biggish data

Where's the +1,000 button?

After I forswore trying to date any more Americanas (on 1 April 2006, no fooling man), I tried to figure out, "What's next?" I first investigated a legitimate introduction agency dealing with Siberian babes, and even corresponded with the head honcho of that program, but I decided against pursuing that route because of distance and the language barrier. The Orient was also out, for the same reasons and the additional potential of scams. I then happened upon a discussion site (now defunct, sadly) in which the following thoughts were posted:

A reply to that was (with bolding-for-emphasis by me):This articulated most of what I'd been struggling with, and it prompted me to search in Latin America. The chief benefits were as follows: short distance (a flight to Ecuador is only about an hour longer than a flight to Seattle); similar time zones (most L.A. countries are never more than an hour different from my zone); a higher percentage of women who speak & write English, even if only at a basic level; the comparative ease of my picking up Spanish in comparison with Russian or an Eastern European language; and the availability of Hispanic culture here, so that whoever the eventual Mrs.-T-B.-to-be might be would not feel completely alien. It worked out, si man.

How many of the rest of us here felt the way that those Colombiana-discussing dudes felt, huh man?

Well put, as far as it goes. Before I met Vika, I had some of the same sort of experiences. After I started doing business in Eastern Europe, I dated some a few Russian speakers here in the US, and found them to have the same issues, although lesser, and they were younger. It is useful at times to recognize that I (and most 40+ year olds) have my own baggage too. The addage about all the "good ones" being married is true for men as well. When I added my baggage to my GF's baggage, it turned into a Winnebago that usually ran me over :lol:

Fortunately for most of us, the paradigm of a "good man" is a little different in other countries. Vika said that a good man is stable, kind, devoted to his family. He doesn't drink too much, doesn't screw around, and isn't ever violent - even when given ample reason to lose his temper. She never asked a question about my salary, how I live, what I drive, etc. Lots of questions about how I get along with my kids, and my brother's family. Do I respect my parents? How often do I talk to them? Probably some silly stuff too, about care of my shoes, nails, etc. Those answers trump big house, big money, and how my pupka looks in jeans (thank God :lol:

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-15 09:42:00

I've never heard anybody mention it. Opinions on Americans adopting Russian kids? Yes. Opinions on Russian "mail order brides"? Never been brought up.

I meant what do they think about marrying foriegners generally. What is the consensus on adoption?

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-14 20:18:00

I don't know anyone here who has tried this. I know people who have mentioned entering into a fake marriage to get to, say, Germany, but no one who has looked online for an American man. I know a couple of girls who went over on work/travel, fell in love, and immigrated, but it's received differently, I guess, when you're marrying someone in your general age group whom you met in real life.

I was referring to how my relatives have reacted to the fact that one of my cousins of sorts is currently in the CR-1 process with a RUB woman 20+ years younger than him. Everyone is happy for him because he is happy, but there is also some lingering fear about her intentions among males and females in family alike.

Interesting. What about your Russian friends opinion about this stuff? I met Vika in person also, but we are pretty far apart in age. Her family was more concerned about her being so far away though.

I just wonder if the average Russian thinks these relationships are GC scams, or human trafficking, or just another way to meet your second half?

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-14 10:29:00

They either think that the American man wants to bring over a slave, or that the RUB woman is looking for an easy target so she can move to the US and then dump him, green card in hand.

I am not sure who the "they" is here, but from Gary's response I am guessing it means American women? What I wonder is what Russian/Ukrainian people think if they are not involved in the process. My Ukrainian family is a pretty limited sample, and i wonder if others are as open minded.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-14 09:34:00

Also, aren't we all "buying" our partners? We all pay a lot of money just to bring them here. I'm sure there's some pissed off person out there who views it as "buying".

Don't forget about all the pissed off USCs that want a refund :rofl:

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-12 18:14:00

That poster you quoted is a sock puppet and troll.

There are no sock puppets posting in this topic (we checked :lol:

). Any member that had a previous or separate account on VJ has closed it.

Now, having gone this far **heavy sigh** I am compelled to say that, as you know, baiting and personal attacks are violations of the TOS. Any further name calling of members or their spouses will result in administrative action.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-29 20:28:00

Best defense against scammers is a brain. Stupid people get separated from their money and I demand their right to do so!

