biggish data

Another Intersting thread

What do you think about the study this forum refers to?

http://www.visajourn...h...=100317&hl=

chispas

Female

2007-12-12 14:32:00

QUOTE (Osakeme @ Dec 12 2007, 12:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

We are both Bendelites- Him (Edo state) Me (Delta & Bayelsa states)

Him- lived in Benin, currently lives in Abuja

Me- lived in Ibadan, currently live in NY

Was that too much info

Not at all.
Thanks

chispas

Female

2007-12-12 20:32:00

Sorry my post was short and sharp. I had students walking up behind me and I didn't want them to peer over my shoulders so I closed the screen quickly,

chispas

Female

2007-12-12 12:26:00

QUOTE (Bassi and Zainab @ Dec 12 2007, 07:14 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (HakeemConstance @ Dec 12 2007, 10:13 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Fiance: Oyo State Nigeria

Myself: Georgia

Hey my family lives all over the Atlanta area. My mom is in Stone Mountain. Bassi already knows that he wants to live there and not in Upstate NY. I think the snow and ice storms may have something to do with it.....

Don't blame him for not wanting to live in Upstate NY. When I lived in NYC, I never used to want to go up there either.

chispas

Female

2007-12-12 11:33:00

Wow,
Even though we are all the Sub-Saharan forum, we surely speckle the African map. Still would like to know what the Cross River thing is though

QUOTE (chispas @ Dec 7 2007, 10:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (Queen Jenn @ Dec 7 2007, 10:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well, he kind of lives in two:

Calabar, Cross River State, Nigeria
Lagos, Lagos State, Nigeria

When I visited Cameroon, people used to tell me I looked like "Cross River People" Not sure 100% what that looks like, but they swore I looked like them

QUOTE (idocare @ Dec 7 2007, 10:26 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Imo State

Cheer up amiga.

Gracias

chispas

Female

2007-12-09 22:37:00

QUOTE (Queen Jenn @ Dec 7 2007, 10:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well, he kind of lives in two:

Calabar, Cross River State, Nigeria
Lagos, Lagos State, Nigeria

When I visited Cameroon, people used to tell me I looked like "Cross River People" Not sure 100% what that looks like, but they swore I looked like them

QUOTE (idocare @ Dec 7 2007, 10:26 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Imo State

Cheer up amiga.

chispas

Female

2007-12-08 01:52:00

Buenas Noches Todos:
Lately we've had serious discussions outlining our many challenges and victories during collective Visa Journeys. Lets see how many different towns and villages our SOs represent. Good or Bad lets join OK?

I'll start.

Bonaberi, Littoral, Cameroon

chispas

Female

2007-12-07 23:12:00

how far can you go?

QUOTE (ZeeNusah @ Dec 11 2007, 07:13 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

#######?

Unfortunately I have heard all of this before, not about Nigerian men, but about African men in general and from what I have seen, not only on this board but from my own observations, there are those that would fit this stereotype and those that do not. Why is it the negative stereotype that gets attention?

I wondered the same thing about why the negative stereotypes got so much attention. However while I was working in Africa, I found that many people in the villages lived traditional male-female roles and some actually had more than one wife. A man I befriended, used to help out his wife while she studied in the city and my other friends would say he helped out because he was a "preacher man". Even the women I knew found excuses as to why he helped his wife instead of saying that he was being a partner to his wife.

A question for the husbands

When you and your spouse go to Africa, will you or have you assumed the traditional role, or did/will you continue to help out?

chispas

Female

2007-12-11 11:48:00

how far can you go?

I would normally laugh at this thread, but about 6 months ago my Ghanaian friend whom I've known for 24 years said almost the same things. I was shocked to hear her say that, as she was around when I was married to an "American" man. This time she said, sista, "I asked you if you were sure you wanted to get into your marriage. She then read me a list of must and must not which read like I f***** for life. I was shocked because after 24 years I am finally hearing this from her. She said every African woman knew this and lived with it. American women don't tolerate much. I don't believe that for a minute, because she is wealthy, independent, educated and quite Americanized. What the hell was tolerate anyway?

