claim to be so much more important? Of course not.

What all of you can congratulate yourselves for though is taking the time to speak out against others who take the time to learn about law or discuss it.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2013-03-05 23:04:00

Wow, what a bunch of cry babies.

So here is a cry baby telling others not to cry.

Except what this cry baby is crying about is other people discussing the merits of government requirements. Or researching their legal basis. This is the antithesis of democracy and freedom of speech of course so it is a bizarre stance for anyone in the free world to be taking.

It really is bizarre to have people so upset by others using their brains and thinking. That's really what this comes down to - an objection to thinking and communicating. We should all just shut up, do as we're told, and not think.

Heh. Not me. You can be as pissed off as you like, but it isn't going to stop me from using my brain.

Edited by rlogan, 05 March 2013 - 06:36 PM.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2013-03-05 18:34:00

Ok then have at it champ. You do realize the CFO sticker has nothing to do with Us law or requirement right ? It is strictly a Philippine requirement

Thanks, Captain Obvious - and I don't need your permission to post.

Who was quoting the Philippine laws you know nothing about? Me, not you. So isn't that hilarious, with you pretending to inform me.

Since we are immigrating Filipinos those laws affect us. Duh. Are you really this infantile with reasoning?

Better to be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt. But hey, by all means keep embarassing yourself.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2013-03-05 18:05:00

Your titling at Windmills Don...

My name is not Don, you can't spell "tilting" correctly, and providing information is hardly "tilting at windmills". The information is not for you. It is for people with minds. There are people on this forum that have them.

You think yourself superior for criticizing people who share information with others on the laws that affect them? I'm not going to stop doing so just because some lazy, ignorant, blindly obedient sheep criticizes me for it. You have no power over me.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2013-03-05 15:56:00

I think an online petition is an inexpensive way to protest this requirement.

I'm not going to respond anymore to people saying it can't be done or they're against others doing something about it. You're on the wrong team, trying to throw cold water and negativity upon something that might be within our power to change by merely signing our name to a petition. I am willing to look into how an online petition could be set up and think about the most efficient way to do it. I think I should poll people first though because my impression is the vast majority of people would rather not be forced to do this. A voluntary program - I have no problem with that. But for us it was a stupid waste of time and money. Maybe I am wrong about how other people feel.

Other productive ideas would be nice, or again if you think I am wrong about the law and can prove why - please do.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-08-08 17:33:00

It would take longer to fight it than go to it

I said that in the OP. So why are you pretending otherwise?

I mean really...half a day and less than $15....whats the big deal after all these other hoops you jump through...

It cost us a lot of extra travel, lodging and food expenses. I said that, which you also ignored, so that it would look unreasonable to do the trifling research I did to bring this to the attention of people affected by it.

What bureacracies like to do is first make their imposition minor, but then gradually make it more onerous. When they started limiting the number of people per day, that was such a classic sign of bureaucratic blackmail that it drew me to inspect the legal basis for the requirement. I've seen this exact ploy many times. The bureacracy gets the people to call for more funding by restricting the number of permits they issue.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-08-08 16:36:00

Agreed but there is little we can do about it.

Well sure, that's the right slave mentality.

The question is one of tactics and costs, not the ability of free people to effect change in government. So if you mean "it's not worth it, well that is simply a matter of individual values and opinions.

One of the first things is educating yourself in the law, which I have underataken here and is already more than most people are willing to do. The strategic concern is whether this is a thing that takes a court filing to undo or whether a congressional representative like my buddy Manny Pacquiao can simply vacate with a resolution. I don't know.

Dave - yea, the regulation says "first time". But ultimately you are in front of a guy with a gun and a badge at the airport, and who knows what he's been told by his superiors.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-08-08 15:42:00

For those who have already been through, or who are about to pay for the revolting CFO seminar, it appears to me that it has no legal basis, and was invented without authority by the Department of Foreign Affairs. You're still going to have to do it because there are armed guards with guns who have been told by their superiors to enforce this phony requirement, but I think we need to spread the word this is a Department that has imposed a tax and restriction upon travel without legal basis and should be abolished. I think it can, certainly much more easily than reversing an Act.