I guess that a short scam is better done on the web. Short scams are things like "I love you guy, but I cannot start this process before my sick momma has her operation". Under normal circumstances, it would be tough to produce a fake ill relative in person. Another good one is "I am about to be evicted, I need __$ right away or I cannot proceed", or "I can't really communicate without a decent laptop, I would LOVE to chat with you on skype like this every day, but my girlfriend/schoolmate/boss needs the computer back. Great news though, I found a great computer for only $600 (can you send it today?). OR ANY OTHER REASON TO SEND CASH NOW :lol:

See how long those excuses hold up when your answer is "Sorry for your troubles, I am on the way. You can spend a week or two getting to know me, right?". Cell phone inexplicably off after that, email account invalid. :rofl:

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-25 17:23:00

As Brad said, I think you will find a lot of couples on the RUB forum who met in person, although I would say that the number will decrease significantly if you limit it to those who met in person in the US.

The comments that have surprised me the most were from members that refused to believe any of us met in person. There apparently is a contingent that is sure all of us that say so are fibbing, and we really went online to meet. Kind of a reversal to what would have been maybe ten years ago probably. I don't see what difference it makes.

What we do disagree on legitimately is the assertion that spending time together matters. Although it depends on the social skills of the people involved, I think it helps to do so. Not that you can't get to know some one by skype, nut I think it is tougher to carry on a short scam in person (again, depending upon the social skills and personalities involved).

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-25 07:41:00

We met in person first, right here. You might be surprised how many of us in the RUB forum did. The online group can be more vocal at times, but plenty of them lurk (watch but don't post) too.

Any way, welcome.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-23 22:16:00

Ukraine members

Congrats

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-28 17:18:00

recp number

for paid visa fee of 240.00 i am not 100% sure at top of recp was letter n n10grxxx is this correct for ukraine if so do i use both N's also how long does it take for into from bank be linked with ustraveldocs.gov

I can't help with this, sorry. We went straight to the Embassy to schedule after getting the KEV number. ustraveldocs must be the service they use now I guess. My MIL did her B visa online from an agency, and maybe applied through this service.

Edited to say that Vika tells me you take the physical receipt with you to the interview, and that should clear up any questions. When we did this, the problem was getting the fee paid when the bank opened, and still making it to the interview on time. Since Vika's interview was in the morning, she paid earlier.

Edited by Brad and Vika, 03 October 2012 - 09:46 AM.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-03 09:41:00

recp number

Help us with a little more information. The receipt number for your paid fee? Where did you enter it, that it was not found?

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-02 19:47:00

when make appointment

8 Mykhaylivska street for bank

What is the name of the bank?

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-05 20:31:00

when make appointment

today sveta went to the only bank listed also she got her police report and everything done last month before i left we filled and printed the forms 156, 230 and another 156 i left her my folder with everything in it as far as her docs she only need sign them also i find out today her medical told her has to go pay in one office one side of kiev then go for exam in another office other side kiev i would think this would be done in one place btw her medical is set for oct 15th

Vika says there was a cashier in the clinic when she did this. Any one with recent experience had to pay for the medical elsewhere? Our information is dated (four years old).

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-03 09:35:00

when make appointment

Once you have your KEV number from NVC, you can call the Embassy and schedule, or she can do it. The Embassy won't schedule you until they have your file in their system, and that can take awhile. Bear in mind that she will need time to get her medical exam, pick up the results, and get all the documents on the checklist the Embassy sends her.

You can find the checklist on the Embassy website, and I think it is in Ukrainian too. I sent Vika a link, and maybe a PDF WAY in advance of the interview date so she could get translations done too, if I remember correctly (although she didn't need any).

Here is a link to the instructions Checklist KEV-1 Instructions

Here is the link to the KEV-1 Checklist KEV-1 Checklist

Here is the link to the embassy visa forms page for Ukraine Kiev Embassy Forms

Note that there are documents listed that need time to get, like a police certificate. Your fee receipt should have exactly the same name that is on the travel passport - so check carefully.

See also that the forms say several times not to pay the fee at the bank. We did pay at the bank - so perhaps a member with a more recent experience could address this.

Edited by Brad and Vika, 02 October 2012 - 08:29 PM.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-02 20:24:00

MIL got her green card

Congrats to MIl and big-ups to you and the wife for commitment to family.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-12 19:51:00

Got a big surprise today!!!