However, she said she is strong for her girls and the rest doesn't matter. Not sure if she was talking in extremes or just trying to scare me. However, I felt ill to my stomach and thought I was doomed for life. Her final statement was that she owned three houses in Ghana and people respect her. She doesn't want to lose her respect letting her family know her life in the United States. My own big sister gave me that shock.
Peace VJers
Chispas
"

chispas

Female

2007-12-11 02:08:00

Thank You, We've been granted visa

QUOTE (Kofi @ Dec 14 2007, 04:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hello everyone
I have never posted on this site but I have been a regular visitor to the site ever since I filed my wife's I130 petition. Everything that we did right during this one-year ordeal is thanks to this site and the members especially to the sub-saharan forum. Sarah went for her interview December 13th at the embassy in Ghana and I am very happy to say that she was approved for a visa. They asked her to come by the embassy next week to pick up the visa. Thank you all for all the invaluable information provided on how to navigate this difficult journey. God bless
Kofi

Wow

This is awesome. This is a great site for information. Congrats

chispas

Female

2007-12-14 22:36:00

Notebook?

Ooops I forgot to mention the financial evidence. I don't know if anyone else did this, but I blacked out information on my financial papers that I thought could compromise my privacy. The 401K had more information than I wanted to have rolling around USCIS or an embassy so I blacked it out. Not sure if this was good, bad or necessary. I just did it.
Ciao
Chispas

chispas

Female

2007-12-16 23:14:00

Notebook?

QUOTE (Bassi and Zainab @ Dec 16 2007, 08:38 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You sent photocopies of the pictures to the consulate, not the originals?

Yes I did. I had used a digital camera to take the pictures so when i printed them out I printed them on Kodak paper. Actually I had sent so many, my husband said during the interview the officer gave him back a few of them. He did say that the packet that the officer was flipping through was enormous as he had not seen it before I submitted the information.

chispas

Female

2007-12-16 14:22:00

Notebook?

My 2 shillings here. (Disclaimer.... this is just what I did. You don't have to be as ####### as me.)

I put my evidence for the K1 in a 3 ring binder with plastic sleeves. I actually had a table of contents, and then I separated the items by evidence of having met, telephone calls, purchases on the credit cards, correspondence, letters from family members and village chief congratulating us on the engagement then pictures that I took near or at national monuments. Another section was of hotel bills, plane tickets etc. I worked over there for a short while, so I had my work papers, rental receipts and anything to show I was there.

I am a little ####### so I spent a long time organizing everything. When I stored everything in the binder, I photocopied them and labeled each page so that I would not have to remember anything later on. The pictures were copied on to 8.5 x 11 sheets and labeled.

Much success. Chspas

chispas

Female

2007-12-16 01:53:00

APPROVED!!!!!!!

Second person this week who was just reading and used the forum for help. Good new

chispas

Female

2007-12-16 23:46:00

Police Report a thing of the Past

A dance from Cameroon for you both

chispas

Female

2007-12-14 14:19:00

Police Report a thing of the Past

QUOTE (I @ Dec 14 2007, 07:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

IF GOD OPENS A DOOR FOR YOU CAN'T NO DEVIL

IN HELL CAN CLOSE IT!!!!!!!!!

My life took a downward spiral once we learned we had to obtain a Police Report from China. After several failed attempts trying everything from emails to the consulate, embassy, phone calls, faxes you name it we done it. So now I'm getting frustrated

, it has been way to long not to get the police report. Shortly after that I wrote a letter to the NVC stating the effort and difficulty in obtaining a Chinese Police Report. I had my husband write a letter saying he committed no crimes in China, we sent the emails over a months times showing that we have made an effort to get it but we can not. I sent the documents back to the NVC on November 30 with a prayer and belief that the Police Report from China will be waived.I sent it overnight delivery and guess what the mail was misrouted so it did not get to the NVC until Monday December 3.

After nearly 2 months of getting no where my husband finally found someone that said they could help. We were so overjoyed and excited

