Forum	Title	Content	Member	Sex	Country	Date/Time
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Mao, the thing is...if he didnt do this to YOU my friend...I would in all honesty talking to him and supporting the counsel the elders are giving him becauase of that love i have my brother and the heart I saw that he had...remember when he heard of my story how he felt really bad for me? Altho It baffles me how he doesnt reconcile what he heard of my issue with what hes done to u. but because you are my friend and sister and having been in your shoes I cant emotionaly detach myself from the outrage and injustice. there are two sides to every story but sometimes u lose by default...for instance...when yr driving without a licence and altho being the victim of another drivers carelessnes...once the cop knows yr not licenced...its yr fault cause u shouldnt have been on the road in the first place..u are not the spiritual head of that family...u dont bear the full burdon of this infidelity he does...he is held accountable as Adam was for his mistake...altho eve instigated it and althou adam and eve both suffered...it was Adam who was held accountable for all the worlds descent into futility.."thru ONE MAN sinned into the world." Having said that i feel so bad for your husband that he is such an idiot! I love my brother still...cause i know the good he could have chosen to do and if he prayed for the strentght and relied on God he would have taken reign of his family and become a pillar in the congregation..and he would have made my friend and sister happy and she would have inturn made him happy....but alas. smh...another one bites the dust...this men dont relize they disappoint not only the wife and family but cause many to be disheartened and add to the overwhelming distress that we feel everday in this worlds downworld spiral. If I could talk to him I would tell him to really rely and draw close to Jehovah and understand why this is very wrong..where did it start..even if back to lagos with the other foolish doubled life friends that covered for eachother while growing up...and man up and take responsibility....there is a saying i love..."a man can fall many times but is not a failure until he blames someone else for pushing him" I would tell him to make the steps to set his path straight and remind him of the reward for doing so..not only iwth God but with his beautiful wife who only needs to know u love her with your actions...for her to be inspired to be the woman u want her to be. So many blessing...my brother if u can get it together. Not an easy road ahead if u do...its worth it. Having said that Mao...i know the reality...some people just dont have it in them to b all that they can b. I love u sis...and like I said whatever u choose im here...whether its as two single women hitting the dance floor when i visit woohoo! or joinging my sis AND brother for fun filled dinner out..this is yr life im only along for the ride LOL Thank you Efiado! You know us the best. It feels good to know that whatever I decide, you are ready to party! I know you will find true love when you're ready to have it in your life. Love you!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-19 17:58:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Your post almost brought me to tears as it reminds me so much of me. My husband and i have gone through it all since he has been her and i have found out so many things that bothered me. I didn't have to go searchign for anything, infact, i had no suspicion, he openly admitted them to me because he wanted to come clean some of which were so devastating. I tried but i had lost my trust and so i was sure that he had used me to get here, sure that it was all a mistake, sure that he was planning to leave eventually. I searched, and searched for evidence. Everytime i searched i convinced myself that if i found definte proof that i would surely leave him but i never found any definite proof of anything. I could not, would not send him back home becuase he my daughter's father and she loves him and he adores her. To see them together brings tears to my eyes. The thing is, that distrust showed and it became so bad that every word he said was a lie to me. It affected me, him and most importantly our daughter. I am learning though that if we are going to make th is work, i am going to have to forgive and learn to trust him again. My husband does not go anywhere. He works, he comes home, that is all he does. He is not good at housekeeping but he will cook sometimes. My constant questioning and accusing made him angry sometimes but he never really pushed back and i think it hurt him. I am not saying that what he did was right but my reaction was normal but hurtfull. I take responsibility for that. It takes two to make a marriage work or not work. I am learning that. There were red flags for me but i ignored them mostly because he was not someone i had just met, we grew up together and he was my first love, first boyfriend etc. Hello MrsRowe, I remember you from a while back when I was in the filing process. Your statement says it all about you and your husband having gone through it all! I can only imagine and can certainly empathize as well as sympathize with you. I know it is twice as hard when there are children involved that are a part of both of you. I pray that things will get better for you both so that you can enjoy one another. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It's important to know that if the love is genuine, there is nothing you too cannot overcome! . Thanks	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-19 17:56:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	@ MAO36.... Unfortunately there is so much poverty in 3rd world countries, therefore people do very desperate things. That includes marrying(scamming) people into marriages, even though they are not attracted to them, or love them. I read about 3 pages of the thread and I was hoping someone would mention this. The reason your husband is not seeking a divorce is not because he sees some future with you. Based on how's he's acting, I guarantee he's in it for the following reasons: 1) Citizenship. He can get it in 3 years, instead of having to wait for 5 if he divorces you now. 2) Citizenship. He can get it in 3 years, instead of having to wait for 5 if he divorces you now. 3) Citizenship. He can get it in 3 years, instead of having to wait for 5 if he divorces you now. I have a friend (south african) who is 28 and married a 47 year old woman. He pretty much scammed her into marriage and says he's not at all attracted to her. I asked him why he won't divorce her, and he said it would be stupid to do so now. If he waits it out, he can get his citizenship in 2 more years. She also cosigned on some school loans for him etc. Hello Curve! Thanks for figuring things out for me so quickly! Summing it up in a few simple lines lol! The truth is everything has been signed sealed & delivered. His 10 year greencard has been issued. He could leave anytime he would like. This man had to be reminded to file for adjustment of status and removal of conditions. He as never been in tuned with the whole immigration procedures without my help. Also, I never said we spoke about getting a divorce. I'll be sure to let you know if he refuses shall it go that way though! I honestly have felt and experienced some wonderful times with my husband. I think it was two-fold with him. Yes, he wanted to get out of of poverty and yes, he grew to love me in his own nigerian way, but was not ready for a ready made family. Newly married, with 3 stepkids which he pays for their health insurance, takes them to the doctor, provides food for them and contributes to the household bills. He has told me it takes a lot for a nigerian man to support another man's kids but he has done so. If I didn't think my husband loved me, I would not be wasting my time discussing my private life with strangers. I have seen his love in action. He cooks for me, we hang out like kids do, we cut-up , we laugh and unfortunately we fight. I'm sorry about your friend and please offer my sincerest apologies to her. Thank you for your opinion, I'll keep it in mind. Thank goodness, I have never been asked to co-sign for his car loan or student loan. He handled his finances on his own. That would of been devastating!