ForumTitleContentMemberSexCountryDate/Time
National Visa Center (Dept of State)DS 260 Process! Urgent!
THIS IS THE PROCESS FOR KINGSTON. I WOULD THINK THAT IT WOULD BE THE SAME FOR OTHER EMBASSIES. YOU WOULD REPLACE THE KINGSTON EMAIL ADDRESS WTH YOUR OWN EMBASSY EMAIL ADDRESS:

Attention New Immigrant Visa Applicants
Effective September 1, 2013, the DS-260 Online Immigrant Visa Application & Registration will replace Form DS-230.

Applicants can access the new form at the Consular Electronic Application Center (CEAC) Web site OR at ImmigrantVisas.state.gov.

From the main page on ImmigrantVisas.state.gov, you will click on Submit Visa Application and Civil Documents. It will bring you to a new page. Scroll down to Complete and Submit Application for Immigrant Visa then click Online Forms, DS-260.

Enter your Case Number and Invoice ID Number (the National Visa Center will have already provided you with these numbers) to access the form and complete online.

Ensure that all questions are answered correctly to prevent delays in the processing of your application. Once complete, submit the application by clicking Sign and Submit. You will not be able to access the application again. Print out the confirmation letter.

When you have completed the form, inform the Embassy via e-mail at kingstoniv@state.gov and put the following information in the subject line:

DS-260 COMPLETE: SURNAME, FIRST NAME, MIDDLE NAME, CASE NUMBER.
Example: DS-260 COMPLETE: MANLEY, MICHAEL BERNARD, KNG2000100100.

Bring your confirmation sheet to the interview, but do not bring your application form.

For further assistance access www.travel.state.gov: Online Immigrant Visa Forms: DS-260 FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions) or http://www.travel.st.../info_5164.html

Please note: The DS-260 is not required for cases that are already in process at the National Visa Center (NVC), including cases where application documents were submitted, but an interview has not been scheduled.

We will not require the submission of a DS-260 if a valid, signed, unexpired DS-230 is already on file.

For petitioners, who filed an I-130 at USCIS Santo Domingo prior to September 1, and the beneficiary has already submitted a DS-230 or received instructions to do so, we will still accept the DS-230. In all other cases, we will require the new DS-260.


























Sureshot53Not TellingJamaica2013-09-24 14:12:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)US Government Shutdown
According to the DOS the embassy will continue to work, the shutdown does not affect them at this time. Good. News!!!!
Sureshot53Not TellingJamaica2013-10-01 14:07:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)The Waiting room for fiancé visa case number is it 10 days or 20
Did you do the ds260 or ds230 and did they send your packet 3 via email?
Sureshot53Not TellingJamaica2013-09-04 19:55:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)STUCK @ NVC for AP Part II
Finally today after sending another email to NVC. Checked today and my case is intransit to Kingston. Thank god.
Sureshot53Not TellingJamaica2013-09-24 14:25:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)STUCK @ NVC for AP Part II
Was told today that my case is going through necessary AP fr about 3 o4 weeks, maybe sooner. I have no clue what that means. Lets see hw long it takes. Been there since 9/6
Sureshot53Not TellingJamaica2013-09-11 17:00:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)How can I find out if my package has sent to NVC ?
Two weeks after you receive the NOA2 you can contact the NVC to see if they have received your approved I-129F. You can contact them at 603 334-0700. Their homepage is here. Welcome to the US Department of State! Things move much faster now :).

How can I find out if my approved I129F package has sent to NVC and how can I get the assigned case number from NVC ? Just wondering .


bin&jieMaleChina2007-03-08 15:16:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)Still waiting for an answer from NVC
You are not alone....

it can't be any worse...... just pray, that's all you can do, congressman, senator, doesn't help neither ( but, you should try yours ).

i just known someone from China's case sent to GuangZhou after 6 months.

good luck.
bin&jieMaleChina2007-05-21 09:47:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)Confused, Perplexed and all that good stuff???

Just call up an immigration lawyer, and read them that statement
verbatim. Maybe they'll explain it in layman's terms for free :thumbs:


It's a good idea to check with the lawyer. I do have to say that I have not been on here in a while and still in the process of being reviewed but I feel overwhelmed reading some of the posts...high nerve alert...
Sorry you are going through this.
JamaicaLuvFemaleJamaica2011-12-17 07:34:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)Getting NVC case number
Noa 2 was 5/11, recd case 5/28 and case number today. After almost 9 months, i will take it. I am in a state of shock right now.
JamaicaLuvFemaleJamaica2012-06-12 20:27:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)Starting to get pissed at NVC!!!
I read all these posts and can relate to so many of your feelings 120%%%!!!! There is nothing you can do. Everything will happen when it is supposed to and no amount of sadness, frustration, etc is going to help so live life and be happy. This journey sucks...take it from me as it has taken 364 days from NOA1 to interview/approval. SUCKS and most I know who have traveled down this road wouldn't do it again. Go relax, have a drink, take a bath, etc. Clean, We don't know all this stuff when we fall in love but like everything else/choices in life, it's a package deal. Hang in...rest will follow when it will.
JamaicaLuvFemaleJamaica2012-09-03 18:12:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)Starting to get pissed at NVC!!!

I am very happy for...and yes, a little jealous of...

A couple with the exact same NOA2 date as me and the exact same NVC receive date as me...

She just arrived in Colorado, USA this morning. (we still don't have interview date)

Congratulations to them.


JamaicaLuvFemaleJamaica2012-09-03 18:08:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)Big Problem!USEM!!!!

JAK

Jakarta, Indonesia

 


jenoralMaleIreland2013-11-05 18:03:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)The Waiting room for fiancé visa case number is it 10 days or 20

My fiance got her interview date without even getting a packet 3.  She must submit all documents at the interview.

 

Has anyone done a I-134 yet?