that we would get the Police report and be able to send the information back to the NVC in a few days once the Police report arrived to me from China.Just in case they still requested it i wanted to have something tangible to give them. A few days later the guy that "said " he wanted to help now says he want $350.00 for his labor plus the cost of the report. $350 is a lot of money for a report and labor. Naturally I prayed about it and the lord said I will be all you need and my word shall not come back void. I told my husband that we will not be using the so called friend in China to get the Police report. He was convinced that the guy was trying to help us. After I told Joshua someone that wants to help would not charge you $350 and I must obey God, after all God spoke that word to me. So we did not bother the guy in China no more. Yesterday someone from the Nigerian Embassy called me and told me that the request was finally being processed but I should give it a few months and be patient. She was very nice and told me to call her from time to time to check the progress. I was happy with that because after 2 months at least she did find the time to call and talk with me. I went to bed last night and prayed a Jabez prayer asking God to Bless me indeed. This morning I awoke with a prayer on my tongue and a real strong urge to call the NVC automated system to see what it will say. To my surprise it said YOUR CASE WAS COMPLETED ON DECEMBER 13, 2007 AND TO ALLOW 6-8 FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS........I just hung the phone up because I was in shock. Immediately i went into screaming and praising the name of the Lord. I danced a while in my house all by my self

. God Is Good and his mercy endureth forever.

I want to know what Do we do now do we wait for someone to tell us when to go for the medical or do we make our own appointment?
How long does the medical results last?
Is there anymore paperwork involved and how should we prepare for the interview.
I just want to be prepared since we waited so long for this trial to be over and I certainly Thank God that he gave us the strength to Endure this test. God Bless you all that have shared a prayer,a word of encouragement, or any advice. When God has a blessing with your name on it. NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND I LOVE YOU,

JOSHUA AND SHAREE

Woot woot. Good legwork.

I personally would wait to see we are told to go for the medical. I don't trust that the Embassy or USCIS wouldn't change the venues without prior notice. However, it may not be a bad idea to scope out the currently clinics they use and prepare for it.

chispas

Female

2007-12-14 10:59:00

Yay!!!! We're approved!!!! :D

Blessings and Luck for you and lucky

chispas

Female

2007-12-16 01:56:00

Evidence for Interview

[/quote]

Okay, so I asked Bassi and he has no idea what I do. This is how the conversation went...Z: what is my occupation? B: what do you mean? Z: what do I do? what is my job? B: you work in an office. Z: yeah, but doing what? B: office work. Z: yeah, okay, but do you know what I do, like my field of work? B: you need training to work in an office? Z: Bassi, don't be nasty. B: okay, tell me what you do and I'll remember, I promise baby. [sigh]

What else should he know like the back of his hand?
[/quote]

I have to just share with you that I have been laughing at your post uncontrollably. The dialogue markers just brings the whole conversation to life.

Chispas

chispas

Female

2007-12-17 21:43:00

Evidence for Interview

QUOTE (Boaz @ Dec 12 2007, 02:47 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

ecause now the goal is proving that since you have met, you now have an "on going" relationship.

Overall your focus should now be on compiling documents of your relationship since the petition was submitted and approved (hence - "on going" relationship). In addition to what I've mentioned, please do keep in mind that the more proof you can provide, the better things will probably be at the embassy.

Hope this helps.

Boaz

Ditto

chispas

Female

2007-12-16 14:26:00

African Video

QUOTE (Sylvia_n_Joseph @ Dec 18 2007, 06:21 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Interesting but I dare to say that is not country . It is community center line dance gone bad. You have to have hat and jeans and boots and some twang to your music to be country. I know I have my own F350 dually for my girly truck complete with hat and boots and horse trailer.

You said it .

chispas

Female

2007-12-19 17:41:00

African Video

QUOTE (Nixz_Chi @ Dec 17 2007, 11:51 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I love these types of video....

Here's another one with some little boys dancing...I don't know how to embed it though...

chispas

Female

2007-12-17 15:38:00

African Video

Mornin' Fellow Subsaharans.

This weekend I was messing around on YouTube and came across a song that was the hit back in 2004 when I was in Africa. Everywhere I went, I heard this tune playing and people were dancing it like crazy. This song has now become a popular Country and Western line dance. My African friends cringe each time they see it being dance, so I just had to share it here too. Enjoy

This is the Country Line Dance version

chispas

Female

2007-12-17 14:22:00

QUOTE (ose_n_me @ Dec 18 2007, 07:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (Sylvia_n_Joseph @ Dec 18 2007, 01:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No need to break it down to days and hours and such the years is a big enough number. I am 12 years older than him and he is Nigerian and the oldest son. But the family is ok with it. I guess they are happy that he is finially marrying. I feel like someone should be handing me the cougar award.