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-19 17:49:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	I stayed on the fence for 8 LONG months. And yes there were other women I found out about. 8 over a 7 year period. But I am not a quitter, and I felt I had to try everything in my ability to make my relationship work. I also live my life by will I have regrets...One thing that helped me was making lists, positives of staying vs. negs; what he would have to do to make me feel safe in our relationship if I stayed. And who cares if you look controlling; he screwed up HUGE. If he is not willing to let you have enough control to make you know tha the is not doing it again then that will show you he doesn't love you enough. I think though that you have already made up your mind. I am fairly sure that you feel you can't stay with him. If that is so then just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Sometimes we feel we have to save face in front of our family & friends, sometimes we are scared to get hurt again. Just make sure you reasoning is that you no longer love him & never can. God bless you & keep praying, He will tell you what you are to do if He hasn't already. You are absolutely right. Why should I care if he feels this is controlling! I need all the passwords, phones need to be laid on the table at night, I need to meet your friends. You are so right, this shouldn't feel like an invasion of privacy but more like married people. Thanks for clearing that right up.	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-18 21:37:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Apart from bible guidance I have read about the love bank and depositing love units. It is a very nice concept that really gives married couples some tools to use to repair and maintain a happy marriage. I hope things will work out for you MAO I am rooting for you wichever way you choose! Thank you Dee, it's ironic that I was just telling my Husband about you last week or so and explaining how you forgave yor husband for his infidelities and you both are working hard at restoring your marraige. No wonder he seemed so intrigued. I also remember asking him some weeks ago if he would forgive me if I cheated twice? He looked down and said, yes, maybe. I thought it was peculiar but now it makese sense. He knew that he would be the one needing forgiveness. I'm glad you have heard about the love bank book. Thanks for the feedback. You inspire me.	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-18 21:30:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Interesting observation Sam. I havent been able to bring myself to write anything mao. Everything i have to say i express to u personally. but this is heartbreaking. but again I take my cue from u. Ill stand by yr stand whichever direction u choose and as long as u do all with mercy and no retaliation in mind u have Jehovahs backing too. but i think also...that no one can condemn u for any anger u may be feeling. Im sure God understands..just dont go popping any tires and keying his car , yll be a'ite:D Efiado! Everyone, this is the person who knows me and my husband. She has spoken to him on the phone on many occasions and she knows the most about how my husband and I interact. We talk on the phone almost everyday. Believe it or not, based on her dealings with us she always feels that he loves me. Efiado has heard my side and has heard his side many of nights and she concluded that there is love there. I'm not sure how you feel now Sis, but you have told me no matter what I decide that you will support my decisions. Thanks for sitting on the phone with me until 2am while I fill your ears with issues, knowing you have your own. Efiado actually likes my husband, she may not now but she did.	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-18 21:27:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Forgive this man & "genuinely" reconcile with him unless you have other reasons to move on. A guy that kept his cool even after you called him names in a country he had nobody to call a friend...don't throw away the baby with the bath water. At least let it be on record that you forgave and he just couldn't change. I think you can be very difficult when you want to and also very loving. I feel you have a man who avoids confrontation with you in every way he can and this may have landed him in this mess. There is still hope for you guys. Sam! Do you know me? you have described me to a tee. I can be borderline psychotic but it's only when you play me. I promise you I just don't wake up and start fliiping out because I hate life. IMy friends will tell you I am a ride or die friend to the end. I have your back whenever you need me and want nothing back in return. What ignites my fire is when you take me for granted. When you know you are up to no good but you find a way to justify your wrongdoings. I really hate that. No, I don't have any other reason not to take him back. He needs to show me unconditionally that he wants me back for all the right reasons. he needs to assume his position as the head. How can you be respected when eveything is built on lies? you expect me to be this magnificent women when I'm getting the worst of you. I do love him and I wish things could be wonderful but I'm afraid. Afraid to waste anymore of my precious time. You are right he does avoid confrontations with me? Is it because he knows he's wrong? At some point mature adults have to sit down and discuss matters, whether we want to or not. Noone should feel marriage is a piece of cake, please don't think that, it's hard work. If he loves me then he has to get himself together for all the right reasons, show a repentant heart and give up those gross sins he committed. I welcome your feedback and don't feel like you have to hold anything back. I'm a big girl and take take the heat. Thanks again!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-18 21:22:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Mao I have been keeping up with this thread, and hoping all turn out good. Your post has left me dumpfounded. In relationship we unconciously keepclose tabs on how well our partners are meeting our emotional needs.I honestly think its time for both of you to analyze your emotional bank accounts( Love Bank). When you were married, you and your spouse both promised to care for each other, and you expected that care from each other. You were in love, and you were highly motivated to make each other happy. I think its time MAO critically analyze the situation - think through with both your head and heart and choose a path that best suits you. If its a path towards forgiveness - Both of you MUST build on INTIMACY, go back the basics of love. You will only obtain that feeling when your spouse has deposited enough love units into his or her account in your Love Bank to trigger that reaction. As you care and protect each other, trust will build again. This path is tough and for trust to build CHANGE in behaviour must occur in both of you. If you decide to walk away, we would understand because no one deserves the betrayal of infidelity. I would also like to recommend this books - Total Forgiveness by R.T. kendall The 5 love Needs of men and Women by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg Shefellfromheaven! Thank you for your input! I will look for those books this weekend as well. If only I could honestly feel that he was truly in love with me from the beginning or was it the greencard? was it the ticket out of poverty? When he was in africa waiting to come over, he called everyday, he told me how much he loved me and how he would be the man of the house, the man of my dreams, the man I deserved but instead he has lied so much. What happened to all those sweet tender words, those love emails filled with expressions of fire and desire? Yes he fell in love but it wasn't with me it was with America. He told me that he is so, so so sorry for what he did and that he wants me to please forgive him. Someone mentioned that his actions will reveal the truth. That is all I have to go on right now becasue those words are pointless without the actions to back them up. He is free to go right now. He has no attachments really, but he says he wants to work it out. I need to read those books and go into seclusion to some degree to sort things out. Thank you for the great advice!