RoshanPriyankaNot TellingIndia2013-08-12 19:23:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)The Waiting room for fiancé visa case number is it 10 days or 20

Question, my fiancee's petition is 'In Transit' to the Mumbai consulate.  Can we do anything in the mean time now? Or wait to see what they say in the packet?

 

Also, how do you get tracking information on the packet from NVC to the Consulate? I called the NVC but they couldn't provide me with that info.  


RoshanPriyankaNot TellingIndia2013-07-22 16:27:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)The Waiting room for fiancé visa case number is it 10 days or 20

Hi everyone, just spoke to the NVC and they gave me my case number.  The representative said they don't keep the K1's too long in the office there and it should be sent to the Mumbai Consulate shortly.

 

My senator's office said it will take a max of 2 weeks.

 

Fingers crossed my fiancee will have an interview date within the next couple of weeks! :)


RoshanPriyankaNot TellingIndia2013-07-19 11:00:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)The Waiting room for fiancé visa case number is it 10 days or 20

I just called the NVC (I have been calling them everyday) and they said my file was received on the 15th of July, so it takes several days to show up in their computers.  However, the lady I got on the phone was VERY rude and would not provide me the case number.  

 

I contacted my senator's office to contact them, hopefully that will expedite it.  I will update my timeline now.  My NOA2 is 6/18 and the petition was sent to the NVC on 7/11.


Edited by RoshanPriyanka, 18 July 2013 - 03:01 PM.

RoshanPriyankaNot TellingIndia2013-07-18 14:57:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)The Waiting room for fiancé visa case number is it 10 days or 20

Got the shipment e-mail too! woo hoo! Are the DOS and NVC the same thing?


RoshanPriyankaNot TellingIndia2013-07-11 21:44:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)The Waiting room for fiancé visa case number is it 10 days or 20

 

 

Got my NOA2 saying my petition was forwarded to the 'listed consulate' but no consulate was listed. Ad when I called a second time the operator told me all I-129f cases must go through the NVC. Has anyone else had that on their NOA2 is it accurate? Do petitions get sent to consulate directly sometimes???

Yea, that's what mine says.  I tried contacting the consulate in India but they were no help.  Just waiting.


RoshanPriyankaNot TellingIndia2013-07-11 18:25:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)The Waiting room for fiancé visa case number is it 10 days or 20

I just got the same text message too! Nothing updated on the website.


RoshanPriyankaNot TellingIndia2013-07-11 17:52:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)The Waiting room for fiancé visa case number is it 10 days or 20

I just got off the phone with NVC - they said wait 8 weeks.  I'll followup with my Senator's office tomorrow.


RoshanPriyankaNot TellingIndia2013-07-08 18:32:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)The Waiting room for fiancé visa case number is it 10 days or 20

I tried to call the NVC and the number keeps coming busy! I got my notice of approval (NOA2) on Saturday.


RoshanPriyankaNot TellingIndia2013-06-24 11:32:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)The Waiting room for fiancé visa case number is it 10 days or 20

Yea, NOA2.  I'm so anxious to get this ball rolling :)


RoshanPriyankaNot TellingIndia2013-06-21 16:17:00
National Visa Center (Dept of State)The Waiting room for fiancé visa case number is it 10 days or 20

Anyone get their notification in the mail yet?


RoshanPriyankaNot TellingIndia2013-06-21 16:04:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanPacket 3 South Africa-Johannesburg

I don't know why I just spotted your post now. 

 

The consulate emailed my USC fiance with packet 3, he forwarded it to me.. Then because of this thread, I emailed them and asked them for updated packet 3 as per Sam&Lu's suggestion (Thanks!) They sent me back different instructions and forms. -The DS 160 online application for example. 

 

I haven't heard anything about getting hard copies from them-would be redundant in the case of the online application. I would suggest emailing them and asking for the updated packet, once they have received your application. 

 

Best of luck!


AdaSFemaleSouth Africa2013-12-04 09:37:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanPacket 3 South Africa-Johannesburg

Hello, 

 

Thank you for the replies. I'm still confused. So I can send back the DS 230 and 1083 before I've received the paperwork I need from my US fiance? What is there to send back on the 1083? The 1083 they sent me is just a list of countries regarding the criminal check but nothing to fill in/return. 

 

I emailed the consulate and they never got back to me and when I call I can't actually get through to a person. From looking around on VJ there are sometimes discrepenices in what the consulate info says vs the process others have gone through. (eg the Ds160)

 

Can I email back my DS230 even though my US fiance will only send me his paperwork this week(I'll receive it next week I imagine)? 


AdaSFemaleSouth Africa2013-11-04 04:36:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanPacket 3 South Africa-Johannesburg

Hello, 

 

I apologise if I am asking things that have been asked before. I just want to be sure that I am doing everything correctly. 

My US fiance forwarded me an email from the Johannesburg consulate. The subject was packet 3 and attached is the D156, D156K, DS 230, DS2001, DSL 1083. I was asked to complete these and email it back to them to schedule an interview. 

 

I want to be 100% sure of what my fiance needs to send me.So here are my questions:

 

1. Does he need to send me the copy he has made of the I-129F package or would it be okay if he scanned and emailed it to me? 

2. Am I correct in saying that he needs to send me: I-134 Affidavit of support, the copy of the NOA2 he received in the mail, letter of intent to marry and continued support?

3. All I need is my unabridged birth certificate, police clearance certificate from countries I lived in, proof of our ongoing relationship?

 

Am I missing anything? 

Once I have everything together I can email the DS230 to schedule an interview (as per their instructions) and will they then tell me when to go for the medical? 

 

Thanks in advance! 


AdaSFemaleSouth Africa2013-11-01 03:34:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanThe feeling you had seeing your boo in person the first time!