Great, that seems to be the right answer. Lena will be going to order the certificate next week. She just submitted her passport renewal 2 weeks ago so she wants to wait for this to arrive before making her appts in Kiev.
Thanks Brad!

Sure thing Hector. Hang in there, the information gathering is the worst of it, next to the wait.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-21 18:07:00

Got a big surprise today!!!

Vika says she thinks it took about a week. She couldn't remember the cost.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-21 11:38:00

Another question

I don't know that a Belarussian internal passport works, given that those are in Belarussian right?? If the ID is used in Poland, they may need something with English in it, wouldn't they?

Edited by Brad and Vika, 14 October 2012 - 11:35 AM.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-14 11:34:00

I wouldn't mind living in Russia but it seems like the type of place I'd end up getting into a lot of trouble. Too much booze, too many women, and too much opportunity to do bad things!

Not to mention you would live in a place where you have no control over anything day-to-day, really. So if the wife gets mad, or wants to mess with you - look out :lol:

Edited to say that Vika tells me she is now used to the courtesy shown here in America. She says that the careless service and rude attitude she gets back in Ukraine really drives her crazy now for the first week or so.

Edited by Brad and Vika, 16 October 2012 - 07:04 PM.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-16 19:01:00

You have a point there!! You should have seen the paperwork we had to do when picking up my luggage at customs!! OMG!!! That woman stamped 7 copies of one form!! 7 copies!!! Yes I am learning the language, it's only fair really! I can't go over there and expect people to speak English! After all it's their country and Russian is the native language!

This is another subject we cover fairly often on RUB. I started learning conversational Russian years before I met Vika, as I was travelling to Belarus regularly for business. I never did get to any sort of fluency though, because I have never been immersed in the language. This is the advantage people like eekee and Amy have, I think. Once the wife and I serttled here (my business went toes up years before), there just wasn't exposure enough or any real need to keep learning. I can still order in a restaurant or ask where the touilet paper is in the supermarket if I need to, but that is about it.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-07 10:00:00

Yes not being able to make a living would be a problem for me as well. I could retire now if I really had to but I wouldn't be rich by any means! Enough to live comfortable in Russia though I think. Not rich mind you just comfortable! I'm still young enough though I'm really not quite ready for the rocking chair yet! I've tried to find information on moving to Russia but have not found anything official really. I mean I can't pack my bags and tell them at passport control 'I'm here'!! There has to be an official way to get there or should I say a legal way to get there and stay long term. The new visa's will allow you to stay for 6 months at a time but having to leave the country every 6 months could get expensive and be a pain I would think?

Look for expat forums. Here is one for Ukraine that a couple of VJers post on.

expatukraine.com

Most Ukraine expats that can't get residency wound up just leaving for the US every three months (or overnight to an EU country like Romania that doesn't require a visa). The law changes all the time though. Now I think they have a longer residency, and if you are married to a Ukrainian I think there is an answer for that too.

Because of the new Russian multi-entry visa, you may have a problem leaving and coming right back. All this is conjecture from me, as I have never been to Russia at all. I also get that you aren't going right now, just thinking about it.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-06 13:43:00

I'd like my children to know Russian and know their heritage well.

This is a big consideration too (a good point Amy). How to keep your kids in touch with their heritage is a major problem sometimes.

I am sure your husband will get a break here. The ambition level and what an immigrant considers "hard work" usually wins out over prejudice.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-06 13:12:00

This topic is discussed here A LOT. Many of us on RUB have either lived abroad or seriously considered it, but there is a very vocal group that would never do it. We actually have some expats posting from Russia and Ukraine too.

Vika and I discussed it, but I couldn't make a living in Ukraine. I do pretty well here, and with a new daughter to think about, we probably wouldn't do it. I used to think maybe we could split our time after i retire, but eighteen years from now who knows how we will feel about it? Eighteen years is when my daughter could maybe fly solo. I could retire about then too, if we were set financially.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-06 12:18:00

I Hate the Russian Embassy

A quick update. Since wife's passports expired she has been trying to renew them through the Russian embassy following their requirements. Embassy says she must prove she is a Russian citizen. She sent everything they asked for, passport copies, birth certificate, etc, etc. Talked with them a while back and they were asking where she was in 1992 and every year since then. Of course in 1992 she was in (East) Germany as her husband then was Russian military.... after that she lived in Rostov. Her propyska is in Rostov and she still owns an apartment there . The embassy says the Rostov region has no record of her ever being there. They cannot establish that she is a Russian citizen and will not renew her passport!