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-18 21:12:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Mao: My heart is going out to you right now. I am so sorry for what you are going through. My failed marriage ended much this way. When I was 7 months pregnant with our second child I found he was having an affair. I was completely and utterly devastated. I hated him so bad. I couldn't understand what I had done to deserve such a thing. Just like you I had no idea what to do. Because I was pregnant I gave him a second chance. I became obsessed with being the perfect wife & making sure he never had any reason to do that to me again. The whole thing had a very serious impact on my self esteem and spirit. I have lost a child before & I promise you the pain was much the same. Fast forward 2 years and I find that it is happening again. At that point I knew I had to be done with the relationship for my own sanity. The problem was not me it was him. Some people are just selfish. They can not put others above themselves. Once I made the final decision I felt so free. Thank God since that day my life has continued to get better in every way. I am now blessed with a loving faithful man. Having read this it may shock you to know that I feel you need to give this man a second chance. However you need to have very strong conditions attached to it. I think that this man really does love you. And if you feel that there is any potential that he could change and be faithful I think you need to make an effort. I would make a list of what you would have to have from him in order to attempt to reconcile; things like complete transparency. No locked phones, no late work meetings, you must have all passwords, etc... If he loves you he will make sure that you feel safe in your marriage as you start to rebuild it. The faith that you share is what can get you through this time. Continue to work on your own issues that you stated before, keep praying, and let God fix him. If God shows you a very clear sign that you need to move on then do it, until then keep trying. My prayers are with you & remember even if you did some things that were not right,this is not your fault. No one deserves the betrayal of infidelity. Jenkatx! Thanks so much for your post! I totally understand your rationale! This really sucks! you are right though that i could forgive him but then I run a HUGE risk of this man doing this again. Only, oh only if I could prove this was an isolated incident. I just can't prove that and with all the other tall tale signs, there probably were other women, I just don't know. I understand your thoughts when you say I should give him another chance. I may live my life thinking maybe I should have given him a second chance. I can't without laying down the law, but again laying down the law, does that mean I would be considered controlling? Passwords, unlock phones, verifiable whereabouts it would have to be. Then I think, wouldn't this make a man go crazy? You are right though, I would have to be firm about what would be expected. Arrgghh, I don't trust this man as far as I could throw him. I am praying hard and long about this. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am so on the fence right now.	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-18 21:02:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	People here say stay and others say go. No one here knows the whole story so you have a hard decision in front of you. Personally I have little forgiveness for a stranger that shows this is the kind of things adults to together. The fact he has stuck his ####### in another woman would make me leery of every letting him near me again. You know of the woman you caught but there may be others. A man that can't keep his body in control this early in a marriage is not apt to be able to control him body parts any better a few years down the road. Some women think they need to stick it out. IF it doesn't make YOU better then there is little reason to stay. The manpool gets smaller as you age and living years in distrust is aging both physically and emotionally. No one should make excuses for infidelity. There is none. He broke his vows to you either because he doesn't care or is morally bankrupt. Nigeriaorbust! Thank you so much for keeping it real. You have laid your cards right out on the table and I respect that! I appreciate your candidness!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-18 20:53:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Hello to me VJ Family! Thanks to everybody for offering their sincerest apologies and heartful comments. It really means SOOOO much to me. Dee, Sam, Zee, etc. etc. etc. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! It is getting more and more clear to me that he never did make me happy since he got here. I'm looking back on the day i met him at the airport, we had a big welcoming party, the kids were excited, all my friends were over the house, we had balloons, food, the works!!. We were ready to celebrate and indeed we did. Fast forward to about a month after he got here. He had to wait 6months to work because he came the k3 route, we had to save enough money to file for the EAD, adjustment of status etc, etc. he became very, very isolated and lonely from sitting around all day. No transportation, no friends and no funds. We all know "idle time is the devil's playground". He became friends with the internet when he should have been taking up a hobby, going back to school or whatever. There began the questionable sites, emails etc. but it was always dismissed when brought up. During this time is when he made a good effort to study the bible with the kids and prepare for meetings at the kingdom Hall. He finally got a job and bought a car. It was down hill from there. Please do not get me wrong, we have had wonderful times together, laughing, eating, playing around and all but there was always that suspicious behavior. Let's talk about what i have done wrong for a moment because noone's completely innocent. Yes, i am a black woman (obviously). We are brought up to think for ourselves, handle matters, make decisions on our own and not put up with any BS. Yes, I got frustrated with him not working, when I knew all along while he was in africa, that he was coming on the k3 visa. It just bothered me after about 3 months that i was the one paying the bills and handling everything. My tongue can be very deadly. He once told my spiritual MOM, that I have said some things to him that were just down right cruel and I had. Anything from "you should be glad i bought you over here out of poverty" to "Get out of my house" etc. ect. If I have any words of advice Ladies, it would be to be humble and mild-spirited when dealing with the adjustment of having a foreign husband here who is more like your child due to the unknown to them. Please be patient and understanding until they are able to understand the American way. I think someone mentioned learn their culture, learn to cook their foods, watch their movies and wear the african garments around the house or whereever to show them you care. I was never rally interested in any of that. I was frustrated or taking care of my kids most of the time. The best quality he has, is that he never once retaliated with the name calling. He could have called me overweight or whatever