This is a lovely story.  And yes, you two look great together!  I think this is the best kind of love to have:  an insane amount of love built on a very sane foundation.  Your first meeting story is so cute.  I was beyond nervous the first time I met my fiance.  And it was kinda awkward and strange to me because we didn't hug, we shook hands (big public affection displays frowned upon in his culture)!  Good luck on your journey.


team_gnFemaleIndia2014-10-12 21:05:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags

MAO, thank you very much for starting this thread. I am so happy to hear that you and your hubby are trying to make things work. I think you, Dee, Sam, and many of the others that have posted gave good solid advice. Thank you all for sharing these very personal stories....and for writing those looooong posts! : ) I'm sure you all could have been doing something else, spending time with your family, etc. - your words were priceless.

I've been raised to believe that if someone cheats on you, you leave them. I guess thats fine if you dating...but I could never reconcile that with marriage and "'till death do us part". I used to think that people stay with a person who was unfaithful because of weakness- they're afraid they won't find anyone else. But I think this thread has really shown me that staying can be a mark of strength, commitment, and unconditional love.




Reeses16!



How are you! I am very happy that you could see a different side of things. There are some cases where it might be a sign of weakness. I think those cases are when changes aren't implemented, new expectations aren't put on the forefront and when the man has no desire to change and you continue on with the pattern knowing this. I have discussed everything that needs to change between my husband and me. We've discussed his flaws and mine. This is a very, very emotional time in our marriage but both parties have to agree whole-heartedly to want to make things better. The husband who committed adultery has to work very diligently to right this wrong. For me, I will remain calm and try not to let my emotions overtake me. Girl....I'm praying about it all the time. In the end if he does not change and I still stay with him, knowing he will not change, then it will be a sign of weakness on my part. BUT I promise all of you, if he is unwilling to become a better person for God and his family, then it would be time for me to leave, forever. So far he has done well. His infidelity is on my mind all the time, believe me! but I still manage to look ahead.. arrrghhh

Thank you for posting!
MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-25 18:08:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags

MAO!!! Wow!

I have to say that you are a strong woman to be able to accept this man back into your life after all he has put you and your kids through.

It takes a woman of strength, compassion, forgiveness and overall a solid, unwavering foundation in faith and God to do this.

Good luck to you.




ZeeeBee!

Girl, I don't know if it's strength on my part at all. I think it's more of the last part, the unwavering foundation of faith in God. I never knew i would be in this situation but I did know i did not go into this marriage under normal circumstances. In the sense that the man is here and you both are able to court/date the right way and get to know one another so as to make a good informed decision. We met on the net so the stakes were very high for something to go wrong and unfortunately it did. I hope he's learned his lesson and continues to rebuild his faith in the scriptures. He had a strong spiritual foundation at one time and his family members are so solid in their faith. I think this played a HUGE part in my forgiveness, knowing where he came from and where he could get back to with God's help. There is no more room for infidelity! This is his first and last chance of forgiveness in this area. Thank you for posting! You seem like a very strong and solid woman yourself!
MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-24 18:11:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags

My dear friend Mao36

I am so lost for words right now.....I cant even begin to imagine the pain that you are feeling.....but I felt the need to write you and tell you that you are one strong women to be able to forgive in such a large way......I am sure as Jehovah hates a divorcing that he will certinlay be with you and bless you not only for your your forgivness but the strength that it takes to forgive such an act......I only pray that He has learned from the deep overwhelming hurt he has caused to so many people......As for you....Jehovah will be with you and bless all your efforts......You take care of yourself....hope to talk to you soon.......



Hello Moon68!

You've been a stranger to me... lol but i understand. Efiado told me she was keeping you up to date. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the encouraging words. I'm really not that strong, I have been relying.... heavily on Jehovah God for wisdom and understanding. I know when I married this man I really didnt know him from Adam, How could I? considering the way we met. All i know is...... it was my choice to go this route and i would have been a fool to think this would be wedded bliss. I certainly wasnt expecting this though. All in all, he is getting a second chance to be the man I thought he was while in africa. This will be work in progress. Love ya!

MAO!
It's good you followed your heart and I hope you experience a new beginning once more! We wish you God's blessings as you turn over a new leaf




Thank you Shefellfrom heaven!

I am looking forward to this new leaf. By the way you're picture is gorgeous.! Thanks for posting!

WOW MAO! I have been following this thread. I admire your courage and wish you the very very best as you give your marriage another go. May God bless your home and heal your heart. His grace is sufficient for you!




Mrs O!

Thank you for posting and thank you for your well wishes!
MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-24 18:03:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags
[quote name='LoveNigarmostyle' timestamp='1306173939' post='4681467']
When all is said and done, YOU have proven to all of us that with God's grace and faith, one can overcome anything life can throw at us, from trauma, pain, differences, infidelity, red flags and etc.

You are an inspiration to all of us. God bless and may your decisions be a gateway to a new, happy and wonderful beginning for your entire family.

My prayers will always be with you and for your happiness. Good luck! :thumbs:

/quote]



LoveNigarmostyle!


You were the one that inspired me to start the thread. Out of love and concern for the VJ members, you thought someone could learn a thing a two from my story. No regrets here on my part for sharing as you requested. Please keep in touch. Things are going very well and I pray that it continues to go this way.
MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-24 17:54:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags

MAO I have been praying for you in every single prayer and I am soo happy to see this turn around in things. I am most happy to see your husband show this outpouring of love and honesty to you. I know it took this horrible situation to bring out the open and honest communication but I am soo glad it has begun for you guys. The healing can finally start to begin.

I also loved how your husband said he loved you for the spiritual minded woman you are and the good mother you are. I thought that was so beautiful becuase that is the best foundation for love. Think of the three fold cord. I love it!

I believe that things will look up from here, especially becuase your husband has taken the proper steps. Seeing the elders first, then second going over to apologize to the woman and her family was very important. I know it may have appeared bad and have hurt you to see it, it was very beneficial becuase remember how the isrealites were told if they did somthing to another man, after they had confessed their wrongdoing more was needed before the sinner could be forgiven. Righting the wrong against the victim was also necessary to gain forgiveness from Jehovah. So your husband is actually doing somthing that will help him get forgiveness from Jehovah and with forgiveness come future blessings that will also extend to your family.