I had her call back the embassy and ask if they cannot establish that she is a citizen, then can she renounce her citizenship or get a letter that says she is not a citizen? They said to do that she must first renew her Russian passport and send that in and do the paperwork to renounce. WHAT??

Can't renew, can't renounce. If not for her US passport she would not be able to prove any citizenship. Only downside now is that she will not be traveling to Russia until we figure this out.

You gotta love the Russian embassy and it's "customer service"....just like back in mother Russia.

I read this to Vika just now. Her comment was "sounds like business as usual".

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-27 10:14:00

I Hate the Russian Embassy

This is usually the point where I wash my hands of the whole situation and say, "You deal with it."

Good luck.

I don't know the words, but the tune sounds familiar :whistle:

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-09-13 18:27:00

Russian Girlfriend Questions for Visit to USA

From what I read here, she is Russian? You are a USC? If you fill in some profile details, you might help us to help you.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-24 09:37:00

small town in Ukraine

Vika says she thinks it is closer to Lviv than Kiev. You might consider meeting there. Same as posted above - you can find drivers/guides that speak English, etc. Lviv is a bigger city, and a tourist place too - so plenty to do. We stayed at a hotel there instead of an apartment. Happy to share more if you need, but if it is closer she might be more comfortable in Lviv than Kiev.

Getting to Lviv is easy by plane or train. Busses and bogdani (small busses) are cheaper.

There seems to be more than one place with a similar name, but Sumy and Lviv are nowhere close to each other.

Edited to say that Vika found three towns of the name. We probably can't do much more as far as advice without more information. :lol:

Edited by Brad and Vika, 06 November 2012 - 02:26 PM.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-11-06 13:31:00

Asking the Impossible?

She lives in a village a few kilometers north of Ivanovo.

I have been to Vilnius and Riga. Both have large Russian populations, and train conductors, bus drivers, etc. seem pretty fluent. There was some hostility to speaking Russian in Vilnius when I was there, but it was maybe five years ago.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-11-06 23:56:00

Asking the Impossible?

Will it not seem fishy, however, to the consulate to see a recent trip to Poland? They scrutinized so much during my wife's K1 interview, I just can't imagine something like this not raising an eyebrow or two...

I like the idea of appealing to the Congressman. I'll have to give that a shot as well. And I never even considered my MIL's lack of English skills. The only thing she says is ?????!. Hmm.

I think the Schengen visa tends to just prove that she will return to Russia on time.

Let me be clear about the letter from Congress. I don't think that will sway State to issue a tourist visa by itself, but it adds to the plus column. The handy thing was that she was asked at POE what she would be doing in the US, and she had the letter available for the officer to read. Another passenger was translating the question, but the officer didn't ask anything else, and didn't look at anything else except her passport.

Our son's girlfriend tried to get a tourist visa last winter (from Russia, Yekaterinaburg). She had tons of evidence she would return. She walked to the window and they said "Have you ever had a visa to any other country?" She said NO. Visa denied. It was the only question they asked. She got a Shengen visa this summer and went to Germany for 3 days. She applied for another tourist visa this fall. They approved her visa this time.

Seems like pretty strong evidence.

Edited by Brad and Vika, 26 October 2012 - 06:40 PM.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-26 18:39:00

Asking the Impossible?

I also think there is a shot at a tourist visa. An acquaintance of mine brought both FIL and MIL here at the same time, and I have read several posts on VJ like that. We sent MIL to Prague first, and she got a B visa to come here without a problem. Depending on where in Russia your MIL lives, you might send her to Poland, Romania, or Bulgaria for a few days if the border is close. Also, our Congressman's aide sent a nice letter to her and the Embassy. MIL showed it at passport control POE, and we think it helped overcome her lack of English.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-10-26 10:54:00

Wife's interview

Although there is a strong difference of opinion about this on VJ, we thought that my presence helped. The CO doing the interview spoke mainly to me, although he was apparently fluent in Russian and Ukrainian (Vika's English was already fluent). If nothing else, your appearance proves beyond a doubt that the two of you have met during the past two years, and you can tell the CO yourself that you intend to marry within the 90 day limit.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2012-11-11 16:46:00

Medvedev's Nato Policy

I'm worried when this all goes down that Russia will support Iran.