but never did. My direction right now is to work on myself and correct those deeply engrained black woman "cant no man tell me what to do mentality". YES, I said it, I can be controlling. However, what he did was wrong. He is still here in the home. Tonight we had our bible study at the kingdom Hall and he showed up out of nowhere and sat in my row, a couple of seats away from my daughter and me. I wanted to get up and move but I said no, that would be very immature. I said a silent prayer and focused on the information being taught. After the meeting ended, i saw him approaching our Elders, i'm assuming to discuss what they have been informed about. I did not ask the outcome of that meeting. I'm not going to lie but right now, I feel very violated with him here in the house. I keep playing this out in my head, to pack all his belongings and put them out by the dumpster. He should sleep in his car are my thoughts or sleep at your mistress's house! Am I wrong to feel this way? 2 of my closest friends said his things would have been out of the window that same night. For the sake of my kids sanity, I have not made such a scene. They have already been disappointed by his lack of step parenting, I don't want to cause them anymore pain.	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-17 21:52:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	MAO36, I am so sorry to hear about this. Sending you a lot of positive e-vibes!!! Thank you so much!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-17 21:14:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Wow is all I can say. My heart goes out to you. This is not an easy situation. I am amazed how God reveals things to us when we are not even looking, but at a time when we are ready to deal with it. There's nothing hidden that won't be revealed. In the end this is your marriage and you have to do what is right for you and your situation. I'm one of those people that are very pro-relationships, but experience has taught me that when someone truly loves and cherishes you their actions will show it. That doesn't mean that they won't make mistakes, but even when a mistake is made you still know that they love you because of their consistent actions [not words]. I have a girlfriend whose husband had some indiscretion with another woman when they were going through some hardships and I told her to work it out with him because I knew this man loved her. Before this incident he had always treated her like gold and stuck with her through some very difficult times when another man would have left her. Yes her husband screwed up, but none of us is perfect. Their marriage is stronger as a result of weathering that storm. What they had going for them was a very strong foundation of love and commitment before this one indiscretion and that is what I based my advice on. My suggestion to you is to search your heart deeply and ask your self some questions, barring the infidelity how did this man treat you in the past? (borderline) Is he good to you?(borderline) Is he respectful?(borderline) Does he make you feel like you are important?(NO) Does he consider your needs?(NOT REALLY) Is he truthful? (NO) Is he honest?(NO) Can he be counted on?(NO) God forbid, if you were to be bedridden and couldn't do for yourself, can you count on him to be there?(YES) Is he proud of you, does he support your dreams, etc. Can you trust him with your life? (NOT SURE)Only you know the answers to questions like these and others that are important to you. A pastor once told me in a relationship consistency is the key. Whatever a person consistently shows you is a good indicator of who he or she is. He also told me that just because someone is a good father, it does not make him a good husband. Give yourself some time to process all that is happened. You do not have to make any decisions right away. You and your family are in my prayers. Excellent response! Thanks for your kind words. Those are wonderful questions to ask? I wish I could have been asked those questions back in 2007, but like they say it's water under the bridge now. Unfortunately most of the answers are "NO" or kind of. The 2nd to last question is the only question I can answer yes to. I was feeling really under the weather a short time ago and he did take care of me, nurtured me back to good health and became very sad when he thought I was getting worse. He said if he had to fly to africa to get me the medicine he would. I would hope anyone who has half a heart would do this for their wife. This really sucks and I don't know whether to cry because this may be the end or celebrate to a possible new, happier beginning . The advice you gave to your friend was right based on the way her husband treated her. I may not be that fortunate to have what appeared to be a good man! I love this post. I'm thinking........My answers are above.	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-16 22:41:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	I am dumbfound and speechless my dear friend, I am so sorry for your pain. Even when you had indicated, that you had your doubts and suspected that he was, I prayed that it was not the case. I AM TRULY SO SORRY AND I AM SADDENED BY YOUR PAIN. NO it is not your fault that he is a lair and a cheat. It is always easier for the cheater to blame someone else for his or her mistakes, rather than take responsibility for their own action. Again, I am so sorry for you pain, I pray you do what is right for you and your lovely children. Keep in mind, you have sacrificed enough....and your life is valuable and precious, you need to live it to its fullest. Find that happiness first within yourself and then with the right one. God bless you and may you find answers in your prayers and strength in your heart to do the right thing, which you completely deserve. I salute you for your courage and strength. YOU are not alone. Drop a note when you want to talk or need a friend. Hugs! I know exactly how you feel. Let me say that you have been so kind and warm to me throughout this whole series of posts. I really thought the dinner, movies, extra money he was giving was the beginning of something good with our marriage, but instead it was his guilty conscious it appears. I'm lost for words and that's very unusual for me. i really have to think this whole thing through but i really think it may be time to call it quits. I don't know.....	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-16 22:28:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SPEECHLESS AT THE ABUNDANCE OF LOVE AND CONCERN BEING DISPLAYED ON THIS TOPIC!!!!! I would love to respond to each posts directly but it would take all night! For those who have weathered the storm, words can never described the joy I am feeling in my heart for each one of you. All the posts have been so encouraging, so informative and filled with honest red flags and thoughts. I love it! WELLL........ I would like for you all to take a seat, relax, grab a cup of tea or coffee and get ready for what I'm about to tell you all. I'll leave out the unimportant details since the posts may become too long. Ladies & Gents.... my suspicion has been confirmed. I awakened to a call coming in from my husbands cell phone. He has a security PW set on the phone so I was not able to answer it. What I did see was a phone # flashing from a number I had never seen before. At that point i knew Godwas about to answer the prayers I had been incessantly praying about. "God if there is infidelity in my marriage, please reveal it to me, please" and he did. I called the # and ofcourse a woman answered. I explained to her that I was his wife and was only inquiring about who was calling my husband. She began to apologize and say she did noy know he was married, but she will confirm that they have been having a"special relationship' since February. Immediately, I knew what that meant. I asked her had they slept together and she said "why don't we let him answer that". She said he was taking her to see a movie in a few hours after he got off work and that I should show up at the place and we'll both confont him. I begin to feel the adrenaline flowing through my body. Wait I thought, I'm supposed to go to my husband's job and collect his part of the rent money etc. I could have said keep your money, but I then thought, "heck i still deserve what's mine". i called him with a calm spirit, yet a heavy heart. He told me to come and get the money and that he would be working a little late. (liar!!!!!). With a crooked smile, I took the money and said, see you at home tonight. I jumped in my car, met my girlfriend/play mom, so we could ride in her car, so as not to be easily recognized. Ladies..... Just as she said, they were entering into target, talking and so on and I calmly came out of hiding and said "honey is that you?? What's going on??? who is this woman??" He was DUMBFOUNDED! he was like, Uh, uh, uh, she then jumped in and asked him, "Who is this woman?. I said I'm his wife, which she already knew. She turned and asked him "Is this true", He said yes, but let me explain. This innocent woman, becasue that's what she is began to ball her eyes out in the store, telling him how he lied and said he was single. How he was dishonest etc. She then turned and apologized to me. I then asked him had he slept with her/ he said NO! she said, do not lie, yes we have., She said it has only been a few times but we have. My spiritual mom, began to tell him how he would never receive God's blessings living a double life. She said look what you have done, You've hurt your wife, involved this woman, your stepkids will be disappointed etc etc. He looked like death was upon him. The whole time I had this inner strength that i never knew I had. I couldn't cry a tear, knowing that he double crossed me and was living this secret life. All the while i thought he was so home sick, hanging with his Nigerian boys, laughing, drinking and having a good time. But NO, he was hanging out at this woman's house after work for a few hours, then came in the door like nothing! Who coud do that with a straight face LADIES! In my opinion this behaviour that befits a monster. Anyway, I asked him to leave. He said well, I'm on the lease, i don't want to leave and I don't have anywhere to go. I consulted my elders and they are meeting with us this week to discuss my options. I am,at this point scriptually free to leave this man since the adultery has been confessed. Why is that I feel filing for divorce would be justiable but I have not called the Lawyer yet? 90% of me IS READY TO MOVE ON ladies, but that 10% is that weak, treacherous heart. The heart that makes you think you somehow drove him to this, but that same heart will call me a fool if i forgive him and he does this again!! AAARRRGGGHH. To top it al off, he told my spiritual mother (who is 70), that I drve him to do this. He said I was always telling him to leave and find a woman, because i didn't want him or love him. How could I have caused him to commit adulterey?? Throughout all of this, I find it so hard to shed a tear, part of me feels this is my chance to flee and find that true love, that real man that thought I was bringing home from africa. Decisions, decisions, *** RED FLAG***** Unexplained abscence when not at work & unable to be contacted via his cell phone******* I'm OK, ladies... I really am. I just had to keep it real!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-16 20:21:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	I'm glad that people are sharing these. I used to wince sometimes when seeing pictures or reading stories of couples, knowing that no one wants or will accept hearing that they are possibly being used. I know many, many Africans (this is my circle, but I know everyone does it) who got their papers by using this method. I see it all the time when I am on the continent. Still, I (probably) got scammed myself. I was introduced to the family, spoke the language and met my husband while I was in his country. He is well-traveled internationally and very well known in his country. He started fbing and myspacing women probably the minute he got here. I saw all kinds of messages like "i'm here in the US now" (not I joined my beautiful pregnant wife in the states). By the time my child was 8 weeks old (maybe six months after he arrived?) there was a woman in my house (it had been going on for a long time though) and told her happy mother's day for MY child. Apparently, my child has many auntis. He still uses my daughter in this way. When my daughter was 3 months old, he hooked back up with an old stripper girlfriend and they are still together now. I found out before she was a year old and he actually refused to leave. He even thought I would stay married to him and file his papers for him. Can you say sense of entitlement? So, he has filed for his 10 year greencard and I wrote a letter of support for it because my daughter loves the loser. None of us are immune to a ticket to the US and possibly just a free ride in general. Even though my ex lived in Norway for almost a year, he was fully supported by friends and had zero responsiblity his whole life. He was completely shocked and unprepared for how hard people have to work here. He still does not understand that your work responsiblities have to come before your traveling desires (and uh, can you say child support?!). He just lives as he did in Senegal at his parents home. He lived for free in my home (totally against my will) and now he is supported by his stripper. Some of these guys may not even have a US citizen jones, but just want a free ride from anyone...people from the West have what they are looking for. The red flag about older (especially overweight) women with children, man, that's a serious one that I've seen frequently. The truth is that no one is immune to this. I have friends who were used here in the U.S. for greencards from men who were from the same country. I have had people tell me that they lived their whole lives trying to get a green card from an American or European. If you go into the cybercafes, they are full of men talking to western women. It is what it is. I wish everyone the best, but you have to know what the reality is so that you are no so shocked if it does happen to be the case. I wish I hadn't made that particular trip...but I did and it changed my life forever. I'm raising a child completely by myself and my daughter will have a poor example to choose her husband from. She is constantly stressed and distraught asking for and missing her father. If this thread helps even one woman (or man), then it was worth it. I used to see it so often here in the states that I thought nothing of it, but I know that it destroys lives. It destroys trust, sometimes forever. Many of these embassies are "high risk" for a reason. That alone should make these threads worthy and important. They shouldn't be seen as kill joys, but honest and a serious reality. I think most people who are scorned are no longer posting and many are just embarrased. Best of luck to you all....may you be blessed, whether your visa journey was wonderful or the mistake of your life. Stay strong and know that at least, we have learned a valuable lesson! Peace. Hello Linguere! Thanks for taking the time to post with your own personal journey and outcome of things! First let me say that I am really disheartened by your experience and know that you are not alone! I really commend you for stepping up to the plate and raising your child in spite of all the injustices you faced. I am raising three children from my 1st marriage and know how rewarding, yet challenging it can be. One thing is certain and that's your daughter is a blessing! Thanks for highlighting the red flags and the background of all of these dating sites and non-dating sites which turn into dating sites. My journey is still going on and I will pray for the best outcome but be prepared mentally for anything, if that's even possible. I do lean heavily on my heavenly father for strength, understanding and wisdom and i would advise anyone to do the same. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment and when it's destroyed by lies & infidelity, it can be devastating! I' m sure you've given us all a lot to think about! Thank you	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-14 21:42:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	I believe God brings us into each other's lives for a reason. Our paths crossed for a purpose, and it is not a coincident. Whatever his reasons may be, God's never wrong. We both have learned from this experience. You were surprised to learn, that I am "white" & where I come from? and how much we can relate to each other, even though we live so far apart. WE are all God's children, he commands us to love one another, it is written in the Bible. I have seen so much love in these replies. NO one is condemning the other,and extending a caring hand or an advice. Only if the rest of the world can communicate like this, or care for one another, then "maybe" no one would need to scam or be scammed to reach one's goals in life or find happiness. Many blessings, MA036 it has been my pleasure to have met you as well. I am honored to be addressed as "your new found friend"! Awwww.... what a wonderful post and I share those same thoughts and feelings One thing is certain & that is we all were looking or are looking for true love. If things go sour and you find out his intentions were not genuine, PLEASE know that it was not your fault and there will be better times ahead. At this point in my marriage it is still not 100% clear as to his true intentions. He has been absolutely wonderful for the past week. I've learned that it's too soon to think I'm out of the danger zone or out of the woods. He actually took me out to dinner and a movie last night!I I about thought i was going to hyperventilate from the shock..... lol. Then he was standing by the passenger side of the door to open it for me?? Hmmmm... I asked him why aren't you driviing? He laughed and said, Wow.... you aren't used to a man opening the car door huh? I said no, cuz I'm not. Anyway the night was really good. Told him a few days earlier that I felt sad being married to him because I feel cheated. As an american woman I often dreamt about having an affectionate, romantic and loving husband. I said you were all those things while in africa. I said I used to have your email pw in africa, we shared accounts, I could hold his cell phone without a problem and I felt like I was his woman. I said now I feel like a roomate. Anyway, he was like "this can't be true the way you feel. He said I really love you Mich but it may not be the way you are used to". This is when the blame becomes mine. Hind sight is 20/20. looking on some of the different sites, it explains how african men are not romantic, not all sentimental with flowers, gifts, love notes etc. I don't know why i read that after the fact. Like I mentioned before though, there is a lot of trust and respect to be regained and the ball is in his court. BUT, u know there's always a butt, I will not be disrespected, cheated on or humilated by anyone. If it ever gets to the point where I've lost my self worth, self-esteem and lower my standards beyond belief, it's time to move on. Ladies! You DESERVE the BEST!!! remember that, especially if you're giving your best in return. I know many are waiting for their SO's to arrive and I hope it is everything you always dreamt it would be! I'd ove to hear from those who are ususally shy about posting. It's almost therapeutic to share my married life with a foreigner with those in the same boat. "	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-14 21:27:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Well said my friend. I pray that you and your husband can find a way to repair your marriage and his making extra efforts are an indication that he wants to. All the posts on this subject have been candid and heartfelt. Through the individual struggles and hardships, the fact each one loves their man is still apparent. Having God in our lives doesn't mean we are perfect, error free. Thank you all for your candid thoughts, feelings, point of views,but most of all for your honesty. I pray each and everyone finds happiness regardless of the situations you are in. For life is too short and too precious to be wasted wondering about what IFS? Blessings. Hello My new found friend!!! How are you??? Thank you so much for your encouragement at all times! Your charming personality is evident by your upbuilding responses. Yes, I agree, we do love our men and if the love is mutual, then these obstacles will only be temporary!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-13 23:44:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	I will mao.hey got yr call girly but was at meeting cos visit. WONDERFUL discourse. Ill see if our bro will want to add. ladies be nice to him if he does comment its cause he cares lol! btw Mao..u and mister are such a good looking couple. love that pic. Efi!!!! Thank you! He already talking about speaking his piece too... lol. But I would like to hear from an unbiased person!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-13 18:17:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Please tell him to add his piece! I think that it is important for all sides to be told. Its so easy for us to get lost in ourselves and not recognize that there is another side to this whole mess. I have to say that this is the first time that we have had a thread on here that addresses red flags in a manner that is respectful of everyone. Sometimes people just like to point fingers and disrespect the experiences of others. I feel like this is finally a place where we can all say what we feel and not be bashed for it. I concur Zee!! I concur!! Speak your mind PLEASE! Where is this man lol!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-13 18:15:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	wow y'all are so articulate...i dey fear to add anything. cept...im glad Im outta that mess lol. but i remember trying to make it work and all that jazz but when someone wants to leave....let them. I had to learn the hard way trying to struggle againts what God was revealing little by little. Sheesh i was dense and in love with a wolf in sheeps clothing. Everynight praying for that person when I should have been praying for myself. But im not bitter...tho the thought of keying his car and popping his tires does make me grin No wahala. Im happy now. U know I told a 9ja friend about this post and he felt bad for everyone especially mao and 4thloveof but he said he didnt want to jump in, in case he got hit over the head by some, cause he did want to clarify some things from the male stand pt but didnt feel it would be welcomed. if yr reading this meks...dont by skerd. keep the faith girls. Hello Efiado, Thanks for your post!! Tell 9ja friend to give us his input! It can only help!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-12 21:02:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	@HisWill, Great post! Sensible observations and many, many truths! I appreciate the advice and I'm sure many feel the same. It's no easy journey and often too late to turn back once so much time, feelings, finances and that heart is attached. I pray that things work out for the both of you. I agree that we need to make sure we do NOT lose sight of the respect and dignity we deserve! Thanks!