The requirement pretends to be an "implementing regulation" of the Philippines Passport Act of 1996, which can be read in full here:

Philippines Passport Act 1996

Look through that Act and observe there is not ONE WORD about requiring counseling for Philippinos marrying foreigners. The way law works in the Philippines, the legislature can pass an act, like the Passport Act, and direct the Department of Foreign Affairs to come up with "implementing regulations", in this case within 60 days of the Act. But the Department of Foreign Affairs cannot invent some new requirement beyond what the Act allowed. Otherwise any rogue department can simply make up whatever regulations it wants, regardless of what an Act says, and charge whatever fees they feel like charging - making themselves dictators, without any semblance of democracy.

That's what the DFA did here. Despite not one word in the Act requiring any kind of seminar/counseling for fiances or spouses of foreigners, the DFA just wrote it into their implementing regulations without authority. It is contained within D.O. 11-97, the implementing regulations, saying this:

In addition thereto, a Filipino who contracts marriage in the Philippines to a foreigner, shall be required to present a Certificate of Attendance in a Guidance and Counselling Seminar conducted by the CFO when applying for a passport for the first time.

The other important illegal aspect of this requirement is that it represents a tax on certain Philippino citizens without legislative authority: they not only force this "counseling" upon you, but you have to pay them for it. Yet, to date there has been no legislative authority for this tax. The CFO is just doing it because they are getting away with it. They have been pretending that the Philippines Passport Act gave them the power to restrict the rights of immigration for those who are marrying abroad, and impose a tax on them without basis in law.

In short, they invented a regulation to line their pockets with gold from foreign marriages.

I certainly invite someone with a good legal background to steer us to contrary information. I would happily stand corrected. But there is no question the Act they claim to be implementing says nothing about the little baby Filipino citizens being so stupid they need mommy government to counsel them on their marriage to a foreigner.

One very important advice: explaining this to the bureaucrat at the seminar violates the premises of Slavery. A slave never questions authority. A slave never shows he knows more than his master. A Slave cheerfully accepts all orders, thanking the Master for his infinite wisdom and kindness. This is the kind of information, if divulged, guarantees you flunk the seminar. The person in front of you is making their living from this illegal minor oppression. They take a five minute Jeepney trip to work from home. You traveled hundreds of miles by ship, have to stay in a hotel, and eat more expensive food, etc. - spend thousands of pesos in addition to days of your time just to put a few hundred pesos in their pockets. Like a 10:1 ratio of your actual expenses over the wages they extort from you. But that's part of the power trip for them - knowing how much they put you through before arriving at their feet, on your knees for their precious stamp.

I am not familiar enough with Filipino law to understand how regulations in violation of the laws they supposedly implement are reversed. It is obvious that immigrants would rather pay this extortion than mount a court challenge to it and spend a couple of years doing that instead of immigrating and marrying. A class action suit abolishing the regulation and getting our money back plus an apology - I'm down for that. But I would prefer we could send the people that wrote it to a re-education camp run by North Korea.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-08-08 13:36:00

sending money to the family back in the phils

#3 from scanning the multitude of posts on this topic is hardly ever successful.

That's because giving them money is the opposite of them earning it. So it has to be managed, not just dumped on them.

In our case, the father had been unemployed for a long time, but he's a good mason/carpenter. So we built a house together, which basically only cost me the raw materials. Nobody was going to the hairdresser or buying clothes. Every peso had a receipt. Not everyone in the family could be trusted to bring the receipt and the change. So that person does not get cash.

After three months of building I left the father to finish interior work, and they proved trustworthy about money for a few more months. When it was done we put together a resume on the computer, and in a few minutes (from here) I found the lead engineer for a huge construction company. They hired him the next day. He has been continuously employed for almost four years. Now he has power tools that increased his pay, and he's going to be a construction foreman level employee eventually.