If Iran tried to join the EU, Russia would nuke 'em :devil:

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2011-11-26 16:58:00

Medvedev's Nato Policy

We should invite Iran into NATO. Maybe Russia will invade them :lol:

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2011-11-23 20:32:00

FSU women and Sexual Harassement

I grabbed chicks arses every chance I got over there. And the RUB chicks are MAJOR BIG TIME ####### GRABBERS! Just about every time I went to the pisser at the Madison Club in Minsk I was gettng my ####### grabbed. I made extra trips to the head just because of that.

Any RUB chick that tells you she doesn't like to have her ####### grabbed, has been watching to much WE and Lifetime channels on the tube.

Was that Madison Square Garden? I visited the place years ago (with Tony Sopranov :lol:

). We were introduced to the Eastern European drinking tradition that trip. Although I must have visited the restroom, I honestly have no clear recollection :rofl:

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2011-11-15 09:27:00

Wife's son is moving out already. I have concerns.

Beyond the typical issues that lead to divorce, irregardless of country of origin, I would say poor language skills is a big problem with a RUB wife...at least in my case. My wife spoke little English in the beginning and while she studied here for over two years, she never seemed to really immerse herself in study or homework. There has been progress but it has been slow and we continue with a degree of what I call "Tarzan" English. "Me Tarzan. You Jane." I had to learn to speak this way, rarely speaking in rich full sentences. Sometimes I find myself speaking that way to others, especially someone who looks like they might be an immigrant. Later, I feel silly for doing so.

I'm certain if I understood Russian fluently, my wife could drop her conversations with me to a deeper, richer and more profound place...and if the reverse were true, I could achieve that same level of real mature talks and we could fully explore each other's feelings and views on life. While on a daily basis, we are merely strapped with language limitations that dilute our routine talks...when we have a dispute, argument, or other problem, neither person can give clear, concise, sophisticated and finesse responses...so we end up frustrated that we can't have a conversational breakthrough to resolve the problem...or even, at the least, be fully heard and understood. We end up entangled in an adolescent, elementary school-level spat. This leads to more anger, frustration and immature yelling and "acting out." This becomes a dysfunctional, ever worsening process.

A second RUB related issue is sex...but not the universal kinds of sex problems. I think in a fairly large segment of the RUB female population, the women are abused, treated like sex slaves to their husbands, boyfriends, shack-up mates and generally the woman's pleasure is secondary or of no importance at all. The Russian men, in their hyper male-dominated society, just don't care if their women are satisfied or not...it's all about them. The end result is RUB women, some of them anyway, just become performers and fakers. The husband says "NOW!" and the women drop everything and service the man in that moment. That scenario can't do much to promote pleasure and satisfaction in Russian women.

I speak from experience with a total of four RUB women I had relationships with. Each woman, in different ways, showed they had sex issues that I felt were flowing out of their cultural experiences rather than individual idiosyncrasy or personality...or because of me. Frankly, in contrast to the common mythology here on the RUB forum, American women, for all their "issues," were better lovers overall. Yes, they didn't have that piazz dress code nor devoted hours to hair and make-up and clothing appearance...but when it came time to "dance," the American women seemed more open to more things...and were able to have real pleasure and orgasms.

I'm speaking about a small sample of both Russian and American women, but that's my truth. Your mileage may vary.

The end result in my case was my wife didn't go for a lot of kissing and foreplay and romance "preparation." Rather, she quickly moved into her "porn star" act and just worked to take care of me and that was that. Often she'd fake orgasm but I know it was difficult for her to actually achieve real pleasure. I asked her about it and she usually went into denial or anger...but twice, in a moment of honesty, she'd use the word "seldom" or "difficult" to describe her orgasm situation. I know she was physically abused by one of her husbands and several of her man friends in Russia hurt her by flaunting their mistresses or other sex partners. She has emotional and physical issues in my judgment...perhaps even requiring mental health assistance.

I can't gauge how much is on me in this sex issue. I am not bragging when I say I've had some great lovers down through the years when I was single...and I think I get how to please a woman...with traditional or unconventional means...depending on what the woman wants. Despite my age, I continue with a normal libido and abilities (knock on "wood"). But I'm not letting myself totally off the hook. But here again, if I can't communicate fully and deeply with my wife, how can we address something as complicated and awkward to discuss as the world's greatest paradox: sex.