YAYYYY!! Another cougar! I am 10 years older than my husband. I'm 42 and he's 32. But the funny thing is, i am extremely young at heart. Don't feel or look my age. And i call him "an old soul" cuz we are absolutely perfect together. He is also the oldest of 9 children. His family had no problems with me(being white), my age or the fact i had children. Matter of fact when my 12yr old son and i lived there in Nigeria for 3 months, we were welcomed with open arms into his family. My son called his parents grandpa and grandma, and i call them mom and dad. And i am very close with his brothers and sisters, talking to them online regularly. I am truly blessed!

Growl....

chispas

Female

2007-12-19 01:12:00

QUOTE (Queen Jenn @ Dec 18 2007, 10:57 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I am not quite 3 years older than him. I know that marrying an older woman can be a problem for some Nigerian men. I know one who was dating a girl who was several years older than him and his mother HAD A FIT. Even though he said he really loved this girl, he eventually found someone else (who, btw, is younger).
But my SO loves me and the age difference isn't an issue for us.

I took an African studies class in undergrad and that was a hot topic of discussion among the class and the foreign students. I was one of the foreign students at the time, and I too thought it was gross to marry a woman older you. Of course I was 20 years old and would not have touched a man too much older than me either. Anyway, most of the foreign born men were insistent that it was not right to marry an older woman especially if she already had children. Needless to say some of these same bastards didn't mind going out with an older woman for fun, they just wouldn't marry one. I felt they would marry a younger woman for children and to please the family and love really wasn't a requirement. Just my one of my many experiences after being on Earth so many years. LOL

chispas

Female

2007-12-18 15:16:00

QUOTE (stevi1123 @ Dec 18 2007, 09:21 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I am 8.5 years older than my fiance. Ironically, I was engaged years ago to a Nigerian man whose tribe was adamantly against the marriage of a woman who is older than the man.

Subsequently, God intervened and had other plans for me, because the man I am engaged to marry now, years later, embraces and cherishes every aspect of me, and I cannot put into words how much I love that man.

I understand what you are saying totally. I have a friend whose family insisted that he marry a girl younger than he is. Subsequently he married a girl 15 years younger than himself so she could give him babies. Needless to say, now she wants to partay and doesn't.

chispas

Female

2007-12-18 13:54:00

I am one year older.

chispas

Female

2007-12-18 13:52:00

Merry Christmas Video

Just like all families we agree or disagree, group together or laugh together then cry. Some of us are with our SO while others are still waiting to join theirs. Others have joined theirs, but are still waiting for their lives to mesh. Lastly once meshed, many are waiting to now undo what has been joined together. But no matter what point on life's journey we find ourselves , in true VJ fashion I would like us all to come together in wishing all a very Merry Christmas. May these season bring you true joy.

chispas

Female

2007-12-25 03:11:00

Please be honest with me...

QUOTE (Frank+Jocelyn @ Dec 23 2007, 04:05 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

However...
It is always better to maintain very shallow relationships with the people at work. An workplace puts people together in relationships that would never exist otherwise. We choose our friends very carefully, but don't usually have a choice with our coworkers. People generally cooperate and act friendly at work because it is necessary. But make no mistake, most of these people are not your friends even if they do give you a Christmas card.

We all love to talk about our spouse and kids. Avoid the temptation to do this at work. I know it is hard, but you will have much less drama if you keep your personal business at home. I don't mean you shouldn't have pictures of your husband or kids on your desk. But try to resist any conversations that are not superficial. It sounds like you do work with a racist. This should not surprise you since there are plenty of them out there.

Well said!

chispas

Female

2007-12-23 22:25:00

Please be honest with me...

Hello to all.

Yes, you are correct in questioning whether this difference has to do with the age of the people in question. People of all ages and races do have their own preferences and ideas about "everything" and nothing at all. Just like my answer today is just one person's view in tens of millions of people, women, blacks and 40+. In my own personal experience I found that my sisters and I thought my mother and her sisters were closed minded when it came to race. As my mother thought her mother was too because my grandmother was of mixed race and she married the blackest man (my grandfather) that she could find.

I could say that most black women in their seventies don't trust whites, but that would be inaccurate. To say that many black women in their seventies lived through Jim Crow laws and still remember those effects would be more accurate. But leaving sweeping generalities behind, one would have to consider too many variables (income, education, geographic location, etc) to come up with a definitive answer. So in the meantime consider yourself more enlightened and brush that experience to one side. If they don't pay rent in your brain, don't give them space to infiltrate it. Keep on rolling girl.
Chispas

chispas

Female

2007-12-23 17:21:00

Does faith in God insure successful marriage?