Her eldest sibling is completing his first year in Merchant Seaman school, and we're paying the modest tuition. The agreement is that he takes the parents in when they are retired. They already have a house and I'm sure we'll build another one. There is another sibling after that and she has the best opportunities of all because we got to her education matters at age 11. There are horrible schools there, no offense to Filipinos there are horrible schools everywhere or no schools at all even - but you have to tend to their educations.

They were seven people living in a 7' by 11' split bamboo and scrap-board shack four years ago. So it's a success for us, and I know there are a lot of other people too who are not posting but doing the same kinds of things. Out of seven, not everyone is behaving honestly and can't be trusted with money. Everyone else can though, and no family is perfect so we just treat each one according to what kind of trust they have earned.

Edited by rlogan, 07 October 2011 - 12:57 PM.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-10-07 12:56:00

sending money to the family back in the phils

Thank you for everyone’s response! To be honest, in our situation her parents don’t seem too greedy, but the oldest sister living in Cebu is really the bad one who made the very rude comments to my wife about our contributions. She’s extremely controlling, unappreciative, and greedy and she doesn’t even hold a job! She expects my wife (her sister) to make the family live in luxury over there now that my wife is in the USA. I know it’s not an easy life in the Philippines but at some point enough is enough.

People of bad character know very well that money does not grow on trees here and that she is an undeserving leech - so they go on the offensive by calling you cheap for "only" giving 13,000 pesos a month. The best lesson for this one is to cut her off completely.

Hopefully the family will understand and just be appreciative of what we are sending. That’s really all my wife and I want, just some appreciation!

The Filipino model is extended family RECIPROCITY, not one-way giving and one side always in the debt of the other. When it is extended family Filipino-to-Filipino, everyone is immediate neighbors. So uncles and nephews and aunts and nieces are helping each other back and forth. Anyone acting like a leech and doing nothing is ostracized from the family.

But when a daughter leaves for a foreign husband, the reciprocity can be understandably terminated by thousands of miles distance. They can't babysit your kids or work in your business or whatever - and you can fall into the habit of just sending them money with no management of its disbursement and nothing is done in return.

If communication is not clear and if it is not handled right, you can turn the family into professional con-men and thieves by rewarding bad behavior. The most important thing you have to learn is how to say "no". Say no, and say nothing else.

Edited by rlogan, 06 October 2011 - 07:53 PM.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-10-06 19:52:00

Robert...I liked your post and I agreed with most of it. However, I'm not buying the bootstrap theory

I've said nothing about any bootstrap theory and do not profess it. Not offended by it, just don't label me with that. And I will stop calling you a Nazi war criminal.

The people I admire are the guys out there selling one cigarette at a time to the jeepney drivers. The guys pedaling trikes for ten pesos a ride. The girls selling vegetables in the little open markets or carrying buckets of fish around neighborhoods, the guys chopping coconuts and selling by five peso lots for the little cooking fires. The Mr. Beefy Burger attendants. Girls workind rice fields for 70 pesos a day. An endless list of people that are out there doing it while there are others playing majong all day and saying there is no work.

People are working and I admire them for it. They have my respect, and compassion too. Things are harder in the Philippines for sure.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-08-07 17:57:00

This is the only portion of you post I might have a slight 'modification' for. Often, there IS no work available, or the work available really isn't enough for a subsistence life. Hell, I'd be poor in the PHL if I worked in my field there. Except for this little aside, you've synthesized Finance 101 quite nicely!

No problem. I understand what you are trying to say. I debated whether to qualify what I said with this kind of footnote, and decided against it as a matter of principle. Because for me and a lot of other people I see who have the same inclinations - we always find work.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-08-03 20:36:00

A person like her is going to look at a pile of money and think of how to get it all spent right away. Their story will be that they have to because they're poor and have nothing. You have to get them to agree it is the reverse: they are poor and have nothing because they act like that. Do you see how elementary this is? You just threw away all the money I gave you. If I give you more, you will throw that away too. If we keep repeating this little exercise, you could eventually either have a million pesos in the bank or have nothing. The only person responsible for the outcome is you.