To further exacerbate the sex problem, my wife, like most RUB women, dresses like a high-class call girl when going out into the world. I used to enjoy her lack of inhabitation and her brassy style of attire, but when she's at home, it's devolved to wearing my old t-shirts and "American style" boring clothes. That is a change. When she first came to the US, she'd clean the house in tight black toreador pants (used to call them "peddle pushers") and other interesting items. Now that's transformed into more bland and unexciting clothing. She, like other's I've heard about on this forum, has become "Americanized" and puts much less energy and effort in looking good "just for me." So, when I see her dressing up to go out, it hurts to realize that effort is not for or about pleasing me: it's ego and the desire for attention...and maybe cultural. In any case, it just fuels my own anger at our situation.

I could say more but this is a very long post. Sorry for the "text dump" but Brad asked and I tried to give him a full answer. There are more issues to this marriage milieu, but I hit the hugh points.

Again, I appreciate the candor. It is nice to see a guy actually facing and owning his situation. So often the folks that have relationships blow up just plain vanish. Refreshing to see the attitude that there is a problem, here is what I think happened, and here is how it will be resolved.

As I met Vika in person, and never really tried much in the online or tour world, I really can't speak to the process. It does sound like VV has a firm grasp on the communication issues and some cultural ones as well. So often I speak to people who get the information this way.

So, more to making an example to others as opposed to interogating you VV, HOW did you and your wife communicate back in the beginning and before she moved here?

IMHO not knowing at least a common language or having some means to communicate in complex subjects is just a big red flag.

My wife, who had taken English classes prior to meeting me, had to sort of start all over, getting used to my pronunciation was her biggest hurdle; she had learned English from either British teachers or Russians speaking English.

When we met in Kiev, I had brought along my laptop which had Promt translation software. I had put Cyrillic letter overlays on the keyboard and we were able to go to that for the few times we both had something long and drawn out to say, rather than using the dictionary. I can say that my wife has put a lot of time into learning proper English and grammar after she got here; I have also spent much time with her helping her with her "homework" each after I got home from work and after the little was put to bed.

I hear about this software and portable translator gismo stuff quite a bit on VJ, and from some of the other people I talk to on a visa journey. I think it works fine initially, but as all of you have said in one way or another, at some point one of you will have to become fluent in the others language. Failure to do so results in some of the very problems VV outlined so well here.

When people ask if I have problems communicating with my wife because she doesn't speak English I say, "No. I have problems communicating with her because she's a woman."

I've "interacted" with a foreign woman or two in my day and, without fail, it's always been better because of the language barrier. If you're forced to take the time to communicate without flawless speech and seamless words, you're also forced to calm down and make the necessary adjustments to get your point across and understand each other. Slamming doors and breaking stuff works well too. But, that doesn't help with things like "we need groceries so you need to pick up a few extra hours at work."

The language spoken has little to do with the situation. It is never the issue.

On the sex note... if she's not "asking" (actively or passively as we discussed in that other thread) for it anymore, something's wrong.

The main thing to rememeber with any woman is you can't ignore the truth they put out there. Don't listen to them. Watch what they do. And don't ignore the warning signs. Think with the right head and you'll be fine.

Now, how many times have we read posts (always men in RUB) that say "she is my queen, the sun and moon", blah, blah, blah. What part of their anatomy do you think is engaged when they are writing that drivel? Talk about red flags. Perhaps a good measure is to read the post just written, and if it sounds at all like a harlequin novela, it may be time to take an inventory.

As Warren Farrell so aptly put it..."Females are the world's strongest narcotic." Despite many lessons on this exact milieu, I'm still a "junkie." The detox is aging and lower testosterone. I still waiting for the let down so I can get "clean."

I read somewhere that after a week or two of withdrawl, addiction is mostly mental. If that is true, there is no hope for men in that department :lol:

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2011-11-28 20:24:00

Wife's son is moving out already. I have concerns.

Brad, thank you for both the concern and the great expert comments. I appreciate it very much.