I am sooo happy! I feel like Mrs Klumps. Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!! I am just so thrilled you guys will work it out.Your story will certainly be one to show others the value of honesty, forgiveness, and love. I love it!



Dee! You have been very instrumental in my decision making. You my girl are a very amazing woman. By now you have had your baby! Congrats on your newborn and please email me to let us know things went well with your C-section. Thanks so much for ALWAYS incorporating the scriptures. agape
MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-24 17:51:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags

MAO thank you for allowing us to follow and learn from your story. Truly praying for God's best for you, your husband and the entire family.




Hello pammyw.


Under ordinary circumstances i would not be posting our private life on a forum but I know so many people are going into this blindly and I felt it was important to share my story. So far things are going very well after the huge storm I passed thru.


Thank you for posting!
MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-24 17:48:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags

Initially, most people approach the topic of lying and infidelity somewhat reluctantly - driven by their curiosity or by a recent, unexpected discovery.
For better or for worse, our romantic relationships are not always as straightforward as we would like them to be. From time to time, our intimate relationships can become complicated and complex - full of contradictions and inconsistencies.
When it comes to love and marriage, people expect a spouse to be completely honest. But, at the same time, everyone values their sense of freedom and privacy. So while romantic partners typically want to please each other, at other times, couples experience competing goals which can make telling the truth more difficult.
As it stands, our close relationships involve a lot of truth telling as well as some dishonesty.
If love was straightforward and unchanging, that would be easy to acknowledge. But, when you take a close look at the nature of love and romance, one thing becomes clear: Love creates both happiness and heartache, opportunities and constraints, joy and sorrow.

For the most part, spouses are considerate, honest and kind .
But at the same time, husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, betray those they love. Unfortunately, deception comes in handy when people want to limit their partner's choices, avoid conflict or punishment, or when people want to influence their partner's behavior.
One might think that men ought to be capable of reason and reflection in regard to their actions. However, that's not exactly how it works. The more highly evolved a species, the more elaborate are its secondary sexual characteristics. The primal urge of men is something that can be observed in nature among countless other species. The need to procreate is a priority second only to the procuring of a food supply.
Cheating is not an expression of love, nor a way to save your relationship. People cheat when they want to avoid tough decisions, when they aren't up for the hard work required of a long-term romantic relationship, or are unable to break things off mercifully. They're completely disregarding the fact that when you cheat, you're breaching an agreement, specifically that one involving "'til death do you part."
That said, the cheater may not be the only one at fault.
I know, I know, you should never punish the victim. But a relationship is a two-way street.
The truth, however, is not likely to be popular.Men who commit adultery generally fall into one of the following three categories: The Narcissist, Situational Adulterers, or Neglected Husbands.
If you've been cheated on, there were likely some relationship red flags you ignored that could have prevented this ordeal. The lack of sex issue is a perfect example.
Many cheaters let their partners know that they long for more than the missionary position, that they want to have oral sex, that they want to try mummification the next time you play naughty nurse (lol) ... They've begged and pleaded for more sexual and emotional intimacy. You may vaguely recall that your response likely involved any of the following:
— Defensiveness: "Am I no more than an object to you?" When you're stone cold, well then yes.
— A lack of sympathy: "That's your problem, babe, not mine." Guess what? When you commit, your problems are our problems.
— Justification: "We have kids. We're supposed to be sexless." Parenthood does not have to be passionless.
— Being dismissive: "You know I retired from adventure sex years ago. Isn't that why we just bought you that brand new PC with gaming hardware?" If this were customer relations, then you just dropped the ball on maintaining product loyalty. Even the most faithful of consumers will switch brands when a company fails to recognize their needs.
Major character flaws aside, is it any wonder that a cheater is angry, frustrated, desperate, and vulnerable to any home-wrecker hyena ready to scandalously scavenge your union with sexual antics? You're committing emotional abuse in depriving your partner of sexual intimacy. If you're not willing to put some effort into your relationship, there are thousands of people, found with a few clicks of the mouse, who will.
While I just used a sexless union as an example of why a partner may commit adultery, realize that sex is usually not the purpose of an affair.
As stated in Frank Pittman's "Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy," many cheaters admit that sex is better at home. Affairs are emotionally complex, with a cheater seeking far more than sexual gratification in cozying up with another. Furthermore, it's not the sex, per se, that will destroy a union, but the lies, secrecy, confusion and disorientation couples must grapple with.
In general, the main reason men cheat on their partners is purely due to their hunger for sex. Men regularly need to find new sources of sexual satisfaction. Their ability to exercise self control is lessened in two major ways. First, a previous instances of cheating makes future cheating more likely. In other words, once a man has set precident with himself to cheat on a loved one, he MAY more readily do it again in the future. Second, a lack of ATTRACTION towards their partner is also a major contributor towards infidelity. As novelty wears off over time, they could cheat.
Another noteworthy reason for unfaithfulness stems from constant NAGGING. In this case, the man cheats in order to take revenge on his nagging partner or to soothe his own ego. Think of this as kind of a backdoor method of regaining "alpha" status in the relationship.
Due to the immense hurt endured, it is clear that a victim of infidelity would not appreciate merely a polite expression of any kind, but this is possibly tempered by the notion that it is possible for a man who can behave so abominably, to not only feel a sense of loss, but to acknowledge the senseless damage inflicted on his victim partner.