I believe if both believe in God and His greatness, there may be avenues for discourse not necessary a successful marriage

chispas

Female

2007-12-26 13:27:00

Received notification, not good

QUOTE (typee0 @ Dec 24 2007, 05:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi I am new, to this site. I need to know what to do. I finally received a response after filing for my so to come to US as a fiance. My point is I sent the packet to California Service Ctr and I am in Illinois. The response that was sent that it was the wrong service center. I called the 800 number and was told it was just a human error. What a response!!! I was told to resubmit as if it was the first time all over again. Does anyone agree and/or been through this scenerio.

Welcome to the board and Merry Christmas and hope you get quick responses to your question. I'd call again to speak to a different person to find out what exactly the human error was. I'd try to track that sucker down and see if it was forwarded to the right service center or is it coming back to you. All else fails, hopefully you have copies of everything sent!

Edited by chispas, 25 December 2007 - 02:49 AM.

chispas

Female

2007-12-25 02:48:00

All-Encompassing Love

True dat. Merry Christmas

chispas

Female

2007-12-24 12:13:00

Be Thankful for what we have.

Amen

chispas

Female

2007-12-24 12:12:00

QUOTE (Mr. Big Dog @ Dec 26 2007, 05:20 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (Bassi and Zainab @ Dec 18 2007, 08:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

When talking about finances for those of you who have your spouses here now from Africa, how is it going?

I'm curious because Bassi's world is pay as you go and my world is the world of credit.

We have a mortgage but other than that, we're a pay as you go couple. Neither one of us believes in racking up credit card debt or somesuch. We're looking to buy another car soon - we have already saved up for it. My philosophy is that if we can afford monthly payments, then we may as well start making those payments into the savings account until we have the balance to buy a car with cash. we're just waiting for the consumer spending to take a nose-dive once people get the Christmas credit card bills. When the dealers get desperate to sell anything at all, then we'll go hunt.

Great strategy and cudos to you both for sticking to it.

chispas

Female

2007-12-26 21:40:00

QUOTE (Bassi and Zainab @ Dec 20 2007, 10:43 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

QUOTE (Boaz @ Dec 19 2007, 09:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Below are excerpts of a response I gave about a year ago to a similar post. At the end of the day, I strongly encourage everyone to be sure their SO is involved. You would be suprise at the things we believe to be common sense, but to them it's like trying to solve an Algebraic problem, with a 2nd grade education. My husband is now approaching two years of life here in the USA. His understanding of money is greatly improving. For the most part, he thinks twice before spending. However, he is a bit of a scary cat when it comes to investing in the stock market. But oh well ... overall we keep each other balanced.

Hope this helps ....

As for the Finance ... After explaining to my husband for several months the bills, when they are due, etc. I finally came up with an alternative other than a verbal explanation. Here it goes:

#1) Write out on a sheet of paper EVERY bill that you have. For example:

Name of the bill Ex: Phone Bill
The amount due: $$$
When it is due

THEN ....

For revolving accounts try this:
Name of the Bill
The minimum amount due: $$
When it is due:
Then at the bottom put in parenthesis () the total balance.

Then attach the original of every bill. Take the time to highlight the important things .... Company name, account #, due date, total balance, etc., etc. Be prepared to due this for several months cycle of bills.

That way he 'sees' what is going on. It also helps him to understand how a $100 pair of shoes can go towards paying off the balance on a card.

#2) Make a budget and stick with it. In the meantime, make him responsible for paying a bill (this works whether you have a joint account or not). And if a bill is not paid, be sure that he understands that their is a consequence. Here is a situation that we experienced shortly after my husband arrived.

I was teaching him how to write checks. His job was to write the check for the utility bill and place it in the mail. Because I have already shown him what to do, I took it that everything was done. For some odd reason my husband wrote the check (just as I told him) and DID NOT put the check in the mail! So when the next bill came, it showed that we owed the previous months bill, plus a late fee. Guess what? When my husband was getting prepared for our Friday night date to the movies I explained to him that we do not have the money to do such. Why? The late fee we had to pay (no more than $5.00) had to be taken away from our movie money. Not only did he learn a lesson, but he wants to pay the bills as soon as it arrives.