Let me follow-up with a couple points. I have consulted a lawyer regarding my situation. This was a lawyer available free through the military but he is a seasoned civilian lawyer well-versed on my state's divorce laws. While he can offer advice, he can't represent me in the actual divorce process. The thing he stressed in my favor is it is a short marriage and she's leaving just after her son arrived...something that could be viewed as visa fraud, but certainly a judge would look at that as a bit dubious. Simply said, the timing of her departure is interesting. The lawyer seemed to feel worse case I might have to pay some alimony but again stressed the "shortness of the marriage." Of course, he recommended I consult a divorce attorney.

I also know my wife consulted an attorney as well...undoubtedly a Russian one. From what I know about that meeting, the attorney stressed that my wife should get her citizenship or be vulnerable, and not much else. This was when we were discussing my wife returning to Russia to get a Russian divorce. So, she felt that leaving the country was a risk for her and inserted her demand that she get her citizenship before moving on with divorce. That's when I switched gears and decided to pursue an American divorce.

My wife has not shown any signs of wanting to battle me for more money or other benefits after I presented her with my offer. This could be because her lawyer also see's the dubious timing of her son coming over here and her talking divorce so quickly. It was encouraging she did not storm in with demands for a better deal after talking to a lawyer. She has agreed to both my separation offer and the ultimate divorce. My sense is my wife is nervous about possible immigration problems and wants to not get into trouble.

Her son is 21 years old and not my problem beyond the affidavit of support. As you mentioned, the burden is on them to extract money from me and that is not something I'm concerned about.

As to doing my own divorce, let me say that I did my first divorce (with an American woman) myself and it went very smoothly and without any further issues, filings,etc. I will add that my ex wife and I had a very friendly divorce. We remain on good terms to this day.

I understand things could be different this time around, but given my financial situation, I am willing to risk problems and continue to do my own divorce. Yes, ideally, I'd lawyer up and go the conventional route. But I'm getting a strong vibe my wife won't have the nerve, heart or stomach for a fight with me. Instead, I think she prefers to end up with me as a resource after the divorce, not an enemy.

I hope I'm reading her correctly.

You are welcome, happy to help if I can. I for one appreciate you actually posting some of the details here so that others may benefit from the experience. Most simply choose to disappear from the site. I wonder if there is an issue or two that you think is the root cause of the situation. Over the course of years, the common theme in most breakups seems to be not knowing each other as well as the couple thought. Based only on your posts I would not have guessed that here. Please don't answer if you think it is too personal.

Some of the other things you mentioned, like a breakdown in intimacy and dressing to impress at a time that doesn't seem right, probably transcend the RUB environment. Those do seem to be general signs that one partner is drifting. I agree with your attorney that the timing in your case could not be more suspicious though.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2011-11-26 13:17:00

Wife's son is moving out already. I have concerns.

VV - I have been out of pocket for awhile, but I am sorry to read all of this and hope all is resolved amicably. At the risk of being flamed - I do have a law degree and would like to offer a few comments. Please take them in the good spirit in which I offer them. No promises about the spelling though.

First, I agree completely with your decision to not do a Russian divorce. This will not necessarily take you off the hook here, and even if it did, the burden is on you to prove all.

Second, I would advise against a do-it-yourself divorce. It is cheaper up front, but very easy to contest later if she stays here for any reason. Even if her status here isn't legal, those issues (support and residency)in most states are not related. Make her get a lawyer and negotiate every single thing, and have it documented. Not to make a lawyer rich, but to protect you later. I did my divorce myself years ago, and speak from experience here.

Third, although it is tough to believe for some, try not to worry too much about the cost of support during separation, or the cost of separation itself. Based on what I read about your stress level and health, you will see that anything you paid was a bargain.

Fourth and finally, I agree that you should not support any settlement that allows her to rely on you in any way for citizenship. You might escape your affadavit-based support obligation, but you are on the hook for a very real American priced support agreement with multiple adjustments after that. If she stays and uses your I-864 based promise to file for government support, the burden is on her to file and prove up front (the government takes it from there). As a citizen and therefore permanent resident, I would worry that she could come back over and over for adjustment to the initial support. She is an immigrant, newly divorced, unfamiliar with the cost of things, you are a blankety-blank, etc. You would have to pay to defend yourself from every accusation or request.

Edited by Brad and Vika, 24 November 2011 - 09:10 PM.

Brad and Vika

Male

Ukraine

2011-11-24 21:09:00