We live in a world that seems to have adopted what some call the "capitalist model of marriage"; everybody expects a return on their investment. Marriage is supposed to be about giving, not getting, but we'll save sacramental theology for another day and just deal now with the problem in front of us. Men, rightly or wrongly, expect sexual gratification in their marriages. If sex is withheld or greatly reduced in either QUALITY or QUANTITY, they will eventually say to themselves something like "I'm entitled to sex, and if I can't get it at home I'll get it somewhere else."
Ladies, not to put too fine a point on it, but if you're not having sex with your husband somebody else probably is.
There are two possible solutions here:
Both husband and wife come to accept that the underlying causes of sexual dysfunction in the marriage need to be addressed, starting with an acknowledgment that marriage is not a transaction – it's the combination of two human beings into a new person that cannot realize its full potential until each gives themselves TOTALLY to the other person. Their love then grows in new and special ways they could not have possibly imagined when they first fell in love. Crosses, whatever they may be, are carried together.
The wife starts having more sex with her husband.
The second flows from the first, by the way, but it also works as a quick fix. I'll leave it to you to decide what works for you.
@MAO :Were there a few times in the beginning when during talks about the affair,your hubby would get defensive about his actions...or when the old rationalizations and justifications would creep in. You know "I know it was wrong, BUT I didn't think you loved me any more."

He has to learn very quickly that qualifying "but" in the sentence will not get you guys anywhere. He must learn that a real apology isn't followed by "but you....".

Now, you have to discuss what he is feeling and where his head is regarding your marriage. Those are the real issues and problems....You have had your own set of issues that have to be dealt with. But you both must learn that the discussions about what went on in the "affair'' have to be separated as much as possible from the discussions about the marriage. Yes, the condition of the marriage had an impact on the affair, but they need to be addressed with or without the affair. Tying too closely together only keeps the wounded spouse in an angry state.
He must answer the questions even when the question hurt him or you. His willingness to be honest even when it hurts, will be a big part of rebuilding trust.

You must always try to be careful and think through what you want to know because many times you will ask the same questions in just slightly different ways. My caution to those asking the questions and those answering to think through what you want to know. Specific details are important to recovery, in my opinion. These would be dates, times, etc.....be careful on asking for the sexual details though and prepare yourself for those answers. The questions that get us all into trouble are the subjective ones....what were you thinking when you...how did you feel when you....etc. The emotions and thought processes of a person having an affair are not rational and memories of thoughts and emotions get faded and confused over time.
And one of the biggest frustrations for both parties will tend to be the "I don't know" answer. You will have to learn that he truly might not know or remember some things. As you process through it all, you may realize later that this was actually a positive in the long run.

Bottomline: A successful relationship is one where TWO FORGIVERS AGREE to live together.
I'm hungry & i need to go eat some Edikaikong soup with pounded yam if you know what the hell that is...(only found in 3rd world countries)lol.

Some humor only for naija peeps:
A Nigerian girl delivered a baby boy for a Chinese man,
The baby boy died after one month,
The naija babe's aunt was mad and said,
I knew it! I knew it! Chinese product no dey last!!!




Thank you Sam! You sound like a great friend.
MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-22 22:28:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags
Hello Everybody! Efiado, ShefellfromHeaven, Nigarmostyle, Dee etc etc!



How has everybody been? I have so much to tell but Im so so tired tonight. I need that voice typing device so i could just say what I want and watch it appear on the screen-lol. @Sam, thank so much for the extensive feedback on relationships, misconceptions, common mistakes, constructive criticism etc etc. I have learned a lot from you. @Dee, girl go right ahead and hijack the thread, it's all good We all share the threads. Nigarmostyle, always so encouraging, what a loyal poster! Efiado... love you much! This woman has listened to me whine for hours on end when she has her OWN problems! dang, thats a true friend. Thank you to everyone.


Ok.....Here is where I am. We never really planned a real sit down heart to heart talk and the more I thought about what he did, the more I concluded forgiveness on my part was not a option. I kept thinking how is this man ever going to learn if he is forgiven so EASILY!! It began to infuriate me! So I ended up packing all his things and asking him to leave! He asked me if we could first talk to our elders and then if things couldnt be resolved he would leave. Friday, he spoke to the elders without me. He wanted to know if he could stay and work things out as he did not want to end the marriage. I told him i needed time alone to sort my feelings out and I asked him to leave friday night. He sent me a text right after which said he wanted to come back. Anyway.. I just had this feeling like things werent quite over with he & the other woman, dont know why but my gut feeling was saying he may still be up to his tricks. Soooo... saturday my spiritual mom and i decided to drive around the area where we discovered he had been if you know what I mean. She was so convinced that there was no more contact with this woman and since all cards were laid on the table. I kept telling her that i still felt they were talking/texting at least. Anyway, just as we were about to give up and leave the area where she lives, WE SAW HIM DRIVE RIGHT PAST US!!!!! (IS THAT GOD OR WHAT??) I was like "oh heck no"! so we busted a quick u turn and followed him. After all this is my husband right??? Followed him right to the door of her house! My spiritual mom begged me to wait and say a little prayer but at that point I lost all senses. I jumped out of the car like i was in the olympics and screamed his name. He turned around as he was going in and the door close. 2 seconds later he came out was like MAO!!!, I only came to apologize to her in person, u can stay outside if you dont believe me but her mom, brother etc were livid about me hurting her and causing everybody grief with my lies and deceit. He said let me apologize to the family and then i want to come back home. He said, im sorry for hurting everybody and noone deserved what I did. I said if you're not out in 3 minutes im coming in. He was out in 3 minutes.... we then went somewhere, sat down and it was very emotional! How can I ever trust you again? why did you do it? Are you in love with her? How will you fix things? He explained and pleaded and pleaded for me to give him another chance. I said the phone has to go on the night stand, the mysterious friends, i need to meet. You need to sit down with the kids and explain things to them and explain how you're going to correct matters once and for all. He began to grab me and say MAO, you gotta believe that I love you! i messed up, yes I messed up and there is no excuse. He said no im not in love with her but i felt bad, real bad for what i did to her as well, as she didnt know i was married. I know you will never understand why i felt the need to go to her house and tell her sorry in person as well as her family, but this is something i had to do for my own conscience. He said please let me come home so we can work on our marriage. I said why? why do you love me? he said because you are spiritual minded. You love GOd and you put him first in your life. He said you are kind and loving and you are a good mother. Then he said but I beg you to work on your anger issues. I know most times you have every reason to be angry but please learn how to control your tongue. He also said i don't want to be under a lock and key. I am a man and there are times I will want to go out. I said fine, but i need to know where you're going and who ur with, then im ok with it. Then he asked me if I wanted to meet his nigerian friend, the one who allowed him to stay with since I put him out, I said yes. We drove down to his friends house and i finally met his close friend and saw where he lived. He then gathered up his suitcases and laptop etc etc so he could come home. I then added friends address to my phone just in case i needed to do a drive by in the near future! drive by to make sure he is where he says he is. Anyway, I decided to give him another chance with serious stipulations. The kids were very open and honest and told him how disappointed they were. The youngest one told him she wouldn't believe a word he said until his actions back up his statements. (I know..., she is just like her momma). Anyway he just sat there while they expressed their feelings, he just sat there looking all crazy. Afterwards... he said MAO, I never wanted to see the kids cry, I have really screwed up everybody's life with my infidelity. I said yes you did, but now is your chance to show & prove!!....... I do love my husband and will work on my anger issues. I will clean up this disorganized room and will cook dinner this week.