Thanks for sharing this. I'm marking this post, cause I don't want to lose the information.

Maybe you can give me a little advice on what Bassi and I have talked about. I happen to hate doing bills and have a major aversion to it. My mother did it for the longest after I divorced my first husband, because she was an accountant. But she's gone blind now, so I have to be a grown up and do it myself. Bassi and I have discussed sitting down every two weeks and doing our budget and paying our bills together. I only picked every two weeks because I get paid every two weeks. So that we share the responsibility and we both know what is going on. I figure at those sessions we'll have basic bill paying to do, but we'll also have to eventually discuss things like retirement accounts (I have two but he has none cause he isn't here yet.) and college savings and emergency savings and stuff like that. Chispas mentioned crown financial and I know there are other God centered programs like that that could serve as a guide for us (anyone know of any muslim financial management programs?) and I also have a couple of Suze Orman books to serve as a compass. I think it's at least a start and a structure for us to work within. We haven't talked much about bank accounts and stuff like that. I could put him on my account or we could open a new account together. He doesn't have one in Ghana.

What do ya'll think?

Suze Ormon is great. One thing you may want to consider is spoon feeding him the information so that he does not feel overwhelmed by everything. Like Boaz indicated, highlight the important things. Also try and make it fun. (snicker snicker sneaky look)

chispas

Female

2007-12-21 15:30:00

Without going into too many details, we joined a financial group at Church. It is called Crown Financial. After much struggles, I decided to go through this option because it was a Christian approach to finances and not a wife telling her husband what to do and how to spend the money. I live in Calfornia, and a prenup would have been great because I stand to loose 1/2 of my assets in a divorce and pick up 1/2 of the debt that I did not create. Not great, but at least my children would have been protected. I was against doing a prenup and felt that I trusted my husband 100% with everything. Also I felt the prenup would have set a negative financial tone for the relationship and I didn't want that. However, my personal friend's husband and her made one and they are both happy they did it. What they build together is theirs together and what he inherited he shares with her and vise versa.

However, going from cash and carry to a credit society can be daunting because the understanding is that if I have $50.00 in my pocket, then I have 50 to use on anything I want rather than save for car emergencies, credit cards, doctor office co-pays, etc etc.

One abstract concept is the 401k and tax returns. Try to explain that one!

chispas

Female

2007-12-19 14:15:00

Hola again amigos and amigas
Right before I got married, a coworker, whose husband is an immigration lawyer, to sIt's hard enough managing money alone. Throw in another person and financial sparks will fly -- but these 24 tips can help.

MSN Money staff
Thinking of marriage? Prepare to bare your financial soul. Experts agree that couples need to talk about money -- the sooner, the better.

Before you get to 'I do'
Consider a prenuptial agreement. It's not just a document detailing how to split the assets after a divorce. It can absolve you of your spouse's debts, maintain assets for children from a previous marriage, keep a family business intact and ensure that the family home stays in the family. (See "Do you need a prenup?")

Bring up the idea of a prenup as soon as the relationship gets serious. It can help clarify each other's circumstances and goals.

Allow at least three months before the wedding to work out the details. A valid prenup involves lawyers and full financial disclosure. (See "The prenup problem.")

Most prenups provide that whatever property or debts you bring to the marriage will remain yours if the marriage dissolves. They also protect what you don't have yet, including property you expect to inherit.

No state will allow you to waive child support, dictate child custody or otherwise impinge on the rights of your children.

Getting through 'I do'
With the average cost of an American wedding nearing $30,000, there's a lot to talk about. Even if your parents are paying part of the cost, you might have to let go of some dreams, including the one calling for a perfect wedding. (See "Your fantasy wedding for less cash.")

Lay down a budget and stick to it. Write it down so there's no question.

Pay for your priorities. Decide what's most important to you and do everything else on the cheap.

Take half-measures. Rather than a full reception, have a desserts-only affair. Instead of a full bar, offer beer and wine.

Do your friends and family a favor and register for gifts in multiple price ranges. Today's bridal registries include outdoor gear, jewelry, wine and home-office supplies. (See "13 thoughtful, offbeat wedding gift ideas.")