A childish way to look at an americano is that he "has money". It does not distinguish between cause and effect. The right way to view it is "he works hard and saves money". It is about what kind of character you have. There are a lot of other things that go into it too. Like being trustworthy, being punctual, speaking clearly and talking in complete sentences, thinking ahead, planning, sacrificing - it requires being honest about the bad decisions and bad intentions of the people around you that you respect and love. When someone says there is no work, you've got to have the guts to acknowledge it is a lie.

She's either going to come down on your side about this, or she isn't. The right way for her to look at this is what kind of cruelty is involved on her part here. Just look at yourself: what it does to you emotionally. It is a kind of terror. You are going along with your well-made plans, so mundane as they are: rent on the first of the month, electric and water on the 15th, and etc. You don't have crises. Suddenly, your world is upside-down. A conveyor belt of emergencies, special circumstances, unforseen expenses etc. Your ability to plan has been stolen from you, and now you fear the future instead of welcoming it as the fruition of hard work and wise planning. You may not completely articulate this to yourself in your mind - it just makes you feel awful. What is going on in your gut is that the logical result of her behavior is impoverishment in the long run. You become like them instead of her becoming like you. They can bleed you dry.

The look on your face and the sound of your voice is going to convey what you are going through. So switch positions: What if you saw her going through the same emotional trauma? You would drop what you were doing and come to her rescue, right? But instead she is not only the one inflicting this pain on you, but she's also punishing you for expressing hurt over her bad behavior. Making you feel guilty about wanting to know where the money went. She might say "I love you", and she might be pretty. But there are a lot of pretty girls who will love you in a different way: when they see you suffering like that they are going to resolve themselves to protect you from ever feeling that way again. Instead of inflicting it upon you again and again.

It came down to self-respect for me. I can't live like that. If they don't show enough love to come down on your side, you have to leave them. Farsider mentioned a book, and that seems like a good idea to me. It may be second-nature to us, so much so that we do not even realize how systematic our planning is. A loving wife will leap at the chance to read such a book and follow the advice in it, because she knows how much better it is going to make you feel.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-08-03 13:46:00

Not a lot of information to go on in this budgeting 101 casefile. The short answer is that you learn to say no. It has to be enforceable. You can't say it and not mean it. Straighten this out before you bring her here or it is going to be a nightmare. If she doesn't cooperate, don't marry her.

Of course you need a calendar with all the due dates for expenses written down upon it, if you are helping her family. They know when they are due, but if you know something is due tomorrow then they can't get away with spending money on a party today with balloons and ice cream for the whole neighborhood. They need to hide bills, especially the biggest ones, and come to you for the money on the day the power or water or internet is being shut off.

Why should she tell you what she spends money on? Then you'd be able to see she spent a whole month's rice budget on one meal at Jollibee.

Try not to use all capital letters there Gizzy, as it is somewhat treated like shouting in internet fora.

Edited by rlogan, 03 August 2011 - 12:43 AM.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-08-03 00:42:00

Did you report the birth of your US born child to the Philippine Government?

What a truly helpful reply...

What can they do you say??

If you ever visit the Philippines with your child and they see that your wife/husdand is a citizen of the Philippines and you are bringing a child they could throw you into jail or deny you entry.

Not that is is likely to happen but it could if you pissed some one off....

-P

We already have. Twice. You've mistaken me for the village idiot.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-06-09 01:36:00

Did you report the birth of your US born child to the Philippine Government?

There isn't anything they can use as extortion to force us, so no we have not.

I realize this is not the correct attitude of an ignorant child ward of the government. We should be showing them our poopies and asking permission to have sex because not every person can handle sex psychologically and sometimes sex is actually abuse (like abuse of a corpse when a young Filipina does an old Americano). So we should get our certificate of completion for counseling each time we take a poopie or have sex.

Edited by rlogan, 08 June 2012 - 03:09 PM.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2012-06-08 15:08:00

they think america is a lolipop land they don't have a clue about our crisis and economy here.if you send them money right after western union they go to jollibee they dont even think about to multiply the money u sent on their own ways..