Its a start!......... I hope to GOD, I never have to go through this ordeal again and I hope to GOD none of you will either. Oh... before I forget, the tears finally came down when I saw him driving in her neighborhood. I thought I was all tough thru this but I broke down Ladies & gents, the tears were flowing. I finally allowed myself to mourn over his affair. My advice would be to make sure there is no cause for blame on your part. You cannot control your husbands actions and you cant make anyone love you but if you contribute to the situation with anger and violence, then you'll always blame yourself in some way. No matter what happens, continue to put your faith in God and he will sustain you through anything this unordinary journey takes you through!



Love yall!

MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-22 22:12:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags

@curve

I am really shocked at your assumptions in this case. There is poverty in the 3rd world country but you still have decent people inhabiting those places. You can't just say things like " I guarantee he's in for the citizenship". You are not in any position to do that. Now that all your assumptions have fallen flat will you atleast have the decency to retract your statement? She has a major issue with her SO and the best we all can do is offer her our prayers and "good" piece of advice.Lets not superimpose what "our" friends are doing or even going through on another family. You sound like somebody who may not believe in a second chance and that's too bad.

@MA036

I am happy you have decided to have a heart to heart talk with your huby and i pray you guys work things out.i want you to remember that
When you exchanged vows, you promised your spouse that you would stay with him "until death do you part." So what happened to get you to the point that you are considering divorce? If you can remember what made you fall in love in the first place, you can learn how to save your marriage.

Schedule some time together. Turn off your cell phones, your television and your instant messenger. Now sit down together and really listen to each other. Share your feelings with your spouse and listen to him share his feelings as well.

Make time to be intimate with your spouse.
Taking the time to send your spouse a little reminder that you love him can really help you reconnect. Plus, emphasizing your significant other's best qualities can remind you what made you fall in love in the first place.


Make your spouse your number one priority. With work and kids demanding your constant attention, it's easy to ignore the other adult in your life. But someday it will once again just be the two of you, and you are going to find that you no longer truly know the person sleeping beside you. Take a moment each day for your spouse and let him know you're thinking about him throughout the day.

Plan a date night. Many couples get so comfortable with each other after being married for several years that they stop dressing up for each other and going out on dates. You can re-energize your relationship with your spouse by planning a night out once a week when you have no choice but to dress your best.

Strive to eat at least one meal together a day.

Plan a trip together without the kids.

Don't use the word "divorce" every time you have a fight.

Don't use the children as an excuse to avoid each other

Do something for yourself. If you're feeling self-conscious about your body, you're probably going to REFLECT that onto your spouse. Create an exercise program to help you lose weight and eat a balanced diet. Buy yourself a new outfit for date night, or spend a day at the spa. Do something that makes you feel better about yourself.

Deciding if your marriage is worth saving depends on personal growth, fulfillment of dreams and your opinion of your partner's character. I wish you guys Gods guidance.


SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are indeed amazing. You have made someone a very lucky woman!. Wow! I am very guilty of not doing at least 90% of those things. It has been all about the children but I had to be there for them as they adjusted to their new stepdad. It has been the kids and me for so long, I found it hard to love a man the way I love my kids but I understand where you're coming from.
Date night!!! I often thought about that but was always too tired after working so hard and then cooking dinner, whenever I did cook.
Using the word divorce! Hmmmm, I mostly just advise him to get out, which is what he always said he hated the most. He would say, why do you always want to throw me out on the street.
Plan a trip without the kids. Yeah, this is good also, we took 2 trips without the kids within the last 3 years and it was amazing. We had SO much fun, laughing and acting crazy. He's african with an American twist to him. lol
Ok, so you are calling my fat????? lol, Really, I'm just kidding! You know looking back at some of my friends who have been married for many, many years. The wives are drop dead gorgeous because they work at it. My dearest friend would often tell me that she had to keep her figure up to par, 1) for her health and 2) to keep the fire burning in the bedroom with her husband. Ok... I'm a SLACKER!!! I am so guilty of not doing this. Hubby keeps asking me why do I eat so much ice cream and then cry about not fitting anything, lol!. Don't get me wrong... I'm big... but attractive I think...but Hubby but has expressed concern over the weight. The funny thing is he has never insulted my verbally about it or looked upon me with disgust. I do need to hit the gym, so again I understand where you are coming from. We do eat togther sometimes. He often makes mine and his food separately because he prefers african soup etc. So he makes it for me and serves me! Now I could get use to that!