Get married in spring or fall and enjoy the lower off-season rates. Not only will venues be less expensive, but you'll score off-season travel rates for your honeymoon.

Don't let the honeymoon break your budget, either. Sign up with a honeymoon registry that lets guests buy portions of your honeymoon in increments. Consider a honeymoon close to home or bid on a trip in an online travel auction.

Weddings can be costly even if you're not the bride or groom. For members of the wedding party and guests, there are ways to stay within your budget.

Give what you can afford, based on your relationship with the couple.

For bridesmaids, the dresses alone can be a nightmare. Ask if you can rent the dress or use one you already own. (See "The bridesmaid's survival guide.")

Creativity and thoughtfulness ultimately go further than cash. The key is to personalize the gift. (See "6 ways to cut costs on wedding gifts.")

The honeymoon's over
Money and the expectations we bring with it become sources of friction for many couples. Even if you've married your financial opposite (and many of us do), you need to find a way to financially coexist. (See "Why we fight over money.")

If you didn't have the money talk before the wedding, have it now. Get down to details when you discuss your lifestyle and your goals. (See "5 steps to wedded wallets.")

Ask your mate about his or her financial upbringing -- and be willing to explore your own.

Pick a good time to talk about money -- not at meals, right before bedtime or when inebriating substances are flowing.

Once you're on the same financial wavelength, figure out where your money goes. Then set some goals, such as saving for retirement, paying off debt, preparing for children or buying a house. (See "Should newlyweds buy a house?")

Set up a budget. Even if you had one when you were single, you need a new one that includes both incomes, debts and bills. (See "Budget your way to smarter spending.")

Decide whether to use joint or separate accounts or consider having "yours," "mine" and "ours" accounts. Experts agree that if a couple can't share their money in a checking account, it's probably a signal that something's wrong in the relationship. (See "Love, honor and a shared bank account.")

If one of you brought debt into the marriage, it becomes a problem for both of you. Work together to figure out a plan to pay it off. But don't officially commingle your debt; keep existing credit card and loan accounts in the original holder's name. (See "Take control of your debt.")

Update your paperwork, including wills, 401(k) beneficiaries, life insurance policies and the withholding amount on your income taxes. (See "Marriage means updating vital papers.")

Assess your emergency fund. Every couple should have enough money to cover three to six months worth of living expenses.

Happily ever after?
Once you're cruising along on a shared plan, you'll need to pay attention to keep your financial boat afloat.

Put yourself in each person's shoes. If one person is generally responsible for the budget and the other does the purchasing, switch roles every three to six months. This way, both partners know your financial situation.

Don't begrudge your spouse small indulgences, but do agree to consult each other on big-ticket items. Put a dollar amount on what constitutes a big-ticket item now, so there's no question later.

Don't keep money secrets.

And finally, don't criticize your spouse about money in front of others. Ever.

Published Nov. 6, 2007

uggested I get a prenup and follow some simple guidelines before marriage. Of course I didn't follow it, but I read an article today which is similar to what she outlined. Hope you find it good reading.

chispas

Female

2007-12-18 15:59:00

What Do You Think

Bensa.....
If he wanted the ring to "pretend" he was still married, he could have gone to Zales and bought one for little or nothing. I am sure they have some for $29 on sale. So this leads me to think that he saw it as a financial gain in some way.

On another note, just wanted to let my fellow VJers know that my cursor jumps around my laptop screen when I type causing my messages to appear "funky" at times. Dell comes out today to change my motherboard so we'll see if this helps. Sorry for the illegible posts sometimes.

chispas

Female

2007-12-28 13:01:00

What Do You Think

QUOTE (unononehigher @ Dec 27 2007, 12:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

And for the record, "his people" knows exactly how he is, they knew him before you even came into his life. So he can paint himself with bold colours to them if he wants to, they know that he is truly a "pastel pink" on the inside.

I agree with the above response. He is trying to save face and had to come up with an excuse for not being married. What makes me think this is that he wasn't even creative in his reasoning for the divorce. He chose and answer that he felt his family would accept and relate to. He stuffed the square peg in the round hole and I am sure they can see the splinters flying. Heck who knows, maybe some chick will use him while he's there. He now wears the scent of American dollars, and that makes him ripe for the pickins.

(nany-nany boo-boo to him)

chispas

Female

2007-12-28 05:21:00