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-12 17:48:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	I appreciate the "Sisterly Love" Girl! Prayers, prayers are always welcomed! I am here for you as well and for anyone who needs a listening ear! You are an "Amazing Woman" and I'm sure you will receive rich blessings for your determination to make this successful. Jehovah also hates a "divorcing" and your situation is very different from mine. I do remember there was a long separation and so forth, which can make it twice as hard on the marriage arrangement. I believe in my heart that you have "weathered the worst of the storm" and I am SOOOO happy for you. You have given alot of wonderful input based on your own personal experience. "Priceless"	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-09 18:43:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	P.S. My last post was for everyone, the first portion was for you "4TheLoveofHenry". You and I have a special connection and bond that I respect highly and you know what it is. I do love your posts and because of you I have been biting my tonuge, my lip and smiling when I have every right to be upset about something Hubby's done and it's because of your posts and PM's. I have enjoyed them all. "AGAPE"	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-09 17:47:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	4TheLove of Henry, Your honesty, your candidness and the determination to make your marriage work has shined through your words of wisdom, scriptures and openness to this public forum. I bet most of us would take some of the blame for the difficulties in our marriages. I definitely have said some things that were not words befitting of a christian woman and hold myself completely responsible for my actions. What I won't make excuses for though are the lies he told and tells, the coming home late at night without a valid explanation of his whereabouts, the disconnection and thoughtless acts such as forgetting about his marriage vows he made before God. My husband is no stranger to the bible. What I won't tolerate is hiding your phone, your receipts, mail etc from your wife. I won't tolerate infidelity, I just won't. Now, I've been through hell and back. I have a great deal of spiritual MOM'S who have been married for over 30 years who live their lives by the bible and love and adore the marriage arrangement, tell me they would have left a LONG time ago based on the thoughless acts and the high suspicion of infidelity on his part. They have been clear about supporting me whether I stayed or left and have never encouraged me to leave since this is between Me, Hubby abd GOD. The bottom line is (FOR ME). Yes, I have said things out of anger that I regret, when my Husband shows up at 3am, without a trace of where he's been. When women have called his phone and said it was business but yet got confrontational with me when I said I was his wife. There may be a cultutal difference yes, but I don't care what culture anyone comes from, infidelity is "dead wrong", lying, cheating, scheming is dead wrong and I deserve true happiness if i do say so myself. Love is not deceitful, love is not dishonest. How many chances do they get? If I were caught laid up with some man (hypothetically speaking), do I really think my husband would be waiting on bended knees to forgive me? to make love to me? He told me straight up, as a man he probably would not be able to get over something like that. Is there a double standard? of course. Sometimes, we are who we are, "innocent victims". I'm no saint by far, but I am not a liar and a cheat. I just feel those bad qualities really change the dynamics of what a marriage should stand for. I love my husband and for the last 3-4 days he has been making an extra effort to listen and understand. I will do the same. Let's hope it moves in the right direction.	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-09 17:40:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Hello Ladies, Thanks for the feedback and different point of views!!!! As always, please find out as much as you can about your man before putting your heart & soul into the relationship! I appreciate the positivity and advice knowing every scenario is different to some extent! See ya!!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-09 17:18:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	@Nigeraorbust......Wow! Now that's over the top! What one would do to get over here! smh.......The sad part is once they get here, they soon realize living in America is not a "walk in the park". Hard work is required to earn a decent living! Thanks for sharing!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-08 12:25:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Reeses 16, Very valuable feedback. You are absolutely right! Thanks so much for sharing! I'm sure it has helped many with understanding the process of backgound checks and what NOT to rely on. We really do have to be proactive and do our own homework! Ask many questions!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-08 12:15:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Oh can't forget my Gurl! 4 the Love of Henry!!! Thank you so much for highlighting some valid points. Whew.... I could see some of my flaws in your post! Thank you for bringing them to light. I'll respond to your PM as well! Thanks for sharing!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-07 17:42:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Thanks for sharing your thoughts ZEE! They are very much appreciated. Again, all comments, thoughts, input, redflags etc etc are welcome. Congrats on your pregancy! You deserve the best!!!! I'm so happy things have gone well for you Sis!!!!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-07 17:37:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	@Hurtin the USA, I'm glad you could stand up to him as well. Why should we hide the truth. The embassy is supposed to check all these things out but unfortunately in a lot of these foreign places they do not keep good records of marriages, divorces etc. Most of them have a hard time just proving their identity. My friends husband never even had a copy of his birth certificate and went to his interview without it. They asked him "how do we know you're the person you say you are"? lol. He finally went somewhere in his village and got one drawn up. It was a huge risk we took and no matter which way it goes, it could only make us wiser and stronger. I've grown and matured so much behind this ordeal. I only hope those considering these steps will heed the warning!!! Thanks for posting!!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-06 22:31:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Hellooooooo My Sisters because I truly believe we are united in this journey. I'm sending out a HUUUUUGE thanks to everyone who is sharing their thoughts, redflags, concerns advice you name it. United we stand ladies!! Honestly speaking, I can actually sit back now and see some of the red flags mentioned without even realizing that they were right there in my face. Yes, at the end of the day the choice is yours whether you will take the chance and hope and pray you beat the odds. I pray that you do. My husband has beeen trying harder to be nice lately, don't know if it's guilt or what but i certainly told him I am going on visajourney to put all of these issues that seem to be kept quiet on "blast". I think he's ashamed but let's see if he'll be ashamed enough to change for the better. Yes, some of us are to blame. I'll speak for myself. What a fool in love to think I could marry a complete stranger and think it would be some fairytell romance. What a fool to think someone who barely knew me could honestly love me the way a real couple loves one another. Yes, I was naive, yes I was blinded and yes I wanted this so called knight in shining armour to be the man of my dreams. When I'm crying about it to God I make sure I stress the point that some of this is self-inflicted pain. I should have known better than this. My husband was very poor and owned 1 suit and 2 pairs of jeans. A lot of times he went hungry due to the lack of work in his country. This isn;t ncessarily a red flag but now that he's here in the land of opportunity, do you think it's easy for him to remain that humble man he was in africa. NOOOO, he has gone buck wild since he arrived. He has a job (good), car (good) a steady paycheck (very good), but he lost that unconditional love he expressed over the phon & computer when I was holding the ticket out for him. Was it love? or was it an opportunity to get out of poverty? The last list of redflags were "spot on" Sis ! And I don't think you're jealous of american women! That's absurd! THANKS LADIES, YOUR POSTS HAVE EVEN HELPED ME!! ALL INPUT IS WELCOME. I dont get offended easily	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-06 18:08:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	@Hurtin in the US... I just had to post again to you after reading your post again. Your husband and mine maybe twins! With the exception of the condom and the mysterious women, i think you hit the "Bullseye"! You have DEFINITELY provided an abundance of "food for thought" and I thank you for it. If we can help one person, then we've completed our mission. You're in my thoughts and prayers Sis.	