NOW SAM, Where is Hubby's list?
MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-19 20:10:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags

but do you have an opinion sam? LOLOL Knowing mao and her hubby as i do...i know she has done all this u recommended and more and obviously he was a pririority to her or else he woulnt be here...she has sacrificed much for this marriage. And like it or not some do use others in shocking ways to get by in life...not saying that is the complete case here cause i belive my bro loves my friend if u knew her yd love her too. shes a great person...yeah shes a habenero sometimes but he aint a walk in the park either to say the least. many peeps have trouble in marriage. bible guarantees it will happen...but that doesnt mean that the innocent mate hasnt fulfilled their role. sometimes people just do stupid things and some people continue to do stupid things over and over again. She married him with a clear view of her vows and has not broken them up till now...but there are two way that Jesus is very clear on when it comes to the allowance of dissolution of marriage. barring the death of her husband (at the hands of her friend efia flying up there to do a drive by on him LOLOL kidding :/)....she is still free to leave OR free to stay with no spiritual guilt on her part because of the infidelity. thank you for the spirit in which you give the advice....but having done all that before this...what does she do now? what if the love she has was based on a lie? shall she go back and rememinsce on a lie to find out why she fell in love with him? what a bitter pill.the only reason this woman is suffering is because she is a Christian. A Christian trying to do the right thing but struggling with anger and hurt. If this marriage does survive it will be only because he repents and turns into the man he represented himself to be. First to God then to her.


Would I expect anything else from Efiado! The things I have done wrong were 1) I was not able to control my tongue and my temper, 2) I hate cooking. If those 2 issues will cause a man to run to another woman's arms, then I am guilty as charged!
MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-19 19:53:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags

@ MAO36... I apologize for making assumptions.

@ Rhoda_Sam I definitely retract my assumptions. I'm impressed that he takes care of her children, especially since/if they are not his. I made the assumptions because this thread is about the warning signs she saw about her husband - ie signs that he was pulling a scam for a greencard, and she herself stated that she's in an "unusual, loveless, deceitful marriage". It now looks to me like the issue is more about possible infidelity than a marriage scam. Oh well, good luck to you all.

I am Nigerian, so clearly I know that not ALL the people in my country are scammers... and I never said such.


Hello Curve!

No need to apologize you were only providing your insight. I was only trying to say he has the 10 yr greencard in the bag and didn't feel he would feel the need to continue on the greencard path at this point since he is done with immigration. Yes, I did say the marriage was loveless in my opinion of what love should be by american standards, unusual again by american standards and deceitful, yes he has proven to be a liar by all standards. America is his now so there would be no point in staying for immigration reasons right now. He does love the children, this is very true, but sometimes he becomes frustrated because he never had any of his own. Please continue chiming in. I'm not offended and I am still not 100% convinced I wasn't taking for a ride. Thank you again. @Sam.... be nice lol! ......Curve, Sam has spoken to me the same way he does with you so please don't take offense. He told me I sound like I can be very difficult. LOL..... It's all love on VJ!
MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-19 19:50:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags

Everyone is right MAO, you do not have to worry about telling this man what you need from him in order to trust him again. I did the same thing. I told my husband that I would have a hard time trusting him, that it would take a long time and he should not be suprised if he sees me checking his phone, or driving past his job lol. It may sound crazy but 4 real these men have broken our trust and THEY have to earn it back. I saw in another post that you thought my husband cheated while we were seperated by countries, that is not the case. He cheated twice while here and had not even been here a whole year. BUT and that is a big BUT, I have told you some of the things that I did, like the abusive speech, but I also have gone off and thrown his clothes out, slapped him, and saidI wish I had never brought you here. Why do you think I can tell you with ALL sincerity of heart I think this man loves you and you should give him another chance. It is becuase when I say I have been in your shoes, I have been in your shoes. I feel like this is a wonderful time to sit down and truly talk about your marriage and what has gone wrong on both ends and truly work hard to make the needed changes TOGETHER. Girl if I had known then what I know now it could have saved me a whole agonizing year.

I feel you on the black woman thing. That was my mistake. Plus not honouring my husband at all. You know we sometimes think having a hot plate and a warm bed will satisfy our men but then we are ready to throw that same plate in their face or put them down for they way they washed the plate or made the bed. We can nag and complain and be controlling but what we are really trying to control is our own insecurity of being hurt. Its a hard cycle to break but we must follow Jehovahs principles of honouring our husbands if we want to not only please Jehovah but also have a happy marriage. Our husbands also must do their part but the reason I talk to us ladies more is becuase we have a bad habit. And here is that bad habit....

We always think it is our husbands job to be a perfect husband. Have no flaws, ALWAYS be considerate of our feeling, ALWAYS think to buy us the nice gifts, NEVER forget an anniversary, ALWAYS be a perfect man mom and know exactly the right way to raise our children, ALWAYS have the sense to never make the wrong decision for the family. ALWAYS BE PERFECT and when they are not MR PERFECT to us we have our girlfriends with their advice. GIRL LEAVE HIM, GIRL HE A DOG, GIRL THATS A TRIP, GIRL HE JUST USING YOU, GIRL HE IS STUPID, GIRL YOU CAN FIND YOU SOMEONE BETTER, GIRL, GIRL, GIRL, GIRL, GIRL. But the truth is we want people to overlook our imperfections and mistakes but we dont do the same for our husbands. And then we have our girlfriends, well meaning friends, that tell us to walk away and dont be a fool, while they make the same mistakes in their own relationships. My husband once told me, "when you leave and walk away where are these same friends going to be when you are alone?" Yes they can call and say "we did the right thing" and "dont let no man play you" but truly where will they be when we have to clean up the pieces of our broken marriages? They mean well, I have meant well when i have said that to my girlfriends, but we have to realize that no human is perfect. Satan preys on the one at their weakest point and at the moment it was our husbands but it could have just as easily been you , me, or someone else.


Jehovah told husbands to assign honour to women as the weaker vessel but he also strongly admonished wives to have deep respect for their husbands. A woman clings to love like a man clings to respect. We may love our husbands but if we are saying and doing things to treat him disdain then we are not showing him ANY respect and therer is that scripture I believe is in proverbs about how the tongue can be like a sword.