I feel badly for you, being abused like that.

I have a comment about this alleged belief in the Philippines that money grows on trees here. The people who act that way know it isn't true. It is the same lie a bank robber uses when he steals from banks. He says the banks did not earn the money, or that he is not stealing from "people", but just the robber baron banks.

You should NEVER get defensive and try explaining to people of bad character that you had to work for your money. That's their whole strategy - to put you on the defensive. Don't do it. You have to shine the white heat of truth on THEM and THEIR actions. The answer is "no", we are not going to support your bad behavior.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-11-13 15:55:00

My mother in law has done this to my fiancee numerous occasions where she will wait till the bills are past due and they are threatening to cut off her electricity or water, so she knows my fiancee can't refuse. They know how to play the guilt trip on you. It's calculated and they know how to manipulate her in order to get what they want. My fiancee took a long time to learn this, but she has caught on and doesn't fall for it anymore. She simply ignores their pleas for help and only sends when she feels like it.

The thing a person has to appreciate is how calculatingly evil it is to do this to a daughter. They know exactly what they are doing. Parents are supposed to protect children from harm, not blackmail them.

She would send money back home every week, so her mom can start a business. Every week she would send and her mom would report on things she spent and how the business was doing. She worked all year and finally went home and guess what... there was no business. Money was spent to pay all her parents' debt. She said she cried and cried and decided then that she will never let her family get in the way of her succeeding in life. She packed her bags and left and didn't talk to them for a year.

How awful. She did the right thing. Taking on debt without telling you, but planning on having you pay it is also another classic manipulative trick. You have to tell them that you aren't stupid, and that when they borrowed money their plan all along was to come blackmail you for it.

I also don't quite get how before when they were poor, they to have enough. Now that they are receiving more money, they seem to always run out. lol

The strategy of the leech is to be in a perpetual state of crisis. If you have money in your hands you have to get rid of it quick so that you can blackmail for more.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-11-12 14:15:00

One thing about most Filipinos are, they ask indirectly.

They learn to be manipulative, sure. It rots a person to the core because it is a lie to pretend you are not asking. Being manipulative is much worse than asking openly because not only are you asking for the money, but you are also lying to the person and insulting their intelligence at the same time. You are refusing to accept responsibility for your actions by framing it in a way that lets you deny you are asking.

As an example, the mother-in-law pretended she was "too shy" to say that they didn't have money for the electric bill, so she waited until it was going to be cut off the next day.

The truth is the opposite. Day after day went by with cruel calculation: keep it secret from him so that he doesn't ask why we aren't working to pay the bill we know is coming, or reducing our electric use. Make it an emergency so that he will feel obligated to pay.

My wife had some hard lessons to learn, but she learned them before I married her. She thought that they acted this way because they were poor. It is the opposite: they are poor because they act this way. Getting married is supposed to lift you up in life, not drag me down to your level. It doesn't have anything to do with money. All the money in the world won't change things for you. It has do to with making good decisions day after day and planning instead of making irresponsible decisions and failing to plan.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-11-12 12:13:00

Also, she's tired that the only times they actually call her is to ask money. I think that's one of the things that really hurt her and made her realize everything. She would actually cry about it and made her feel lonely because no one in her family understood what she was going through.

This is extremely important. They DO know what she is going through, but they don't care. So why should she help people that don't care about her?

Good people can do bad things. They can become corrupt, cruel, and manipulative. You have to work this out before she comes to the USA: make it clear that if they try to pull emotional blackmail for money that it will be the end of relations with them.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2011-11-12 10:19:00

Jollibee

Jollibee sucks. Their burgers are disgusting. KFC has way better chicken. Chinook will tell you the same thing.

Well I'm glad you said that first. My wife was a lot less enthusiastic about eating at Jollibee after coming here and learning how to cook hamburgers, chicken, and spaghetti herself.

rlogan

Male

Philippines

2013-03-30 20:44:00