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-05 19:34:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	Thanks for the feedback. I am very sorry for anyone who is going through this horror show or is approaching this stage. You have added plenty more red flags and indeed they are red flags. I really think the condom wrapper is HUGE and I think you know what you need to do. Consider it a favor from him that you are no longer intimate, since there is no cure for some STD's!!!!!. If you are intimate, PLEASE always use a condom. This mess is very real and VERY scary. I can relate to alot of the things you described as well. Please protect your health, your finances and your heart. My prayers are with us and to those who may fall victim! These things would NOT exist in a genuine relationship. Let your prayers be heard by GOD and then listen to the answers, as they may come a stranger. Sorry for the pain and thanks for sharing. It's so sad when most of us were simply looking for a decent man to love, instead we got "HELL ON WHEELS".	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-05 19:02:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Sharing some red flags	To LoveNigarmostyle, Thanks again. We have had some counseling from our Elders but only time will tell. I'll be sure to keep my status updated. Let me know if I can be of any assistance at any point and time. See ya!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2011-05-04 20:44:00
Russia, Ukraine and Belarus	Failing relationships	Hello To All, I always read the various threads and very seldom will I respond in writing but this is one I can relate to completely. My husband is from Nigeria. He came here on the K3 visa (big mistake, we should have taken the CR1 route). Anyway, just like it was mentioned earlier, when you are finally united as a married couple who has been apart for close to a year, nothing can feel more right. The love is something out of your favorite love story book (for the girls ofcourse), for the man at this point you are not even thinking about how much you miss your homies. You are both consumed in making up for lost time and enjoying the euphoria. At some point as was mentioned, the euphoria simmers down, reality sets in. Hubby has to find a job, get his license, familiarize himself with the American english dialect so that he can communicate more effectively. He has to get to know his wife and the step children he inherited. (Let's face it), you really don't know one another as well as you would have if you both lived in the same country. We began to quareel about any and everything. I began to get very frustrating while waiting for the EAD, the SS card, him almost killing me with his driving skills(lol) etc, etc and without realizing it became very controlling. As my husband would tell you, instead of feeling like a man and a Husband, he felt like my child. I also did not realize, not only did he feel like a child but like a lost child with no relatives to run to for support. I couldn't see it, instead I began to complain "Where is the romance you showed me in your country", I want flowers, I want cards, I want you to tell me you love me more. I did not even realize what he was going through in his own life. He finally admitted he feels like a fish out of water sometimes. I changed my approach. I have become less demanding, less controlling, stopped mentioning the Do you know all I have done to get you here" speech and put myself in his shoes. I began helping him with his resume, suggesting certain careers including furthering his education. I have started listening more and biting my tongue when I have a different opinion on small minor issues(men love to feel like their right) which is ok when it doesn't hurt anyone or anything. So far so good Guys, no it's not my Cinderella romance but it is one that has great potentional! He has even agreed to being more affectionate(why just this morning I woke up to him rubbing my back) WOW!-what a treat!! which he says is easier when I'm not hollering and belittling him. He said a man cannot express his love when the woman is constantly complaning and focusing on the negatives. I hope this makes sense. LOL	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2009-05-08 13:22:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Timeline question...hmmmmm	I'm hoping one of you experienced VJ members can answer this for me. My I130 is being procesed in Vermont. When I updated my timeline to the correct service center it shortened my adjudication date by 2months. I originally had California in error and it was giving me an adjudication date of April 14TH. When I corrected it to Vermont it gave me February 18TH. Can someone tell me what's up with that? I mean February 18Th sounds wonderful but could this be misleading????	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2008-02-13 23:12:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	NAA Airlines to stop direct flights to Migeria	QUOTE (felshen @ Feb 19 2008, 09:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I was so disappointed . Now I will have to either change the date of my trip or use another airline which means higher prices or a layover and with 5 kids a senior citizen and then my husband and I .. I dont know which will be worse! Any way heres the link: www.flynaa.com/pressrelease Wow! You scared me, I have my flight booked for March 15TH, Whoooo!!! It appears they are having financial issues. You could try KLM, I hear they're pretty reasonable with 1 short layover.	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2008-02-19 21:37:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Nigerian Visas	QUOTE (Divine Mercy @ Feb 26 2008, 09:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> QUOTE (ara @ Feb 25 2008, 04:48 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I would really like to know what you find out. I had heard the process and fees had changed but sorry I don't know anything about it. PM VJ member, Vee I think I remember her asking about visas to Nigeria if you can get in touch with her I think she was planning on going back there or research her posts. Also I think Nixz Chi went to Niaja in Dec. Maybe someone will be able to help. Wish you Luck! Thanks Amy! I've missed u lately Hello ladies, I am leaving for Nigeria on March 15th. Yes now you have to submit the information on line at www.immigration.gov.ng Once you complete the application it wil take you the payment screen. You then have to pay $112.00 by credit card. Once completed, print out the receipt and mail that to the embassy of choice here in the US, along with all other usual documents, passport, invitation letter, Itenirary, passport photos, etc. etc. It appears that the application on line is being sent right to the embassy in Nigeria along with the $112.00. Now the $20.00 money order apart from the $112.000 paid on line goes along with your package to the embassy here. So it's a total if $132.00	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2008-02-26 22:03:00
Africa: Sub-Saharan	Journey Is over.....	CONGRATS!!!! You know you could have called me PERSONALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!	MAO36	Female	Nigeria	2008-02-06 22:40:00