Yes our husbands cheated but what have we done as well. If they had cheated when things were great then I could say with all my heart "let em go" but under our circumstances I could not say that. I can not with a whole heart look you in the eye and say leave this man. He may have been intrigued about the story becuase "he loves you". I really feel he loves you. We have to ask ourselves, if our husband put us through some of the verbal and maybe physical asualts that we have, what would our girlfriends have told us to do? LEAVE. But we have done that to our husbands and we expect them to take it like men all the while loving us and enduring the pain for love. Men do have hearts too even though we like to think they dont lol. Michelle I always say we becuase I have been with you figurativly. I have been with you, and hearing your story is like replaying mine all over again.

If you can stand it without dying inside, please give this man another chance. Dont let pride, or fear, or hurt stop you from repairing a marriage that I believe can be repaired. I dont think this man used you. I think this man loved you like he did in Naija becuase he could. He was home, he was surrounded by his support group, friends, family, brothers and sister he knew all his life. He had his own money and the ability to show you the man he was. But when he came here he was under someone elses control. Had no money of his own, no dignity, and no support system. When I lived in Naija I withdrew. I was depressed and I can tell you I did not want to do anything. I didnt want to partake in socializing and when I saw fellow Americans I became so excited thats who I wanted to be with. I didnt want to cook, clean, do anything besides talk to my family on the phone. Did I use my husband to get to Naija LOL. I am just trying to bring a smile to your face. But seriously, please give him another chance. Give yourseleves another chance. Really put in place that deep repsect and let him show you the honour that comes with it. Doesnt mean things will be perfect. Doesnt mean he will do everything right. Doesnt mean you will do everything right. But keeping that tongue in check and letting this man run things even if he makes mistakes will bring a happy marriage. Jehovah says it Girl so it must be true. I didnt want to believe it and at first I had to saw my tongue in half with my teeth to shut up and let him run things. Even still I have had times that i have had to deeply apologize for somthing I have said but you know what? it is paying off. My husband is a changing man who actually asks me now what do I want to do. He asks becuase I am not constantly telling him lol. The other day in the store I put two garbage cans in the cart and I was just spending away, but then i stopped and asked myself if this was his money how would I feel, how do i feel when he just goes and buys somthing I think is stupid? I go off. So I stopped and asked him what he thought about me buying them. He said "baby i dont think we need them" when I said ok and put them back he got sooo worried and said "baby, your not mad are you? if you want the cans thats ok, get them" I said no, thats ok and put them back. I am not bragging at ALL, just sharing how making the changes really does benefit the marriage but really benefits us. Its nice when my husband compliments me now. He had stopped and didnt want to be around me but now its getting to be like it was when we first met. He tells me I am his everything now and his life. Michelle your husband will tell you and show you those things again! HE WILL, I HAVE FAITH. Forgive him and allow him to forgive you and you guys will make it. YOU WILL.

Love to my bro and sis, DEE


DEE! you really should write a book. I admire your drive girl! Where do you get the energy?? lol Thank you for making me laugh, making me thinkg and as always setting matters straight from the bible's point of view. Why do I feel like we've know each other for years?? Thank you for clarifying the time he did what he did! Dee, you have come a long way and it shows that you have learned so much. I appreciate the way you sit down and write out all your thoughts to me and the members when I know you could be doing something else. I am going t sit down and discuss things with my Husband and see where his head is. Of course he has been asking for forgivenes and apologizing left and right but I think, until we are able to agree upon the major changes which have to be made, I can't make a move. I need to observe a couple of things and check a few things out first. Driving by the job lol! I might just do that tonight. I enjoyed the garbage can story, lol and I really enjoyed the fact that he is being very loving and affectionate to you. I love that! You deserve every bit of it DEE.
Love ya Sis
MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-19 18:08:00
Africa: Sub-SaharanSharing some red flags

Mao, the thing is...if he didnt do this to YOU my friend...I would in all honesty talking to him and supporting the counsel the elders are giving him becauase of that love i have my brother and the heart I saw that he had...remember when he heard of my story how he felt really bad for me? Altho It baffles me how he doesnt reconcile what he heard of my issue with what hes done to u. but because you are my friend and sister and having been in your shoes I cant emotionaly detach myself from the outrage and injustice. there are two sides to every story but sometimes u lose by default...for instance...when yr driving without a licence and altho being the victim of another drivers carelessnes...once the cop knows yr not licenced...its yr fault cause u shouldnt have been on the road in the first place..u are not the spiritual head of that family...u dont bear the full burdon of this infidelity he does...he is held accountable as Adam was for his mistake...altho eve instigated it and althou adam and eve both suffered...it was Adam who was held accountable for all the worlds descent into futility.."thru ONE MAN sinned into the world." Having said that i feel so bad for your husband that he is such an idiot! I love my brother still...cause i know the good he could have chosen to do and if he prayed for the strentght and relied on God he would have taken reign of his family and become a pillar in the congregation..and he would have made my friend and sister happy and she would have inturn made him happy....but alas. smh...another one bites the dust...this men dont relize they disappoint not only the wife and family but cause many to be disheartened and add to the overwhelming distress that we feel everday in this worlds downworld spiral. If I could talk to him I would tell him to really rely and draw close to Jehovah and understand why this is very wrong..where did it start..even if back to lagos with the other foolish doubled life friends that covered for eachother while growing up...and man up and take responsibility....there is a saying i love..."a man can fall many times but is not a failure until he blames someone else for pushing him" I would tell him to make the steps to set his path straight and remind him of the reward for doing so..not only iwth God but with his beautiful wife who only needs to know u love her with your actions...for her to be inspired to be the woman u want her to be. So many blessing...my brother if u can get it together. Not an easy road ahead if u do...its worth it. Having said that Mao...i know the reality...some people just dont have it in them to b all that they can b. I love u sis...and like I said whatever u choose im here...whether its as two single women hitting the dance floor when i visit woohoo! or joinging my sis AND brother for fun filled dinner out..this is yr life im only along for the ride LOL


Thank you Efiado! You know us the best. It feels good to know that whatever I decide, you are ready to party! I know you will find true love when you're ready to have it in your life. Love you!
MAO36FemaleNigeria2011-05-19 17:58:00